How do you cope when it's all over?

[DifferentFutureAhead]

I asked h to leave tonight. After the most recent bout of domestic abuse on Wednesday, I came to my senses and surprisingly he's gone without a fight.

Despite it all I still love him. And now I'm all alone. And I have to somehow tell my 5yr that Daddy doesn't live with us any more. Thankfully my youngest is too little to understand.

I've gone from thinking about a 3rd baby, to being a single parent in a matter of days.

All our plans gone. I know it's for the best. The police and social services were against me letting him back last night and I came to the same conclusion this afternoon.

But what do I do now? My whole life changed, all our plans gone.

Take bank details,passport and all items he could misuse with you. Keep them in a locked drawer at work. Put a password on pc/change password on pc if he knows current one.

It's his fault that he will be outside - I know it seems harsh but of he was not abusive he would not be there!

You will get thorugh it op.

I really hope you haven't let him stay out of guilt, Different. You don't owe him anything, especially knowing what you do about his behaviour re: money today.

The man is a total liability with no regard for your welfare. Please be strong.

What your SIL says she would do for her H bears no relevance, as she is not married to this man, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. The fact that the police and SS both advised you not to let him back should be warning enough.

Everyone who has answered you on this thread has said that you should not allow him back into your life. You have seen what he does when you give him an inch. Please cut him loose and let him get on with it, don't give him another opportunity to hurt you, emotionally or physically.

I gave him the car key and he slept in the car. It wasn't a nice feeling knowing he was just outside and has keys so can come in as he pleases. It seems he did stay in the car though. I'll have to ask him for his keys later - that will be a pleasant conversation

I've phoned tax credits and social services. Can't think who else I need to let know he isn't living here any more.

I also need to work out what to do about the house. I might start a new thread about that. Due to drop in the house prices and buying at the wrong time, I don't think we have much equity so after the sellers fee's we wouldn't be left with anything I doubt.

I hate the fact I am still so reliant on him. I need for him money to help pay the mortgage and for childcare while I ma work. So effectively he can make me lose my house and job if he wants. I need to get into a position where I can manage without him. I think that means selling and then renting. But I don't think we could sell for enough, and then I need a deposit and we have no savings (thanks to him) and he has a lot of debt in his name but we are both currently named on the debt management plan.

I have no idea where to go from here.

On a positive note, I told dd1's teacher today and she was really supportive. She told me I have the done the only thing I could. That was reassuring.

Fantastic, well done!

WRT to childcare - the tax credits will help with that, although you can only get housing benefit if you're in rented and then you have to find somewhere that takes HB tenants, so don't leap into anything yet. Perhaps you should post specifically about the house & money thing to get some help from the legal bods?

I'm worried he is going to want to move back in. I don't know if I can stop him.

I'm thinking about phoning work and explaning that a need a weeks annual leave but I can't talk about it without crying, I don't want to come across as weak. and I work in a very male dominated enviroment. And dh also works for the same company in the same building, so I don't want to put him in a difficult position. How much do I explain?

My company is going through a period of readjustement and they are not happy about chnaging leave anyway so I'm not even sure it's worth it. I just can't imagine going into work later and being able to concentrate.

I feel like this is all surreal, like I'm a dream and this is happening to someone else and it isn't my life that's falling apart.

Excuse typos, blame the tears!

Go to see your GP & get signed off for a couple of weeks honey do you can get some space to sort things out. Tax credits will give you most of childcare costs & you'll be surprised how much your income will increase with that & the 25% council tax single person reduction (phone them too). With his maintenance (phone CSA if he won't cooperate - it's 20% for 2 kids) plus your benefits I bet you'll be able to pay the mortgage, especially if you extend the term for a while.

I wouldn't know what to say to the gp

No appointments at gp today's. Tried explaining to receptionist reason why I needed to doctor today, ended up crying and putting the phone down, saying it didn't matter.

I'm useless.

You can sign yourself off for up to 5 days if I recall. You only need GP note after that. Just call work and tell them you need compassionate leave as you're having some family problems. If they push you then you can mention your marriage breakdown, if H can manage to go into work with his head held high, fair enough, but that doesn't mean you have to, as you have these pesky things called emotions which tend to get in the way.

If you can't even speak to the GP receptionist you're in no state to work love. x

Go off sick from work, phone GP tomorrow when you feel up to it to make an appointment later in the week for next week's sick note. See a female GP you get on well with & you'll feel more able to say that your marriage has broken up & you're too distressed to go to work. It's totally understandable. Sod work right now.

I told work and have a week's annual leave. Which is a massive relief. I am more together than earlier.

Although picking dd1 up from nursery with bloodshot eyes and looking like a state was a low point.

Doctors are still phoning later though so they are now going to think I was wasting their time as I don't need to be signed off for a week now.

Thank you so much for your replies, and helping through this morning. I thought I was doing ok till I had to phone people and tell them he was no longer living here and then it all seemed to pile ontop of me.

