not sure what to think

[bleepfuckingbleep]

I have namechanged for this. Sorry if this is long but don't want to drip feed.

DH works in the entertainment industry and works away about 3 weekends in 4 a month. He is 'friends' with a woman on Twitter who is a bit of a 'climber' in the field of entertainment DH works in. This is how I came to know about her.

DH regularly bumps into her at events. I know for a fact that he has used his position to get her onto VIP lists at events. I know this because I read his email out of extreme nosiness and curiosity (and maybe a bit of paranoia too). I have asked him who she is and he has described her as someone he bumps into when away.

We were out as a family last weekend. I was taking a pic of our DD using his iPhone (whilst DH was there) and a text from this woman came up. I asked what this woman was doing texting him when she is just a 'fan' and why she has his number. DH was due to be going away that evening and it appeared from what I read that the text was about meeting up with this woman that night. I walked off to think about it. When I got back I asked DH if I could read the text and its history. He gave me the phone but when I looked he had deleted it. He said he deleted it because he just wanted it to be forgotten about and that I would get the wrong end of the stick about it.

He claims she is just a friend and said 'if it was a man texting me would you be so bothered?'. Which, to be honest, I wouldn't.

He has been away this weekend and I know she has been there. To top it all off, I am pregnant with DC2 and feeling a bit shit and fat, our sex life is crap at the moment and I have been sat here feeling paranoid.

This is the first time I have felt mistrustful of DH. I don't think he would have a physical affair. I just don't like all this smoke and mirrors thing with the deleting of texts sent by unknown women to him when he is out with his family. And the setting up of meetings on weekend jollies (which they definitely are jollies).

I don't know. This is probably all in my head. But it is toxic and niggling away at me.

bored - sorry to sound trite but does that mean she would have tried to sleep with you if you were better connected?

I have a friend who's soon to be ex husband is in "the industry" and it sounds like a shower of shite for the partners.

I can see that in the entertainment industry it would be necessary to network and go to functions as your DH does so harping on about the fact that his career has some fun aspects is not the point and maybe he should be commended for being successful in his role. More of a concern is describing your sex-life as crap at the moment and why you might be feeling fat rather than pregnant and special - which is what your DH should be making you feel. People who are happy in there personal lives are less likely to stray. I hope you still get time to go out together and share fun times, if that has been lacking then maybe it would help you both to address that

Surprise him one night, and turn up unexpectedly.

If this happened to me, I'd do anything I could to see their text exchanges. Have you looked at his mails/bank account activity? Suppose hotels all go on expenses anyhow.

I don't like the sound of this 'industry'. I wonder why it got like that?

Either way OP, I think the only thing you can really do is talk more about it with him for now. Good luck. :)

What sort of phone does he have? My phone has a contacts history - so even though you delete the messages, you can still access texts via this - he probably doesn't realise this, id check that. But then if i was in a position where i was having to play detective in my relationship id be seriously questioning it.

OP - whoever this woman is, she is not the problem, your DH is.

If he has a job where he works away a lot and goes to 'interesting' parties, trust is more important than ever, so he should be bending over backwards to make sure he is transparent in everything he does.

I'm sorry, but his deleting the text screams guilt. Think about it. A perfectly innocent male friend texts you about arrangements for this evening, your DH sees it. What's your reaction? To delete it?

You are pregnant, so I would ask firstly, how much do you want to know at the moment?

Oh dear, highly suspicious behaviour deleting definitely. He definitely has something to hide there then hasn't he? Your spidey senses aren't tingling for nothing..

I don't like the sound of this op. of this was me I'd be going through his phone. Not a nice route but how else do you find out?

I agree with others you shouldn't feel insecure because you're pregnant

it's not "smoke and mirrors" to delete texts that he knows you know are in existence

then use the justification "but you would get the wrong idea if you saw them" as a justification for that

only people with something to hide would do that

you are giving him far too much slack for this, OP

this "cool wife" act will be the undoing of you, I would hazard to guess

Forget this woman.
You either trust your husband or you don't

Seems pretty much like something is going on. You could try and dig further on your own or you could ask him what things in your relationship he is not happy with at the moment and express that you feel unhappy too. If you directly ask him about a possible affair (which I'm afraid sounds a possibility) chances are he will deny and cover up all he can.
So do you dig, find out, leave? Dig, show proof and see if you can work on things? It's up to you how to handle it. As you say he spends weekdays around the home, do you think he would realise what he could lose if you took the kids to 'visit' a friend or relative for a while? That could make him see what he would be risking or just help him to see more of the other woman depending on how strong your relationship is and what he thinks of it. Either way you will find your answer about what he wants if you get out of the situation for a while.

Thanks for all of your replies.

I had to go as he came back after weekend away. Convo went something like this.

