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Original poster

I asked my bf to marry me and he said no.

85 replies

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 14:56

Oh, dear. I asked my bf to marry me in a drunken stupor the other night and he said no. (I's been thinking about it for ages now, and always thought it would come out in an overly cheesy way which i thought would be funny too. But it just built up and blurted out). I completely understand the reason's he has given, financial, age etc. but think my insecurities have surfaced greatly and am thinking as i always have done that he does not want me for the long run. It has been weird ever since i asked and we were about to move in together. Is it wrong of me to be wondering whether to go through with the move? We have spoken about marriage and kids in the past. I have always been against the institution of marriage, he on the other hand has argued for it. As time went on i've realised that i in fact do want it but only with him. I'd communicated that with him and we both said it was what we wanted. But even then i was wondering whether he was just saying it. I'm feeling like he has only said all those things about marriage because he has had the security of knowing that i've not wanted to get married and he never thought i would go through with it. I love this guy like no one before. He has made me question all of my core beliefs about love, marraige etc. Massively feeling rejected.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 20/06/2012 15:33

My dh would have said categorically NO to marriage aged 26. And he loved me to pieces.

I would have too actually. I wasn't remotely interested in a wedding or marriage. We went on to have two children and married in our late 30s - noone more suprised than me when he proposed! I still wasn't bothered about it (but glad we did now)!

He also said he was not ready for kids when he was 28, by the time he was 29 we had our ds and a dd by the time he was 31 - and he was the one who initiated us trying!

What I'm trying to say is that a) marriage isn't the be all and end all and just becuase he said no doesn't mean he doesn't love you. And b) 26 is a funny age...by 28/29/30 people tend to change a lot and start thinking about marriage and kids in my experience of myself and friends.

I'm sorry you feel so shit. But don't feel you fucked up! All you did was propose to the man you love.

Have a good, long talk when you are slightly less raw and see how he feels.

If your relationship is generally good and communicative there's no reason for him not to be honest with you about where he's at.

xx

noddyholder · 20/06/2012 15:35

I said no but we are still together 21 years on. Refusing marriage has nothing to do with love Smile

Abitwobblynow · 20/06/2012 15:35

Please don't understand me. I said that not because he is a bad person (and agree w the honesty remark) BUT because you are not on the same page.

Don't tie yourself down. Don't let yourself get undermined and doubt yourself. Don't run after someone who doesn't value as much as you wish and dream for. Not because he is a bad lad, but [at this moment/never] he can't give you what you wish for.

Rather, learn to find yourself, work on yourself and the rest will all fall into place. It is when we secretly doubt, it is out of the void within ourselves, that we settle for second best...

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:35

Ethel, Yes it had been on my mind for some time. I just wasn't imaginative enough to do it properly. And before i did...Blurgh!

OP posts:
noddyholder · 20/06/2012 15:37

I moved in with dp or rather he with me and I never gave up anything.

Paiviaso · 20/06/2012 15:38

Another person agreeing with Abitwobblynow.

You and your partner should want the same things, at the same time.

Have a serious chat with him about the future, and if he doesn't give the answers that you hope to hear, then it's not right.

ethelb · 20/06/2012 15:42

@ilove thats normal. also you have to see this from his perspective. he was probably quite shocked considering your attitude before and it is unreasonable for him to know that you had been thinking about marriage for some time.

I made that mistake. It made for a horrid couple of days where I felt awful and so did he, but now we know where each other stands and actually we are happier.

to put myself in his position i wondered what it would be like if he suddenly sprung on me that he wants to start trying to have a baby now. when actually i am not ready, and would be quite bewildered and upset if he did that iyswim?

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:44

Thank you Proudnscary x

Paiviaso and wobbly, thank you too. I agree that everything else we've wanted have been at the same time but not this. We both want to move in together though and we kind of have to because he has terminated his tenancy. He's due to move in next weekend. I will def have a proper chat with him tonight/tomorrow/when i feel better and then see how it goes eh?

OP posts:
tomverlaine · 20/06/2012 15:45

don't throw away what you have just because he didn't say yes to a drunken proposal of marriage. It doesn't necessarily mean anything other than he doesn't want to get married yet. Maybe he doesn't know whether he wants to get married to you at all but I don't believe that you have to feel things at the same time to be right together - you're not identical people - different people work at different paces even if they feel the same thing. and why are you in such a rush?? if things work out together you can get married in 5 years time or 10 years or 15 - and if things don't work out marriage isn't going to help.

