Family finances - how do you sort out your equal share?

[minitinyminuteme]

Was just wondering really how other households divide wages etc.

Have partner who works full time and i work part time but am expected to do everything else - housework, shopping, washing etc. After we are paid we split things down the middle exactly. I am left with about £10 to last me the week whilst he gets left with about £150 sometimes more.

Have a dd 14 and another dd 3 and one on the way (4 months pregnant).

When they need things i am expected to pay out for them even though he earns so much more than i do. For example our toddler needed a bed as she was jumping out of her cot which was dangerous and i ended up buying bed, mattress and bedding. Not that i mind of course as it was essential.

Suppose just want a moan and some other opinions on the situation, nothing too horrible as new to this.

so you do all the housework, as you work less..but still pay 50% of everything? How can this be seen as fair?
Everything joint here - I earn significantly more than DH, but it's still all our money.

I'm in the same situation. We split bills and grocery shopping down the middle except DP pays for Sky, phone and internet.

We do the proportion split as I earn 75% of the household income. We've worked out an amount to cover bills and longer term expenses, I pay in 75% to the joint acc. Our wages go into our own accounts and gets transferred in, as we both prefer to able to sort out our other expenses separately. DH has higher commuting costs than me so I tend to pay for trips out to balance it out. I'm a bit concerned that he's left with less 'leftover' money than me so its probably time for us to review the figures again.
I think however you meet the houshold expenses (and I'd include a bed/mattress for your child in that) then it should be divided proportionately - the system you have currently is very unfair!

Joint account, everything direct-debited out of there including percentage to savings account.

I spend the rest on shoes

The crucial word in CogPsych's post is 'girlfriend'. Not partner, not wife. This is a temporary relationship between two people leading independent lives.

The OP is in a committed relationship, with children. Totally different. She and her 'partner' are co-dependent, though he wishes to skew this to be a rather parasitic relationship, in which he seems to be feeding off her good will and devotion to their children, not a partnership.

It's "our" money ever since we got together more than 10 years ago and I already had a child.

All earned money goes into a joint account all expenses come out of it, errr we are both careful with money so no allowance for each of us but if needs be we could do that.

I would not be happy if I were in the situation of CogPsych's brother's girlfriend (though I would say partner if they are cohabiting) either.

DH could in theory use the same argument for me, we don't have children together (though I have one from a previous relationship), he does higher skilled work than I do and is more ambitious and so is much better paid.

But he would never, ever, say that it means he deserves more spending money. In fact he recognises that because his work is of higher status, he gets a ton of perks in his work and it's relatively less stressful than work that I've done (including when I was unemployed but a single parent). He has enormous amount of respect for the things I do and doesn't measure it purely in monetary terms.

I feel very sad that the OP and other women have to tolerate their partners looking down on them .

lottiegb the situation explained in Cogpsychs post is how financial abuse starts. It has all the hallmarks of the beginning of a financially abusive relationship.
Ive seen posts on here from women (not unlike the OP) who say their partner keeps them short of money and then posters not unlike lottiegb will come on the thread and say things like "well there must have been warning signs" well cogpsychs post has warning signs and red flags all the way through it.

If you go to the MSE thread "is this miserly or just moneysaving" and click on it and then go to the post written by Dark Lady..... I wrote that post. it was about my experience with a financially abusive man. the post is nearer the end of the thread.

carer, hard to believe you let that catch get away

I earn substantially more than DH but we both work full time. All money goes into joint account and all the bills are paid out of that. We both get a direct debit into our personal accounts of our 'pocket money'. Everything else comes out of the joint account.
Our 'pocket money' is ours to do what we want with. I buy shoes, or a facial, lunch out with the girls etc. It does NOT go on kids' stuff.
We share household tasks according to preference!

tribpot hes my ex OM. Im in a sexless marriage and the only reason i put up with it so long was because the sex was great and i was in love with him for a long while. The affair lasted 4 and a half years.

