His fist line of defense...

[NarcolepsyQueen]

Is attack. I really need some perspective please. I am 14 weeks pregnant, and also still BF my 13 month old son - so perhaps my hormones are all over the place. I feel as though I can never criticise my DP, as he explodes. We can't have a sensible conversation about how either of us is feeling as he just gets so nasty and attacks verbally. He popped out to the garage earlier to buy some milk, but was gone over an hour. When he got back he explained why, and I said he 'could be a bit thoughtless sometimes' as I was getting worried. In return I received a volley of how ungrateful I am for all that he does, that if he isn't good enough I should 'fuck right off and fucking move out' etc. I've come to sleep in the spare room. He will now sulk for DAYS and not speak to me. He is likely to then just carry on as if nothing has been said. I feel vulnerable as I am pregnant. How can I handle this better please?

So if always like this then how come it didn't bother you before? Having 2 children in a fairly short space of time by someone who you think might have a personality disorder appears brave, or otherwise ?

Over £3k a month in rent? Where do you live?! Is it maybe money pressures affecting you both that's causing some tensions (no excuse for him to be an arse of course).

No advice, just sounds exactly like my DH , we have had the conversation too yet he does occasionally go back to abusive language and always gets very defensive and aggressive. He's very badly let down some close friends/colleagues of mine and just this weekend my DF but refuses to take any responsibility for it and turns it back on them.

He used to be able to at least apologise and I have no idea how to handle this,
It's not really that easy to "leave the bastard"

Thank you! Nice to know there are others in similar situations iykwim! He does apologise, but you can't un-say the words can you? He can be so hurtful, but in all other ways he is a model partner. It happens about once every 6 weeks I suppose. Can it be resolved do you think? Or is it a case of put up or leave?

Honestly love I don't know - you are describing my DH to a t and whenever it happens I think I can't spend the rest of my life like this but then it blows over (we both ignore it/I pretend it's ok and he has no idea how upsetting it is) and we're back to normal.

I get very tired of trying to think of ways of bringing stuff up without it looking like confrontation but he gets in the defensive so quickly

If you find the answer let me know!

I will! Luckily we don't have to worry too much about money, as both of our businesses are quite successful, so we go out lots for meals etc, and we ensure we have date nights (take it in turns to cook special meals etc) at least once a week. What keeps me hopeful is that he knows it isn't acceptable, but he seems unable to stop himself when he thinks he is about to be attacked. I would love to know where it comes from.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I would ask the same of girlwiththemouseyhair. How do YOU yourself feel about this man?.

You are both in the abuse cycle; he does nice and nasty very well doesn't he?. However, this cycle is a continuous one and such men do not change. This is the real him. You need to get the idea out of your head that he will change, my friend had that particular fallacy in her head for 8 years till the lightbulb went on in her head and she realised that he was enjoying seeing her discomforture.

Date nights and all the rest of it do in no way make up for the rest of the abusive behaviours he slings in your direction (and your children in turn get affected by all this as well). Sulking is also manipulative behaviour on his part designed to keep you in check. He does not treat other people like this, no he is reserving all his bile for you instead.

On a wider level, what are you teaching your children about relationships here?. They are witness to all this from the two of you as well, you're both teaching them damaging lessons. Sorry to write that but you are.

NQ - what do you know about this man in terms of his background, what is his relationship with his parents like and what are his parents like?. Examining that more closely will give you an idea of where this has come from i.e his own childhood.

Of course it's not that easy to leave the bastard. It's incredibly hard.

Doesn't make it any less necessary for your own health, happiness, and self esteem, when your partner is abusive.

My husband used to do this a lot. He was verbally emotionally and physically abused as a child and has quite low self esteem because of it. He would always "take things the wrong way" and go off on one if he felt like he was being criticized or belittled (and he could perceive almost anything that way!).

We discussed it quite extensively and worked through ways of communicating so we didn't had explosions. I was less confrontational and more constructive / gentle in my criticism (ie "do you think you could ring me if you're going to be late because I worry" rather than "you're so effing selfish, I've had dinner waiting!"). He also has injected humor into his responses. So whereas he would have lashed out defensively he now says "alright Attila, I'm going bald from the friction of your thumb on my head".

It took a lot of patience from both sides and he had some counselling to understand that it was his Perception (persecution complex) which was often the problem. He also now takes anti anxiety medication to help control his temper and that makes a huge difference to his mood. He rarely flies off the handle now whereas he had a hair trigger before.

Does your husban have any other traits which you think might be linked to this? Anxiety? Depression? Difficulty managing stress? OCD tendencies?

This is so sad, you are so vulnerable.

I know it seems like a big mess, If you can't have a sensible/ rational conversation with him.

you say you have no support, is their really no-one.?

I was going to post something very similar to the OP this morning. I really feel for you narcolepsy. It's very difficult feeling you have to suppress any kind of upset because the consequences of raising it are so exhausting.

I try really hard to do the "when you say x, I feel y" rather than "you're a selfish bastard", but tbh you wouldn't know it from DH's reaction, which is invariably OTT and defensive.

Sorry not to be more help. I shall watch this thread with interest

Hi all. Thanks for your support. It isn't just me he is like it with - it is anybody who he perceives as critisising or attacking. He is truly awesome in all other ways. He knows it is wrong, and wants to change it. I can't see an obbvious reason in his childhood. He is a middle child. He is the brightest, best looking and most successful of the three. His parents aren't like it. He always says that he just 'says it like it is' - but he never tempers his words, is never careful with phrasing. He shoots from the hip. I a$ always careful how I phrase things, so they are as anodyne as possible.

