not sure what to think

[bleepfuckingbleep]

I have namechanged for this. Sorry if this is long but don't want to drip feed.

DH works in the entertainment industry and works away about 3 weekends in 4 a month. He is 'friends' with a woman on Twitter who is a bit of a 'climber' in the field of entertainment DH works in. This is how I came to know about her.

DH regularly bumps into her at events. I know for a fact that he has used his position to get her onto VIP lists at events. I know this because I read his email out of extreme nosiness and curiosity (and maybe a bit of paranoia too). I have asked him who she is and he has described her as someone he bumps into when away.

We were out as a family last weekend. I was taking a pic of our DD using his iPhone (whilst DH was there) and a text from this woman came up. I asked what this woman was doing texting him when she is just a 'fan' and why she has his number. DH was due to be going away that evening and it appeared from what I read that the text was about meeting up with this woman that night. I walked off to think about it. When I got back I asked DH if I could read the text and its history. He gave me the phone but when I looked he had deleted it. He said he deleted it because he just wanted it to be forgotten about and that I would get the wrong end of the stick about it.

He claims she is just a friend and said 'if it was a man texting me would you be so bothered?'. Which, to be honest, I wouldn't.

He has been away this weekend and I know she has been there. To top it all off, I am pregnant with DC2 and feeling a bit shit and fat, our sex life is crap at the moment and I have been sat here feeling paranoid.

This is the first time I have felt mistrustful of DH. I don't think he would have a physical affair. I just don't like all this smoke and mirrors thing with the deleting of texts sent by unknown women to him when he is out with his family. And the setting up of meetings on weekend jollies (which they definitely are jollies).

I don't know. This is probably all in my head. But it is toxic and niggling away at me.

no, no, no don't do what doggie said

that would make you look jealous, shrewish, needy, paranoid and make you a laughing stock among this group

this is for your H to sort out

Err, that was a joke! But yes, i would text and tell her to stop embarrasing herself.

but AF, her H isn't sorting it out, he is encouraging it. So either he sorts it or she does,,,,, or she wakes up and smells the fact that he isn't going to change and accepts being left holding the baby while he swans about "working"

Sorry, but texting the 'ow' to tell her to stop embarrassing herself is the single most embarrassing thing the op could do.

Her DH is not a child. He does not need to have his friendships managed for him.

I suspect OW will move on once she has a better 'contact'. After all it's much more fun to be put on the guest list by whomever she's a fan of, than by one of the entourage.

I'm always bemused by the lengths some women will go to in order to get close to fame. My DH was offered a blow job by a young woman just to get backstage at a concert. Whilst he was flattered, he politely declined.

if her H doesn't sort it then OP has a lot of thinking to do about how much he respects her, and whether or not she is happy to stay in a relationship without respect

none of that should involve OP getting herself involved in some crazy kind of "mad wife" scenario, there is enough bad behaviour going oin here, adding her own to the mix is likely to make her feel even worse

worldgonecrazy = this is it! There are loads of fans (male and female) who would like to get close to people DH works with but it is just this one woman who keeps coming up. And she is so uncool about it. Really fake and OTT pally with her new friends. I spelled this out to DH last night and about what it looks like to his clients that he allows women like this to get close to them. But apparently they are happy to have her around. Maybe it's the skimpy clothes. I don't know.

don't know why there was an = sign in there

AnyFucker - yes I will continue to maintain the moral high ground and not get myself into a mad wife situation. I would never be able to face these people again...some of whom are very good friends and often stay over at our house (of course, no drugs are permitted in my house).

We will see what comes of it. Luckily she tells everyone on Twitter what she is up all of the time.

Maybe it's the skimpy clothes probably (for the famous people, not your DH!)

Although when I was around that sort of thing, the ennui set in quite quickly. After all, once you've seen one triple lesbian act involving fruit, you've seen them all ...... (sorry just trying to make light of the situation).

I agree, it does look bad on your DH if he is allowing people like this through the net. My belief is that it is part of the unwritten job description to ensure that people like this are kept at a distance from whomever he is working for.

Sorry, I just don't buy this discourse about men being naive and not noticing when someone is trying to get too close, especially when they are in people-oriented jobs where they have to 'read' situations and act accordingly. The only reason they don't put barriers up is because they don't want to. The only reason they delete texts is because they don't want their own behaviour put under the microscope.

Denigrating this other woman to you OP is a very obvious manipulation based on your prejudices towards other women and the way they dress/behave. If he joins you in criticising another woman's appearance, it takes the heat off him and you can contentedly believe that your husband wouldn't be interested in a 'woman like that'.....

But actions speak louder than words. He is interested in this woman but won't admit it to you. She is behaving inappropriately, but he is allowing it.

Stop focusing on her because it shouldn't matter a fig what she (or any other woman for that matter) dresses like or behaves, it's your husband's response to it that matters.

I agree, I do have prejudices about 29yo women who dress like tarts, behave like air-heads and spend their free time following famous people around and texting married men when they are not a friend of the wife.

