Why do so many couples have an anti social H?

[AnnaMosity]

Thinking of my circle of mates. Attractive dynamic women fun at social groups, who live with silent men who don't do parties or even chatting at kids activities.
One mare recently apologized for her h, and I thought it must be sad if you're socially mismatched.

Usual Mn disclaimers.

• yes it's not my business
• the Hs are often very nice one to one anything else that suggests I'm doing this maliciously. rolls eyes*

My DH is never bothered if we socialise or go out anywhere but when we do go he enjoys it and likes chatting to people. He rarely arranges anything with other people.

I think it has rubbed off on me a bit as I m not too fussed either. I think as the kids grow up and do their own thing I am not so desperate to go out and socialise.

I'm the anti social one in this house. I have two close friends who I see monthly sometimes more, we have a couple of coupley friends who we see but normally it's Dp who initiates this not me. I'm happy at home!

'was made to feel very uncomfortable.'

Absolutely. It isn't just passive shyness, it's about an uncomfortable atmosphere that people pick up on.

Do you mean unsociable?

Neither of us are unsociable.

DP can be anti social at parties, but only when he shits in the plantpots.

I've said too much.

If they believe they haven't suffered for it there is really no incentive for them to see things differently.

I hated going anywhere with exH because though he would look as if he was having a nice time though not the life and soul of the party he would be as cross as a bag of cats afterwards. I mean frothing at the mouth angry at tiny little things that brought him back to reality.

My dh just doesn't seem to want a social life anymore. He had a big group of friends when we met and used to be good at meeting up with them. As we got older and had children these friends drifted away (as they tend to do) but dh never made new friends. I enjoy the friends I have made since children but dh seems to see them just as my friends. He is work obsessed and the only people he sees are work colleagues, he doesn't socialise with them outside work though.

I wouldn't make age based generalisations, of the over 50s or any other particular age.

Presumably these confident, outgoing women chose these men because they wanted to both from initial attraction and deliberate longterm choice. They are (one hopes) finding the type of fulfilment they want from their marriage.

There is far more to the normal give and take in a long relationship than frequency of nights out or readiness to chat to strangers. As long as not rude if someone speaks to them (which if the case here presumably would have been noted and commented on already) then I don't see an issue. Life would be much duller if there were less variety.

Well, as it happens I am a million times more sociable than my dh. It is annoying to say the least but I love him so I deal with it in a number of ways. However, I do think this is one of those "I just don't get it how other people's relationships are not exactly like mine" threads. Surprisingly, people in the world are different, in an enormous variety of ways. Other people's relationships are complex and a bit of a mystery unless you know them really well.

My dh and I are exactly alike socially.

We are both very good at being funny/friendly/sociable in situations where we need to be like weddings and partlies but inside we feel exactly the same ie shy. We both find it an effort but pull if off well. In situations where we don't have to make an effort, we don't (eg we never feel the need or desire to 'make friends' on holiday, we would relish keeping ourselves to ourselves).

We have a lot of friends and family and the dc belong to sports clubs that require us both to be sociable so we love battening down the hatches and spending time the four of us slobbing about at home.

Dh and I also always find we end up listening to everyone else's life stories at weddings or parties. Always. People do so love talking about themselves! It's so common and astounds me - I would never talk about myself for more than a couple of minutes without batting it back to the other person and asking questions about them. It amazes me how self absorbed many people are. Does anyone else find this?

Proud you are asking the members of Mumsnet if they find other people very self-absorbed ? Have you seen AIBU ?

I agree though. I rarely talk about myself. Some of my friends call me a "mystery" and are convinced that still waters run deep. Erm no, I just don't feel the need to spill everything to everybody about my own private life.

I do think that sharing a weakness or similar cam make you more endearing as a mate

Being private is very English of course

That's interesting Anna

I don't see my illness as a weakness you see. It is part of me.

DH likes to go out, drink, chat shite to strangers. I do what needs to be done.

His way is fine for him, mine is fine for me. I respect his needs, he respects mine. We are very happy and well-suited.

Ironically, my house is always full of people (looks around, 5 teenagers (2 are mine), one God Daughter, DH and DBil) . I don't mind that at all. I love having family around me.

I don't see mine as a weakness either. It is just part of me. I don't think it has affected my friendships at all.

Oh no. !! I didn't mean the introvert ness as sharing a weakness at all. You know when you chit chat abd someone shares something self deprecating. You like em

Ah, I get it now

I do that a lot actually. In a "this is who I am" kind of way. I'm an assertive introvert, IYSWIM?

This is a really interesting discussion Anna, thanks for starting it.

Yes a bossy boots shy person with a dodgy immune system .

And MH issues that I manage to contain and manage.

Not. Not mentioning the introvert ism at all!! Sorry. An shite. Thought thread had moved onto socializing.
I think when you meet someone new who is all perfect it's nice when thy say for eg "ah well these shoes might look nice but they hurt like buggery"

Ignore me ! :)

I think most real people are like that thank the lord!

Or to admit you find something hard. At gym class today someone said that. Everyone keen to help.

yes proud i can relate to that. I try not to do it myself and ask the other person lots of questions but some people don't seem to do that.

i have known mums at the school gate who could be like this.

It is a way to break the ice too I think. It is very difficult to make a real connection with someone who seems perfect!

I have a very good friend whose DH is a totally ignorant arsehole frankly. The last time they came round, he sat there in silence, tapping away on his mobile phone, whilst myself and my DH made all the effort. He makes zero effort with the kids. You can call it shyness....or you can call it what it is..bloody rude!!!

Not sure how much longer I'm going to continue to see my friend if I'm honest....the fact he comes as part of the package is starting to become very unattractive!

It's not just men tho

My BF is married to a man who is so anti-social in that he has very few social skills and the ones he does have are inappropriate and crude and downright cringeworthy! He thinks he is gods gift to women, when in actual fact he is a fat smelly greasy pig of a man BF actually doesn't like him that much either and it's only a matter of time til they separate for good.

On the flip side though, my DHs best buddy is married to a selfish cow of a woman who also has no social skills unless she is the centre of all attention.

She is one of the most annoying women I've ever met in my whole life, DH thinks so too and finds it a real strain going out as a foursome, not just for himself but for me too - he knows when we go out that I get saddled with her and her woes and no matter what anyone has done etc, she has done it bigger better and faster!!

Just as an example, only last week we were talking about being tired and I said I was feeling a bit like i could fall asleep on a clothes line; understandable as we have a 7wk old DS!

But no, her neighbours kept her awake til late twice last week and without her full 7 hours or whatever then she's a complete wreck!

I couldn't pursue the conversation for fear of actually murdering her!!!!