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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His fist line of defense...

78 replies

NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 22:23

Is attack. I really need some perspective please. I am 14 weeks pregnant, and also still BF my 13 month old son - so perhaps my hormones are all over the place. I feel as though I can never criticise my DP, as he explodes. We can't have a sensible conversation about how either of us is feeling as he just gets so nasty and attacks verbally. He popped out to the garage earlier to buy some milk, but was gone over an hour. When he got back he explained why, and I said he 'could be a bit thoughtless sometimes' as I was getting worried. In return I received a volley of how ungrateful I am for all that he does, that if he isn't good enough I should 'fuck right off and fucking move out' etc. I've come to sleep in the spare room. He will now sulk for DAYS and not speak to me. He is likely to then just carry on as if nothing has been said. I feel vulnerable as I am pregnant. How can I handle this better please?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoLips · 01/07/2012 22:25

You can seriously think about whether you deserve better, because he sounds like an arse.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2012 22:27

How to handle better.... walk down the hall, open the door, kick his miserable arse out of it and bolt it firmly behind him. His reaction has nothing to do with your hormones and everything to do with him being an aggressive shit. He is not a 'D' anything.

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2012 22:27

Oh for god's sake, you can't possibly think of living with him and a baby. He's vile. Please, while you can, leave him.

doggiemumma · 01/07/2012 22:28

You can tell HIM to fuck right off! is it his house? do you rent? owned? Seriously, you do not want a man like that in your children's lives. Why did he say he was a long time?

PissyDust · 01/07/2012 22:28

Do you have some where to go and some one to help support you in RL?

You need to take him up on that offer of fucking of and let him see what he is missing, he sounds like a right prick.

queenofthepirates · 01/07/2012 22:29

Other than your children, is there any reason to stay sweetie?

Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 22:30

I totally agree - when confronted/criticised he is a complete fool. At all other times he is thoughtful and considerate and very hands on with the children. It is like something switches off when he thinks he is being attacked and he is emotionally cold and nasty. He is like a different person.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 01/07/2012 22:32

He is an arse, and you deserve better.

Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 22:35

We rent at the moment as we relocated. I don't have any RL support sadly, and I am already on crutches with SPD this pregnancy. I look after my DS full time, and also run a business and several staff.

OP posts:
Arion · 01/07/2012 22:37

You can't, he is being an arse. Sorry Queen but his behaviour is not acceptable. Two adults should be able to have a conversation without one being scared of the others aggression.

Eg, my DH (then was my boyfriend) used to be late to meet me (before mobiles we're common). I told him that he was being disrespectful, if he could get himself to work on time, or to an interview (when it was important to him) but not to meeting me, he was effectively showing me that I wasn't important to him. He thought I was over reacting, but thought about it and tried harder to be where he was supposed to be at the right time.

You can have a difference of opinion without it being an attack. Now I'm a bit older (and hopefully wiser) I try to use the 'I' rather than 'you' eg 'I feel x when you do y', rather than 'you always do y'. It sounds like your issues run deeper than that though.

My DH is also a sulker which I had from my Mum and I won't put up with it. The last time he did ths (years ago now) I told him if he ever did it again, I was going out, phone off, no contact, I would come back when I felt like it because if he was going to act like I wasn't there, I might as well go out and enjoy myself. On the joint credit card. That he would be paying!

His anger and sulking is trying to put you 'in your place' where you don't challenge him. He is showing you, by his actions, that you are not his equal, and your feelings don't count. Sorry Queen.

Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 22:42

Thank you - I understand what you are all saying. It has occured to me that he may have some form of personality disorder? He is so loving and caring and supportive on one hand. On the other he can 'come home and kick the cat' and he reduces me to tears. He doesn't deal with tears at all (and I am NO crier - it is rare) - he will just sit there and ignore them. The relationship is so good in every other way - I just think we ought to be able to voice concerns or annoyances with each other.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 01/07/2012 22:47

I just think we ought to be able to voice concerns or annoyances with each other.

Well then he is not the man for you, as that is not something he is able to do.

Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 22:52

Shit - what should I actually do? We are due to move in 4 weeks. I have a DD (7) a DS (1) and pregnant. How on earth am I meant to rent somewhere for us all? I couldn't get the cash together. I WANT it to work out - but I can't and won't put up with a relationship where I feel I can't be totally open about how I feel. I feel sick.

OP posts:
abody · 01/07/2012 23:05

Hi, I'm kind of familiar with your situation. Does he have a history of being overly criticised? Like problems with a very critical or angry parent or school teachers or something? I think you should try and speak to him gently about it when he's in a really good mood & tell him how much it upsets you that you can't say whats on your mind. & tell him that you worry about his defensiveness & that he thinks you're attacking him when you really aren't. Tell him in a way that sounds like concern for him rather than criticism if that makes sense? Ask him if he'd rather you don't tell him what you're thinking.

izzyizin · 01/07/2012 23:08

Due to move in 4 weeks? Renting or buying? If you're renting is there any reason, financial or otherwise, why you can't assume the tenancy on your own?

ToxicMoxie · 01/07/2012 23:12

wait, he went to the garage and noodled around for an hour, came back and explained to you why he was late, and you gave him hell for it and now you're mad he got mad because you couldn't go to the garage and ask him what he was doing?

Good lord, I'd have to leave you, as I often get distracted by things and don't come back for a bit. I certainly don't think a tongue lashing is appropriate, as you could have gone to the garage and found out what he was up to.

Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 23:16

abody - thank you. He has no history like that as far as I am aware. I have tried that tact before - and things have got better, in so far as the outbursts are less frequent. When he is calm, he agreed 100% that we ought to be able to talk about these things etc. In the heat of the moment though....

izzyizin - we are renting again for one more year. The rent is over £3k per month. I couldn't afford that sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 23:23

ToxicMoxie - the garage as in BP garage where there is a shop - I said he went to the garage to buy some milk. NOT the garage in our garden!! That would be ridiculous. Also -I didn't 'give him hell' or a 'tongue lashing'.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/07/2012 23:28

Seems like he has work issues if flash-points are when he gets home. Has he always been like this or has it developed more recently? I wonder how long you have been together?

Inadeeptrance · 01/07/2012 23:29

He sounds like an abusive arse I'm afraid. Sad ignore the poster above. You have every right to say what you did, and no reasonable person would react as he did.

I would seriously think about how you are going to feel when he comes home in a 'kick the cat' mood when you have your tiny fragile newborn around.

He's a bully, you don't have to just take it, vote with your feet and leave, please.

Scarredbutnotbroken · 01/07/2012 23:31

Oh god it's my exp again.

Toxie that was quite unhelpful

Opentooffers · 01/07/2012 23:31

Is it necessary that you take on such a high burden of rent also. Sometimes we can add too much pressure on ourselves by being caught by material trappings leaving little disposable income to actually go out and enjoy life

Oinkypig · 01/07/2012 23:32

Toxicmoxie, read the op properly, he went to get milk not just out to the garage. Also even if he had just gone to the garage of the house there is no excuse for being "distracted" for an hour, especially with young children. Either way the op had every right to enquire where he had been and if you think that his response was acceptable under any circumstances you probably need to think about your interactions with others.

To op he doesn't sound like a supportive partner but it's hard to imagine how to be on your own with three children. Sorry I don't have much advice but I wanted you to know that you were in no way responsible for his reaction and no right thinking person would think otherwise!

Original poster
NarcolepsyQueen · 01/07/2012 23:32

He has always been like it. We have been together for 4 years. Work is definitely an issue - he has his own xompany, with lots of staff and the usual pressures whoch go with that. I understand that it is stressful, and really try to empathise and relieve as much of the burdon as I can. I domt feel he empathises with me though - running MY business and staff with a 13 month old and being pregnant and on crutches isn't always a laugh either!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/07/2012 23:37

I know most people are saying get rid, but as you have said that he is good in many other ways and running a buisiness, having 3 kids and the trauma of leaving someone when pregnant it occurs that if there is a solution it would be best to find it - then get out if he's still that bad.