How do you cope when it's all over?

[DifferentFutureAhead]

I asked h to leave tonight. After the most recent bout of domestic abuse on Wednesday, I came to my senses and surprisingly he's gone without a fight.

Despite it all I still love him. And now I'm all alone. And I have to somehow tell my 5yr that Daddy doesn't live with us any more. Thankfully my youngest is too little to understand.

I've gone from thinking about a 3rd baby, to being a single parent in a matter of days.

All our plans gone. I know it's for the best. The police and social services were against me letting him back last night and I came to the same conclusion this afternoon.

But what do I do now? My whole life changed, all our plans gone.

I understand how you feel but remember this is his doing. If he wasn't violent towards you he wouldn't have sent 13 years up in smoke. NOT YOU. It is not your fault & you have nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps it would be easier to tell your DCs without stbx? Is he likely to twist things? Is he manipulative as well as violent eg Mummy won't let me live here anymore? If there's any chance of that I would tell them yourself in the way you suggested.

Sorry missed the bit in yore thread that you'd told her!

Don't be worried about people finding out. You can choose who you tell how much to. Good friends i.e. ones who have sensitivity and compassion will take their cue from you.
One good tip I had when in the midst of an abusive relationship and kept feeling bad because I was never the fun friend to be with, was to "use" your friends (in the nicest possible way) for different things i.e. I had the one who dragged me out to the park with the DCs, the friend who I then discovered had been in a similar situation and we sort of helped each other and the one who blanked any discussion of the ex but was really good at boosting my self-esteem and reminding me of who I had been in my teens and 20s before it all kicked off.
And I had a couple of school gates friends who I'd go for coffee with, who knew very little but were good to keep in the realm of normal.
Finally, it does get better. At kids party recently I chatted to two dads and kept thinking wow these two are so normal and totally unlike my ex who would have probably refused to take DS to the party and complained if I'd said I'd take him instead so leading to a whole weekend of resentment boiling over into rage.

Struwel, me too. I got a bit choked up at a party at a theme park, when all the dads were putting their hands up in the air and shouting 'wheeee' as they went up on a ride and I thought, H would never have even come along to the party, let alone joined in, let alone gone on rides with other people's kids as well as his own!

Makes me realise that I'm not really missing out now, I was missing out all the time I was with him.

h would have gone to the party and on the rides. He was great 99% of the time.

That's why I can't believe we are where we are now

In that case its probably even harder for you Diff. You're going to have to try really hard to concentrate on the 1%, for your own sanity and well-being. They all have their good points, otherwise we'd have left ages ago wouldn't we. But being great even 99% of the time isn't enough if he is vile for 1% of it.

"I think my biggest worry is being lonely" ... "I dread others finding out"

Lonely is better than dead. As for other people. You're not the first and you won't be the last to be living in a sham of a marriage, happy-looking from the outside but crap as hell on the inside. You will be amazed once people find out how many come up to you and want to tell you their private tale of woe, knowing that you're a fellow sufferer. Some might be funny with you but ignore such people... they're usually idiots.

Hi, if it helps you to know, I am going through something similar. My DH announced today that he no longer loves me and hasn't for a long time. He has gone to his Mum's tonight. I know how much it hurts, I am sitting here with my gorgeous children (from a previous marriage) wondering how I got to this place!

oh lulu I am so sorry you going through this

It's truly awful

I miss him so much. He was my best friend. This is so hard.

You are completely right Doingitformyself, I have to remember the 1%.

Never confuse cessation of abuse with 'kindness'. There's a thing called the 'Stockholm Syndrome' named after an bank heist where hostages held for several days started to empathise and even feel affection for their captors. You might identify with this statement from the Wikipedia page on the subject.

"Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."

He wasn't like Cogito. He just has a bad temper he can't control occasionally.

Although he was very PA.