If it was one thing (the dressing like a tart for example) but none of the other things in the list above then of course I wouldn't give a shit that there was a woman who DH saw at work who happened to dress in skimpy clothes. My prejudices lie not with any one thing but the whole person this woman seems to be.

Anyway yes I agree that it is him who needs to put up the barriers. I have to have another discussion with him on how to take this forward because no doubt she will be in touch again.

Wow, sternface. Those are my thoughts exactly, and put so well.

Yup, what sternface said.

yeah, it's about time there was a "like what sternface said" button

Also he didn't join in criticising her appearance. He just mentioned that she is a ditzy air-head type who is a laugh. I know how she dresses from her Twitter acc.

I'm in. Where's the petition?

Thanks

He didn't have to criticise her appearance. He knows which buttons to press with you that will unearth your prejudices and he's not above making those prejudices work in his favour. You've commented on her apparel and he added more information to add to a convenient stereotype. This then allows you both to conjoin in a false story about a vaccuous sexual predator and a naive, well-intentioned and polite man.

What I'm saying to you is that this woman might well be predatory; there's no reason why we should expect women to be any more or less predatory than a man. But don't believe for one minute that your husband is naive, unable to read social cues or manipulate a situation for his own objectives and most importantly, isn't deriving some benefit from his contact with her.

And again. WSS.

When did I say that I believe he is naive? Read my post from Sun 01-Jul-12 21:40:55.

I have no evidence that she likes him in a sexual way. Just that her behaviour (texting) and his reactions have led me to believe that there is something fishy going on. What she wears and the way she behaves means that I do judge her as a person. And yes I'm surprised that DH entertains these sorts of people. He usually has his head screwed on and I've never had reason to question his companions in the past.

So I'm still unsure about all this. The only way I can gauge his relationship with her and his loyalty to me is by his future actions. Let me make this straight - in no way am I letting him get away with behaving in this way and treating me like a mug.

You didn't say he was naive, but if you genuinely believe he himself thinks this is innocent, is afraid of looking 'weird' and needed you to spell out to him how he might be perceived by clients if he doesn't put up some barriers, then this implies you think that there might be other reasons for his actions than the more obvious one which is that he wants to be in contact with this woman and is getting something from their interactions.

So I'm suggesting to you that he doesn't believe himself to be innocent, it's not his fear of looking 'weird' that is stopping him from blocking her and that he didn't need another intelligent adult to point out to him the consequences of his behaviour.

So you are suggesting that based on what you know of him from this thread that he definitely is guilty? And that I should have no trust in him whatsoever? As I said earlier in the thread I have had no reason before to mistrust my DH.

This is the first time and totally out of character which is why I am treading cautiously. I can't go at him with the 'you dirty, cheating bastard' stick based on what has happened up to now.

No I'm not suggesting he is 'guilty', nor am I suggesting that you should have no trust in him. I also wouldn't recommend the 'stick' you mention in your last paragraph.

What I am suggesting is that you are more realistic about the lies and self-permissions we all give ourselves when we are doing something we want to do, but know we shouldn't. And the ability in all of us to manipulate someone else who would think badly of us if the truth were known. And manipulate a situation so that it can continue, but somebody else gets the blame for it.

Yes, these are less edifying aspects of the human condition that we are all capable of to greater and lesser degrees. If we are in relationships with people however who don't let us off the hook and won't buy the stories we weave, we have greater respect for their rights and we tend to examine our behaviour more introspectively.

Whereas if the person we're in a relationship with finds excuses for our behaviour and worse still wants to blame someone else for it, we lose respect for that person and in the worst cases, we will push more boundaries and try to get away with worse behaviour.

I think your husband is flattered by the attention of a woman he likes and whose company he enjoys. I don't think he wants to admit that to you and may not even be ready to admit that to himself. Therefore all his explanations and your beliefs about it allow the situation (and the denial of it) to continue until there is a point of no return.

At which point he will tell himself and anyone prepared to listen that it 'just happened' and that he 'didn't see it coming'.

None of which is true.

So I'd approach this by acknowledging some truths here about human nature and trying to get your husband to examine his own motives. This doesn't have to be an angry exchange, but one that is accepting of the realities that if someone makes us feel good, it can be intoxicating and pleasurable. In the best of cases, this might produce a better understanding between you about eachother's frailties and vulnerabilities - and greater respect for the other's position.

I'm not sure that I am being manipulated. Of course this is something that I don't believe has happened to me before but my DH is not a manipulative man. I wouldn't live with a man like that.

I don't think you are giving me much credit here tbh.

And in getting DH to examine his own motives, I have gone over this with him. He believes it is all innocent, they are all friends and he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. I can't get him to admit to doing something when he obviously doesn't believe (or is refusing to admit) that he is guilty of any wrongdoing.

I trust him enough to act well on my behalf in future relations with this woman. If this continues to cause me any future stress I believe our relationship will be in much bigger trouble.

I can't see that here is anything else I can do. What can I do?

here = there