Help before DP waked up please

[HurtingDancingQueen]

Hello all,

I would really appreciate some help with my situation, hopefully some of you will be around before DP wakes up. I have name changed for this as it would out me completely I think and I'd rather not do that.

DP and I had an incredibly nasty and hurtful fight last night and he thinks I am in the wrong, and I would really appreciate someone else's opinion.

We're in our mid-twenties and have been together for around 4 years. We went to a fancy do last night with his friends and colleagues and he got drunk really quickly. Not in a good way but in a bit of a shouty and very show off-ey way. We danced a few times but I didn't want to do all the dances, liked to go back to the table etc in between some of them. Whenever I wanted to sit down, have a drink/chat whatever he would immediately try and find someone else to dance with, telling me he wanted to dance every single time and if I am not up for it then why should he suffer. air enough I guess but I didn't know people there and felt a bit awkward being left all the time, also wanted to obviously spend some quality time with DP. I did't say anything though as I really didn't see it as a big deal (felt a bit childish his whole drunken I need to dance behaviour).

So yeah the night went on, we danced a bit more, he got stuck in my dress and I asked him to be careful as it's an expensive one and it wasn't the first time this had happened that night. He got angry and said 'for fucks sake, I said I am sorry, what else do you want me to do?' (I just asked him to be more careful).

We went back to the table and he asked whether I am mad and I said his whole behaviour had been a bit off that night. Bit of back and forth, he asked whether I wanted to go outside a bit and I said no, I just wanted him to be a bit nicer over all and certainly not swear at me. He started to raise his hand in front of my face whenever I went on to say anything else then and I asked him what that was supposed to mean as it was really rude and seemed like he tried to tell me to shut up. So in front of the whole table he said 'Yes, that's exactly it, I want you to shut up'. I was quite hurt and incredibly embarrassed, these are people I don't know well.

I asked him whether he'd rather I go home then if he doesn't ant to communicate with me and thinks I am being annoying and he said that he doesn't care what I do. So I got my bag, went to the loo, called my friend and she came to pick me up. I didn't have flat keys so I couldn't actually go to my place. He then texted a few times, quite nasty-that he thinks I am in the wrong, he certainly isn't going to play my games and come home now (I didn't ask him but I needed to get away from him and couldn't go back to him after crying in the ladies room).

In the end he sent a text saying he thinks it's best if I stay at friend's place all night and that he is tired, even more drunk and that he is "not sue about our future of us either. At the moment I find it hard to care." and then said that I made everything so much worse by embarrassing him and storming off.

I am now wondering whether I was in the wrong to leave. it seemed to start as such a small thing (me not wanting to dance and asking him to not run off the whole time/be more careful) but he was so drunk it felt like it was all blown out of proportion. And I was so embarrassed and hurt I couldn't face going back to sit with him after being sworn at and told to go home if I want to.

I appreciate it might have been passive aggressive but I was so upset I didn't know what to do and figured maybe cooling off would be good for us. I am now back home, he let me in, but he went straight back to sleep. I guess he is still hungover.

What do I do Do I apologise for basically doing what he told me to do? Should I have gone back and pretend everything is alright after he told me to shut up in front of company? I would have felt like such a walk over if I had done that.
And then him saying he finds it hard to care right now-how am I supposed to interpret that? Does this relationship have any future?

He is usually so caring and I do love him very much, but he can be so nasty and weird when drunk and last night was just too extreme for me to stomach. I mean really, swearing and being nasty over me asking for normal behaviour?

I need someone neutral to tell me what to do when DP wakes up.

He is not a twat in general at all, he is usually great, always there for me and never really angry. We do fight but it's at home, pretty normal couple stuff I would say.

He usually becomes very 'cool' when drunk, speaks up a lot more, tries to be the funny one etc.

Forgot to say I also told him I wasn't happy when he corrected my English in front of the whole group-it's not my first language. He had a laugh at me using the wrong word. It was in a kinda friendly way but still embarrassing in company.

A lot of you are saying he is abusive-I am surprised you're using such a strong word. Am I so removed from reality?

And yes, the whole text thing was the worst thing, so basically he expects me to put up with his behaviour or he becomes unsure about us?

