How do you cope when it's all over?

[DifferentFutureAhead]

I asked h to leave tonight. After the most recent bout of domestic abuse on Wednesday, I came to my senses and surprisingly he's gone without a fight.

Despite it all I still love him. And now I'm all alone. And I have to somehow tell my 5yr that Daddy doesn't live with us any more. Thankfully my youngest is too little to understand.

I've gone from thinking about a 3rd baby, to being a single parent in a matter of days.

All our plans gone. I know it's for the best. The police and social services were against me letting him back last night and I came to the same conclusion this afternoon.

But what do I do now? My whole life changed, all our plans gone.

That won't go down well with him Solid. He'll say I'm trying to turn her against him, and then he might get difficult about other things.

You know your DC best of all, but how much detail will a five-year-old want? You need to say what is right for you and bearing in mind her age. A half white lie such as mummy and daddy had a big argument and he needs to go away for a bit at the moment, may be ok. Reassure and distract her lots. You must look after yourself and the DCs first off and worrying about him or his reaction comes very far down the list.
Disabling thing about abuse is that you get used to anticipating the worst, so you can get paralysed by imagining catastrophe. Try to sidestep stuff for a little while and wait til he makes first move re contact etc.
And don't try to minimise because sadly DCs will have picked up and will remember more than you think.

This will be hard for you, it will be. There will be tough times ahead. 13 years have NOT gone up in smoke. What you have given to your children is the gift of not allowing them to grow up in an abusive relationship, in the darkest hours don't forget that.
I am 2 months out of my 15 year abusive relationship and it's hard yes, BUT I don't have to tolerate him in my home anymore. I will get through and you will too.
Cry, get angry, allow yourself to feel all that you need to feel. Get a support network. You are not alone. x

Don't worry about what he says: his opinion is irrelevant. Abusers forfeit the privilege of having their feelings and opinions priotitized and it's fine to set them limits and enforce those limits.

You are doing the right thing for DD. if she's see you condone abuse she is more likely to condone it herself.

Breaking the cycle is a brave thing. You will meet new friends and have a new life. There is so much ahead of you. In the meantime take every day as it coms. Small steps at a time...

You love what he was, what you thought he was, what you wanted him to be, what you want him to be and what you think you can change him into.

You don't love that it isn't real.

I think you seem postive, you're cleaning at least more than i do :)

It'll get better, try a therapy session? x

I love the man he is when he isn't boiled up with rage.

And he is the man I love 99% of the time. It's just that the 1% is getting more and more dangerous, and seems to have no regard if the children are in the room any more either

Every time I take him back and every time I fall for the 'I've changed routine'.

But this time he crossed a line and I really believed, in that moment, he was going to kill me. There can't be any going back.

I don't want to go to bed because when I wake up, it's going to be the start of a very long day, the start of forever, without him.

Telling myself I did the right thing, isn't helping atm.

Hope you slept different
It seems so bleak to start but it improves.
I am going to tell you why I left, he turned on me with a knife and I stayed. He shoved dd downstairs and threatened her. I left.
I feared for our lives. Womans aid were so helpful. We were in a hostel for 3 months. Found a job etc got a house.

I rang the police lots. They always said leave him and I refused. When I phoned to tell them I had left him they cheered. I feel happier now, like the strings have been cut.

It's bleak to Start but will get better. Pm me if you want to ask anything at all.

You get used to being on your own, and you start enjoying it. It is not all about being lonely at night (because he isn't there, actually that can be a bit of a relief) and it is not the start of forever without him - it the start of a good, happy life where you put yourself first! With no abuse!!! (That is worth 1000+ evenings on your own!)

Go out today even if it is just into town to a cafe or park, meet people (friends, family?), plan a nice day with your child - make pizza together? It really does get easier, once you get used to it. The sheer relief each evening not putting up with all the crap is amazing.

I was recommended to tell my young children - 'mummy and daddy don't love each other any more and can't live together, but mummy loves you very much and daddy loves you very much and that will never change because you are our daughter/son and we can never stop loving you!'. (well I added the last 2 bits of the sentence in an improvisation). Just a suggestion.

My kids (5 and 3) have accepted it quite quickly. I think the calm in the house is making home life so much happier for them too. The only thing they miss is regular, proper contact with their dad, but that is another story (and his choice). One thing that made it 'easier' was a slow transition (e.g. if you are planning on doing anything like moving) and introducing them to regular(ish) contact with other adults (e.g. grandparents, cousins, aunts, playdates, adult friends etc).

You absolutely can cope without him. I asked my stbxh to leave after an attack in the night. I became a single parent to four young dc.

A year on and I am about to start divorce proceedings. I also have a lovely man that treats me with love and respect.

At the start of the separation it was horrible. The kids were upset, there was so much to sort out financially and dealing with family and friends wanting to know why. I just took it one day at a time.

A year in and I am a much different person than I was. Confident because I have managed to raise the kids and pay the bills without relying on anyone else. Happy because I am not living in an oppressive marriage where I was too scared to ever disagree incase I was screamed at, walls punched and laptops smashed.

I know it's the end of 13 years just now, but it's also a beginning. You can do whatever you want to do with the rest of your life.

I did sleep thanks elephants, I think because I was so drained and exhausted.

Woke up and for a second forgot everything is different now. Dd1 wanted to know why Daddy isn't here, so the sooner we tell her the better. I like the way you told your dc daffy, I think we'll use that.