I don't know. My heads in a jumble

Lulu, so sorry, its an awful thing to have to hear isn't it. You feel like your life has been a lie, that even when you thought things were ok, they weren't. If posting on here has taught me one thing, its that none of this is unique - there are women going through the same and worse every single day and coming out the other end in a better and stronger place. There are independent single women and those who have gone on to have happy loving relationships. It will be ok for you too. x

Yes Lulu there are alot of us here feeling bad right now but I know we will all be ok.

I just ordered Paul McKenna "I can mend your broken heart with mind programming cd" I'll let you know if it works!! Plus I'm going to get my Lundy Bancroft book out from its hiding place & really read it properly to understand what happened here & how it wasn't ALL my fault. I'll let you know on that one too!

Spent the day with SIL and BIL which was lovely and the dc enjoyed being with their cousins.

Dh has no where to sleep tonight. He is here seeing the dc atm and wants to put them to bed. Not sure how I'm meant to send him out to sleep on the streets after through.

SIL and brother I meant!

He can go to a hotel can't he?!

"He just has a bad temper he can't control occasionally."

You can't defend the indefensible... Where he sleeps is not your problem.

Don't be sucked into feeling sorry for him. He should have thought of that before he was violent towards you!

The mortgage has just been paid so there isn't the money for a hotel atm.

Then he can find a friend or relative. Do not get sucked back in!!

He's a grown-up, isn't he? Not a child or a lost pet. An adult human being with brains and means. If he's such a great fun guy he no doubt has plenty of friends who'd love to put him up.

Don't go falling for the puppy-dog eyes, now. This man is DANGEROUS, remember? If you can't worry about yourself, and you don't believe he'd hurt the DCs, at least think how horrible it will be for him when he's banged up for murder. He'll tell you he never meant to hurt you - he'll tell you he won't do it again - but he will, you know he will. This is when you have to be really strong.

"He just has a bad temper he can't control occasionally."

Um not a problem then. When will it become a problem, when he beats the crap out of you in front of your children? When he totally loses it and puts you in hospital, when he kills you???

Sorry I know it sounds harsh but please please think what is best for you and your children.

Don't get soft on him, he is a grown man who can find a place to stay. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I am also going through a break up with a (mainly emotionally abusive) man but he has hit me in the arm whilst I was holding our baby and I think that was it for me. I tried to keep the relationship together but I cant forgive or forget. It keeps coming back to haunt me cos I just keep thinking what happens next time? What if he lashes out and hurts my baby or older son?

Also I don't want my children to ever witness abuse, it scars them for life. Much better to have a safe secure upbringing with mummy and daddy living apart. Be strong and keep posting, we will all help as much as possible.

My SIL is not helping me with the guilt. She asked me if he was roaming the streets and if he was then I was much stronger than her ie she couldn't do that to her husband.

Along with him texting me asking him to help him find somewhere to live, I feel like a complete and utter bitch.

On the other hand, he was in the house while I was out with the dc today (he had to collect work things) and as I was looking for a recipe in the history on the computer this evening, I have just discovered he has, today, signed me up to an online poker site, using my name, address and dob Around the same time he was doing that, he asked me for my card details so he could pay the mortgage online. So I'm guessing he just wanted the details to gamble away the mortgage money to mess me around. Luckily I didn't send details. I have phoned the bank and cancelled this card and ordered a new one with a new pin to be on the safe side. Makes me want him in the house even less tomorrow while I am at work, but I need him here to look after the dc. Do I have to hide all the paperwork?

He also went on a few websites such as 'local slags in your area - meet up now'.
He has a history of going on these websites whenever I've split up with him before and it looks like nothing has changed. Although going on them just 2 days after we've spilt might be a new record.

Is my view of him as a nice guy 99% of the time warped? Whenever he stands in front of me, I feel sorry for him and believe him when he makes excuses about his behaviour. When he's not here I feel like must be crazy for believing him.

Bearing this in mind, why am I sitting here feeling guilty?

Sorry love he's 99% twunt & 1% nice not the other way round! Password lock the computer, take all bills, papers, passports, bank stuff, everything with you tomorrow & entrust it to your closest friend or family member or store it at work in a locked drawer. DO NOT leave him alone with anything he could misuse.