I suspect any impressing of his colleagues went right out the window when they saw how he treated you. You were right to leave. After all he agreed that he didn't care what you did - another black mark for colleagues to witness.

I think you need to speak to him about his behaviour. If he refuses to apologise or acknowledge that he was out of order and tries to lay all the blame on you, then I think you may have to reconsider whether this is the relationship you want.

This is the first time i have ever said this seriously leave the bastard

No question

It sounds ike the kind of argument a lot of people have in the 'early stages' of a relationship.If these are still cropping up after 4 years I'd be having a BIG talk.

So may cross posts, I really appreciate all your help! I need to read them and will answer individually.

He didn't put a fist in front of my face, he showed the palm towards me. Like you do if you want someone to stop speaking, which you might do if you're on the phone or something-raise the hand to ask for a second if that makes sense. But he was doing it continuously and then said he wanted me to shut up.

You have no children so no ties. Tell him you'd like a trial separation.

I am really not sure who is the most at fault here to be honest.

Was he really all that drunk, or did he just seem it because OP was stone cold sober?

He wanted to dance.. she didnt.

He then wanted to dance on his own.. she didnt like that and sulked because she felt left on her own.

A company do is not the place to have "quality time" as a couple. It is a social event. If you want quality time, go out on your own.

It sounds like two incompatible people to me.

Sweetheart, if you have to ask if swearing at you in public, embarrassing you and dismissing you is abuse, well then I would say yes it it.

The sadest thing with abuse is that when it's happening to you on a regular basis you see the behaviour as normal, its only when a big thing happens or someone else points it out that it makes you think.

Oh and it was not a company do, it was something where just a few of his colleagues were there as well. Nothing directly to do with his work.

Reading all the replies now, thank you everyone.

Only read your op so far but my opinion is that you had no choice but to leave considering he was telling you to shut up! What were you supposed to do just sit there and take it! No way. I probably would have left as well as i would have been too humiliated to stay.

If he is like this when he is drunk then, well, he needs to take responsibility for that and not drink. Simple as that. If he can't not drink then he has a massive problem.

I had an ex who was a cunt when drunk and would refuse to stop drinking. Its escalated with him physically attacking me one time after drinking. I would consider that as a possibility and be careful. Perhaps leave until he has dealt with his issues.

My ex was a cunt when sober as well though, although in a much more subtle way. The drink seemed to bring out his real nature.

it sounds like he behaved badly.

Saying that, I think it is very odd that you feel that he should not be dancing without you, or that you have to spend the evening "together".

At parties and even at DH work do's, I give him as much space as possible, we both go our own way, occasionally our paths cross, we will have a little chat about something or dance, then move on. The idea that you should either be both dancing, or both sitting down always at the same time to me seems odd.

It sounds as if you are trying to control him and how he behaves which backfires spectacularly and ends him behaving badly (I am not saying you are wrong and he is right!).

It just seems the relationship is a bit suffocating IMHO

It still wasnt the social setting for "quality time" to be fair.

After 4 years he should know you though, and know that you are a person who doesnt swear, and not a big drinker, and it sounds like he had no respect for that.

Everyone is different. I swear, and my husband will swear at me, and to be honest, if he told me to fuck off, I would just say the same back to him. It would all be in the tone and the context rather than just the swearing.

I enjoy dancing, my husband doesnt, but again I understand that and wouldnt try to drag him up on the dancefloor when I knew he didnt want to, and would probably expect him to tell ME to fuck off if I was constantly pestering him.

And I am not saying that you should swear, or that he should swear at you, or that you should take up heavy drinking.

I do think that perhaps your expectations are different to his, and that long term there are going to be a lot of personality clashes.

Thank you everyone for your advise. I appreciate all of the posts, the ones that say I am in the wrong as well. I came on here to understand whether I was, because I personally don't think so, but then it's hard when you're stuck in the situation.

He has never behaved like this before, like I said further up he tries to be all cool and great when out and drunk but he has never been so angry and rude. I wonder why that was. He asked me to come to the do so it was not like I was imposing or anything. At least I tried not to, encouraged him to mingle etc. Just didn't want to do every dance (as a non Scottish person I don't know all ceilidh dances are find them quite tiring. I need a drink after a few!).

