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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help before DP waked up please

113 replies

HurtingDancingQueen · 15/06/2012 10:31

Hello all,

I would really appreciate some help with my situation, hopefully some of you will be around before DP wakes up. I have name changed for this as it would out me completely I think and I'd rather not do that.

DP and I had an incredibly nasty and hurtful fight last night and he thinks I am in the wrong, and I would really appreciate someone else's opinion.

We're in our mid-twenties and have been together for around 4 years. We went to a fancy do last night with his friends and colleagues and he got drunk really quickly. Not in a good way but in a bit of a shouty and very show off-ey way. We danced a few times but I didn't want to do all the dances, liked to go back to the table etc in between some of them. Whenever I wanted to sit down, have a drink/chat whatever he would immediately try and find someone else to dance with, telling me he wanted to dance every single time and if I am not up for it then why should he suffer. air enough I guess but I didn't know people there and felt a bit awkward being left all the time, also wanted to obviously spend some quality time with DP. I did't say anything though as I really didn't see it as a big deal (felt a bit childish his whole drunken I need to dance behaviour).

So yeah the night went on, we danced a bit more, he got stuck in my dress and I asked him to be careful as it's an expensive one and it wasn't the first time this had happened that night. He got angry and said 'for fucks sake, I said I am sorry, what else do you want me to do?' (I just asked him to be more careful).

We went back to the table and he asked whether I am mad and I said his whole behaviour had been a bit off that night. Bit of back and forth, he asked whether I wanted to go outside a bit and I said no, I just wanted him to be a bit nicer over all and certainly not swear at me. He started to raise his hand in front of my face whenever I went on to say anything else then and I asked him what that was supposed to mean as it was really rude and seemed like he tried to tell me to shut up. So in front of the whole table he said 'Yes, that's exactly it, I want you to shut up'. I was quite hurt and incredibly embarrassed, these are people I don't know well.

I asked him whether he'd rather I go home then if he doesn't ant to communicate with me and thinks I am being annoying and he said that he doesn't care what I do. So I got my bag, went to the loo, called my friend and she came to pick me up. I didn't have flat keys so I couldn't actually go to my place. He then texted a few times, quite nasty-that he thinks I am in the wrong, he certainly isn't going to play my games and come home now (I didn't ask him but I needed to get away from him and couldn't go back to him after crying in the ladies room).

In the end he sent a text saying he thinks it's best if I stay at friend's place all night and that he is tired, even more drunk and that he is "not sue about our future of us either. At the moment I find it hard to care." and then said that I made everything so much worse by embarrassing him and storming off.

I am now wondering whether I was in the wrong to leave. it seemed to start as such a small thing (me not wanting to dance and asking him to not run off the whole time/be more careful) but he was so drunk it felt like it was all blown out of proportion. And I was so embarrassed and hurt I couldn't face going back to sit with him after being sworn at and told to go home if I want to.

I appreciate it might have been passive aggressive but I was so upset I didn't know what to do and figured maybe cooling off would be good for us. I am now back home, he let me in, but he went straight back to sleep. I guess he is still hungover.

What do I do Do I apologise for basically doing what he told me to do? Should I have gone back and pretend everything is alright after he told me to shut up in front of company? I would have felt like such a walk over if I had done that.
And then him saying he finds it hard to care right now-how am I supposed to interpret that? Does this relationship have any future?

He is usually so caring and I do love him very much, but he can be so nasty and weird when drunk and last night was just too extreme for me to stomach. I mean really, swearing and being nasty over me asking for normal behaviour?

I need someone neutral to tell me what to do when DP wakes up.

OP posts:

Original poster

HurtingDancingQueen · 15/06/2012 10:32

wakes not wakeD of course, sorry.

OP posts:

ThreadWatcher · 15/06/2012 10:36

What would I do when your dp wakes up?
I wouldnt wait for him to wake up tbh - Id be packing my bags now. Or his bags - depending on who has the greatest right to continue living where you live.

Do you have dc together?

WipsGlitter · 15/06/2012 10:37

We're you drinking as well?

He was being an arse but was maybe nervous or trying to impress colleagues. A work night out is never going to be "quality time" with your partner. It can be shite and you do end up like a spare part.

brabbinsandfyffe · 15/06/2012 10:39

I'd have left too - once someone's got like that I don't think it's easy to deal with at all, doesn't seem like it was actually possible to talk to him and he certainly wasn't listening to you. I think you did the right thing. Personally, whatever I did today, I think I'd have decided to leave for good in the near future.

0098356 · 15/06/2012 10:43

The nasty drunk behaviour MUST stop. It is not on !

I assume you don't have DCs together so I would pack stuff you would need for the next couple of weeks and give yourself some time away from him. You need this time to get clear in his head whether your current bf is worth your time.

