My DH is constantly ill, I feel like a single mum

[s0fedup]

hi everyone
I am a lurker mostly but I posted recently and had some great advise...
I have name changed just in case any rl peeps spot me...
I have a good man for a DH. He works VERY hard, in an extremely stressful and time consuming job. He is very driven and passionate about his job.
We have 2DC and I work part time, 3 days a week in a demanding job but at a lower level, if that makes sense...

Anyway my problem is this, DH health.
He is CONSTANTLY ill. This week for example, he had to work long hours over the weekend so he was very tired come Monday. On Tuesday I had to leave work early as he was feeling really ill, to put kids to bed.
Fast forward to Saturday night and here I am on mumsnet after running DS' to 2 separate parties today, an event tomorrow, and I have completed ALL childcare, washing, cleaning etc all week, while he has laid on the sofa with what can only be described as the most hideous 'ill face'

'oh she is a bit harsh' i hear you say and I would say that too but... this happens alot. I mean every few weeks he is struck down with something terrible. I can see he really is unwell, he is definitely not faking but I am finding it really hard to cope with.
I feel like a single mum because when he is not ill he is working!

It is like living with someone with a chronic disease. I think, and I know this sounds crazy, but, i think he is really unhappy and just wont admit it. I dont think he enjoys family life as he seems to relish work but not us.

I was very firm on thursday and said I thought he needed to sort himself out as we had a busy weekend ahead but he seems to be getting worse...

Oh and he is foul when he is ill. He want to be left completely alone so I guess I am lonely too

Reading this back I seem like a total bitch but i cant help feeling, just sad about my life I guess...

Not really sure what I am asking for, maybe I just need to get it out? x

Hi babylon
I am feeling weird today. drove to work in floods of tears (after I had dropped dcs at cm/nursery)
I think this is the end as we said as much yesterday. I feel so sad about it all.

He went into work as which is just cr8p. He sounded absolutly awful, really ill but still drags himself in? but he couldnt snuggle on the sofa with his kids last night and watch a film?

He came into the spare room to say goodbye to dc but didnt aknowledge me, to be fair I didnt aknwonledge him either.

We seem to have such different ideas about life, no shared goals,
we are just going along.
When I think about our lives before kids he was the same then. Always watching/playing football at weekends or training through the week. I guess now work takes a bigger role but he still prefers to watch tv/internet.

Your husband is clearly abusive , and many abusive men are ill or chronically tired as a means to not have to do anything and also to get attention .

I shuddered when you mentioned the hideously ill face as i lived with that for years , and i dont miss it .

I agree it sounds the end of the line, and he sounds like he is abusive.

BUT at the back of my mind there is a niggle......some health conditions and diseases can make you foul tempered and nasty, so don't automatically write it all off as him being abusive unless he was like this before the DC?

Did he lose his temper with you then if tired or stressed?

He needs to get help either way, you deserve better than this and you need to consider your future with him.

He sounds like an idiot, tbh. And also that he can't be arsed with family life - so less that he's ill or depressed, more that he's using a bit of feeling low to take the easy way out and do fuck all to help out/be with his children/family.

I wouldn't have said that from just your opening post, btw - but since you posted about the smashed and ripped photo and his comments, it seems that's the more likely scenario.

So sorry. :(

Many men dont start being abusive until they are confident their partner is suitable dependent on them , ie , after the birth of children , and while i accept that genuine illness can make people foul tempered it doesn't cause abuse . Normal men dont speak to their wives like that .

A genuine test of whether he is ill / depressed or just plain abusive is very simple . Does he yell and insult other people ? Does he yell and insult you in front of other people ?

no to both :(

Is it possible there could be someone else involved?

*Confront him downstairs and it spirals into a huge row where I am told
I am a retard, a f*king idiot, he really doesnt like me any more, oh and the reason he smashed it was because he wants to smash my face in and it was the next best thing

Jeesh, this is scary imo. Very nasty. I think I would report it to a women's support centre or even the police. Not because you think he will do that but so that you have some ammunition if you need it in the future if you divorce or else to demonstrate how extreme his moods are and you think he is ill.