It was such a little drama at first but then became such a huge thing. I am surprised a lot of you say it's abusive, but then maybe Smells Like is right and I am too deep in the situation to see straight.

He was quite drunk, I can tell when he is. I don't mind it, I love to drink quite a bit myself, but drinks were expensive that night and I didn't want to spend too much (he got some free drinks I didn't like, no problem there).

We never had issues like this before, so not like he has always been angry when drunk or anything. And he was only angry at me last night, no one else.

Was it just alcohol? Sorry, but he sounds like a coked up twat to me.

See squeaky, he didn't ay it in a light hearted way though but really serious. We do tell each other to go away during fights, shut up in a jokey way etc but not like what he did yesterday. Maybe he just misjudged the situation?

I didn't want him to sit down every time I left but he made faces every time I said I would go have a drink, go to the bathroom etc. But yes, as I didn't know anyone I did expect him to spend most of the time with me to be honest, maybe I was in the wrong there? It's what I do with him when he doesn't know anyone, I just think it's polite to not leave the other one stranded for long chunks of time. I am trying to take the criticism on board, honestly, but it's not easy

QuickQuick, as far as I know he only had drinks. Never took any drugs.

Yes that behaviour does sound abusive. Alcohol is not an an
excuse for acting this way, it's a choice. Have a look at Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15265317

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

rhoobabble - you post made me so - you sound as if you have just accepted a twattish dh as your lot. I hope you realise that you deserve much more than that and find the strength to do what is right for you. Your post sounds like you'd love to leave but feel you can't - you can - I'm not saying it will be easy, but I guarantee it will be worth it if it means reclaiming your life and happiness back

damn. I meant

Its perfectly reasonable to need a sit down or drink or trip to the loo. You shouldn't get faces every time! That just shows he was already looking for a fight.

Sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other to me.

You had different expectations of the night.

He wanted to get drunk and have fun and dance. You wanted to stay sober for whatever reason, and have quality time together. Nothing worse than being up for a fun night out and then your partner sits there with a face on them, or on the flip side, nothing worse than being sober and looking at your drunk DP thinking what a knob

You were pissed off with him for not sitting down with you, which clearly showed. He got pissed off with you, probably because in his drunken state you seemed like you wanted to spoil his fun. You argued at the table in front of his friends and colleagues (who were probably like this ) and you left.

And you've been together four years but you didn't know any of these friends of his that you were out with?

Sorry if I am drip feeding by the way, I tried to stick with important bits in the OP but am trying to answer questions as honestly as possible.

He did pull faces but not in an angry way, more like he was a bit annoyed. I wonder whether he was genuinely just unhappy with me not dancing three hours straight?

I also have to be honest and can feel quite awkward in social situations where I don't know people. I find it hard to just go chatting to people and DP knows that. I did know two people at our table (but just through DP), so I tried to stay with them quite a lot when he went to mingle/dance etc. But yes, I did expect him to spend most of the evening with me, considering we talked about going to the event and decided it's something we wanted to do together.

Chandon said what I want to say and put it very well.

I think you were feeling very insecure at the party, and wanted to control his behaviour so you could feel "safer" (don't drink so much, come sit with me, I don't want to dance but I'm too scared to be alone with these people I don't know).

He didn't want to be controlled, and told you so (why shouldn't I dance just because you don't want to). Then because neither of you was doing what the other wanted, his continued drinking and drunken oafery seemed hugely offensive to you, while your continuing to press the "come sit with me" point must have seemed hugely offensive to him.

It sounds like he really meant it when he finally told you that he wanted you to shut up, although doing it where others could hear is indeed shitty, and it also sounds like he means it when he says he doesn't think you two have a future, and that he's not sure he gives a care.

I think it's over between you. It sounds as though you are mismatched to say the least if there has been a history of these incidents, so this is probably for the best in the long run, especially if he is the kind of man who will ridicule your language skills (so not on!). I'm sorry.

I really do think that you may be just being a bit too clingy, a bit too sensitive, and making a mountain out of a molehill here, and I wonder if that is how your partner feels too.