Help before DP waked up please

[HurtingDancingQueen]

Hello all,

I would really appreciate some help with my situation, hopefully some of you will be around before DP wakes up. I have name changed for this as it would out me completely I think and I'd rather not do that.

DP and I had an incredibly nasty and hurtful fight last night and he thinks I am in the wrong, and I would really appreciate someone else's opinion.

We're in our mid-twenties and have been together for around 4 years. We went to a fancy do last night with his friends and colleagues and he got drunk really quickly. Not in a good way but in a bit of a shouty and very show off-ey way. We danced a few times but I didn't want to do all the dances, liked to go back to the table etc in between some of them. Whenever I wanted to sit down, have a drink/chat whatever he would immediately try and find someone else to dance with, telling me he wanted to dance every single time and if I am not up for it then why should he suffer. air enough I guess but I didn't know people there and felt a bit awkward being left all the time, also wanted to obviously spend some quality time with DP. I did't say anything though as I really didn't see it as a big deal (felt a bit childish his whole drunken I need to dance behaviour).

So yeah the night went on, we danced a bit more, he got stuck in my dress and I asked him to be careful as it's an expensive one and it wasn't the first time this had happened that night. He got angry and said 'for fucks sake, I said I am sorry, what else do you want me to do?' (I just asked him to be more careful).

We went back to the table and he asked whether I am mad and I said his whole behaviour had been a bit off that night. Bit of back and forth, he asked whether I wanted to go outside a bit and I said no, I just wanted him to be a bit nicer over all and certainly not swear at me. He started to raise his hand in front of my face whenever I went on to say anything else then and I asked him what that was supposed to mean as it was really rude and seemed like he tried to tell me to shut up. So in front of the whole table he said 'Yes, that's exactly it, I want you to shut up'. I was quite hurt and incredibly embarrassed, these are people I don't know well.

I asked him whether he'd rather I go home then if he doesn't ant to communicate with me and thinks I am being annoying and he said that he doesn't care what I do. So I got my bag, went to the loo, called my friend and she came to pick me up. I didn't have flat keys so I couldn't actually go to my place. He then texted a few times, quite nasty-that he thinks I am in the wrong, he certainly isn't going to play my games and come home now (I didn't ask him but I needed to get away from him and couldn't go back to him after crying in the ladies room).

In the end he sent a text saying he thinks it's best if I stay at friend's place all night and that he is tired, even more drunk and that he is "not sue about our future of us either. At the moment I find it hard to care." and then said that I made everything so much worse by embarrassing him and storming off.

I am now wondering whether I was in the wrong to leave. it seemed to start as such a small thing (me not wanting to dance and asking him to not run off the whole time/be more careful) but he was so drunk it felt like it was all blown out of proportion. And I was so embarrassed and hurt I couldn't face going back to sit with him after being sworn at and told to go home if I want to.

I appreciate it might have been passive aggressive but I was so upset I didn't know what to do and figured maybe cooling off would be good for us. I am now back home, he let me in, but he went straight back to sleep. I guess he is still hungover.

What do I do Do I apologise for basically doing what he told me to do? Should I have gone back and pretend everything is alright after he told me to shut up in front of company? I would have felt like such a walk over if I had done that.
And then him saying he finds it hard to care right now-how am I supposed to interpret that? Does this relationship have any future?

He is usually so caring and I do love him very much, but he can be so nasty and weird when drunk and last night was just too extreme for me to stomach. I mean really, swearing and being nasty over me asking for normal behaviour?

I need someone neutral to tell me what to do when DP wakes up.

Sorry MrsGaff, I cross posted. Like I said in my last post I had met two of his friends beforehand, otherwise I didn't know anyone.

I didn't feel like spoiling the fun, we couldn't afford to get drunk but I was fine not to as I don't drink often anyway.

I didn't start a fight, he asked whether I am mad and I just mentioned what I said in my OP. No one else at the table at that time, whereas they were there when he told me to shut up. I hope the music drowned out enough so people didn't hear. And then I decided to go instead of causing a scene by obviously being upset, having cried and feeling humiliated.