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/06/2012 15:46

You haven't been together very long and it sounds like you took him by surprise

i wouldn't have agreed to marry DH if he had asked me just before moving in together - that puts a lot of pressure on!

Enjoy some time living together and forget about the getting married stuff

I think your reaction says more about your relationship than his

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:47

Ethel, i totally see you're point. I didn't just randomly spring it on him. We went travelling together at the beginning of the year and we had this intense conversation where i admitted everything i was feeling about marraige. How i've been embarrassed to admit it because of my original stance on it etc. We both agreed that we wanted to do it. It just isn't now for him. And i know that, I think i may be testing him to see if he really means it. Like Oh yeh? You mean it then prove it! Which is probably very unfair.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 20/06/2012 15:49

I agree there is really no rush. Just becasue someone thinks something at 26 which is very young doesn't mean it is set in stone although you do have to be prepared for it never to happen as it might just not be his thing.

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:51

Tomverlaine, I think the fear of being with someone that long and it not working out. Or him rejecting me. Ridiculous i know. I should grow some balls and enjoy the time we're having right? Mean while though i'm not out there dating other people. We are in a serious committed relationship. I think i want marriage as a form of security blanket.

OP posts:
only4tonight · 20/06/2012 15:53

I did that, dh (you see where this is heading) thought I was being a drunken knob. 2 months later he proposed to me. We had been together significantly linger than you 2 though.

SweetTheSting · 20/06/2012 15:54

I said no the first time DH asked me as well! We were renting a place together. I just didn't feel ready at that time to get married.

Also if you were a bit drunk he might not have been 100% sure you 100% meant it.

As you are already about to live together and most people do live together before marriage, I would think that it's worth talking about this now to clear the air then see where you are after 6 months of living together.

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:54

@only for tonight. That made me :-)
If anything like that happened now i would be thinking 'i'm such a bitch for pressuring this onto him'!

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 15:55

thank you sweetthesting

OP posts:
ethelb · 20/06/2012 15:59

"If anything like that happened now i would be thinking 'i'm such a bitch for pressuring this onto him'!"

That's exactly how I felt.

Glad posters have been sensible about this. I was given a v rough time following something v similar a few months ago! MN is funny sometimes...

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 16:02

:-) This is my first MN post, though read it all the time. Slightly embarrassed it's not about a serious feminist issue. Thank you all. I feel better than i did

OP posts:
lotsofcheese · 20/06/2012 16:10

I'm one of the "not before you're 30" crew, especially for men. There seems to be a huge difference emotionally between 25 & 30 in men.

There also seem to be certain relationship milestones & the 18 month stage seems to be one.

I would be having a conversation about where your relationship is going in the long-term: do you want the same thing?

What you don't want is drifting into living together, and having to deal with the same issue at 30. Better to find out now.

OP, was also wondering how much relationship experience you have? Is this your 1st serious relationship?

bumbleymummy · 20/06/2012 16:11

Cogito, that's a bit of a generalisation! I know lots of couples who got married in their early 20s and are still very happily married. Both mine and DH's parents for a start.

OP, try not to take it to heart. Moving in together is a big step too and maybe he wants to surprise you some day. Enjoy each other and see what comes. :)

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 16:14

Not very much at all. I've never been in love with anyone enough to be with them for any length of time. And i liked it that way. Take it or leave it. This is big for me. He's never moved in with anyone before but has had a few longish relationships.

OP posts:
startlife · 20/06/2012 16:20

As I'm of the view that men are unreliable if they marry before age 30 I think you should thank him for his candour and find someone older if you want to settle down

This is so true, for most men and often women (women perhaps age 27/28).I wish this was taught in schools, science is helping us understand that adult brains continue to develop into your 20's.

I think his "No" has been a blessing in disguise. I also think that a relationship needs at least 2 years to go through all the stages so 18months isn't that ideal to really know someone. If you really, really want a relationship that lasts for 50+ years (i.e not get divorced) are you sure that are 18months and not living together he is the ideal man for you??

Original poster
iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 16:25

I see what you're saying completely, but i've never met anyone like him. He is very special (as am i, i know) I have just blurted it out quite soon after feeling it. But that's just me...

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 20/06/2012 16:30

Some of you need to stop being dismissive of people's relationships based on age. Most of our friends and family got married in their 20s and we only know one couple of separated amicably after 40 years together.

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