Based on last night's behaviour I would separate asap. Usually people don't change... some people get aggressive when drinking spirits... so if that was the reason he will have to lay off them and drink much less....

Good luck, you sound like a cool girl!

0098356 · 15/06/2012 10:44

You need this time to get clear in YOUR head whether your current bf is worth your time.

Anniegetyourgun · 15/06/2012 10:44

He does sound a dreadful arse. If he doesn't do this sort of thing often and is very sorry this morning then maybe it's worth sticking around in the hope that he eventually grows up and stops drinking so much that his personality changes for the worse.

If, on the other hand, he is still arsey about how badly you behaved last night: run away, run away...

Mumsyblouse · 15/06/2012 10:45

I am not sure, going on at him to sit down when he's at a staff party isn't so cool, perhaps you had your 'I'm not enjoying myself' face on and he became cross. It's not a quality time night out, as someone else has said. Having said that, drunk aggressive men are not nice. I do have quite a few friends who I've seen turn like this on a night out though, especially when young, alcohol does turn people uninhibited and aggressive, and that's what happened.

Not sure where you take it from here except to either avoid his works dos and to tell him not to get so drunk he swears at you. Even though you are technically 'in the right', I don't think that will help you sort out if you should be together. Is he often like this?

AceOfBase · 15/06/2012 10:47

Well I certainly wouldn't apologize but I would wait til he's not hungover to talk to him as he will probably be on the defensive if you bring it up while he's rough. Once he's fully functional I would tell him that the way he spoke to you was rude and offensive and that you expect an apology for his behavior. If he won't apologize then you should think carefully about whether he deserves your love and forgiveness and if he is in fact the kind of man you want to be with. Everyone can behave like a twat when under the influence but its how they behave after such behavior that shows what kind of person they are. If he honestly thinks he was in the right then he is a complete wanker.

0098356 · 15/06/2012 10:48

100% Yes, to this: If, on the other hand, he is still arsey about how badly you behaved last night: run away, run away...

Original poster

HurtingDancingQueen · 15/06/2012 10:49

We don't have any children, no.

I didn't drink (I had one glass of wine, otherwise water all night). I didn't mean quality time as in time with him alone, but I also didn't want him to abandon me all night and get angry when I don't want to dance. Surely these things are compromises? I did do about every other official dance, the band was there for 3 hours so we did dance a lot.

Wips: He definitely tried to impress people but then surely that shouldn't mean him swearing at me? And I only said something about feeling a bit put off by his behaviour after he had done the whole thing on the dance floor. I do see though that the colleagues thing might have been awkward for him. Shoudl I have stayed?

Thread Watcher, so ou would really leave over this? I do love him but it felt really shit last night.

OP posts:

Lookup · 15/06/2012 10:51

you did the right thing by leaving when you did

you dont look bad in front of the others there, he does
you left with some dignity intact

do not wait around for this idiot

if he gets like this when drunk, it is too much of a worry

let him go - how can it be love, when it sounds like you were utterly terrified of his unpredictable behaviour, even if drunk, he still was able to string the words together and direct them at you like that

he doesnt deserve you

Lovetats · 15/06/2012 10:52

From what you've written, it sounds like he was on the prod for a fight all night. I wouldn't apologise. He should. If he didn't, I'd leave him.

Original poster

HurtingDancingQueen · 15/06/2012 10:54

Sorry I cross posted with a few people. It was a ceilidh dance so the dances are quite rough a lot of the time, really long etc, so it's not unusual to do two or three and then go for a drink, quick sit down and back up, it's what most people did. And I did enjoy myself, just felt a bit awkward I guess. Maybe I shouldn't have told him but after he swore at me on the dance floor for a reasonable request I couldn't hold back.

I am moving to a new job in a week, I really can't leave just now, even if I would want to.

OP posts:

Wrongbow · 15/06/2012 10:54

Telling you to shut up in front of his colleagues will certainly not have impressed them and I doubt any of them would blame you for leaving. His behaviour sounds disgusting to me. I would certainly not apologise - I would see what he is like when he wakes up and take it from there. You especially need to talk about the "not sure about our future" thing and don't let him pass it off as a drunken comment.

oldwomaninashoe · 15/06/2012 10:55

He obviously has no conception that he is a "nasty" drunk!

A lot of people reckon that alcohol makes you lose your inhibitions and you start to act out in your "true" nature. If you think that this is the case then I wouldn't waste any more time with him.

I would wait a while, his colleagues/workmates might point out to him that he was being a prat, by having a laugh at him, in front of him. He is more likely to believe them, than you.

I personally cannot tolerate drunkeness, my exH used to abuse me when drunk, and as a result, I am usually the judgmental, sober one in a group .

It is up to you if it is not a one off, I would tread very carefully, as it is likely to happen again, can you put up with it??