It's very difficult to comment here without knowing more. Do you ever feel physically threatened? Has his abusive behaviour escalated over time? (ie is it just swearing or does he loom over you, grab your wrist, push you). If he is in any way physical then I don't think you can live like that, forever treading on eggshells so as not to trigger his anger.

If it is purely verbal then it can at least be worked on but it has to be him taking responsibility. I worry when I hear phrases like "it's like a switch being flicked and he can't control it" because if he can't control it, what's to say he won't one day raise his hand to you, or worse, your kids.

My sister is currently in a relationship like this. I can see that he is a good man and father but the red mist descends and he is verbally abusive. As a result, she treads carefully around him when he is in a mood to the point where he now thinks he is right about everything even though he is talking shite, because she has long since stopped taking issue with him over anything. That in turn feeds his temper because he feels slighted or disrespected at every turn. Not healthy at all.

By the way, is he the father of all/some of your kids?

By the way, freudian typo in your subject heading...

I don't feel physically threatened. It hasn't escalated over time - it goes through patches really. I suppose once every month to 6 weeks? He is the father of my DS and unborn child, and he has been with me since DD was 3. Thanks for pointing out the title slip - bleddy phone!

Agggg! So now he acts like normal - as if nothing has happened and nothing been said. And I don't want to bring it up, as it is likely to cause another explosion! How do we get out of this pattern on behaviour? I feel I ought to go and sleep in the other room again - but then am I prolonging the argument? He is acting totally normally!!

That's so frustrating, my DH does the same. And other things that I can't work out how to solve but would want to name change to discuss

I think we're literally the same NQ except I think my DH is getting worse at recognizing the behavior as I am about brushing it under the rug. He has never ever been physically abusive, not even the hint of it. The only other times he seems to get very aggressive is when driving and I have laid down my feelings about that VERY clearly and don't step on eggshells at all when I bring it up.

I don't think he learnt great lessons from his parents, they gradually drifted apart til they divorced when he was 14 and it affected it badly. I don't think he was abused in any way but certainly seems to
Mirror a lot of the negative traits he describes his dad as having, as he gets older.

I know it's possible to change - my dad managed to (very verbally aggressive when I was younger until my mum left the family home for a week, insisted on angers management and couples counseling and he improved dramatically). But if I was so extreme DH would wonder where it had come from - I need to find a way of broaching it first then give him a chance to change before getting so extreme.

It does feel like he has a massive Jekyll and Hyde complex sometimes

Of course he's pretending everything's normal: that way he gets to get away with it. Evade responsibility. And if you bring it back up then you're the problem for ruining the peace.

How do we get out of this pattern on behaviour?

"We" aren't getting out of anything so long as 1 person has no incentive and no desire to change.

You can choose how you react to his normalising of unacceptable behaviour: join in the normalising, or don't.

What is his relationship like with his mother. Is she overpowering and critical?

Thing is though it's absolutely crucial in a relationship to be able to air grievances without feeling frightened or worried about your partner's reaction. You'll end up deciding in your head to "pick your battles" or ignore minor irritations because it's not worth the aggro and eventually these minor things will build up and cause mass resentment.

He's probably acting totally normal now because he thinks that the way he reacts to criticism is fine and justified, which means it's unlikely he'll change.

Girl - our situations sound so similar! It is draining isn't it? Totally Jekyll and Hyde - it is like I have 2 DP sometimes. He did (under his own steam) take himself off to a couple of counselling sessions a couple of years ago. He does know he has an issue. I do bring the issues up - usually after a couple of days once things have calmed down.

I don't want to normalise his behaviour. It isn't acceptable. It doesn't happen infront of the children thankfully.

His mother isn't at all overpowering. I think both his parents are now alcoholics. They live hours away, and do nothing with their lives except drink cheap Brandy. His mother seems to favour his sister, and his father makes excuses for his younger brother. They don't pay any attention to my DP - they see that he is successful, so they don't seem to really think about him too much at all. Could this be part of the issue to you think?

He gets plenty of time off - he left home at 6am this morning to play golf. He is out all day on Monday and Monday night. He plays tennis twice a week. These things must help him to blow off steam and stress.

We didn't talk about it last night as it was fairly late by the time his flight landed, and I needed to go to bed (hayfever has set off my asthma). We will both be in together this evening. How shall I broach it?

Bertie - I totally agree with your first paragraph. I do ignore minor things and choose my battles.

He doesn't think his reaction is fine. He knows it isn't. But it is so hard to change aspects of your character isn't it? He feels ashamed, and that he is letting me down. He is.

My Dh has depression and anxiety and used to act like this when he was ill- he described it as a wave of anxiety when he felt 'under attack' and his agression was coming from this anxiety. We've worked out a few tricks, and set some groundrules as we were falling into the pattern you're in.
We agreed to always raise issues right away, as we both become passive agressive to avoid rows.
When he feels the anxiety and feels under attack he now recognises it, and if he needs to step out for a second to calm down he does, and we talk later.
We agreed not to agout

Sorry, stupid phone. shout and if either if us starts raising our voice the other points it out, and gives us a second to calm down.
Your Dh needs to want to change, and its up to you if you want to keep trying or walk away, its hard to judge from a few posts. But we've gone from where you are to having an equal and respectful relationship, and we can tell each other anything now and have difficult conversations without any raised voices or nastiness. It took a lot if hard work though.
We used a book called Overcoming Anger In Your Relationship, full of good ideas.

Thank you for the book suggestion - I will have a look on Amazon now and download it. Congratulations at working it through. Perhaps I am becoming passive agressive too? I am getting increasingly frustrated at not feeling able to express my feelings. I don't want to get into the habit of making faces, or little remarks. It isn't 'me' and it isn't constructive. How long did it take you to work out your strategy?