I don't feel as if I can so anything with the rest of my life. I still feel trapped by him. There's so much to sort out. He normally has the dc in the afternoons while I work, he says he still will but that means having him in the house while I'm not here which would just feel strange now. Asking friends to have them for 4 hours every day is too much and the only family I have is a brother and sil who both work FT.

There's just so much to sort out.

He is now backing out of telling dd1, saying it will break her heart. I guess I'm going to have to do it by myself.

'it will break her heart' - that sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Don't pay any heed.

Tell her yourself. She may cry and be upset but she will be okay. Kids adjust, they really do. be strong, you are doing great.

He's good at emotional blackmail.

I've told her. At least that parts over with.

Well done telling her. In fact, I think doing that is the first step on the road to accepting 100% control for your own life. Him backing out like that was a cowardly thing to do. Easy to be a 'great Dad' when everything's rosy. Quite a different thing when there are tough conversations to be had. Which is another thing you can take pride in. You had the courage to say 'enough' and you are also the better parent for taking responsibility for the aftermath. He, on the other hand, has shown he can't be relied upon for anything.

My tip would be 'keep busy'. Nasty husbands are like any other bad habit, ie. difficult to get rid of even though you know they're not good for you. You'll have more bad days than good days to start with but if you keep yourself occupied and fill your diary with as many things as you can manage, you'll quickly find you have more good days than bad days. At that point you'll look back and wonder why you ever had any doubts. Good luck

It gets easier. Honestly it does.

I split with my ex in May and still miss him even though logically I know I have done the right thing. He was emotionally abusive and in the occasion I left him was violent for the first time. The police were involved and also social services, both advised me not to take him back.

Even though I know I have done the right thing it is still hard, I think to myself that we can fix things etc but I imagine bringing my children up in that situation and I know I have to put them first. They are so much happier and it's a joy to see. It's nice bit to be walking on egg shells, not having to explain myself constantly. I found out this morning that I am pregnant with dc4 which has been an almighty shock but at least I won't have to go through this pregnancy in fear.

Good luck and well done for being so brave x

Congratulations MammyToMany!!

H has taken the girls to the park. He was in a mood. I think he's realised that I mean it this time because I've told dd1.

I just carried on cleaning while he was here. When he left I found myself worrying about his mood, then realised that's nothing to do with me any more - which was a nice feeling!

So sorry you're going through this. You say you love him I think its more that you don't know who you are without him - "He's all I've ever known. My whole adult life has been with him. I don't know how to live without him."

I can promise you that once you are out of his shadow and you find the strength to love yourself, you will wonder why you put up with him for so long.

I have just left my marriage after 13 years, my stbxh was 'only' emotionally abusive, nothing physical, but I put up with the name calling and the insults and the checking up on me and making me feel stupid because I thought I loved him and I thought it was best for the DCs. After just a couple of weeks I feel differently about myself, I feel alive and strong and capable - of course there are still scary bits, days when I cry as this isn't what I wanted, but I know that I am a better person without him.

You will get through it and you will be so proud of yourself for making a happy life for yourself and your DCs. Good luck - this is the start of the rest of your life! x

And congrats Mammy! x

Exactly Different - gradually you'll start to see how much of your life you viewed through his eyes - now you don't have to care what he thinks, you're allowed your own opinion! Its refreshing isn't it.

I think my biggest worry is being lonely. Everyone I know is tied up with their family life, and rightly so.

I can see how, in time, the money and the practicalities will sort themselves out, it's the loneliness I can't get my head around.

I know its so hard, but do you know what, I was at my most lonely when I was with H! There are plenty of 'happily marrieds' who actually don't spend a lot of time together (my H worked shifts, most of my friends' Hs go out on their own doing sports/clubs at the weekends) so there will always be people around who would be happy to spend time with you.

Even people I don't know that well from school have texted me when they heard about the split, to say that if I ever need help with the DCs or a shoulder to cry on, cuppa etc they're there for me.

People do care and feel genuinely sorry for someone in our situation (I think it makes them realise how lucky they are!) Being free of him, making your own way, building your confidence etc will open you up to more opportunities to make new friends and build relationships with people who want the best for you, who wouldn't dream of hurting you.

And when you read these threads it always amazes me how many people go on to have really lovely happy relationships with someone else, so you don't need to feel that you'll always be on your own ... can't wait for that part!

I dread others finding out

I have also just split from my H of 13 years. He left me, so I am the one who is hurting, and the only way to cope is to tell yourself you have to, because there is no easy way. You will have mainly bad days, but the odd good day, so hang on to the feeling you have on the good days. Yesterday I cried for 7 hours, but today I have not cried once. That's just how it is. Eventually you will have more good days than bad, until finally the bad will be few and far between and you will realise your life is better off this way.

Good luck, and don't underestimate the power of good friends. If you can meet someone for coffee, just to chat, it will help. There is no need to keep everything secret, people will help if they know you are hurting. If you don't tell them they can't.

13 years seems to be the unlucky number here!

Don't dread it Diff, it will really help you, you'll be amazed at how supportive and caring people will be.

I think you need people to know in order to make it 'real' too - otherwise its just an argument that's got out of hand. Its a bit like telling your DD - once you had done that you knew there was no going back, that's why he didn't want you to do it. You've taken control and made it real.

Hiding, I'm not sure that 'who left whom' makes too much difference to be honest. It was me that initiated our split, but only because of the pain and loneliness I'd endured for years, so I'm really hurting too, whereas he seems not to have a care in the world.

Agree that even a coffee with a friend is a real boost, especially if they're a good listener, but even talking about other stuff and taking your mind off all this for half an hour helps.

And you've always got us here! x