Abusive partner or just me being dramatic?

[PandaSpaniel]

A bit of background, DS1's dad was a emotionally abusive prick and I am so glad I got out of that relationship. DS1 age 7

DS2 age 16 weeks and I have just split up from his dad.

The beginning of the end was a few weeks ago when I told him I had increased my overdraft as we were skint - note MY overdraft not his! He lent over me in bed and screamed at me that I was a stupid bitch, a silly c*nt etc etc and I felt so trapped I ended up hitting him to get him off me.

A couple of days later, he had a hangover and I asked him to pop to the shop for some bits and went to take our baby off him so he would go and he ended up punching me in the arm whilst I was holding baby. He said I had snatched DS2 off him.

I tried to put it behind us but since I have had DS2 I have felt like I have had to do near enough everything and he could still get pissed up at the weekends and not bother with night feeds etc.

Partly my fault with the night feeds as I was BFing until a week and half ago, so I said he could sleep in my sons room so he wouldn't be disturbed. Too generous? ? But I got to the stage where I wasnt coping and he managed to do one night on his own while I stayed at my mums but the next night got drunk and left me to it!

He calls me every name under the sun when we argue and only two days ago he lashed out at me and hit the bed post at the last minute rather than hit me. I know reading this that he is abusive or at least getting that way and I know I need to stay away from him for my childrens sake if not my own.

But you just wouldn't think he was abusive. To anyone else he is just a normal lad who likes a drink at the weekend (he doesn't drink during the week) who gets tired cos he works long hours, so doesn't like his sleep disturbed.

Sorry this is a bit rambling, I am feeling really confused as to whether I am just being paranoid and dramatic or if he really is abusive?

olympicteadrinker

Yes he works, therefore he doesn't have to do any housework and if he does he is doing it FOR ME. Obviously he is doing the washing up FOR ME he never dirties a pot or pan. Same with the washing, all FOR ME, he never needs his clothes washing!

And did I mention, he works? So of course he doesn't want to be up four times a night with a baby that doesn't sleep well and is teething. I don't work and am lazy because other than desperately trying to keep my house tidy, look after a 7 year old and a little baby that is up 3 or 4 times a night without fail, I do naff all!

And of course he has the right to get pissed every weekend. Its weekend, time for him to relax and wipe away the hard work he has been doing Monday to Friday! If I were to work, (I did until last October) it couldn't possibly be working as hard as him and of course I still have time to make tea and look after the little ones. I didn't work as many hours as him so of course I had time to do all the other things that obviously are not classed as work.

Argh he's such a knob!!! Tbh one of the reasons I said not to let him take ds1 is that I think it will be inevitable that he will stop seeing him and that at some point having to take them both will only stop him seeing ds2. It is a hard decision but I think this latest incident is a sign he should no longer be involved with ds1.

I am lucky that DS1's dad is now in a steady stable relationship and I trust his partner so am happy for my son to stay over every other weekend with them and his many step and half siblings. (its like a zoo lol) He loves it there and has steadily built up a relationship with his dad from the age of 4.

I am slowly trying to distance him from his step dad by taking him to activities in the evening when ex sees his son and I have also told my ex not to expect to stay in my house for visits.

I am hoping that as it is a slow withdrawal and my son is being kept busy, he wont notice and eventually not seeing my ex will become the norm for him. Not too worried about baby as he is far too young to understand and I really don't know if his dad will stick around or not. Either way, mentally I feel in a much stronger position now.

Sat here in tears. I asked him to come round to talk last night and we ended up sleeping together. He has now gone out with his brother and sister in law and I feel so stupid. I don't know if we are together again or not and just feel like a stupid little girl.

Oh hon, it really isn't the end of the world. It doesn't have to mean you are together and it doesn't mean you are stupid. Be kind to yourself, it is very hard to get out of a relationship like this. Sorry I missed you last message. The plan about ds1 sounds good. Are you ok? Is he going to come back?

I don't know what I want. I still love him, that hasn't changed but is it enough? Has he or will he change?
I feel under pressure from my family to give things another go. They say I over exaggerate things and he isn't as bad as I say. In some ways they are right, no excuse for hitting me but we have just had a massive change with having a baby and I really don't cope well with a lack of sleep. Lil one still up every 2 or 3 hours at night and I am paranoid and snappy through lack of sleep, never mind anything else.

He was really really good for the first few weeks after DS2 was born. He did everything for me and baby. It just all went wrong really quickly and now I don't know what to think.

It does not matter what your family think you should do with your life. It only matters what you want to do with your life. My family were similarly unhelpful and interfering. My parents' relationship has a significant degree of emotional abuse, it is why I ended up in an abusive relationship because I was modelling what I had seen. It is why they thought I was being dramatic and excessive because although they didn't know about a lot of the abuse, they could see the emotional abuse but did not recognise it as a problem because it is how their relationship is. People who tell you to stay with someone who has hit you and that you are blowing it out of proportion are not looking out for your best interests.