PeppermintPasty · 15/06/2012 10:55

If he's not a twat generally, only when in drink, then he needs to stop drinking. I have to say that if my dp did that thing with the hand and was abusive in the way you describe, then I would have tipped his beer over his head before walking out, at the very least. I think you sound like the model of moderation tbh!

If however he's a twat in general, and does this stuff all the time, I wouldn't stand for it.

And don't apologise for walking out. I think that was the right thing to do. The only one who embarrassed him was him!

Original poster

HurtingDancingQueen · 15/06/2012 10:56

I wasn't terrified to be honest but just really hurt. I felt really embarrassed, but it did feel more dignified to leave at that point. Bit like a time out for kids somehow, I thought it's better to remove myself from the situation

OP posts:

0098356 · 15/06/2012 10:57

No, you shouldn't have stayed if you have a fist waved around in front of your face and getting sweared at!

When I have a work do I make sure my partner is comfortable... and that would mean sitting down with him for a little if he feels shy or tired, take him with me when I mingle, introduce him to my colleagues etc., dance a bit with him, and if i want to continue dancing i would make sure partner is ok and has someone to talk to if he gets tired of dancing... and if he gets tired and wants to go home as he isn't enjoying himself so much i wouldn't be offended, just say, "ok get a taxi, and i'll see you later at home, you don't mind me partying a bit more honey?"

I would have expected that kind of behaviour from your BF as well.

Smellslikecatspee · 15/06/2012 10:57

to be totally honest I would have left after ''for fucks sake, I said I am sorry, what else do you want me to do?'

What gives him the right to swear at you?

Yes work do's are shit I have to go to alot of them and due to the nature of OHS work tend not to know anyone there, that does give him the ok to act this way towards you. As for the texting.

Can I ask why you seem to feel that you should apologise?

I mean if you'd gone and taken the keys and left him sleeping on the doorstep mmmm maybe, but to me you would be apologising for not letting him verbally abuse you in company?

And it sounds as this isn't the first time.

I know any of us can be off/ act odd when drunk (I can be a right mardy cow, if I drink when in a bad mood, but anything I say/do is still my fault, not the drink. )

But if he always acts like this when drinking/drunk maybe he needs to stop drinking or does he use being drunk as an excuse for his behaviour? To sweep it under the carpet?

If you really want to stay with this man, you need to have a serious chat with him when he wakes up. No shouting, yelling swearing, just state that his behaviour last night was unacceptable, and you expect an apology (a proper one, not a childish 'I'm sorry so what' one). And that if this behaviou happens again its over, and mean it.

brabbinsandfyffe · 15/06/2012 10:58

The situ remind me of an ex i had, these little dramas would develop in which he wanted to show others how unfairly he was being treated and how justified he was in being angry. It was really confusing, and it felt manipulative. I went in the end. I agree with AceOfBase's last sentence here.

rhoobabble · 15/06/2012 10:59

Hi, speaking as someone who should have left after a very similar incident, I think imho you should end it. You should not have stayed. Why? To be put down more? You should only have stayed if you got an apology there and then in front of the people he embarrassed you with. He was a drunken arse which is the shape of things to come. Better to leave now than have to sort out a house, kids, dog and debts because you didnt have the guts to do it (me lol).
We went to a wedding, really posh and I was really excited - first weekend away together etc. What actually happened was that he spent the whole time talking to his old dreadfully toffee nosed mates (particularly his ex) and drinking whisky. He was just like your bloke, what upset me was that he knew how (stupidly) excited I was and yet still wrecked it. We have 3 kids now and it's awful tbh. That lack of respect runs through every aspect of his dealings with me. I'm name called, snarled at and then bought flowers. When I get a bunch now I just feel very sad. I got some last night. Don't let yourself get stuck like me.

Lookup · 15/06/2012 10:59

i wouldnt even speak to him when he wakes

get yourself busy with sthing for you this weekend

hoping you dont cook or wash his clothes either...

ThreadWatcher · 15/06/2012 10:59

Hurting - If my dp behaved like that then yes I would consider leaving. He wasnt behaving in a respectful loving way to you. Yes he was drunk which obviously affects things but even so.

But I dont drink and neither does my ex dh so perhaps Im not in a position to comment - never having had a drunken row or any problem with a drunken dh!

BabylannShallFall · 15/06/2012 11:00

You poor thing, that sounds like a horrible, stressful night. I don't blame you for leaving when you did and I doubt anyone else would either.

I would possibly be packing my bags too, but I don't know the full context of your relationship and what you're generally like together.

I know with DP it would be out of character and that it would change my opinion of him and maybe I could forgive him one drunken incident like this, but if it was a regular thing, if he was always an aggressive drunk, I would be leaving.

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