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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

so confused - is he having regrets???

99 replies

tryingtobestonger · 14/06/2012 20:26

Oh I'm so confused by behaviour of stbxh today. To cut long story short he walked out 8 weeks ago after an 16 month affair and moved in with OW 2 weeks later. We have a DD who is 2.

He arrived to see DD before he went to work and when he walked in he gave me a hug - never does this when he arrives only sometimes when he leaves - and as he hugged me his hand went down and squeezed my bum! I jumped back in shock and told him what he had just done. He looked a bit sheepish and when I asked him if this was an accident he said yes.

He'd been telling me that there was no point in hanging around and we might as well get a quick divorce, he agreed I would have to divorce him for adultery for this to happen which he wouldn't contest. I have been wondering why he wanted a quick divorce though and wondered if he was planning on remarrying.

So....I asked the question. Was shocked when he said 'actually I'm not sure if I do' so I asked if he had realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He said 'not that so much as I didn't realise a lot of the joy I had was spending time with DD and I miss her a lot'.

Now I know that he hasn't said he misses me (but he had said a couple of days ago that he does miss his old life) but it does make me wonder if he is starting to have regrets about leaving. I suppose I probably need a big dose of MN reality check about how I am letting him get away with being an idiot to me but I do miss him so much and would give anything to have him tell me he has made a mistake (even if I didn't take him back). I am reading to much into what he is saying/his accidental actions or is there really more to it????

OP posts:

Xales · 14/06/2012 20:32

I bet he had no trouble keeping his distance and not accidentally saying/doing things when he was living with you and screwing around with OW.

You are reading exactly what he is saying into what he is saying/doing.

That he is trying to keep you dangling on a string just in case OW doesn't work out after the reality of actually living with her for 8 weeks and he needs a fall back plan - you.

He doesn't want to get back with you. He wants you not moving and there in case...

He may even quite fancy sleeping with you. He didn't think twice about having sex with the OW for 16 months so it isn't a huge deal to him is it...

That is my opinion anyway. He is keeping you dangling in case.

Dozer · 14/06/2012 20:35

He thinks he can have you back anytime, and that you would forgive him. If you did, he would think he could be unfaithful and have you too.

AThingInYourLife · 14/06/2012 20:36

Agree with Xales.

Ick at him groping you like that.

That was in its arse a "mistake". He knows you're still dangling and he doesn't want to close that door just in case.

NimpyWindowMash · 14/06/2012 20:46

Agree with others. He is trying it on to see if you are still available, or even seeing if he can turn you into the OW instead of the wife.
Yuck.

KirstyWirsty · 14/06/2012 20:48

Maybe he can only get it up for an OW and you are the planned OW now??

If this doesn't appeal then you need to ensure he knows this is not acceptable and you are not plan B x

SparklyRedShoes · 14/06/2012 20:50

Is he still screwing OW?

doggiemumma · 14/06/2012 20:51

He started an affair when your DD was 4 months old, and walked out on you BOTH when she was 2 - how much more of a reality check do you need? Even if he does want to come back (whih i dont think he does) why would you even want him?

hidingbeneathanamechange · 14/06/2012 20:53

I agree he is keeping his options open. He's hurt you once, don't give him the option of doing so again.

Original poster

tryingtobestonger · 14/06/2012 21:01

Oh god - he is a shit isn't he.....

doggiemumma i know, i know - I shouldn't want him as he has treated me sooo badly. I think I am still in denial of the affair as we had been together for nearly 16 years and he was my best friend/my life and I'm finding it really hard to let go. I am a mess on the days that I see him when the days I don't I am much stronger and think that I can get through this and have a better life without him.

KirstyWirsty thanks for your view. I have just read your thread and wish I was in that place where I could say I wouldn't have him back. You've given me some strength - thank you.

OP posts:

KirstyWirsty · 14/06/2012 21:04

You are worth more and can do better .. but not while he's still hanging about like a bad smell. Good luck!! xx

Abitwobblynow · 14/06/2012 21:06

Please read Kirsty Wirsty's thread: THIS is how you behave. You see, the trouble is he knows you want him back.

