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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I asked my bf to marry me and he said no.

85 replies

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 14:56

Oh, dear. I asked my bf to marry me in a drunken stupor the other night and he said no. (I's been thinking about it for ages now, and always thought it would come out in an overly cheesy way which i thought would be funny too. But it just built up and blurted out). I completely understand the reason's he has given, financial, age etc. but think my insecurities have surfaced greatly and am thinking as i always have done that he does not want me for the long run. It has been weird ever since i asked and we were about to move in together. Is it wrong of me to be wondering whether to go through with the move? We have spoken about marriage and kids in the past. I have always been against the institution of marriage, he on the other hand has argued for it. As time went on i've realised that i in fact do want it but only with him. I'd communicated that with him and we both said it was what we wanted. But even then i was wondering whether he was just saying it. I'm feeling like he has only said all those things about marriage because he has had the security of knowing that i've not wanted to get married and he never thought i would go through with it. I love this guy like no one before. He has made me question all of my core beliefs about love, marraige etc. Massively feeling rejected.

OP posts:

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/06/2012 16:32

I don't think it's to do with age - i think it is more to do with length of time together and stage of relationship. moving in together is a big deal!

I wonder if you are trying to sabotage the relationship because the strength of your feelings is scaring you?

I would forget all about it and start enjoying living together!

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 16:44

Honestly, sometimes i feel i am trying to do that. I have attempted to break up with him on several occasions and done other things to push him away. It's like i'm waiting for him to do something for me to say'ha i told you you'd leave me'. I don't think it's fair to do this based on him saying no to a drunk proposal late one night. But still feel rejected.

OP posts:

Whenthetoadcamehome · 20/06/2012 16:45

My DH was 23 when we got married, and of all of our friends I'd hazard a lot on ours being one of the happiest. but we both wanted to get married at that time, and had lived together for a year. OP I think living together changes a LOT in your relationship and it's actually eminently sensible of your bf to not want this step yet. Have 12 months cohabiting and then ask him again if that's still how you feel...if by that time he still doesn't want it then you know it's time to look elsewhere! (but you will have gained some valuable experience of cohabitation in a relationship too, which is no bad thing either ime!)

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 16:51

@Whenthetoadcamehome
Thank you. That's good advice. And i will take that on board for sure.

We have basically lived together since we met. I don't think we've had more than two nights apart since we met 18months ago. Especially the last 3 months i've just been at his since i've changed jobs and its closer for me.

Anyway, this is an exciting time and i should enjoy it. You're right about asking again. And i don't doubt that i will. I think after one more year and two no's i'll be on a low point. But will know for sure.

OP posts:

Whenthetoadcamehome · 20/06/2012 16:58

there is a huge difference between 'spending every night together' when you have your own bolt holes to run to and actually having to spend every night together though...there shouldn't be logically, but it made a big difference for us and we really had quite a rough ride for the first 9 months...then we worked it out.

So many things will change in your relationship, I've been married for 10 years to a lovely, very patient and moral man, amd still there are times when I could cheerfully kill him or just walk out the door, and as I say I think we have it better than many couples we know! :o

DO just enjoy this bit, it's so exciting and fun and you'll have decades of responsibility and daily grind ahead, so lap up the ability to grab as much life as you can and relish not having to share one another with anyone! Good Luck! Come back in a year and let us know how you get on.

JustFabulous · 20/06/2012 17:01

DH said no when I asked him as well and I was most put out. we had only been together a month but it was leap year day

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 17:02

Thank you. That's lovely.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 20/06/2012 17:20

I'm another who would sugeest sitting him down and really talking about where you are heading and why he said no and what he meant by it (not now, not ever, not with you).

If he said no because he thinks that he should be the one to ask then I know if it was me I would lose an awful lot of respect for him.

If when it comes to it he doesnt really want to be tied down then you are both simply not on the same page so far as the relationship is concerned and you will then need to decide if in the cold sober light of day this is what you want.

Honestly, age simply as a number doesnt come into it. DH & I were 26 & 24 when we married and I asked him over the washing up and it wasnt a leap year! We have now been married nearly 21 years.

lotsofcheese · 20/06/2012 17:24

I think age is relevant here. I know of very few couples in this generation (less than 40) who got together in their late teens/early 20's & are still together.

Your 20's are about experiencing different relationships, finding out what's right (and wrong) for you. And finding the right "fit". Most of us don't get it right 1st time!!

molly3478 · 20/06/2012 17:34

I am 2 years older yhan you my dh 1 year and we have been married 8 years I definitely dont think you are too young.I agree with wobbly

Doodlekitty · 20/06/2012 17:43

Hey Skittles

I just wanted to say, be there, done that! And we celebrate our first wedding anniversary in August.
In fact, first time I told (then) OH that I loved him he response was 'really?' and then a bit later 'I think i might love you too'.... wow, thanks!!!