Having a newborn is stressful. It is not a reason to hit someone, especially when that person is fragile, vulnerable and a bit dependent on you because of giving birth. Read back through the thread, it isn't just the incident where he hit you, there is other stuff too about the way he speaks to you and how he doesn't consider your needs or respect your boundaries. It is very common for abuse proper to begin after a baby is born.

Panda, the family are not in a close relationship with him, and you are. That means you know what he's like, and.... whilst they may mean well...they don't.

No-one can tell you whether he will change for sure, there are people who claim that it has been a one off in their relationship. I can say fairly confidently that he hasn't changed now - look at how he is treating you, like you are a possession, and that he will not be likely to change while he is continuing in a relationship with you. If he really wants to change and he accepts that he needs to, he respects your boundaries and tries to get some help and then comes back it might be ok but it is unlikely. It is certain that you cannot make him change or make him want to change.

I am still struggling with my thoughts and emotions. I don't think looking at things realistically that we will work out. I so want it to but we have talked and I suggested dating but he doesn't seem very interested. He is too busy talking about how I went to bed during the day (whilst pregnant) and expected him to do house work at night.

He is right to an extent. I suffer from depression and some days I struggled to do much more than get DS1 to school before going back to bed. However I don't deal with pregnancy very well and I was on a much lower dose of tablet through most of the pregnancy so yes I felt shit and I wasn't myself.

Then after the birth, c section under general anaesthetic I was a wreck for the first few weeks and having a baby that doesn't sleep I am still finding it difficult to cope.

Can I have an honest opinion please. Am I expecting too much? He works Monday to Friday sets off at 7am back at 6pm. Would being asked to do washing up and sometimes make tea be unreasonable? Also he sleept in another room except on Friday night when he did the night feeds.

He said it got to the point where he dreaded coming home.

Are you expecting too much re the tea and washing up? No.

A healthy partner will do everything in his power to support you because he wants you to be happy. Yes, even if he's tired. And if he does feel things are getting out of balance he will have a talk with you about it. He may even gripe. But he won't hit and scream and call you names.

So, now to your ex. He's not healthy. And you can only ask reasonable things from a reasonable person.

If you are dealing with someone who can suddenly flip if you do something he didn't think of, or doesn't like, or which doesn't cater to him first and foremost and always?.even the most mundane and humble request may look outrageous to him.

This man screamed at you for increasing your own overdraft, thumped you for not handing the baby over as he saw fit, called you every name under the sun, wouldn't help with housework, and regards these things as your fault?.

It makes no sense, because he makes no sense, and TBH I don't think he can help it. The only way to keep your mental health is to keep trying to extricate yourself, until he is out of your life.
I'm so sorry Panda

Ladywordy that is an excellent post!

Offred - thank you
whether it will help, who knows..

Thanks for your posts. ladywordy and offred in particular. I can see that he is heaping all the blame on me now and I refuse to feel guilty anymore. Yes I am a pain in the arse when I am depressed but I did everything I could to give OUR child the best possible start in life.

I went 14 weeks on 10mg tablets which was hell on earth ( I usually take 40mg) so I wasn't risking my baby's health. I ate all the right things and took care of myself as much as I was able to, and if that means I was a right ol' whingy pants who needed to sleep then bugger it! I did it for our child and he can just stop complaining!

He knows all this because I made him come to the pregnancy consultant appointments and they advised me to slowly up the dosage back to 40mg as I was so ill and it has minimal, if any, effect on baby.

We are not back together. I am writing last Saturday off as a bit of fun and a blip. I am staying single. I want to be happy with me and proud of myself before I even think about another relationship. Me and my two lil boys are what counts now.

Hoping I stay strong this time.

Glad you feel so much better about it and can write it off as a blip and a bit of fun!! Come back and post about it whenever, I think you'll probably be up and down. Everyone is after a relationship ends but if the relationship has been abusive it probably is going to be more likely to be more of a roller coaster! X

What a great post to read, Panda. I second everything Offred said!

This bit - if that means I was a right ol' whingy pants who needed to sleep then bugger it! I did it for our child and he can just stop complaining!
brought a yesssss! and a high five from me! :)

A roller coaster it is, so it may be a bumpy ride yet, but it definitely gets better

Thank You

I knew I was on the road to recovery (so to speak) when watching the Olympics- mens diving and thinking "I fancy a bit of that" ha ha. Never mind they are all at least 10 years younger than me!

Am doing ok at the moment, hope it lasts.

Well just to update I am totally free of him. Too busy being angry to even contemplate taking him back. He disgusts me. I phoned him today to suggest that he try's to postpone his holiday dates as they were booked whilst we were together and obviously he isn't coming with us now.

My reason was so he could see his son more on whatever week he did have off work. He went mad saying it was too late now and weeks were booked up. He doesn't know that, he hasn't checked. I would have thought that late September would be a quieter time as children back at school and I pointed that out to him but no he knows best and apparently knows everybody elses plans too.

What a pain. :( Even simple things get complicated with people like this. Glad you're free Panda, at least you can minimise the head-messing if nothing else.

It is so frustrating that.