Family finances - how do you sort out your equal share?

[minitinyminuteme]

Was just wondering really how other households divide wages etc.

Have partner who works full time and i work part time but am expected to do everything else - housework, shopping, washing etc. After we are paid we split things down the middle exactly. I am left with about £10 to last me the week whilst he gets left with about £150 sometimes more.

Have a dd 14 and another dd 3 and one on the way (4 months pregnant).

When they need things i am expected to pay out for them even though he earns so much more than i do. For example our toddler needed a bed as she was jumping out of her cot which was dangerous and i ended up buying bed, mattress and bedding. Not that i mind of course as it was essential.

Suppose just want a moan and some other opinions on the situation, nothing too horrible as new to this.

We have one joint account and one joint savings account. Our salaries go into the joint account, we transfer some out to savings and spend the rest (bills & leisure all from one account).

DH earns slightly more than me, but there has never been any issue to us spending what we like when we like from the one account. It's our money, not mine and not his.

Just simple!

Joint account here with no separate spends as we don't have much left over. we both work full time except I'm just about to start mat leave. We earn roughly the same prior to this. Food and petrol comes out of joint account. I take responsibility of keeping an eye on things as DP is a bit rubbish at that. We have an agreement anything personal more than 50 pounds is discussed prior to purchase. I rarely buy anything but DP has expensive hobbies he occasionally buys for.

It's also a big issue that you do all the work of running the house and family.

OP you are definitely being used there.

We put everything into a joint account and spend everything from that.

If you don't want it to be done that way, then another way to do it could be that you split rent, bills etc in a ratio proportional to your income, so if he earns twice what you do he pays twice what you do, and you each get the same proportion of your salary to spend on yourselves at the end of the month.

Joint accounts here too, with all the money shoved into one pot. We pay all our bills from our main account and then I spend what I like with whats left over we split the remainder into savings and into a "fun" account for going out, clothes, etc. Sometimes the "fun" account has a lot in it, sometimes it doesn't (depending on what bills we've had), but both of us have completely equal access. But I spend more because keeping horses is expensive.

Anything "big" we discuss first and then it comes out of the main joint account.

DH also earns considerably more than me - if we split everything 50/50, I wouldn't have any disposable income and would probably be in debt.

Perhaps we are strange, but it's never even occured to me that it's 'his' money or 'my' money. Sometimes I've earned way more than him (and by that I mean many thousands more a year) and at the moment I'm a student so don't earn anything so it's all his salary. But we've always put our money in one account and just use that (plus savings and dull things like pensions). It would never occured for me to limit what he can have or vice versa.

We have DCs, they 'belong' to both of us so those expenses should be shared. And stuff like he eats more food but I get my hair highlighted eventually balances out. Swings and roundabouts.

Exactly the same as Clam in the first reply, here.
Once you are a family, then all money becomes family money in my book. You either both have spending money or neither of you has spending money. Having dcs together is the biggest commitment you can make IMO, so that has to include being fair and equitable with money, time, and everything else.

OP, I earn c. 5 times what my DH does (he is chronically ill but has a small income from a rental property). If I split our expenses down the middle he'd 'owe' me probably twice what he brings in every month. In my life it would never occur to me that it would be reasonable to split expenses this way - it shouldn't have to your DP either.

Even if your system was fair (which it isn't), why did you end up paying for all of the mattress yourself? By his rules that should have been split 50:50. I'm assuming he didn't offer and you didn't feel you could ask, due to the 'easy' life he is allowing you to lead.

Sharing things 50:50 is what flatmates do, not families with dependents.

I would do your monthly budget, see how expenses match up to income and then suggest a fairer scheme. Either a joint account into which you both pay a proportion of salary to cover joint expenses, or he takes on the entirety of some and you the entirety of others - so him = rent + council tax + [x], you = electricity + [y], so the costs are balanced fairly.

OP you really need to sit down and talk to him about this because you are being financially abused.

I think he needs a reality check about how much maintenance he would paying if you split.
I agree with the posters who say the bills should be split in proportion to your income.
He sees you as a lesser being than him. He sees you as a domestic appliance with a vagina attached.

Here is a similar situation which i found equally shocking.
forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2690837&highlight=is+this+miserly+or+just+moneysaving

The responses to that MoneySaving forum op are even more shocking than the op itself! Threads like this depress me so much. I couldn't live like this. What does your dh say when you bring this up? What is his justification for allowing himself such a disproportionate personal allowance at the expense of his partner and children?

We regard our income and expenses as joint. I earn more than him. My income goes into the joint account that most bills go out of. His goes into his account (we never bothered changing to the joint account and it's handy to have a different account sometimes.) He pays his ex wife CSA stuff and his student son from this plus he tends to use this for most of his day to day costs, when he has spare money in it it gets transferred to the joint account. We both read all statements and tend to know what's going on financially, plus agree large purchases so it's all really joint money. I wouldn't want a marriage with a "my" money, "your" money attitude. We have a similar approach to spending money though, if one of us was a spender and the other a saver we'd probably have to have some sort of personal allowance to stop the saver feeling hard done by.

I can't believe someone posted on the MSE thread 'he's the breadwinner, so what he says goes'.

Btw, OP, ask him what he thinks would be a fair split if you were earning more than him. Methinks he'd want it shared proportionately if he was the one losing out.

"i get between £150 and £160 wages a week so by the time i pay my £150 im left with £10. He pays his £150 and then whats left is his."

Does he not feel any respnsibility towards his children? Would he rather see them go without while he is lording it up? He sounds like a complete dickhead.

Like most other partnerships our income and expenses are joint. We have a joint current account from which all bills are paid and separate savings accounts. We don't give ourselves "pocket money", but if I see something DD or I want or need and it isn't silly money I just but it, so does OH. We don't feel we have to account every penny we spend to each other. Neither of us is silly with money anyway and we have always lived within our means.