Anyway back on topic. When i was working at the sex chatline office full time and DH was working part time at tesco, i paid all the rent and he paid the council tax (the rent was the bigger bill and i was earning more so it was right that i paid for the bigger thing) and the rest of the bills were split proportionately.
My ex OM once said to me that everything should be split down the middle no matter what. So i then said to him "what if i were to have a child" and he then said "oh then you would be a SAHM and i would provide for you. It sounded hollow and i didnt believe him. I suddenly had a flash forward of what my life would be like with him. i had visions of looking for kids shoes and then having to report back to him how much they were, and then him giving me the money but only down to the exact penny.
He had already shown the warning signs. A life having to account for every single penny to a controlling tightwad is no life at all.

If you are a team then you should get equal spending money, because you are both working (either at paid work or at home) for the good of the team and neither of you is worth more or deserves more.

Interesting, carernotasaint, I don't disagree with your analysis of CogPsych's post. What I inferred (perhaps extrapolating wildly) from the info given was that the brother knows this girlfriend is not 'the one', as he doesn't think she's good enough for him and he's biding his time until someone more impressive comes along. If she has enough self-respect she'll realise this and get out. Conducting a marriage on the basis described would be absurd - I guess you see the real possibility of that happening, I assume it won't (and hope she'll find someone who loves and values her).

Didn't expect that many replies. Clearly money is a touchy subject. Thankyou all - shows what we are doing is not fair.

Spoke to other half about it and his attitude was - well were both not happy so i may as well leave. Clearly having everything done for you is such hard work.

Fed up with driving ALL the time and being told im a shit driver, cleaning ALL the time and being told place is a crap hole, cooking etc - you get the picture.

Anyway in some ways think it may be for the best - whats the point in being with someone but doing everything by yourself, may as well be by myself.

Sorry moan over with - had a crap day and pregnant. :(

He sounds like a right catch - not!!!!!!

Sounds like going your seperate ways may do you a HUGE favour! Living with someone critical and who is happy to keep you short on money is horrendous, you deserve better. Take a look at the Freedom Programme ran by womans aid.

I'm sorry to hear this, minitinyminuteme. He sounds like a prize shit. Has he moved out?

Ah the old "I won't discuss it, I'll just threaten to leave" routine.

Ooh, difficult choices OP it's clearly a much bigger issue about whether he values you at all. He thinks you're having everything done for you? Does he employ a nanny and housekeeper so you can live a life of leisure?!

I tend to agree that if you're doing everything anyway, you may be better off doing it without being dragged down by ingratitude. Big decision though, think it through carefully.

mini, sounds like money is just a part of your problems. Most husbands and partners actually treat their wife with love and respect. They don't constantly criticize. My DH has never, ever told me that I'm shit at anything and says thank you for cooking every time, even if the food did not turn out that great. Well, he actually cooks most of the time. Does not sound like you feel appreciated in this relationship. Money issues aside, what does he do to make you happy? Does he make your life more pleasant in any way?

Gosh, he sounds charming! Is this just a threat that is supposed to keep you in your place?

What a prize arsehole. mini he is abusing you. Please do as Random suggested and take a look at the Freedom Programme. I say call his bluff. If the CSA get involved you will prob get more out of him financially than you are getting now and i bet he knows it. He also prob thinks he can control you easily as you are pregnant. Hes taking advantage of the fact that you are more vulnerable to him at the moment.

lottiegb i hope the young woman mentioned in Cogs post gets out of that relationship too. shes being used and in the very early stages of being financially abused.

Oh OP what an awful situation you are in :( He sounds an absolute dickhead though, so you be better off without him in the long run.

He sounds horrible. Definitely don't leave, but tell him you are considering taking legal advice if he doesn't value your marriage, and you'd hoped you could both discuss improving the marriage not that he just suggests divorce and says he is unhappy enough to want a divorce rather than look at making the marriage happier and more equal.