We had been together (does maths) about 2 years when I got drunk and asked him. He said no, he did not feel ready, did not want to rush things, liked the way things are etc (we were already living together). I did not take it well (to say the least!!!! Cried and told him that he must have loved his ex more than me! stupid alcohol!)
Things were a bit.... odd.... for a while and then normal service was resumed. It was about 9 months later he proposed to me. I said yes. A bit later I asked him what had changed and he said nothing, and he did not want anything to change which is why he knew it was right.

All I'm trying to say is that this does not have to be a big deal, laugh it off and play it by ear. DO NOT tell him he must have loved his ex more, that does not go down well!!

henrysmama2012 · 20/06/2012 17:43

I do think that 26 is quite young and it'd be normal for a 26 yr old guy to know that he is currently really not ready for the lifetime commitment of marriage! He's been honest about it and that's not disrespectful of him, or him not valuing you. Id just continue to date him and see what happens further down the road.

Btw I think moving in together can be great for a couple & let them find out a lot quicker if they are truly right for each other...I don't think living together puts guys off marriage at all.

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 20:11

Doodle kitty thank you so much for your message. Made me feel lots better. I'm currently at his. I said to myself I'd just be normal and crack a joke or something but it is still really weird. I'm helping him pack some of his things ahead of the big move on Saturday. I'm sure the weirdness will pass soon.

OP posts:

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 20:15

@doodlekitty by the way I said I love you first and really quickly! I just felt it and so I blurted it out. He was silent for ages which was really awkward then said it back...

OP posts:

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/06/2012 20:15

This is a man you asked to marry you! Just talk to him and get rid of the weirdness!!!

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 20:34

@everybodysleepy I know but he said no which is why it's weird! :-) I'm sure it'll be fine soon..

OP posts:

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/06/2012 20:35

Don't let this spoil the excitement of moving in together

He didn't say no, he said not now

Jodidi · 20/06/2012 20:55

I don't believe that saying no to marriage is anything to do with how much someone loves you or how successful a relationship will be. Some people take longer to get to the wedding part than others.
My dp and I have been together for 6 years, living together for 5 years and have a 2yo dd, plus a mortgage and are planning to spend the rest of our lives together. He doesn't want to get married though and I'm ok with respecting his opinions on that, he's watched both of his parents go through 2 messy divorces and he has an irrational fear that it would happen to us if we got married. Personally I think it would be just as hard splitting up now as it would be if we were married.

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 21:05

I saw my mum go through 2 messy divorces and several bad relationships for as long as I can remember I have not believed in long term relationships and especially marriage. I especially made it clear to my current dp of my lack of belief in it. He would talk me round it until I'd see his point. Slowly I began to really want it for myself with him. I feel like I need the security of knowledge that we will stay together... Thank you for your post jodidi

OP posts:

Teeb · 20/06/2012 23:10

Sorry op, but I saw a post you made on another thread about infidelity. Do you feel as if that may have had a bearing on his response?

Original poster

iloveskittles · 20/06/2012 23:26

Probably...although he says he understands all the reasons i did it and has forgiven me. But yes, i was thinking somebody would pick up on that...

OP posts:

madamemax · 21/06/2012 19:08

OP from your post at 16:44 I suggest reigning back as much as you can, maybe hold off the moving in together. First to say I love you, too? And really quickly? Might he feel pressured? And played?

18 months is not very long, in my opinion, and it really seems like you're blowing very hot and cold, unsure how you REALLY feel and giving mixed messages. Sorry, but if this situation were reversed and you were asking for advice on a boyfriend who was behaving like this, people may start talking about red flags...

If I were you, I'd enjoy life and forget all notions of marriage with this guy or moving in together, for at least a while.

Best of luck.

madamemax · 21/06/2012 19:10

Oops, just saw post about infidelity too! Oh dear. He should run, fast and far, you should spend some time alone. Just my opinion.

TheProvincialLady · 21/06/2012 19:18

So in the short time you have been together, you have done various things to try and force him to prove his feelings for you or push you away, have been unfaithful and now asked him to marry you whilst drunk? I honestly think you should get yourself some counselling. You sound all over the place. If he really is special to you, sort yourself out and ask him again in a couple of years when.

TheProvincialLady · 21/06/2012 19:19

I agree madammax - if the boyfriend was on MN posting about their relationship, he would be advised to run like the wind.

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