His fist line of defense...

[NarcolepsyQueen]

Is attack. I really need some perspective please. I am 14 weeks pregnant, and also still BF my 13 month old son - so perhaps my hormones are all over the place. I feel as though I can never criticise my DP, as he explodes. We can't have a sensible conversation about how either of us is feeling as he just gets so nasty and attacks verbally. He popped out to the garage earlier to buy some milk, but was gone over an hour. When he got back he explained why, and I said he 'could be a bit thoughtless sometimes' as I was getting worried. In return I received a volley of how ungrateful I am for all that he does, that if he isn't good enough I should 'fuck right off and fucking move out' etc. I've come to sleep in the spare room. He will now sulk for DAYS and not speak to me. He is likely to then just carry on as if nothing has been said. I feel vulnerable as I am pregnant. How can I handle this better please?

It took a couple of months to recognise all our patterns, and about 6 to put them into action and see a difference. My Dh was really on board though, I basically had to tell him to either leave, or sort it out and it shocked him into action. But it was when I had had enough and stopped reacting and tiptoeing around him that things changed. You need to set your own boundaries of what behaviour you will and won't accept, and then don't budge, don't make excuses for him, and trust him to shape up.

Meant to say, you can pm me if you want, don't want to take over your thread. :)

Thank you - that sounds realistic. Have to work out how to start the converstaion. It needs confronting, but in an unconfrontational way. I feel so exhausted! Pesky boys! How is it best to approach it, in your opinion? My instinct is to write it all down - but that may be a cop out?

Shit, shit, shit!! We have just had a mini spat. He went off to play golf this morning at 6am (I didn't realise this at the time - found out at 9am). Last week I was trying to arrange a hair dressing app. I told me to make it Tuesday afternoon. They had a 1pm app. I asked him if that was OK (so he could have the 13 month old) and he said yes, he would be back in time. Today he said he would be back by 12pm. He just came in at 12.45 and said he would come with me. DS was half way through his lunch, and it is raining and I hadn't packed a bag for him. I said that we don't have time to get organised and that DS was eating lunch anyway. I am only going to be an hour. He started huffing and tutting (I HATE that), and said that he had come home half way through the day and that even that is wrong and that I am ungrateful. Agghhhhh! It isn't as though he was in meetings this morning and had to curtail them. He was playing GOLF!! Ok - he has his phone on and sends emails etc. One of the things that I struggle with about being a parent is that I have to check and ask others before I can arrange anything.

Never be scared of confrontation: you always have every right to state your feelings and defend your boundaries.

If you are afraid of confrontation because of how he reacts to that which you have every right to state, then he has successfully intimidated you.

Please help! How grateful is grateful enough? I am pregnant, on crutches, have aweful asthma due to hayfever (was on a nebuliser earlier). I never ask for help (my weakness).

NQ - he likes blaming you for everything doesn't he?. It seems that he can do what he wants but when it comes to something for your own self he objects in such a fashion. This is an ongoing pattern of behaviour on his part and I think he is doing this too because he can. This is all at heart about power and control. He may well tell you that he realises that he has a problem but words after all are cheap and he may well be just telling you what you want to hear.
What has he actually done himself to address his issues, from what I can read in your postings he has done precisely nothing.

Such men do not change and he is unwilling to listen to your reasoned argument. Unlike Glabella's DH also, your partner is not on board here.

You are pg and vulnerable and I think he is taking advantage of that fact.

I would seriously consider the whole future of this relationship as your children are learning from you both as to how to conduct themselves within a relationship. Your partner is certainly teaching them damaging lessons.

It is not easy to leave but it can be bloody harder to stay because of the long term adverse effects to your own self esteem and self worth.

So do I just keep clamly stating my boundaries?

By his reasoning, he can arrange to go and play golf etc during the day, as he is usually out anyway so my plans don't have to change. I think it is still time off to himself. If I need time off I have to ask him when he can fit it in. And even then I feel like the kids are stalking me! When I want to go to antinatal yoga, he comes with the kids to go swimming.

So do I just keep clamly stating my boundaries?

