Do women really believe that the wife is a psychotic bitch who doesn't understand him, the marriage is dead anyway and he's going to end it soon?

[duchesse]

And just how young naive would you have to be to believe that crap? I mean, men that have affairs have them with other women. Really for the sake of the sisterhood no-one ought to have any kind of dalliance with someone whose life is not crystal-clear and sorted but apparently many do, judging by the number of women on here who discover their husband/partner is shagging someone else.

So are they just not all that bright, these other women, do they harbour secret misogyny or do they just not care? Or do they so desperately want to believe what the bloke tells them and does it in fact stem from loneliness and sadness?

Someone feeling like a child at forty, blaming a marriage and lieing, cheating, ducking someone not their spouce, breaking trust, sterling time, energy and money from their family is the problem, not the marriage.

Blooming auto correct on my phone, fucking, steeling.

Isn't there something of the rescuer fantasy about it as well? We are taught that true love will conquer all (including existing marriages) and that a man can be transformed/completed by the love of the right woman.

There you are, probably quite naive about the selfish fuckwittage that people are capable of, and you believe that this unhappy man, 'trapped' in his marriage, can be saved by you. If you are patient, and wait for the right time, you can rescue him from his loveless relationship and heal him with the redemptive power of your love.

You may not think the wife is a psychotic bitch, but as someone who simply 'doesn't get' this amazing, hurt human being you see in front of you. You alone appreciate all that he is and can be ...

Etc.

It's quite an easy fantasy to build up along with the adrenaline rush of the secret relationship and the drama of the star-crossed lovers.

This is pure speculation on my part, btw, I have never had an affair. But I imagine that's the kind of crap you would use to reconcile yourself to it not being an appalling act of selfishness.

Men will always have affairs, women will always have affairs, all for a variety of different reasons, some may work out, some may not. People will always get hurt in matters of the heart, and all of these people having affairs are different some are good, kind, caring people, some are selfish, hard faced people.
It's just part of life always has been always will be.

This walk a mile in the shoes argument really doesn't hold up. There are many mean reasons why people hit their children but don't judge them until you've walked a mile in their shoes. There are many reasons why people mug and steal but don't judge them... I'm sure you get the point.

I am judging behaviour not people. I don't go along with all mistresses have low self esteem, all cheating men are bastards, all wives are good etc. But I do say that some behaviour is wrong. You can feel sorry for a married man who is unhappy but it is not the business of a single woman to help him deal
with that.

Affairs may or not be a sign of a problem in a marriage. But I am 100% sure that they always cause problems in a marriage.

It's most certainly not about being a Stepford Wife and it's not about having sex when you don't feel like it. It's about finding someone who shares your dreams who laughs with you loves you as much as you love them. Sex is a wonderful thing, where both people make the effort because they both want to, it's not a duty it's a chance to show someone how much you love them, I believe that's the point that Dirtymistress is trying to make, and whether you're married or not if you're ina joyous relationship you can't even spell cheat let alone go out and do it.

Some people find that joy in other ways and get bored, make little effort, are poor communicators, immature, need highs, compulsive, opportunistic, and many other things, they cheat, joyus love or not as there is something in them that feels the society rules and the person giving them joyus love don't mean as much as the cheats wants.

I'm not an OW by the way - I feel I'm being judged on here for something I haven't even done! But people who think the only problems in a marriage are housing problems, or issues with the children, or lack of money, are also being incredibly naive. I never said an affair was right, in fact I specifically stated it wasn't. But people on here paint it as a black and white "don't do it" and I've known people for whom it really wasn't that simple. I think some people on here have a lot to learn.

Some things are black and white though. Some things are easier if you follow rules. Yes, marriages go wrong. Or are wrong to start with. But the complexities and difficulties of a marriage are not helped by the complexities and difficullties of an affair.

Stonefield - what planet are you on where recommending people "have sex when they don't really feel like it" as part of a happy relationship which prevents cheating is "joyous"?!

Jeez...

Sex is not necessarily "joyous" a lot of the time it is hurtful. Sex in a joyous relationship is part of the intimacy which makes the relationship a joyous one. But I really don't believe that that means there will not be either desire for or actual sex outside the marriage. Not everybody feels sex is all that special for a start:

Musicposy - an affair is not a problem with the relationship. It is a problem with how an individual has chosen to conduct themselves in a relationship I.e. by having an affair instead of having a relationship.