If you say to GP or relate counsellor that he lies on the sofa as he is tired after work you won't get much sympathy however, what he said there is not good, especially with little DCs about and would mean they are more likely to think there is something serious wrong with him mentally or that he has a dangerous temper.

i cant believe his behaviour is abuse.
he has always had a bad temper, and said horrible things during rows. but he always says after he didnt mean it. He once said I was the most boring person in tge world and thats why he cant stand to be around me.

i feel sick as he is not home and I just dont know what to do? or say?

thanks again for listening

sorry forgot to say, i am pretty sure there is know one else as he has no time!!!

he is home
very rare to be home this early, he is making a real effort to engage with dc.
shame it took this.

i have left them to it and going to pop in shower.

no words exhanged between us...

I normally have great sympathy for ill people and the toll this can take on their lives, including their jobs and relationship. Being chronically ill can effect you emotionally and sometimes make you moody or down.

However, none of what you says quite makes sense. I don't know if there is really much point in talking to a man who smashes your wedding pictures and calls you boring. But I really don't see how you can work out what is going on with him, without doing that. Perhaps you could give it one more try when you are both at your most calm and relaxed? If he is still hostile you could ask him if he wants to separate.

He doesn't sound all that exciting to be around either. Not sure why you don't think his behaviour is abuse? Are you used to being treated like that? Most people wouldn't and don't tolerate behaviour like that. I'd ask him to leave if he's that fed up. Sounds like he has given you good training for being a single Mum anyway so it won't be that hard a step. It's not an easy life but it's great to have control of your own destiny back.

i think its because its not all the time, the name calling i mean. only when we row.

i just keep thinking i am over reacting

Is he hiding something, gambling problems, slightly dodgy financial stuff at work etc. which could create terrible stress and why he must drag himself into work however he feels? my DH was like this (but without the name calling). It transpired he was trying to keep too many plates spinning which led to taking risks eg gambling and ultimately (as he had pressed the self destruct button big time) to an affair (and yes I thought he was too busy/stressed to have the time).

Just a thought.

Sofed up its not all the time because its part of the cycle of abuse. They put on the nicey nicey act afterwards so that you then think "oh hes not that bad after all."
the only reason he is now "making a real effort with the DC" now is because he realises hes gone too far.
And it shouldnt take an "effort" for him to engage with his own children. Hes their father FFS. It should come naturally.

how should i play it? he asked me about some odd medical thing on his body, i was curt in my response and told him it didnt look normal and he should google it.
he came up and did bath and bed with me. One of yhe things i said he never does any more.
i am not going to bloody thank him for talking to his kids ffs.

they r in bed and i am heading downstairs, feel sick but strangly strong...

Keep that strong feeling, use your emotions wisely

he made dinner
i accepted ut but eating in a separate room...

Sounds a horrible situation OP and I know you're trying to get to the bottom of it, but to be honest, from my POV it sounds like he doesn't want to be there.
What's the breaking of the wedding photo and the explanation all about :( doesn't sound like he's just ill, sounds like there's some depression and/or other psychological problems.

Also, if you want to try and sort it out....why are you eating a meal he's cooked in another room? If he's trying to make an effort albeit a bit late then possibly he realises and wants to work on things..... I'm not saying you should bow down just because he made you food but an olive branch may have got him talking IYSWIM.

Good luck, I hope you find a solution xx

i know don, but I just cant face more tears, and rowing...

he has tried to start a couple of converations tonight, i think he thinks it will all be forgotton like usual, i feel mean for not giving in like normal but he needs to see this time its different

i cant believe his behaviour is abuse

If a stranger in the street yelled the same hurtfull things you would have no trouble labelling it as abusive . Abuse is abuse no matter who commits it .

he has always had a bad temper, and said horrible things during rows. but he always says after he didnt mean it

Then im sorry to say it sounds like he has been being abusive to you for a very long time . The fact you think you should be gratefull , that you feel mean or that you think your over reacting is a sign that you are being severeley emotionally abused , the feelings you describe are a direct result of that abuse .

He feels entitled to treat you like this because you are his wife , ie , property in his eyes . Have you family you can confide in ?

He sounds horrible. There is no excuse for abuse.

He needs to go back to the doctor about his health. To be that run down is not normal. As I said there is no excuse, but feeling crappy can make people very moody.

Op is he the victim / martyr type ?

All this whinging about being ill and asking you medical questions stinks of attention seeking . I dont buy he is that ill or run down . I have lived with relative with a terminal illness , and i have also lived with a whining adult man who could spend every day slumped on the sofa groaning about how ill he was while never doing anything about it . I have never ONCE seen actual physical symptoms of him being ill , but i did notice he would amazingly recover if we had visiters or if the phone rang .

God forbid anyone else saw him doing the ill act .