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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is constantly ill, I feel like a single mum

86 replies

s0fedup · 30/06/2012 22:17

hi everyone
I am a lurker mostly but I posted recently and had some great advise...
I have name changed just in case any rl peeps spot me...
I have a good man for a DH. He works VERY hard, in an extremely stressful and time consuming job. He is very driven and passionate about his job.
We have 2DC and I work part time, 3 days a week in a demanding job but at a lower level, if that makes sense...

Anyway my problem is this, DH health.
He is CONSTANTLY ill. This week for example, he had to work long hours over the weekend so he was very tired come Monday. On Tuesday I had to leave work early as he was feeling really ill, to put kids to bed.
Fast forward to Saturday night and here I am on mumsnet after running DS' to 2 separate parties today, an event tomorrow, and I have completed ALL childcare, washing, cleaning etc all week, while he has laid on the sofa with what can only be described as the most hideous 'ill face'

'oh she is a bit harsh' i hear you say and I would say that too but... this happens alot. I mean every few weeks he is struck down with something terrible. I can see he really is unwell, he is definitely not faking but I am finding it really hard to cope with.
I feel like a single mum because when he is not ill he is working!

It is like living with someone with a chronic disease. I think, and I know this sounds crazy, but, i think he is really unhappy and just wont admit it. I dont think he enjoys family life as he seems to relish work but not us.

I was very firm on thursday and said I thought he needed to sort himself out as we had a busy weekend ahead but he seems to be getting worse...

Oh and he is foul when he is ill. He want to be left completely alone so I guess I am lonely too

Reading this back I seem like a total bitch but i cant help feeling, just sad about my life I guess...

Not really sure what I am asking for, maybe I just need to get it out? x

OP posts:
wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 22:20

I had this with my DH, drove me batshit crazy.

Anyway he left his shitty job and things calmed down.

Has he always been like this OP

workshy · 30/06/2012 22:22

you don't sound like a bitch, he sounds like a knob

but then he could well be depressed, stress can have physical symptoms too

you are undervaluing yourself if you think him having a higher position at work trumps your part time work, looking after dcs and doing all the house work -he need to pull his finger out and help

this isn't one of those reverse threads is it?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/06/2012 22:24

Well actually if he can get his shit together for work, then he can do the same at home at least to some extent.

Does he look after himself? Eat well, exercise, go to bed at a decent hour rather than staying up watching crap telly/playing on a console etc?

Original poster
s0fedup · 30/06/2012 22:27

oooh I dont know what a reverse thread is.... (i still have to check the acronyms from time to time!!)

Sleep now, my mum has always said she thought he was 'sickly'
I think he could be depressed as I think he is not happy but wont admit it

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 30/06/2012 22:27

My dh is ill a lot too. Sympathy, it is quite draining.

DH can't work at all though Sad or at least not at the moment. He is now doing voluntary/recovery work 1 day a week which is a massive step. When I met him he was a successful guy working full time... what have I done!!

I would tackle this in two ways - one, can he/the household afford some more help? Could he employ a cleaner, one who does laundry as well? Fair enough that he works hard and is not well, but what IS he going to do about his domestic responsibilities?

Secondly, could you talk to him about this pattern of illness? it's worrying, because if he becomes unable to work (and I'm afraid that can happen, as I know all too well) how sustainable would your lives be?

AnyoneForTennis · 30/06/2012 22:30

You are NOTHING like a single mum! What makes you think you are? It's not remotely like that.

bushymcbush · 30/06/2012 22:31

He does sound like a bit of a faker tbh.

Original poster
s0fedup · 30/06/2012 22:31

That is what really gets to me, he will struggle through a week at work feeling bad then our families weekend is shit because he is so ill. This is the first time he has taken such a chunk of time off.

What also make s me really upset is I am rarely ill. About a month ago I had an undiagnosed inflammation of my stomach lining, absolute sodding agony. By 3rd day, (i had still done school/nursery run but off work myself) I physically could not get out of bed. he was dressed and about to go to work and I said i cannot have my DS2 (not my work day) he actually thought he could go to work? with the person he loves in that state???

Yes he does look after himself, unable to do sport any more through injury (and no time)

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 30/06/2012 22:33

I have completed ALL childcare, washing, cleaning etc all week

Yes but unlike a single mother you still have his wage coming in!! Grin

YANBU to feel abandoned though, its bloody hard work & like having another child when you have a "man-flu" sufferer on your hands.

Tell him to get himself to the docs for a complete health "MOT" to check there isn't some underlying problem or else shift his butt off the sofa to help, lying there isn't getting him better or you less frazzled!

How old is he?

Original poster
s0fedup · 30/06/2012 22:35

He is 34, very true about the money, but he is also very careful and worries about money, in a word -tight- but thats a whole different thread!!

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 30/06/2012 22:43

Chronic tiredness & stress though can lay you low & vulnerable to loads of stuff so maybe he needs to have a chat with the GP & look at giving himself some time off so he can rest but still support you.

SerialKipper · 30/06/2012 22:47

"It is like living with someone with a chronic disease." Hmm

Maybe you are living with someone with a chronic disease. Or something more acute. That's hard work on you and very boring, but it's also something he urgently needs to go to the doctor about.

squeakytoy · 30/06/2012 22:48

If he is genuinely ill, (as you say he is) and is struggling to put all the effort into work, so that there is a wage coming in, then no wonder he is exhausted at weekends, so I do think it sounds a bit harsh to be complaining about him.

