My DH is constantly ill, I feel like a single mum

[s0fedup]

hi everyone
I am a lurker mostly but I posted recently and had some great advise...
I have name changed just in case any rl peeps spot me...
I have a good man for a DH. He works VERY hard, in an extremely stressful and time consuming job. He is very driven and passionate about his job.
We have 2DC and I work part time, 3 days a week in a demanding job but at a lower level, if that makes sense...

Anyway my problem is this, DH health.
He is CONSTANTLY ill. This week for example, he had to work long hours over the weekend so he was very tired come Monday. On Tuesday I had to leave work early as he was feeling really ill, to put kids to bed.
Fast forward to Saturday night and here I am on mumsnet after running DS' to 2 separate parties today, an event tomorrow, and I have completed ALL childcare, washing, cleaning etc all week, while he has laid on the sofa with what can only be described as the most hideous 'ill face'

'oh she is a bit harsh' i hear you say and I would say that too but... this happens alot. I mean every few weeks he is struck down with something terrible. I can see he really is unwell, he is definitely not faking but I am finding it really hard to cope with.
I feel like a single mum because when he is not ill he is working!

It is like living with someone with a chronic disease. I think, and I know this sounds crazy, but, i think he is really unhappy and just wont admit it. I dont think he enjoys family life as he seems to relish work but not us.

I was very firm on thursday and said I thought he needed to sort himself out as we had a busy weekend ahead but he seems to be getting worse...

Oh and he is foul when he is ill. He want to be left completely alone so I guess I am lonely too

Reading this back I seem like a total bitch but i cant help feeling, just sad about my life I guess...

Not really sure what I am asking for, maybe I just need to get it out? x

He knows he's overstepped the line this time. That's why he's being nice now. Take your time to cool down, Sofedup - let him really get worried that he's seriously screwed things up for good - see what happens next. If he's genuinely contrite, he will continue to make efforts to make it up to you - if he's abusive, the nicey nicey will stop very soon and he'll revert to being a shit, because you're not "playing the game" properly.

i feel mean for not giving in like normal

Don't! You can speak to him without it being a power thing, lay it out for him, what you want to change, what your not happy about, along with the consequences if he continues.

^ agree with last 3 lines of what Thumb said above.
If he does revert back to Mr Shit then you need to start thinking about life without him , he's clearly making you unhappy and if he doesn't enjoy family life with you and DC then he doesn't really deserve to be there.

i feel mean for not giving in like normal

Don't! You can speak to him without it being a power thing, lay it out for him, what you want to change, what your not happy about, along with the consequences if he continues.

^ agree with last 3 lines of what Thumb said above.
If he does revert back to Mr Shit then you need to start thinking about life without him , he's clearly making you unhappy and if he doesn't enjoy family life with you and DC then he doesn't really deserve to be there.

Oopsies!! sorry posted it twice, that's what I get for leaving my reply in the box then coming back to it later

Either A: he needs to see a doctor and get him self checked as maybe there is something seriously wrong??
B: He needs to see a doctor because he may be depressed??
C: He could be swinging the lead/manflu where he just wants an excuse to sit on his arse whilst you run around him......my dh has been known to 'fake' illness so i have to trapse after him

Have it out with him then decide on whether it warrants a trip to docs-thats if he will go

god i feel sick.
On way home and i just want to keep driving

Oh poor you. Feeling like this is quite common when you realise that you have been living with an abuser for a long time. And abusers are always nice some of the time, when they've gone a bit too far, or whatever, as otherwise their victims would see through them a lot quicker.

S0fedup

Your Dp is abusive, Emotional Abuse is very insidious & one of the things these men do is chip away at your own self confidence & self belief until you accept a differing level of what is "normal" in a relationship.

This being nasty then being nice & trying to engage is a classic ploy.
(trying to think of the exact term)

Morning So,

Sorry didn't mean to sound harsh last night, hope you are OK this morning. it's a difficult time for you, hope we can help you get you through this .

Hi sofedup

Just over a year ago, I was where you are. Even if he is ill, stressed, depressed etc. there is no excuse for his behaviour towards you. Keep strong, and insist that things change, that he goes to the doctor, that he does not speak to you like that again, and make sure you are very clear what the consequences are if he does it again.

If he really values you, your relationship and your DC 's he will do something about it, and keep doing something about it, not just for a few days/weeks until you 'forgive him', and all will (eventually) be good.

It took 5 weeks of me being strong and insisting on respect for my exp to leave me because I was a 'miserable c**nt'. you don't have to be confrontational to stand up for yourself, but if every time you do, it turns into him yelling at you it is a sure sign that he is abusive, and the problem lies with him.

And at least for me, being a single Mum is a hundred times easier than putting up with the emotional stress that comes with living with a partner like this.

Oh dear.

I don't know what to say, other than, have you considered councilling? Good luck, hope it works out.