Sure. And he is perfectly entitled to ignore you if he so chooses.
How long are you prepared to keep stating your boundaries without result?

Only you can know your own limits, NQ.

I haven't stated them yet. Just been diffusing the situations as they arise. I do need to state my boundaries and then stick to them. I suppose he can either work towards them or not. His choice. But my whole life can't be a conpromise just because he needs to learn to express himself better, and to listen to others. We are not all persecuting him. It is so much easier to write this than live it though!

Keep writing it. It may help you see things with more clarity as you live them, in the moment. Remove self-doubt in anticipation of the next time you are wrong-footed by his actions.

But my whole life can't be a compromise just because he needs to learn to express himself better, and to listen to others.

This is it exactly. What finally gave me the strength to tackle my dh's behaviour was getting rid of the fear that he'd leave, that kept me tiptoeing around him. I worked out the finances, looked into how much a divorce would cost, investigated childcare and worked out that I COULD cope on my own. I still wanted to be with him, but I knew I'd be ok if I wasn't. Then the fear that each argument caused was gone, and I had the strength to tackle his behaviour. And he knew I was really serious, and that I wasn't afraid to follow though my plans if things didn't change.

And the golf thing- you shouldn't need to be grateful at all, especially not if he throws it in your face like that. You are pregnant and having a rough time, and your DH has been out all morning playing golf, he should be grateful and happy to for you to have equal time off with no moaning. You are a partnership, you should each get equal leisure time, and your dh looking after HIS child is not some sort of favour to you!

Glabella - you are so right. I am almost there I think. What you say about leisure time is so true. Today we have started an email dialogue - so that we can express ourselves and the other person can take time to digest it. He has written: 'Its been hard admittedly. DD, business, sleepless nights and just felt no appreciation for anything I did even though you knew how hard things were, and just felt that even simple stuff like playing tennis pissed you off. I try to be considerate and maybe haven't said about playing golf recently etc because it made me unhappy knowing that you would roll your eyes, and make me feel bad. Just felt that nothing was ever good enough. Its hard, but should talk more.x'

I know that I can have facial tourettes! It honeslty isn't that I have a problem with him going out to play sport etc - that is good stress relief. It irritates that it is announced. As if he is entitled. He just arranges what he wants and when he wants. I have to check his availability if I want to do something, and be grateful. Does that make sense? I have told him this before - but he seems to be intent on believing that I have an issue with the actual going out. Then I don't raise it as he will get angry and misunderstand what I am saying and get defensive. Then I get confused - it all gets twisted and confuses me.

Stewie - I will have a look at that book. Abusive? I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you.

Stewie - the book isn't available on my kindle :-(

He is controlling and angry. He is also lovely in so many ways.

I'm confused as to how much is my fault.

Thank you - that will certainly be worth a read. He has so many good qualities, so I hope that we can work through this. However, I can't and won't put up with this forever. It isn't as easy as just leaving though is it. I hope the book will give me some insight - help me to better understand.

It should do.

Lundy Bancroft also has another book called "Should I stay or should I go?", which you might want to read after you have better insight from reading "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men"

That sounds like a good plan - that way I will know why he does it, and whether it can be changed. It isn't normal to attack those you love verbally is it? To make them feel bad. My instinct is protect and build the esteem of those closest to me. His instincts are so different to mine that I end up confused.

Do tell us how you get on with the books.

And no, it certainly isn't normal - or nice, or acceptable - to attack those you love, to make them feel bad.

There's a section at the end of Lundy which tells you about changing, how it happens, signs it can/can't happen and signs it is/isn't working.

How is it going NQ? I think I may be someone with a DH similar to yours! I'm unsure what to do about it all as well. Please let us know how you're getting on.

Hello oaktreeroot, sorry to hear about relationship with DH. Have you had a look at this thread - especially the resources at the top.
I recognise the OP's comment about I am always careful how I phrase things, so they are as anodyne as possible..... It's a learned behaviour, from dealing with someone who is always on the attack. :( Not much fun. If you're still out there NQ, hope you are OK.