not sure what to think

[bleepfuckingbleep]

I have namechanged for this. Sorry if this is long but don't want to drip feed.

DH works in the entertainment industry and works away about 3 weekends in 4 a month. He is 'friends' with a woman on Twitter who is a bit of a 'climber' in the field of entertainment DH works in. This is how I came to know about her.

DH regularly bumps into her at events. I know for a fact that he has used his position to get her onto VIP lists at events. I know this because I read his email out of extreme nosiness and curiosity (and maybe a bit of paranoia too). I have asked him who she is and he has described her as someone he bumps into when away.

We were out as a family last weekend. I was taking a pic of our DD using his iPhone (whilst DH was there) and a text from this woman came up. I asked what this woman was doing texting him when she is just a 'fan' and why she has his number. DH was due to be going away that evening and it appeared from what I read that the text was about meeting up with this woman that night. I walked off to think about it. When I got back I asked DH if I could read the text and its history. He gave me the phone but when I looked he had deleted it. He said he deleted it because he just wanted it to be forgotten about and that I would get the wrong end of the stick about it.

He claims she is just a friend and said 'if it was a man texting me would you be so bothered?'. Which, to be honest, I wouldn't.

He has been away this weekend and I know she has been there. To top it all off, I am pregnant with DC2 and feeling a bit shit and fat, our sex life is crap at the moment and I have been sat here feeling paranoid.

This is the first time I have felt mistrustful of DH. I don't think he would have a physical affair. I just don't like all this smoke and mirrors thing with the deleting of texts sent by unknown women to him when he is out with his family. And the setting up of meetings on weekend jollies (which they definitely are jollies).

I don't know. This is probably all in my head. But it is toxic and niggling away at me.

My DH isn't famous btw. He does however work extremely closely with famous types in his field. Hence the interest by 'climber' woman.

I agree it sounds a big 'off' somehow. Who is she a 'fan' of? Don't get that bit.

I wouldn't be happy.

I am pretty laid back with my DH, and he does have female friends who he sees after work sometimes, but I wouldn't be happy about this.

It's the deleting and secrecy - I would just tell your OH that you are not happy about it, that you trust him, but it doesn't feel right. See what he says.

There was an article in the paper (telegraph i think) last week about something similar. They basically recommended laughing about it, and making the OW seem a bit desperate and needy. Apparently it really puts the men off!

She is a fan of the famous types that DH works closely with.

Oh, I did once really have to speak to DH about a woman I simply didn't trust. She ended up running off with someone else's husband...

I really can't believe that he thought that deleting it was the best thing to do. Part of me is thinking that if he had nothing to hide then he would have shown me outright. I think he deleted it because he initiated the meeting and this was after I had asked him about her so red flag had already been raised by me.

When I walked off to get my head together after the woman had sent text, I was thinking to myself 'of course he wouldn't delete it'. But I asked him and he had done it already.

This is the thing that is niggling away at me.

Sittinginthesun - whether this woman is after my husband or not, it is him that has to make the decision not to leave himself open to her. He seems to be inviting her attention by his actions. I don't know whether she is even interested in him in a sexual way to be honest. It is his actions that are making me suspicious.

Just lost a brilliant post!

Ok - tell him that you trust him, but he needs to treat you with sone respect and that he should be open, honest and not hide things.

Then laugh about how scheming and climbing she is, and how desperate she must be to be USING him to get close to other people, and how sad and pathetic she is. That should dent his ego.

Urgh she is such a climber. Her Twitter feed is ridiculously arse-licking to those she has 'met'. I will mention to him that she is using him although he is probably aware of this and doesn't seem to mind.

I have told him I trust him and because of this I am really laid back with his work commitments. You wouldn't believe the sorts of things he is around at weekends which are classed as work (involves parties, drugs etc). And I am kind of cool with all that as it has always been this way in that respect. But this thing with the woman has thrown me somewhat.

Just want to point out that the drugs are not his work. He isn't a drug dealer. Just that he is around a lot of people that partake in recreational drug use.

stuffit - how do I keep a watchful eye without checking his emails and texts on a regular basis? I don't want to be that wife who spies on her husband by constantly checking his personal and private information. And because I don't go away with him I don't have a way of keeping a watchful eye.

He sounds as shallow as she does - he needs to grow up actually, he has a family and he is out playing at drink and drugs party - poor kids :(

Doesn't seem quite right to laugh at the sad pathetic woman, who thus far hasn't done anything wrong that I can see.

The DH is the one at fault here, for deleting the text.

He was deleting it to hide something. Without a doubt. Remember an ex doing that to me once, his phone was underneath the bed, it went off, I picked it up to give it to him and saw it was from a lassie we worked with...asked why so late at 2am in the morning and he deleted it straight off. As far as I am concerned anyone that is secretive with their phone has a reason and it's rarely good. Sorry, just my opinion.

doggiemumma - unless you work in his industry you wouldn't understand. The parties are a big part of his work. He runs his own business and earns a decent income in a job that he enjoys.

And please don't feel sorry for our daughter. He works from home during the week, has been around at home for DD since she was a baby and is a huge part of her life. He is an amazing dad, I will give him that.

His job and what it entails is not what I have an issue with. It's the woman.

Well if you think it is ok for a parent to go to drinks and drugs parties because it is part of "his work" then i dont know what to say really. I understand that that sort of behaviour is inexcusable if you are some sort of chav swigging stella and smoking spliffs just as it is inexcusable if you are swigging bollinger and snorting cocaine. It is NOT OK just because it is for his work. It is a lousy example too.

doggie - Did I say that my husband takes drugs? Nope. He is around it a lot though. I can't go into too much detail but when he is away he has to have his head screwed on. Getting off his head on coke or whatever wouldn't be a wise thing for him to do business-wise.

I don't expect him to retrain as an accountant or something more 'respectable' just because he is a parent. He has worked bloody hard to get where he is in his career and I respect that.

Sounds like a nightmare - give me an accountant any day - especially one that doesn't delete his texts from his "groupie" when his wife rumbles him. I would struggle to respect that.

no because accountants don't have affairs do they.

You're picking on something that I said I don't have an issue with. You don't know his work/industry because I have chosen not to tell you about it as I want to remain anonymous. You have no idea about his work so leave that alone.

This could be any work romance. A man meeting a woman at work.

The reason I mentioned the parties etc is to highlight how laid back and trusting I am of him. I realise there might be women (inc you doggiemumma) who would not be content with their partners being away at weekends at these events.

But I am. And it has been fine up to now after 8 years.

Which he clearly has done. But you are using his "industry" to try and justify it to yourself. It doesn't matter that temptation is put in his way because of his work - he succumbed to it and is now trying to cover his tracks. I think your last sentence was really revealing i think you have answered your own question. I am not meaning to sound mean but it is screamingly obvious to me that he rather enjoys his party lifestyle. Do you get to go along with him? or do you just have to wait at home?

Read my last message. I mentioned his work to highlight my trust in him. He doesn't work in a conventional 9-5 job. But even if he did he might have met some woman there. I am not using his 'industry' to justify it to myself at all.

And so what if he enjoys his job. The parties are a part of it and I'm okay with that. I know his clients and am friends with them. I don't get to go away with him that often (maybe 2x a year) because we have a DD and don't live near family. DD has been away with us when he has been working away but this usually involves me walking around a European city on my own with DD whilst DH works.

So what are you going to do about the texts? He is hiding something and if you don't get to the bottom of this you will no longer be OK with him being away, not now he is breached your trust.