Do women really believe that the wife is a psychotic bitch who doesn't understand him, the marriage is dead anyway and he's going to end it soon?

[duchesse]

And just how young naive would you have to be to believe that crap? I mean, men that have affairs have them with other women. Really for the sake of the sisterhood no-one ought to have any kind of dalliance with someone whose life is not crystal-clear and sorted but apparently many do, judging by the number of women on here who discover their husband/partner is shagging someone else.

So are they just not all that bright, these other women, do they harbour secret misogyny or do they just not care? Or do they so desperately want to believe what the bloke tells them and does it in fact stem from loneliness and sadness?

Waiting, that sounds like an ideal way of managing a difficult situation. Hats off to you.

I think they are very good at finding an OW who herself is vulnerable and she will believe what she wants to hear.

People who are in happy, loving relationships don't cheat, do any of you realise that? It's oh so easy to blame the slapper who sleeps with your husband isn't it? Because the alternative would mean taking a good long look at yourself and your marriage and having to consider the possibility that perhaps you weren't as blameless as you would like to believe. Jeez, life is not so cut and dried. Every single situation is different. Every marriage is different. Every affair is different. But don't be so flipping judgemental.
And it's a Grey's Anatomy reference, before you start throwing things at me.

I think they do believe it. Or want to believe it. And I think the man believes it too. Somebody has to be be blamed for the infidility and the damage they're wrecking. So the blame goes to the woman who's not there and can't speak.

Jive, perhaps he couldn't help the way he felt. But he could have shut up and left you alone. You wouldn't have spent that time with a married man with all the baggage that entails. Feelings are powerful but we don't have to act on all of them.

because sometimes its true

Actually dirtymistress plenty of people in good marriages cheat. If their marriage is not a good one, then leave. Its simple.

and yeah exactly what dirtymistress said.

this party line on mn about how ALL ow are evil and ALL married men who have affairs are following a certain script is sooooo tiresome....yawn

i'm sure many are

but i am willing to bet a whole lot more than MN would like to admit are not.

People in happy marriages most certainly DO cheat. t happened to a friend of mine. I believe it's called 'having your cake and eating it too.'

So sick of wife blaming when a lousy husband cheats.

I think people who enter an affair with someone who is attached on the basis of what their relationship is/isn't like with their partner are incredibly stupid yes.

Affairs happen for a number of reasons, I don't think they have anything to do with unhappiness in a relationship. If you are unhappy and want to be with other people you should leave the relationship honestly and not have an affair. Some people are not suited to monogamy but happy with their partner and some are unhappy but all are either too cowardly to talk about how they feel or too selfish to allow their partner full choice in the kind of relationship they have with them.

Its disgusting to justify cheating by blaming the wife. If the marriage is dead and she is awful. Then leave. Get it, leave the marriage. Why don't these cheating spouses leave? Because they are honourable? Yes its very honourable to shag someone else while you are still married.
Buy I do get why OW/OM try and justify their actions.

I WAS an OW to a few older men when I was in my mid teens. They all had happy relationships.

There are bad marriages and there are women who are difficult to be married to. The point is privacy and boundaries. Marriage is the business of the married people. By entering into an affair, you are trespassing. Your role changes what's going on and rarely for the better. You should leave alone what isn't yours. It's not the business of a single woman to listen to the trials and tribulations of an uhappily married man, particularly if you are both attracted to each other.

A wrong act doesn't become right because someone else is horrible.

If you love someone, you don't have sex with someone else. It is always a huge warning sign that something is wrong with the relationship you are currently in. Maybe you don't realise it at the time, but it is. And successful relationships work because both parties put lots of effort in to them. They have sex when they don't really feel like it, they watch things on tv that don't interest them, they compromise and do things just because it makes the other person happy, even if it bores them to to tears.

And women cheat too! And not always on poor, unsuspecting husbands.

Their are only two people who truly know what goes on inside a marriage, and two people who truly know what goes on inside an affair. EVERYBODY else has absolutely no idea.

and i would like to bet many, many men, are unhappy in their marriages but love their DC, would like to start again, but daren't leave because they know their wives will generally get to "keep" their DC.

and its not always a case of "blaming" the wives, i am sure a lot of the time the wife hasn't really done anything wrong, its just a case of incompatibilty

it makes me laugh. i left my ExH and took our baby and everyone congratulated me for being so brave, good luck to you misty, good for you, you deserve to be happy, etc etc. thats what usually happens when a woman gets her and her DC out of a bad relationship.

and yet when men leave their DW's they are generally painted as a monster who has "left their kids" FFS They Didn't Leave Their DC, They Left Their WIVES. and i am sure most decent men would want to take their DC with them when they leave but usually that is just not possible.

^^ and i don't mind admitting, all of the above applies to my DH.

Head meet desk

Re the unhappy marriage/cheating spouse myth - how come if the married man gets found out, they nearly always want to go back to their wife?

This must be the third OW thread in the space of a week or so on here.

The man can be very convincing. After all it's in his interest to get the OW in that hotel bed and keep her dangling so that she gets in that bed whenever he wants her to.

OTOH I think often the men believe what they're saying too. Perhaps it helps to assuage the guilt if he is convinced his wife is a 'frigid' -oh how I love that word - cold hearted psycho bitch who doesn't understand him.

And let's not forget that wives believe a lot of BS too in this situation.

Exactly dirty only 2 people know what's goes on in a marriage. That doesn't include the OM/OW. So why get involved?

Some of these posts blaming bad marriages are really very naive and sadly I suspect are borne out of individual experiences and long-term denial of the experiences of others.

The people who cling to these mantras about affairs not being possible in good marriages must exhaust themselves trying to prevent something that is out of their control.

Misty I think you're a bit out of touch here....if a man doesn't want to lose his children then he doesn't have to any longer, as shared parenting is becoming the default in divorce. Any OW who believes a man who tells her that he has to stay otherwise he will 'lose' his children is frankly a bit thick. It would be more believable these days if he told her that he didn't want to leave because he didn't fancy being solely responsible for his children for half of the week....... but then that would blow holes in the story of him being such a great Dad who couldn't bear to be parted from his children, wouldn't it?

"Re the unhappy marriage/cheating spouse myth"

LOL at "myth"

The way he speaks about his wife to his mistress, and about his mistress to his wife will be how he thinks about both, if ow was a vagina, wife is a vagina and so on.

Men in happy and unhappy mariages cheat and for different reasons.

If they have a cheaty mate they are more likely to cheat too.

Ow, have traits of daddy issues, selfishness, delusion and ego issues not necessary low self esteem.

I end friendships with cheats as if they lie and disrespect their partner they won't be respected by me.

me exDH only has his son one day a week

and pretty much everyone else i know who has split from dc dads, the dc dads only have them once or twice a week

have never met anyone who has joint custody

It's not just the mistress who believes the thread. Look at all the threads on here where the wife blames her weight gain or her PND for his cheating.