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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I asked my bf to marry me and he said no.

85 replies

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 14:56

Oh, dear. I asked my bf to marry me in a drunken stupor the other night and he said no. (I's been thinking about it for ages now, and always thought it would come out in an overly cheesy way which i thought would be funny too. But it just built up and blurted out). I completely understand the reason's he has given, financial, age etc. but think my insecurities have surfaced greatly and am thinking as i always have done that he does not want me for the long run. It has been weird ever since i asked and we were about to move in together. Is it wrong of me to be wondering whether to go through with the move? We have spoken about marriage and kids in the past. I have always been against the institution of marriage, he on the other hand has argued for it. As time went on i've realised that i in fact do want it but only with him. I'd communicated that with him and we both said it was what we wanted. But even then i was wondering whether he was just saying it. I'm feeling like he has only said all those things about marriage because he has had the security of knowing that i've not wanted to get married and he never thought i would go through with it. I love this guy like no one before. He has made me question all of my core beliefs about love, marraige etc. Massively feeling rejected.

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shrimponastick · 20/06/2012 14:58
Sad

I don't know - as I don't know you or your boyfriend.

What I would sugges though is that you sit down and have a proper talk about your future together. (sober this time ;) ).

good luck!

CailinDana · 20/06/2012 14:59

Did he give any indication of whether he would be happy to get married in future?

Lovetats · 20/06/2012 14:59

Maybe he wants to be the one who proposes?

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:01

Yes, you are probably right. Thank you. When we last spoke about it i got a bit emotional and had to walk it off. I'm afraid i've messed it up. But everything has been so natural with us. And i'm not the type to hang back. If i feel something i just blurt it eventually.

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iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:02

I had even told him that i wanted to be the one to do it and not him.

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iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:04

Cailin, He has said he would but i don't think i want to take the chance right now.

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ethelb · 20/06/2012 15:04

ah, have a Brew

sounds rough but as you say you have very recently been hurt by this. i'm impressed you have the balls to ask him!

tbh lots of people are going to come on and say that everyone should wait out for a man who proposes to you as soon as he looks at you 'just like their DH' as i know from posting a similar thread, but it sounds v normal.

I have lived with DP for 2 years and we have just signed the contract on our second home together. I have wanted to get married for about 6 months now, but DP is not ready. I think I will just have to wait. You might have to too if you want to stay with him. .

CailinDana · 20/06/2012 15:05

How long have you been together? How old are you?

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:08

I know it sounds silly. A year and a half. We're both 26.

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iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:14

Thank you Ethel. Part of me agrees totally. I will have a brew and have a chat with him and have a laugh about it all as i'm sure we will eventually. The other part is screaming I just refuse to be someone who waits if i know what i want. Why does he get to decide? And potentially let me down? Nah!

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Abitwobblynow · 20/06/2012 15:16

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. Please do not give up your independence, this is a huge mistake.

In fact, not only must you not move in with him, you must go on dates with other blokes. And keep working on yourself, your career development, your emotional maturity, learning to love and appreciate yourself,

Fuck him and the shetland he rode into town on.

Skittles, I am well over 20 years older than you are, please believe me on this one! You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't tie yourself down to this unhappiness and lack of respect.

'When people tell you who they are, believe them'. - Maya Angelou

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2012 15:19

As I'm of the view that men are unreliable if they marry before age 30 I think you should thank him for his candour and find someone older if you want to settle down.

ethelb · 20/06/2012 15:20

^^^

as I said!!!

You do have to take risks and I think a lot of the married individuals on mumsnet look back on being our age (I'm 25 dp is 28 nearly 29) with slightly rose-tinted spectacles sometimes. Or they look at their DP's level of committment at the time with the very valuable gift of hindsight.

However, if you are moving in with him make sure you do have a get out option and chekc you are comfortable with any joint tenancy agreement and keep your finances separate.

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:21

:-) I think this is what i was after Thank you wobbly.
I know i am fabulous and without blowing my own trumpet am asked out on dates here and there. I'm going to make an effort to maybe hang out with some of the lovely fella's who've been coming my way-as friends. I know he's not the be all and end all. In terms of moving in together, he's moving in with me. It's kind of situational (is that a word?). I think i'll try it for a while. It would be a test for our relationship?

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MsOliveOyl · 20/06/2012 15:22

I agree with Abitwobbly and I'm only 4 years older than you OP. Don't move in with him. What would be the point? It's certainly not going to get him to marry you (if that's what you want).

MsOliveOyl · 20/06/2012 15:23

Sorry, x-posted with you OP.

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:23

sorry if that last comment sounded obnoxious

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AMumInScotland · 20/06/2012 15:23

You need to talk to him about it again, sober, and listen to how he says things as well as exactly what he says. You mention finance and age - well, being married is not fundamentally expensive, and 26 is hardly "too young". So what you need to work out what his issues really are, and whether he thinks of moving in together as something that's going to be settled in for the long haul, or just a temporary arrangement because it suits you both for now.

And then think about how you feel about that and whether you are happy to stay together on that basis, or doubt that you'll ever be on the same page.

There isn't any "right answer" to relationships, it's just a matter of trying to match up what you both want, how things might change over time, and how much you will compromise in one area because of other things.

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:25

No Olive i dont think that's what i'm trying to do. Moving in has been in the pipelines for ages. It would have been great but i've opened this new can of worms with marraige talk...

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Caerlaverock · 20/06/2012 15:26

My h kept asking me to marry him through my 20s I kept saying no. I wasnt being a bitch or riding Shetland ponies (wtf does that even mean?) I just didn't want to get married. Reader I married him ..... EvenTually

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:27

Ethel, i agree with you. It's difficult being our age. I'm questioning a lot of things i thought were certain when younger and i've got my career to think about, i've got a few responsibilities that others wouldn't at my age. And then i'm out seemingly having fun and sure of myself and confident. It's hard..

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Flimflammery · 20/06/2012 15:29

I was about to say that he's stringing you along - but then I read that you're both 26 and been together a year and a half. I would advise you to make the most of being young and unmarried. Stay with him if you love him and he treats you well, but have fun, have adventures, explore potential careers, get to know yourself! Then in another couple of years if he still doesn't want to marry you, you can (almost) happily leave him and find someone who is ready.

ethelb · 20/06/2012 15:31

@iloveskittles do you think it was just on your mind which is why you blurted it out? there is nothing wrong with that.

@caerlaverock what made you change your mind out of interest?

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:32

Thank you mum in Scotland. Yes, i began to get emotional when he was listing these reason's because they all sounded like excuses. And it's largely because historically i have been against marriage and he for it! It has been a big thing for me to overcome this and admit that yes i do want to get married to him. I was so embarrased that i could be so fickle about beliefs i had for so long. But i still don't think i want these things. Just with him!
If i was single again i don't doubt that i'd be having fun. But it wouldn't be with this one man that has made me re-think so much.

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Caerlaverock · 20/06/2012 15:32

I had dd and his mother was horrific about us not being married (not the most romantic reason )