It does sound like he needs to see the GP though and get to the root of it. It could just be stress and exhaustion, which lowers your immune system and can leave you more vulnerable to picking up bugs and viruses.

Original poster
s0fedup · 30/06/2012 23:01

i totally agree about the stress/rundown thing. he was suffering a month ago with terrible tummy problems ao had lots of blood tests at docs which all came back clear...
this is why i think there is more to it...

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 01/07/2012 00:40

It is like living with someone with a chronic disease. I think, and I know this sounds crazy, but, i think he is really unhappy and just wont admit it

My first instinct is burnout stress, seen it before, lowers the immune system. He needs to see a doctor for starters.

mrsfollowill · 01/07/2012 01:57

I could have written the OP 10 yrs ago- it turned out DH did have a chronic undiagnosed condition. I totally understand your frustration- DH also did not want to 'bother' the doctor until he could not physically go to work.
The fact he was useless at the weekend did not matter and I coped with newborn DS alone.

Yes- we still had his wage coming in though Grin- although at one stage I considered asking him to leave as I felt I was looking after 2 babies and thought it would be easier to go it alone.

He really needs to see his GP- in our case although DH takes a shedload of medication daily he can now function as a human again! It's not normal to be ill all the time and he needs to sort it out. You have my every sympathy but you cannot carry on this way. Also think about if it was the other way round? If you felt like shit all the time what would you expect from him?

iscream · 01/07/2012 02:15

Thank God for my wonderful dh. I am chronically ill, as is our ds2. An ds2 has a loving girlfriend for 7 years wwho is unnfilingly suportive.
Your dh is not well, and needs a though physical to see what is the matter.

teaandthorazine · 01/07/2012 07:01

Please don't compare yourself to a single mother. Single mothers 'complete all the childcare, washing and cleaning' on their own all week, EVERY week. And spend all weekend/every evening running the kids to parties and events on their own. And have to work long, demanding hours because they don't have a partner's wage coming in. And do all this when they are ill themselves, too, btw! Your situation is not the same, at all.

However, it does sound irritating and your dh needs to sort himself out. He's not being fair to you or your dcs to carry on like this. Tell him so, and get him to the GP this week.

letsblowthistacostand · 01/07/2012 09:52

I'm the ill one in my family. Getting through the week can take so much energy that you just collapse at the weekend. After many tests (all clear) it turned out that I had a giant benign tumor. Tumor removed, confirmed benign, I feel loads better. The last bug we had did not lay me out for a week and i feel much brighter and more able to cope. I'm also on ads, because feeling that awful for so long can get you a bit down.

Luckily I have a vv supportive husband who didn't assume I was faking or malingering, kept pushing me to the dr, went with me at crucial times, looked after kids & house on his own when necessary--even though it's gotten him down too.

Get your dh to the dr. A course of ads could be a start but perhaps a full MOT is in order? Could you go private? Good luck, I hope you get it sorted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/07/2012 10:13

Even if he doesn't have an undiagnosed, underlying condition, if working all hours is leaving him so wiped out as to be a burden the rest of the time, that's bad for his health and unfair on the rest of the family. You need to talk about work-life balance. Leaving work at a reasonable time, no more weekends, taking some holiday. No-one's job is that important.

Triffiddealer · 01/07/2012 11:13

This isn't a competition. The OP may be worse off than a lot of single mothers. Some single mothers have ex-partners who are actively involved with their children and take on a lot of the childcare. She was just stating that ALL the domestic childcare and family chores fall on her and as there are 2 parents at home, that shouldn't be the case, right?

OP - you are not a bitch, but there are 2 issues here.

  1. Is your DH actually sick? He needs to go to the doctor and get checked out. He needs to make time to do that, because it is affecting your happiness and his relationship with his children. Please make that clear to him, because if he refuses or keeps delaying, he is sending you a very strong message about where you are on his list of priorities.
  1. Is he just stressed? He may well run on adrenaline at work and the minute there is any down time he gets ill. This is a common pattern. If there is a short-term goal (like a promotion) that he is aiming for, this is sustainable. If not and it's just how he wants to live his life, it isn't. It will have long-term effects on his health - and of course on his family life.

I'm not sure how you get him to see the damage he is doing to you and your family, but you can start by assuming that you have as much right to down time as he does. Have you tried talking to him, or are you too scared of appearing like a bitch?

Original poster
s0fedup · 01/07/2012 16:55

we had an almighty row earlier, i really am feeling sad and numb as now he is ignoring me.
i will post when I have put dc in bed

OP posts:
Original poster
s0fedup · 01/07/2012 21:59

hi
well the earlier row has now been followed by another...
I was upstairs after putting dc to bed when I noticed a picture frame was face down in our room, thought the wind had blown it... turns out it has been smashed and the wedding picture inside (only copy) has been ripped up in bin.

Confront him downstairs and it spirals into a huge row where I am told
I am a retard, a f**king idiot, he really doesnt like me any more, oh and the reason he smashed it was because he wants to smash my face in and it was the next best thing.

I feel numb, I called my pal and chatted to her with lots of tears now i just feel, I dont know

Sorry

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 01/07/2012 22:03

oh dear, I am so sorry it has all got so bad. Glad you talked to your friend.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/07/2012 22:04

I would try and give yourself some space from him now. Hang on in there.