Family finances - how do you sort out your equal share?

[minitinyminuteme]

Was just wondering really how other households divide wages etc.

Have partner who works full time and i work part time but am expected to do everything else - housework, shopping, washing etc. After we are paid we split things down the middle exactly. I am left with about £10 to last me the week whilst he gets left with about £150 sometimes more.

Have a dd 14 and another dd 3 and one on the way (4 months pregnant).

When they need things i am expected to pay out for them even though he earns so much more than i do. For example our toddler needed a bed as she was jumping out of her cot which was dangerous and i ended up buying bed, mattress and bedding. Not that i mind of course as it was essential.

Suppose just want a moan and some other opinions on the situation, nothing too horrible as new to this.

Really? I'm saying his attitude would make sense if they were just dating, short term. It doesn't if they are long-term partners. Partners regard each other as equal whereas you and, and as you tell it, he, see her as a less deserving member of their 'partnership' because she has a less strong work-ethic and/or is less materialistic than him.

It comes across from your telling that he doesn't love or value her. Most people want to use their money to make a good life for their family, together, not just for themselves.

No-one is disputing that he works harder but the obsession with equal effort is yours alone. The thing I don't get is why he is with someone he doesn't value enough to enter into a real partnership with, or how he imagines that could possibly work as a family. 'we're having ice-cream children but mummy can't have any because her lax work ethic means she can't afford to pay for her own'.

Except that we all chose the live we have. One can chose to have an 'easy life' and someone else will chose a 'hard working life'. There might be lots of reasons for it in both cases which goes way beyond 'oh he is a lazy type of person'.
On the top of it, you can have an 'easy life' and earn a lot more than another person who has a 'hard life' and earns little.

So I don't think that saying 'X is working harder therefore he should get more money' is making any sense.

The organization where partners are paying exactly the same amount in the pot works only if the 2 people have relatively similar incomes (otherwise one of them could be in the negative each month before even starting to 'spend' any money on themselves) and the 'richer' partner is happy with a 'lower key' lifestyle (ie they couldn't buy a really expensive house as other partner couldn't afford the mortgage, not going out or not in very posh restaurant for the same reason etc...).
It does also obviously means that both partners will also have equal involvement in HW, raising up the dcs, getting up during the night, taking them to the drs etc....
And I didn't see that in the OP at all. Actually I wouldn't be surprised that she had to go part time to allow time for looking after the dcs, issue with paying childcare etc...whilst her partner carried on with his full time job. but was still 'expected' to contribute to the same amount

Why does 'real partnership' involve giving money to someone? If anything, his relationship is less about money than the ones you seem to endorse because it's not a "We're partners now, give me some money to spend" thing. She has money, she buys normal things that everyone else buys, she's happy... he's not 'financially abusive' as some have put it because he doesn't without (her) money from her, he doesn't control her finances at all. They split the bills and each has money left over... he'll just buy expensive items every now and then, she has less expensive tastes.

I don't think that you only value someone by giving money to them. They treat each other very well and with respect.

I hope i've been clear that this woman is not broke.

doesn't withhold ^

It's not about 'giving away', it's about sharing! Just as you share the HW, the childcare etc...

You are reminding me of my 2 dcs who are arguing that 'I am not going to do X because my db did it/used it/should be doing it'. I seem to be spending a lot of time telling them it doesn't matter. We are a team, we work as a team and support each other. By doing this we ensure that we all get a share of what we need instead of just selfishly keeping things just for ourselves.
So it is OK for dc1 to help tidying up dc2 toys just as I don't only cook for myself but also for the dcs and DP etc...
And by all contributing in our own ways (because we all have our own strengths and weaknesses), we can all have a better life than if we were all staying in our little world.

It's NOT an issue with showing that you value someone btw.

Cog - I agree with you about your BF and his DP. They don't have DCs yet and so I can see that they are 'free' to split their money how they see fit. I didn't really share my salary with DH until our lives became more blurred.

What worries me is that when they have DCs he could decide that being a SAHM requires no training and therefore she still deserves less money than him, or something to that effect.
And it does seem odd to think so little of what your partner does that they deserve less money. As said, my job was highly skilled (6 years training) and though I do feel I should be paid a good wage, I still think that there is something a bit worrying about the whole idea of totally being individualistic about life.

And Lady - that is a really good example with your DCs.

Everything into a joint account from both of us and it is seen as joint money which belongs equally to both of us no matter who earnt it. We each then have the same amount of "pocket money" and the rest is for running the house, etc and joing savings. Money is something we have never argued over in 25 years.

"What worries me is that when they have DCs he could decide that being a SAHM requires no training and therefore she still deserves less money than him or something to that effect.
THIS THIS THIS
Its your DBs whole attitude Cog.
He certainly wouldnt be getting any children out of me with this attitude.
I would NOT have children with a man like this.
He is displaying a big warning sign. A big RED FLAG.

We have a joint account that both our salaries go into and then all our bills and savings come out of. We then just spend what we need when we need. For me that is the best way for our family, I could not imagine being in a marriage where finances are kept so separate. MY DH earns quite a bit more than me but is happy for us to have this arrangement, he does joke around that he earns 70% of the money and I spend 90%.

I guess its whatever works for your family but OP your situation doest not sound right.