Me - 'Was X there?'.
Him - 'Yes'.
Me - 'I actually know she was there. I have seen her fawning over X & X on Twitter' (people who I know DH was with).
Him - 'Yes she is really friendly with them now'.
M - 'I wonder why she is friendly? Because you keep on inviting her to these events maybe? Plus I know you must have been in contact with her since I saw the text from her last weekend. You said last weekend she was getting in touch about the event this weekend'.
H - 'Yes. She knows everyone I work with now. We get on and have a laugh together. That is all there is to it'.
M - 'How old is this woman?' (thinking she is 20 or something).
H - '29'.
M - 'You are fucking joking. Does she know you are married with a family?'.
H - 'Yes'.
M - 'So what the fuck is a 29yo woman doing texting a married man and adding kisses on the end of the text? Is she out of her mind?'.
H - 'There's nothing going on. She was there with her boyfriend, X'.
M - 'Sure ok'.

Then I went at him with loads of 'put yourself in my shoes' scenarios such as 'how strange would it appear if I texted my friend's husband for reasons unknown to friend and added kisses on the end' etc etc. He agrees this would be strange and a bit wrong. I have asked that he distance himself from her. I don't see why, just because she is a big fan, that she gets access to all these events. DH mentioned that she is an airhead ditzy type but is a laugh. Of course that made me feel better along with the fact that I know she dresses in skimpy clothes

I don't feel shit and fat this morning. I feel pregnant. I felt shit and fat last night because my DH had been out all weekend with this woman parading round his group whilst he was working.

I think there are two possibilities here: 1. Something is going on, and he is hiding it from you; or 2. She is chasing him, and he is being sucked in because of his ego, but still feels bad enough to hide it from you.

Can you sit him down and have a frank discussion with him? Personally, if it were me, I would rather know.

As I said up thread, if it is the latter, I think that is easy enough to handle, but you do have to get it out into the open.

When asked why he got in touch with her again after last weekend, he said 'what was I supposed to do? She emailed me about X event and I had already told her we could organise her being there this weekend'.

So this is it. She is in with their crowd and friends with all his clients and he is afraid of looking weird by shunning her now. But I have told him in no uncertain terms that he needs to distance himself from her, limit contact with her and to stop inviting her attention.

He has said that he will so we will see how this goes.

I can't check his phone as I don't know his password. I could check his emails but if he is canny there will be nothing on there anyway as he would delete it all as soon as he sent/received it. That is if she is emailing him and not texting him on the phone he knows I can't check.

Sittinginthesun - the way he spelled it out to me was that she was there with her boyfriend (which might be true but no mention of him on her Twitter). There is nothing going on. She is just friendly with their group.

He thinks he is entirely innocent and is acting it. So that makes me think that he could be. I did ask about the deleting of the text again and he said 'because we had spoken about X before then for you to see the text I knew automatically what you would think. I wanted to get rid of it because it was horrible'.

Horrible eh.

Sounds as though you have done all that you can, you just have to trust him for now and see what happens.

Honestly, I have been in a similar position, and I have told my DH that it is a question of making sure he doesn't cross the line. I know that some people would get pissed off if their OH even chatted to another woman, but I don't have a problem with that, so long as he is making it clear that he is happily married, and that I am not to be messed with!

Tell your DH that the key thing is honesty. If she texts or emails, he should let you see them. If they are of a nature that he can't show then to you, then there is a problem.

Agree with op that his work is nothing to do with it

Why does everyone jump on everything on this site

Thanks sittinginthesun. I will keep an eye on it. I hate feeling like I have to do this and yes it might seem like me being the 'cool wife' will come back to bite me on the bum but we have never had a problem like this before.

I will ask him to let me read any texts/emails from her. If I find out she has been at events that he has I know it will have been him that helped her get access to these events and if he hasn't shown me their contact email/text then he is hiding things from me.

Jesus. I feel like his mother.

hmmmm, i have had second thoughts about the deleting after your last lot of messages. I think maybe it IS a case of her chasing him and he didn't want you to think it was reciprocated. BUT his ego is stopping him from telling her to fuck right off. I don't think you sound like you are trying to be a "cool wife" . I think you think the best of your DH, who is probably a bit of a flirt but you are ok with that (i wouldn't be, but i AM insecure i'll admit that, i could never be you).

If this were me, id text this dozy bitch tell her you have seen her texts and that she is to fuck right off, that your DH is hugely embarrased by it and doesn't like to offend people but as his wife you are looking out for his best interests. Im not sure thats the best course of action but it is the one i would follow. (actually id text her and say "keep away from my DH or i will kill you" but i wouldnt advise that!)

doggiemumma - Would you really text that? What if the situation is entirely innocent? Even if I had proof of an affair I wouldn't text someone telling them I would kill them.

I'm not going to get in touch with her and threaten her. It is DH's job to do the shunning, not mine. I don't see why I should come across as the mad, insecure, sat-at-home wifey who doesn't like her husband being around other women. Which isn't true apart from this one woman. And of course all of our friends (DH's clients) would get to hear about that.

Doggiemumma, that is terrible advice imo!

Texting a woman to tell her to leave your DH alone? You will look insane. And very threatened.

Look, you either trust your DH or you don't. Say this woman is in fact 'chasing' him. So what? He isn't interested. She'll get the message - but it has to be from him.

From anybody else, it is pointless and counter productive.

X posts.