Why do so many couples have an anti social H?

[AnnaMosity]

Thinking of my circle of mates. Attractive dynamic women fun at social groups, who live with silent men who don't do parties or even chatting at kids activities.
One mare recently apologized for her h, and I thought it must be sad if you're socially mismatched.

Usual Mn disclaimers.

• yes it's not my business
• the Hs are often very nice one to one anything else that suggests I'm doing this maliciously. rolls eyes*

I think I'm like Ana - I'm fine at dinner parties with about 8 people but where it's a big occasion - where you have to circulate in a room and socialise and make small talk I am useless. My husband is brilliant at this (astonishingly).

I can accurately state that divorcees miraculously become social again!!!! It must just be laziness

Ha!! Maybe they just don't like their wives. ;)

I'm watching a new mate deal with this. Her husband just sits in the corner at various functions whilst she is off being the life of the party. I feel so awkward I end up making boring small talk with him trying to liven him up. She just shrieks, leave him, he's fine.

Ok.
I think you may have misunderstood me. He comes out. He is lovely. I just know (because I know him) that he is doing it be use it was on the calendar rather than it is the highlight of his week.

I'm just saying maybe the partners you think are dull really just don't want to be there

Being opposite is fine, it's when one curtails the other to the point of "cutting them off" from others is where the big problem lies.

If you don't want to go then don't but if you want to keep the other in too, ummm not on.

Yes agree. You do see a lot of threads in here like that. Specially when the woman had got her mojo back after those early years

And there is also the hideous one where the lovely, funny, interesting female friend has the pompous, rude and arrogant partner.
That has happened twice.
Hellish.

"Thinking of my circle of mates. Attractive dynamic women fun at social groups, who live with silent men who don't do parties or even chatting at kids activities. "

That sounds like us. OH is very self sufficient and doesn't need other people. We do have friends, just not a wide circle. I have more friends than OH because I am more outgoing, but I am not as self sufficient as OH and actually like people. Sometimes I find it exasperating because he is so uninterested in other people, but I love him just the same.

Oh I bet you do. It would make me wantbto shout "hes really nice you know!"

Thankfully DH is v sociable and fun at parties and the like.
He is just useless at remembering names so the cab ride before hand I have to run through everyones bio.
"Oh yes thats Lucy and her husband Jim is the one who likes Man City and cycling and they have 8 children......"

Always good.

Oh this is me. I've been married twice and both my partners have had some similarities in that respect (although DH would at least like to be more sociable, XH was just a total misanthrope). I have to consider that I pick men who I feel won't outshine me socially, possibly? I know I had a more social boyfriend in my early 20s (actually i think the miserable bugger factor was there underneath and would have come out once he was living with a woman and getting his oats regularly, except that he's a serial player so continues to go out in order to get his end away) and I felt deeply insecure seeing him talking to women everyone at parties while i was struggling.

The social life in the area i live in is heavily female-organised and female-based - the men just don't seem to bother contacting each other. I feel much more comfortable socialising with other women, I always think men are bored by me. So with this local scene I feel very confident and would like to go out loads. It will be more of a struggle as the children get older and social events revert to being more mixed. Basically I like talking to women more than anything.

My dh is like this-to the point of rudeness and it makes me He would rather gouge his own eyes out than go to/host any kind of party.

I love my girls nights out but he goes out once or twice a year max.

I dont mind the fact that is he not as sociable. More that he takes no interest in my life and my friends. When I am talking about them he acts like he has never heard of them before. If we meet them when we are out together he ignores them or stomps off and leaves me standing there looking like a lemon. V

Oh that's rude. Is he a depressive ? Does anyone ever say to him you're bloody rude?
Lol at name Joan btw

I have suggested to him before that he is depressed but he is one of those people who pooh poohs mh issues and thinks you should just get on with it

I do say him to him that its rude and it embarasses me but he doesnt care.

I should say I also believe he is very shy but hides it with well with lots of false confidence-actually that also describes me but I make far more of an effort with people.

My DH is very shy with strangers and not good at all at small talk, I forget sometimes that I need to stick with him and help him talk to people, but in a group where he knows everyone, he's very confident.

However, he does make an effort, he knows this is his problem and will try. He's good at asking people questions and showing interest in them (even if he's not) in order to keep conversation going. He will always be polite with friends of mine, I wouldn't stand for it if he wasn't.

My dh is anti social, but Monday to Friday, in his job, he has to talk to people all day from 8am until past 8pm some days.

He gets home and pulls up the draw bridge. Just doesn't want to know...

Meanwhile I'm a SAHM, and am desperate to escape and be social come the weekend.

Once dh gets going - or we've invited people here - he's well away

I don't treat people as "new friends I haven't met yet". I am not really desperate for more friends, FWIW. But, I am sociable in situations that require it so at a party or in the playground when someone you know approaches you. DH is about the same. But I don't always chat to people say, at swimming. I watch the kids and read a book. If anyone starts chatting then I put the book down of course!

And it social gatherings it depends. I can always do the small talk, but with some people I have so little in common with them that I can't move it on beyond that.

I like the idea that because men talk I'm their job they can turn into sullen mutes all weekend !;)

Being open to meeting / making new friends doesn't = being desparate for more friends you know.

OP, you sound really biased against introverts!

• You describe your "mates" as "Attractive dynamic women" and "fun at social groups" whereas you only have negative things to say about people who don't enjoy these things

• "the Hs are often very nice one to one" - why wouldn't they be? Or do you think only extroverts are nice?

• One of your friends even felt she had to apologise to you for her quiet husband

• You think people who don't enjoy large groups/social events may be lazy "is it just laziness?"

• "But drinks in a home of say 8 people. Or a meal together?" Not everyone enjoys this - why should everyone enjoy the same things as you?

• "I like watching my h be fun and chatting and likable." Good for you. But people can be "likeable" if they're reserved too. It may be they prefer one-to-one friendships and that's perfectly valid.

• You refer to introverts as "hermits"

• You ask "do opposites attract that someone really introvert goes for an extrovert?" Why shouldn't they? Clearly this isn't an issue for some couples as they have indeed got together. Maybe they value each other just as they are, and have various other things in common.

• "If I had to drag an h out abd feel responsible for him socially when I knew he could be funny etc it would bloody wear me down" Why would you have to feel "responsible"? What's wrong with letting the other person just be themselves?

• "It would make me wantbto shout "hes really nice you know!"" As above - I'm shocked that people would consider someone to not be "nice" just because they weren't an extrovert. Unfortunately shyness is sometimes mistaken for stand-offishness, but this is a hurtful misjudgement.

Today's culture values extroverts and they often pride themselves on their own sociability - but it hasn't always been this way.

Christ !

Exactly...

.. You don't get out much do you?