He's been to the council to get a place and now wants his name off the mortgage - which I'm assuming also means he doesn't want to help pay the mortgage long term. He said he has to find somewhere to live, didn't mention his children having somewhere to live.

Brilliant, thats a huge weight lifted I'm sure. You can still get a note from them if you need longer though.

It does hit you in waves, one day you'll be feeling fine and then it hits you out of nowhere and the grief comes rushing in. Small steps every day. x

If his DCs are still living there I'm sure he'll still have to contribute something to the mortgage or their living costs in general, but someone else will be able to advise you better on that one.

Just do one day at a time, one hour at a time.
best wishes

or

When my H first went 3 months ago I spent every evening on facebook chatting to friends as I felt so lonely. I couldnt even relax and watch tv or read a book. But now, 3 months on, I enjoy watching a tv programme. I can relax now, which I couldnt do when he first went.

A mum at school asked me today how I was getting on. I said Im ok thanks, Im getting there, its just odd adjusting to being on my own. and she said better to be lonely on your own, than lonely with company. I know exactly what she means as we used to spend night after night not talking in the same house in different rooms on different computers. At least now I know I am on my own, there is no expectation of will we talk or will he just be on facebook and itunes all night.....

It does get easier. Get yourself some financial and legal advice so you know where you stand with everything and make sure that you cancel all joint cards etc.

"better to be lonely on your own, than lonely with company" - spot on.

"better to be lonely on your own, than lonely with company"

Thats a really good thought to hold onto. I broke up with my man on saturday and I too know exactly what that feels like.

Have you posted anywhere else about it yet Panda?

Still get an appt for later in the week in case you need it.

Please make an appointment to see the GP this week. You need to get signed off work so that you can take much needed time for yourself. It's not right that you are using annual leave, when you should be signed off. If you feel that you can't express your feelings, then write it all down - just like you have for us - and hand it to the GP. I am sure they will sign you off for as long as you need.

Take each day as it comes, and don't worry about the future. When my marriage ended after 22 years I felt like I'd been thrown under a train, the shock and trauma was appalling. Yet 16 months on, I'm ok, the kids are ok,... in fact, things are good. Lean on us as much as you can. I will never forget the support I got off MN when I needed it most, so please keep posting.

Take the first step even if you can't see the staircase.

I feel proud of you as that is what you have done, already!

Keep climbing and hold on tight to this thought, you'll get there where you want to be as you deserve to be there.

What's amazing here is that you have come so far already. So far.

I'm sorry it has come to this but you have done the right thing, and acting as you have done makes it harder for you to just let him back in, which is a good thing.

The later post about the Internet thing should tell you you've done the right thing too, he is a classic abuser.

You'll get through this, you already are doing.

If and when you take backward steps during your journey to freedom, we're here waiting to care.

He's managed to get me all wound up again. He makes me so frustrated. I really feel like getting the injunction but I think that will possibly send him over the edge. He's in mess.

When he speaks now, I can so clearly see the emotional blackmail. It's like having my eyes opened. How did I not hear it before?

He comes in to see the dc and then doesn't want to leave because he says he has no where to go. He could go and stay at a friends but he's says they are not close friends so he won't. Instead he's choosing to sleep in the car which I'm not happy about.

Today he came round straight after work, getting all angry at me in the kitchen. he said he wasn't getting angry but he clearly was. I picked up the phone and said I'm not tolerating it, I will call the police so can he leave and calm down. He went to the council to try and find somewhere to live, but only because I kept on at him to do so.

Then tonight he's back, saying he hasn't hardly seen the dc so he wants to put them to bed. I was trying to clear up and mop the floor and he's hanging around like a bad smell. He says 'I just feel we need to talk' and then goes on about money, how sensitive dd1 is, how hard she must taking it, starts bringing up the incident on Wednesday, how ashamed he is of himself etc. and then he starts crying. I just wanted him to leave.

I told him tonight, I don't want his money. He can choose to give me how ever much or little he wants, I'll cope. Then he starts getting annoyed because I won't get involved with money arguments, I'm just not interested, I know he's only talking about the bills to try and make me dependant on him. I don't want to be dependant on him, not for childcare, not for money and not for anything. Being dependant on him puts him in control and that's why he gets annoyed, because I won't give him any power over me any more.

I must have asked at least 20 times to leave. And then when he finally goes I go to check on the dc and dd1 says the arguing kept me awake. This is why I wanted him gone, so the dc didn't have to witness or listen to this any more. And it's still happening. And I'm left al wound up.

Tomorrow, more of the same shit no doubt. I wish we had some money so he could find somewhere to live. I told him to take his wages on Friday and find somewhere, but he says he has to pay his debts on Friday. Which he does, one of them is a CCJ.

And next week, he says I can go back to work and he can have the kids in this house. I don't want that but where am I going to find childcare between the hours of 3-7pm?

I am never going to be rid of him at this rate.