She got a text of remorse.

You need to start going out, and enjoying male company. His reaction to this will let you know.

Lueji · 14/06/2012 21:23

You let him hug you?

A cheating sob would barely walk through the door and the groping might get him thrown out.

He wants his cake and to eat it. He is playing you and you might end up being the OW!
You my still live him, but he doesn't love you.
Why would you want him?

Lueji · 14/06/2012 21:24

...may still love him...

AnyFucker · 14/06/2012 21:24

he groped you and now you are hoping for a reconciliation because he has realised his mistake ?

are such tiny crumbs sustenance for you ?

next time his hand strays to your arse, remove it and tell him to keep his fucking mitts to himself

you would be a fool to fall for the manipulations of this dirty chancer

Original poster

tryingtobestonger · 14/06/2012 21:55

AnyFucker yes these tiny crumbs are sadly sustenance for me at the moment. This is just so pathetic isn't it. I really need to move on from the denial of the affair and 'I want him back' to hating him and moving on with my life. As a RL friend said my heart needs to catch up with what has actually happened.

Abit it would be so lovely to start enjoying some male company but really don't know where to start. Everyone I know is married with kids or happily co-habiting. Not ready for internet dating yet and will have a problem with baby sitting.

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 14/06/2012 22:02

Sending you an unmn understanding hug. I knew you were isolated. It just makes it all worse.

He knows he's got you honey - PLEASE work on your self, your sense of self, and your circle of friends.

You know, there is nothing stopping you giving him DD for two weeks whilst you go and do something, you know.

AnyFucker · 14/06/2012 22:04

I am so sorry love

Is one man really worth you compromising your self respect so completely ?

He isn't worth it...he isn't worth the shit on your shoe

Xales · 14/06/2012 22:06

Good grief he has only been gone 8 weeks of course you are still all over the place. Especially after such a long relationship!

Hating him is still giving him access to your thoughts and feelings. He is not deserving of these even the negative ones. You will have moved on when you feel indifference.

Stop having him come into your house and invading your space. Is there any way you can get a third party to do hand overs? Do them somewhere public or open the door push DD out of it and shut it? Your home needs to be your sanctuary and somewhere he cannot go.

Certainly move away so that he cannot touch you and don't ask questions he can give open to interpretation answers too.

You will get there /hugs.

KirstyWirsty · 14/06/2012 22:06

Hey Trying .. Don't rush into another relationship .. you should give yourself some time by yourself and find out who YOU are and what YOU enjoy and what YOU need.. Then you can see if someone else is going to enhance your life that is already great or make it worse.. if it is the latter when move along swiftly.

I am loving being single and am in no rush to meet someone else x

izzyizin · 14/06/2012 22:08

You have a problem with babysitters? Why isn't he looking after his dd on alternate weekends or 1/2 nights a week?

Original poster

tryingtobestonger · 15/06/2012 07:28

And it gets worse - looked at my phone this morning and he had sent me a message at midnight last night saying he had ended it with the OW.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/06/2012 07:34

so ?

KirstyWirsty · 15/06/2012 07:36

You still deserve better .. even.if you want to get back with him he needs to address why he had the affair .. he needs to stay away for a while to do that

Mama1980 · 15/06/2012 07:39

Oh trying he is behaving dreadfully. Why would you want him? Please please work in your self respect and worth -you are worth so much more. You say your heart needs to catch up- well in this case your head is right so ignore your heart sure it hurts but not nearly as much as it will do if you take him back, allow him to continue eroding your self worth when he inevitably does this again. Keep hand over s and contact to a absolute minimum, and no touching! Remember you are worth so much more than any man who would treat you this way x

Original poster

tryingtobestonger · 15/06/2012 07:48

Yes you are all right.

I don't even know why he has ended it and if he even wants to come back. Need to be strong to say this is not an option without a lot of work first if he did. I miss the old DH and have seen a side of this man over the last 8 weeks that I haven't liked so need to keep that in mind. Feel such a mess. Never thought this could happen to me.

I am pleased if he has finished with her as I want them both to be miserable for the misery and heart ache they have caused me.

OP posts:

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