How do you cope when it's all over?

[DifferentFutureAhead]

I asked h to leave tonight. After the most recent bout of domestic abuse on Wednesday, I came to my senses and surprisingly he's gone without a fight.

Despite it all I still love him. And now I'm all alone. And I have to somehow tell my 5yr that Daddy doesn't live with us any more. Thankfully my youngest is too little to understand.

I've gone from thinking about a 3rd baby, to being a single parent in a matter of days.

All our plans gone. I know it's for the best. The police and social services were against me letting him back last night and I came to the same conclusion this afternoon.

But what do I do now? My whole life changed, all our plans gone.

Sorry for the massive rant and all the typos. Its a bit of a ramble but I do feel better now getting it off my chest!

You can get a childminder from 3-7pm I reckon & tax credits will pay most the cost. I think you should refuse to let him in the house anymore. He is harassing you.

Panda, so sorry you going through this as well. Hope you are doing ok

skyebluesapphire, that's what it was like in our house. h watching his rubbish on the TV and the having the check because I was on mn laptop.

Now I can do what I want without even having to think about his moaning. I've hardly had the telly on in the evenings since he has gone,it's been bliss. No more reality TV drivel and I can listen to whatever music I choose!

I can't tell you how much help it is to know I can turn on the laptop and you are all hear telling me to stay strong, reassuring me and opening my eyes. Without all this help, I may not have come so far. Thank you

Can you change the locks? I would have done but I moved away.
If he comes around and does all this again, just call the police. Tell him you will get the injunction.

He has to find a place to go. Can he move back in with hisbparents?

Different, you're doing brilliantly! The way you dealt with him was awesome. Stay strong tomorrow and keep repeating until he finally gets the message that he's not welcome in your home or your life. x

I've decided to look for another job. I only worked these hours to fit around his, now he's not here I might be able to get a term time job, or one that finishes earlier then the one I'm doing now.

Then along with a childminder I wouldn't need to rely on him at all.

Good for you different. Honestly - you can sort it do that you do not need to be "indebted" to him. Obviously CSA for child support is your legal right & he can have the kids every other weekend or whatever is agreed but no "favours" to you. No keys to the house. No joint finances. Maybe get a free half hour with a family law society solicitor?

Well done for being so strong Different.

I have a friend who split with her DH last year and they had a joint IVA - it is possible to get this kind of thing severed although I don't know the details but National Debtline may be able to help on that front.

You may also find the Freedom Programme helpful - there are groups nationwide but you can do it as a home study course if it's tricky to attend in 'RL'.

Do you have someone that can help you out financially if your DH does become difficult re mortgage etc? Don't want to worry you but when my friend and her DH split it took 8-10 weeks for her child/working tax credits to be re-assessed and kick in so better to be prepared if you think there might be issues in that department.

Wishing you the best of luck for the future.

Feel drained. Can't be bothered with life today.

I have to wait a week to see citizens advice to talk about what I'm going to do with the house. Seems a lifetime away.

Nothing I can do but wait. Everything is so uncertain and I'm so worried about where me and the dc are going to live.

can't find anything about your housing situation, but you might be able to keep the home of your dc

rightsofwomen.org
0207 251 6577

keep phoning, they will answer eventually

Thanks for the number Julia They are shut today but will try tomorrow

It is hard to keep plodding on Diff, just try and do one thing each day, otherwise it feels so overwhelming you end up not doing anything!

Make a list of things that need sorting and cross one off each day (even if you have to add another one on!)

There are bound to be ups and downs, but the general trend will definitely be upwards, as you claw your way out of a miserable situation into one where you are in control. I keep thinking of that film '127 hours', where he gets stuck down a gap between the rocks and has to sit it out while he decides what to do. He tries all sorts to free himself, but then when he knows he has no other choice, he has to hack off his own arm and find his way out into the light.

This bit is the hacking off part - painful but necessary - the light is out there, we just have to keep climbing. x

You are doing so well! Going through it myself and can I join the Unlucky 13 club? Our 13th Anniversary should be in November, but hopefully I'll be divorced by then. x

Sorry to hear that Music [hugs] hope you are ok

Yes same here - 127 hours=127 days until daylight

First weekend without the children as he has found somewhere to stay and wants the dc overnight.

I'm missing them already and they haven't even gone yet. I'm going to be so bored!

First time my STBXH had DD for the day I went swimming and wandered round the shops in peace. Find something to do that is difficult to do with kids hanging off you and you will feel better

Different, the first time without my 3 I cried my eyes out. I was supposed to be going out for dinner with mates but had sickness bug, so spent the whole day puking and on the loo, and the evening feeling dreadful. Had an early night and wished the day away!

Since then its got better, they're off for their 4th or 5th night this week and also a day tomorrow, I do feel a bit like I've lost a limb when they're away as I've always done 99% of childcare, but I also went swimming last time (got chatting to a sexy bloke at the pool!) and am planning a night out at the pub this week, so its starting to look up. You will soon enjoy the freedom and be grateful for the little break so that you appreciate them all the more when they're home! xxx

This weekend has been awful. But next time I'm going to plan to do things that I can't do by myself. Not sure if I'm brave enough to try cinema though

I plan to use the time without DCs to get things sorted round the house too - today I did supermarket shop, but also bought some home-y bits from Dunelm Mill (my fave shop!), pinboard for my office, new curtain for DS's room etc and when they're not here I will work my round the house doing all the little jobs that I never got round to before!

In the summer hols if they spend a few days with their dad I might even surprise them with some nice new bedroom decor, so that its exciting to come home as well as to go away.

Make sure to let friends know when you'll be on your own as they will always be glad of an excuse to pop out to yours for a dvd if they have an H at home, or you can pop over to them if they don't.

Plus of course it gives you lots of MN time

I'd like to make coming home exiting as well DoingItForMyself. I meant to make some cakes for when they come home, but I seemed to have moped around in self pity, and nothing I planned to do has actually happened. I do have some new playmobil bath toys that I bought last week, so that will be a nice surprise.

I must try harder next time to do things.

I'm going to try and think of nice things for them to come home to for next time.

Ah, well obviously coming home to their mum is the best bit! But I think anything that shows that you were thinking of them while they were out is lovely. Even buying my DS his fave deodorant today, he's texted me to ask if I got it - normally I just buy whatever's cheap, but as he's with his dad today I've gone soft and got it for him - I know I'll get a big hug and a "best mum ever" for my troubles, that's worth £2!

I've had a crap self pitying sob on the sofa today, when I could have done so much else! Hangover not helping. Looking forward to spending an hour with DD later as I left her at my mums at 5pm last night and only saw her for half an hour this morning.

Don't be too hard on yourself. There is a lot of adjusting to do. My ex took baby for half a day last Saturday and I had planned to go to the gym but I felt so upset, lonely and stressed that I just went to bed and got some sleep. It helped.

And your children just want to see a happy relaxed mummy, welcome them home with a cuddle. Cakes are a lovely idea too, but why not make them together. They will just want time with you, doing everyday things.

Hoping things are feeling a tad easier.