Bloody hell regardless of what the long term plans are I certainly wouldn't be tip toeing around the house waiting for him to get over his hangover.

He has been rude, nasty and a bit of a twat and needs to answer some questions now!

Make some noise, play music loudly and as soon as he drags himself out of his stinking pit demand some bloody answers for his behaviour and his nasty texts!

Thanks hot Damn and Squeaky. Maybe I did cause it? I don't know.

You didn't "cause" his behaviour: only he has that power. Remember that. He is the only person who had the power to open his mouth to tell you to shut up, or to ridicule your language. You never "made" him do that - you can't.

You only have power over your own behaviour. (For example, by talking to people even if you feel insecure, rather than expecting someone else to make you feel better about by some action of their own).

People usually show their true feelings when they are drunk.

I'd have left and probably stay away.

He might have been somewhat right in that you could have used the alone time to get to know other people, for example.
But that's no excuse for swearing or being rude.

He could also have nicely stayed with you once or twice and make you feel more comfortable with the other people, if he knows them.

OP I think it may be decision time here.

Whether it is a compatibility blip or you are both, as Hot has just said, "mismatched".

Good luck honey.

Sounds like he behaved like a git.

Ans also sounds like many people I have encountered after they have been snorting coke.

Possibility?

"I am really not sure who is the most at fault here to be honest."

Really?

It's pretty clear.

OP - it sounds to me like you were being a bit of a pain in the arse, but he stepped over a massive line when he started swearing at you and humiliating you in front of his colleagues.

Yes, that is abusive. I'm sure they were all incredibly embarrassed for him.

You were absolutely right to leave and probably should have gone earlier.

The next move has to come from him and be an abject apology for what SN utter twat he was last night.

Don't enter into any discussion with him until he has done that.

If he doesn't then you need to leave him.

I'm shocked at some of the responses tbh. WHERE is HurtingDancingQueen in the wrong here?

He may have wanted to dance more, but to go straight for the jugular and say I'm dancing with someone else if you won't is SO manipulative.

Sounds like this was a big night, and OP may have been nervous, but had got a posh frock, and made a big effort, thinking it would be a really lovely special night for the pair of them... AND HE BLOODY SABOTAGED IT.

I too thought DRUGS immediately I read the OP.

I will shout over the normally bang on posters that allow you to blame yourself so much as a single iota.

HE SWORE AT YOU, HUMILIATED YOU, MANIPULATED YOU AND IS STILL PISSED OFF WITH YOU FOR HAVING HAD THE CHEEK TO SUGGEST THAT NONE OF THAT WAS ACCEPTABLE.

He did that. HE DID.

You have every right to say, I've had enough, may I sit down. You don't have to drink hard and heavy. To you it wasn't that kind of night.

The very fact that he ridiculed your command of English SCREAMS out that he has NO respect for you and actually doesn't like you very much at all.

IMVHO, you did exactly the right thing in leaving the party, but you should have stayed at your friends for the week and then move to your job.

How DARE he treat you like this? My (abusive) ex used to mime turning down the volume if I ever spoke out of turn. The 'talk to the hand' gesture is actually more aggressive.

Your relationship is finished. You should NEVER allow some dick to treat you like this. Alcohol is no excuse, this guy was competent enough from the start to abuse you.

End it. Now.

Hissy. I agree!

Agree what Hissy said.

He is up now and making himself tea, no attempt to speak to me yet.

I am not sure the English thing was meant in a mean way, he sometimes corrects me at home and I am grateful as it's the only way I will learn, but in company I found it was drawing attention to my mistake and not really appropriate, even though he didn't say it in a mean way. I can sort of see that as a misjudgement to be fair.

I can be a pain in the ass at times, I know that. But I was nervous last night and DP knows I am not good with social situations. He has always known that, I am just shy in general. But I try, I really bloody try because I hate myself for it as well.

Hissy, your post has me in tears. Packing some boxes just now, got a lot to organise before the move. Must stop crying on top of the clothes I am packing though, can't pack them in there all wet.
I am feeling so lost and alone just now.