I also feel pretty irritated by the "some people have a lot to learn"....

I am not naturally monogamous, I want to have sexual relationships with a number of people (for a myriad of complicated reasons). I have been married for over three years and together for more than 4. I have not cheated and would not because I have knowingly made a commitment to be monogamous because of the circumstances of my life and because I love my wonderful husband so much that I am more than willing to be monogamous for him. It also had advantages. If I found that I wanted to be free to sleep about I would end my marriage or talk to dh not have affairs.

Affairs do not just happen, people choose to cheat and more importantly to lie to the people they are committed to. Anyone that says "oh I just couldn't help it" is frankly an idiot and just trying to justify unacceptable behaviour. There is a lot of complicated hiding and choices in an affair/

Some people are giving their partners plenty of sex up until the day the cheater says they has been also doing it with someone else and walks out.

I agree that its always happened and always will.

Re problems within the marriage=affair, I think there are lots of relationship situations out there where the two parties are on significantly different pages and yet plunge into marriage/kids regardless, that has the potential to lead to marital problems which in many cases one partner will use as justification to have an affair.

If your spouse has an affair IMO there is a problem within your marriage, I don't mean the problem is your doing, but there is something not balanced if your spouse can have an affair.

My EXDP cheated, when caught despite all the 'she's awful' guff he fed the OW about me, he was begging me not to leave him. I left him anyway.

Best thing I ever did as our relationship despite its longevity was not good looking back on it.

Had I had a crystal ball many years ago I would have seen that he wasn't right for me or equipped to handle a serious relationship, I suppose in my naivety I pushed it forward regardless.

I think some relationships are doomed from the off and affairs can be part of the ongoing script as sometimes people see them as an escape.

I struggle to see how anyone in a 'good' marriage/relationship can have an affair, there must be something wrong or it wouldn't happen!

I think some people (mainly women) are offended at this suggestion as they take the 'something wrong' part to mean something wrong about them or in their behavior. I don't see it like that, I think its the issue of the person having the affair not their innocent spouse.

My EX is still with his OW, he is also still a philanderer! The common denominator is him its his problem/issue.

I don't think that is what Stonefield said. They said that in a happy relationship people WANT to have sex with each other and it is a happy thing. Sex in a happy relationship should not be hurtful. It should be an expression of love. No one should feel they 'have' to do it

Not that I am saying that the absence of sex makes cheating ok!

H's ow was a slightly older, lonely woman who latched on to the way he made her feel and couldn't give a fuck that he was unavailsble. I think she had a bit of 'I deserve this happibess' nonsense about her. She wanted to believe we were 'separated but living together' so she did.

But melbie did you read the comments dirtymistress made that Stonefield was agreeing with?

Amber leaf - only if you count being in a relationship with a philanderer as a problem with the relationship!

Actually I was the wife! Three years after I got married, I physically caught my husband shagging another woman. I was heartbroken but I still stayed for another 7 years! I don't blame her. Our marriage was rotten to the core but I didn't want to believe it. It was easy to excuse his behaviour by pretending she was at fault. In retrospect, I know that he is a lost cause and that my 9 year marriage to him should have been over before it began.
I will stand by what I said earlier - happy people do not cheat.

It's such a falsehood though dirtymistress! Happy people do cheat. People have extremely different views and feelings about sex and relationships. Some unhappy people cheat, some happy people. Depends.

Thankyou Melbie, that is what I was trying to say.

How do you know that happy people don't cheat? You only have one experience of it when the marriage in unhappy

Offred, the philandering was the least of it tbh!

Other issues he had with himself had more of a bearing, the cheating was one symptom of a very insecure person.

Happy people do cheat. People have extremely different views and feelings about sex and relationships. Some unhappy people cheat, some happy people. Depends

The cheater may well be happy in themslves, the relationship is another matter, to be able to cheat even as a 'happy' person requires the ability to be detached from your spouse and to departmentalise, neither has a place in a true 'happy/good' relationship.

I know that different people view sex/relationships differently, some find it easy to have sex with multiple partners- those people do not make good marriage material unless of course they have a mutually open marriage but tbh that's rare.