Aargh! Responsibility

One of the first serious things me and DP did was get a joint account. Everything goes into & out of that account. I work around 10 hours less a week than him & earn a few hundred a month less. We pay all the bills, talk about what ds needs that month & then the rest is based on general trust. If he buys a game or film I trust him to have looked at how much we have left before he does it.

Everything's a partnership. I sort out washing and cooking, he does all the handyman stuff & has a big tidy up on his day off. For me it's all about that sharing the load and the trust. Sometimes I get a bit pissed off when he assumes that I'll take care of some job around the house but looking at your posts, OP, makes me . You should both be equals. With money and the domestic load.

My brother and his girlfriend don't pool their money, but then he's a super-ambitious hard working whilst she 'gets by' in a normal non-career job (call centre work i think). He pays if they go out for a meal and things, she's never totally broke, but overall he has much more money left over each month.

He says that he works harder than she does, and has spent more time becoming skilled than she does, so he deserves to have more spare cash. She's a lovely woman, but she really is not the sort of person to work extra hard to get the promotion or earn more.

They don't have kids and do an equal share of housework, so she's not got that holding her back. As such, i think it's a fairly ok way of doing things.

"He says that he works harder than she does and has spent more time becoming skilled than she does so he deserves to have more spare cash"

If he looks down on her so much then why is he still with her? oh wait..... sex and housekeeping duties.
I could NOT be with a man who looks down on me like that tbh. Call centre work can be bloody stressful. So she will be working just as hard.
I used to work in a sex chatline office which was quite well paid. If he wants her to earn more she could always tell him there is the option of doing this. He cant really object can he if her not earning enough is diminishing her in his eyes. And he already looks down on her anyway. This is how id deal with his attitude. And probably afterwards id be telling him to get his mysogynistic self out of my life.

DH and I work/pay as follows:

DH - police officer full time - all goes into Joint account for bills
Hot air balloon ground crew - goes into joint account
Gardening - goes into savings account
Me - work 27 hours a week at police job - goes into joint account
work 24 hours at a hotel doing nights - I keep 1/3 and 2/3s j/account
run cake business from home - I usually keep this, depending on how we are off for money

I end up with about £250 a month for clothes, hairdressing, presents, activities with DD, gym, coffees, magazines etc - but it only comes out of my casual work - I don't take out joint account money for my personal spending. DH takes what he wants when he wants, I generally spend more than he does. He would buy 1 pair of £150 sunglasses and I would buy 8 £20 ones

Dh & I both work f/t.

I pay: mortgage, one week's wages for nanny, a few smaller direct debits
He pays: three weeks' wages for nanny, utilities, supermarket shop each week

What's left is personal spends BUT when one of us gets paid the FIRST thing we say to the other is 'Are you OK for cash?' - & then transfer money if needed.

& we negotiate on 'extra' money - for example, I've just got a rather nice wodge for GCSE marking, & we've agreed to pay off credit card with part of it, a family day out, & a treat for each of us (Irregular Choice shoes for me, drum software for him - nothing massive, but a bit of an extravagance).

It's 'my' money, but it only exists because dh has taken on kids' bedtimes & the overwhelming majority of the housework whilst I locked myself away for 4 hours a night marking. So he gets a say in how it's spent. His annual bonus, same deal - I get a say.

There tends not to be a vast amount slooshing about once everything's paid, tbh, but neither of us would ever dream of taking 'spends' if it left the other short. If over several months there's a noticeable discrepancy between how much we each have to play with, it's time to adjust who pays what debit!

OP, it's really not on that he's got £150 to your £10. .

Even if you could manage on it, it's not doing good things to the power balance in your relationship.

He says that he works harder than she does and has spent more time becoming skilled than she does so he deserves to have more spare cash

Those might be valid arguments for why he gets paid more than she does, but this is a thoroughly lousy attitude in a partner. Usually (in my experience) based on one who thinks this kind of bullying will goad the other partner into becoming more ambitious / a higher earner, so the lifestyle can be maintained without all the contributions falling on one side of the fence. it's entitled bullshit, and doesn't pay mind to the fact that any of us could find a change in our earning circumstances at any time - illness, redundancy ... they don't just happen to other people.

Money is a contentious issue in lots of relationships. You are not alone.

What happens when you try to talk to him about it?

"My brother and his girlfriend don't pool their money, but then he's a super-ambitious hard working whilst she 'gets by' in a normal non-career job (call centre work i think). He pays if they go out for a meal and things, she's never totally broke, but overall he has much more money left over each month.

He says that he works harder than she does, and has spent more time becoming skilled than she does, so he deserves to have more spare cash. She's a lovely woman, but she really is not the sort of person to work extra hard to get the promotion or earn more.

They don't have kids and do an equal share of housework, so she's not got that holding her back. As such, i think it's a fairly ok way of doing things."

Wow! I find your tone incredibly patronising. I don't know why this girl stays with your brother given that both of you look down on her so much. I used to work in telesales in the days before call centres and it was very stressful. I imagine a call centre is even more stressful. Besides, not everyone is an ambitious career machine. Perhaps she has a life and wants to live it.

We've got a joint account too - everything goes into this account and everything goes out of it. We don't have my money and his money - we have OUR money - we are a family. I don't see how partners having different amounts of free money would work - would one live a different lifestyle than the other??

"We've got a joint account too - everything goes into this account and everything goes out of it. We don't have my money and his money - we have OUR money - we are a family. I don't see how partners having different amounts of free money would work - would one live a different lifestyle than the other??"

I agree. But you need to have a relationship of complete trust, which we do have. Also, neither of us is silly with money. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. I would find the "his money my money" far too complicated.

We do have separate savings accounts though.