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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DH is constantly ill, I feel like a single mum

86 replies

s0fedup · 30/06/2012 22:17

hi everyone
I am a lurker mostly but I posted recently and had some great advise...
I have name changed just in case any rl peeps spot me...
I have a good man for a DH. He works VERY hard, in an extremely stressful and time consuming job. He is very driven and passionate about his job.
We have 2DC and I work part time, 3 days a week in a demanding job but at a lower level, if that makes sense...

Anyway my problem is this, DH health.
He is CONSTANTLY ill. This week for example, he had to work long hours over the weekend so he was very tired come Monday. On Tuesday I had to leave work early as he was feeling really ill, to put kids to bed.
Fast forward to Saturday night and here I am on mumsnet after running DS' to 2 separate parties today, an event tomorrow, and I have completed ALL childcare, washing, cleaning etc all week, while he has laid on the sofa with what can only be described as the most hideous 'ill face'

'oh she is a bit harsh' i hear you say and I would say that too but... this happens alot. I mean every few weeks he is struck down with something terrible. I can see he really is unwell, he is definitely not faking but I am finding it really hard to cope with.
I feel like a single mum because when he is not ill he is working!

It is like living with someone with a chronic disease. I think, and I know this sounds crazy, but, i think he is really unhappy and just wont admit it. I dont think he enjoys family life as he seems to relish work but not us.

I was very firm on thursday and said I thought he needed to sort himself out as we had a busy weekend ahead but he seems to be getting worse...

Oh and he is foul when he is ill. He want to be left completely alone so I guess I am lonely too

Reading this back I seem like a total bitch but i cant help feeling, just sad about my life I guess...

Not really sure what I am asking for, maybe I just need to get it out? x

OP posts:

Babylon1 · 01/07/2012 22:09

that's awful.

So does this mean that actually he's not as ill as he's making out but just doesn't want to engage with the family?

I'm sorry for you op

Cheddars · 01/07/2012 22:10

Do you feel safe Op?

I would tell him to stay somewhere else tonight and if he won't go, get somebody to come round to be with you.

Original poster

s0fedup · 01/07/2012 22:12

i know, there is more back story but i just am so tired :(

OP posts:

Original poster

s0fedup · 01/07/2012 22:14

I am not scared, thanks for being so concerned though.
He is definitely ill, it was bad timing bringing it up but he has not moved from the sofa since tues

OP posts:

Original poster

s0fedup · 01/07/2012 22:16

i am in spare room, really like being on my own. He is going back to work tomorrow even though he is 'so ill' as work is falling apart,,,

OP posts:

Triffiddealer · 01/07/2012 22:17

So sorry. I understand you are sad, scared and lonely right now. But please hang on to the belief that this is not right, not right at all and you don't have to accept it.

He needs to leave. Nobody has the right to treat you like that. Remember before you were married and had kids - would you ever allow anyone to speak to you like that?

If there is something that can be fixed in the relationship, then that can come later - but if you let this go and he stays there in your home, then he will always not that he can abuse and aggress against you.

Keep posting when you are up to it.

Original poster

s0fedup · 01/07/2012 22:19

thankyou so much, i keep thinking I am a complete cow. I should be grateful and all the other stuff.

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 01/07/2012 22:19

He's basically abusive, not ill. The constant manflu is his weapon of choice: the idea is to inconvenience you and make your life difficult because He Is The Important Person and you are supposed to be scurrying around tending to him.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 01/07/2012 22:26

If he can go to work "so ill" OP then that demonstrates that he could fulfil some responsibilities at home- but he's choosing not to.
I have a chronic illness- I feel poorly all the time , but there is no way I would behave like this.

Cheddars · 01/07/2012 22:31

It is possible he is depressed/stressed. He needs to see his GP, he must know it's not normal to feel ill so much of the time.

He also needs to understand that you will not tolerate his aggression. If somebody said they wanted to smash my face in, they would not be staying anywhere near me or my children.

DollyTwat · 01/07/2012 22:31

the one real benefit of being a single mum - we don't have to put up with anyone else's fuckwittery.

The one thing that is worse than doing everything yourself, is resenting someone else for not doing their share.

I hope you feel better tomorrow op

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 01/07/2012 22:33

Even if he is depressed/stressed, there is absolutely no justification for that behaviour.

carernotasaint · 01/07/2012 22:34

solid is correct. He is abusive not ill. I may get flamed for this but do you think he could be having an affair (emotionally if not physically) he doesnt seem to want to interact with family life at all and its like hes diminishing you in his eyes.
Or hes decided he fancies being single again because hes got "bored" sorry if im wrong.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/07/2012 22:34

I agree with solidgold. He is an abusive twat. Not ill.

carernotasaint · 01/07/2012 22:37

"the one thing that is worse than doing everything yourself is resenting someone else for not doing their share"
one of the best sentences ive seen on mumsnet.
I want a coffee mug with this written on.
But seriously OP even if he is ill which i doubt, that is absolutely NO excuse for what he has done.

savemefromrickets · 01/07/2012 22:38

He should be putting the pressure on the doctor to get it sorted and not taking it out on you.

I'm frequently not well and count down the hours until a stressful work week when I can crash out, but luckily I live on my own so no one really notices, and the jobs just pile up for when I'm better!

Sorry to hear he was so nasty, get him to channel the aggro into getting sorted if yo can. It sounds like his immune system is pretty screwed up and that's notoriously hard to diagnose!!

Blinkeyblonk · 01/07/2012 22:38

I will second that, dolly! Well put! So fed up..sounds like maybe some depression and opting out..or could be more serious..any which way, what is he doing to address it? Is he talking to doctors, looking at changes, acknowledging what you do and what he should be doing?..I have been in a relationship like this with my stbxh and its such hard work watching them watching you do it all..and then your guilt kicks in.chronic illness or not, he does not have to lie there and accept this as the status quo

Mollydoggerson · 01/07/2012 22:39

I think he is depressed, and tbh you do not have to be a crutch for him.

If he is not pulling his weight he needs to make a decision as to whether he wants to stay or go.

Original poster

s0fedup · 01/07/2012 22:44

The one thing that is worse than doing everything yourself, is resenting someone else for not doing their share

wow what a nail on the head moment!

Thanks so much for this support, i am going to try to sleep, but will post tomorrow x

OP posts:

struwelpeter · 01/07/2012 22:46

Not argument, no aggression: he goes to the doctor this week finds out what is wrong - stress, depression, things getting on top of him.
He takes some time off work to get better so that he can manage work and family life and get some perspective.
In the meantime, you do the DCs and yourself. Do nothing for him i.e. no washing, no ironing no sorting out his shit until he sorts himself. You can be firm but fair. Guess he is putting all his coping strategies into work and none into the family. You can only be supportive if he mans up and sorts himself out and given the way he has behaved, he has no right to expect anything from you. There is little point in helping people unless they help themselves or communicate clearly and non-aggressively about areas they find hard.

DollyTwat · 01/07/2012 22:50

Sofedup I've been there, it's exhausting. I would have said he is depressed etc until his nasty behaviour with the photo and his comments.

We're all here to support you, get some sleep and take a fresh look at it in the morning

AllDirections · 01/07/2012 22:51

The one thing that is worse than doing everything yourself, is resenting someone else for not doing their share

This is why I got divorced :o

DollyTwat · 01/07/2012 22:53

Me too

cestlavielife · 01/07/2012 23:00

He goes to the gp finds put his "condition" and addresses it
or he leaves.

Simple,

Today smashing pictures tomorrow who knows?

Babylon1 · 02/07/2012 10:27

How are things this morning sofedup?

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