Has he woken up yet?

He just got up, I can hear him in the kitchen.

Actually I have to say that Hissy has just brought me to my senses here.

People who change like that in drink aren't right love.

You're doing the right thing.

"He may have wanted to dance more, but to go straight for the jugular and say I'm dancing with someone else if you won't is SO manipulative."

OP said it was a ceilidh - it's quite normal at ceilidhs to dance with anyone, not just with your own partner. He could certainly have done it with better grace though. Plus, I for one don't go out just to sit and chat with the person I came out with, why bother going then? So perhaps you were a bit of a party-pooper.

However, that doesn't excuse his aggression and ill-treatment of you ... . DP not DH, no kids... I'd be out of there!

I got to ceilidhs and everyone drinks too much. But they don't get angry and abusive and they don't insist you dance. It is exhausting and, often, very hot and it is supposed to be fun, not a chore. Anyone who is ever abusive when drunk is a massive red flag for me and I applaud you for leaving the party as, I suspect, did many people there.

The bit I can't get past DancingQueen is the utter disrespect-putting his hand up to you like that, god it would have made my blood boil. I've been thinking about what I would do in the light of all you have said and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to forgive. It's so fundamental, the lack of respect. Makes me so angry for you.

Just so you know-it is not normal, it is not your fault, you don't deserve the treatment you got, and he needs a good kick up the arse at the very least.

I am English, but I am fluent in Portuguese.

Most of this is due to the fact that I had a friend in Brazil who was RELENTLESS in correcting me. She wanted me to speak it properly, and my GOD did she correct me.

BUT.....

Never did she do it in front of anyone.

The correction thing, in isolation, is not the issue. It's the WAY he did it and the circumstances that bother me mostly. He not only corrected you, but laughed at you in the process.

That, tbh is enough cause to dump him. The rest of the night is merely banging it home.

he either has an alcohol problem, or an anger problem (although, was be being a dick to just YOU, or was he shitty to everyone?) or an entitlement to treat you like shit problem.

I'm sorry to hear that you are in tears, but cry now, pack now and get out now. Staying will only bring you more tears, and heaven forbid if you had kids with this guy.... you'd be bound to this OAF forever.

((((HUGE HISSY HUG))))

I'm being a bit dumb-are you packing to leave-did I miss that?

PP - she is moving away in a week for work.

DancingQueen, I'm concerned to hear you say you hate yourself.

That, and a fair amount of social anxiety, and being eager upthread to label yourself the "cause" of yesterday's argument.

I know you have a LOT to deal with right now, but would you consider counselling to work on your self-esteem?

No-one should feel hatred for themselves (although sadly many do). Think of your bestest bestest friend: How would you feel if she told you she hates herself? How would you feel if you could have an insight into her brain and saw that she feels as awful within herself as you do? Would you think that she deserves to feel that way and should continue to carry those feelings around? Well, nor should you, sweetheart.

Your current relationship (happily now over, by the sounds of it) sounds unhealthy. I fear that you may have more unhealthy relationships if you continue to believe that you are worthy of hatred. There are plenty of people out there who will take advantage of that; people who will be happy to agree with you and treat you with disrespect.

You deserve to be treated well - by yourself above all.

No I just finished a degree and got a job in another city, so I have to move. Might as well use my angry energy here to do something productive.

I am reading all the comments, sorry if I don't reply right away. It's giving me a lot of food for thought.

I meant that I hate myself for not jumping over my own shadow and be less shy. I just find it hard to be in situations where everyone seems to know each other (or a huge group) and I don't.

I don't mind smaller get togethers, am happy to go to small dos etc, but there were 200 people there yesterday, all standing in small groups and I felt lost. Joining a group is hard for me. But I do make friends, love to go out and have a good time. But I also love to do things by myself, I like to travel alone if I have to, go to the cinema or whatever. So overall I wouldn't say it's social anxiety, but being really shy.

Self-esteem has been an issue lately though, especially during stress full times like the last few weeks before graduation just now, when everything seems to grow over my head.