so confused - is he having regrets???

[tryingtobestonger]

Oh I'm so confused by behaviour of stbxh today. To cut long story short he walked out 8 weeks ago after an 16 month affair and moved in with OW 2 weeks later. We have a DD who is 2.

He arrived to see DD before he went to work and when he walked in he gave me a hug - never does this when he arrives only sometimes when he leaves - and as he hugged me his hand went down and squeezed my bum! I jumped back in shock and told him what he had just done. He looked a bit sheepish and when I asked him if this was an accident he said yes.

He'd been telling me that there was no point in hanging around and we might as well get a quick divorce, he agreed I would have to divorce him for adultery for this to happen which he wouldn't contest. I have been wondering why he wanted a quick divorce though and wondered if he was planning on remarrying.

So....I asked the question. Was shocked when he said 'actually I'm not sure if I do' so I asked if he had realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He said 'not that so much as I didn't realise a lot of the joy I had was spending time with DD and I miss her a lot'.

Now I know that he hasn't said he misses me (but he had said a couple of days ago that he does miss his old life) but it does make me wonder if he is starting to have regrets about leaving. I suppose I probably need a big dose of MN reality check about how I am letting him get away with being an idiot to me but I do miss him so much and would give anything to have him tell me he has made a mistake (even if I didn't take him back). I am reading to much into what he is saying/his accidental actions or is there really more to it????

It's not enough for him to live on his own, although this is what you must insist happens. He's got to do something proactive about his character and personality traits and why he was unfaithful. Go to therapy, read some literature, become a better person generally. As for you, it's actually very important to authenticate somehow his story about being the one to end the relationship with the OW. Then watch and see what he does. Make no promises and in fact assume the relationship is still over. You might never be able to forgive such a longstanding betrayal in any case and so you can't make any decisions right now.

It's depressingly common for men who leave for an affair to realise quite quickly that the new relationship isn't what they want, but it is very bad for everyone involved if they are taken back as soon as this realisation hits home. I wouldn't expect you to have any sympathy for the OW who's allegedly been dumped after goodness knows how many promises, but I'd urge you to regard his behaviour towards you both as being part of the same thing. It's extremely selfish behaviour and the only people being controlled in this triangle are the two women.

I understand that you cannot see the OW face to face but I still think it's important to find out the absolute truth about how/why they split. Can you try emailing her, or PM through facebook? You don't need to go into too much detail, keep it short and business like. Jusy say that you have heard that they have split and because of some of the things he has said to you lately you really need to know exactly why they broke up from her side of the story.

You can play on her guilty conscience a bit by saying 'I don't want to get into a slanging match with you about what happened leading up to him leaving, but he is my husband and the father of my child and I need to know the turth about certain things in order to decide how to move forward with my life. I am asking you a favour - I think you owe me that.'

Or something along those lines.

You may find that what she says is rather different to the story he has given you. Hopefully not.

I totally disagree that you should contact the OW.

I did this and, although I was very polite, got an avalanche of abuse back. It really made me feel worse.

I gave XP several chances and after a short while he did the same thing again each time. A leopard doesn't change it's spots. I wouldn't waste my time like that again.

I too had the text at midnight to say he wanted to come home and start again. I took him back because I loved him and I wanted our marriage to work, and for our children to have two parents living together. One friend in particular, who had been a shoulder to cry on when I initially found out about the OW, thought I was crazy to take him back. 16 months later I found out he was still seeing the OW.

He never seemed to acknowledge that he had done anything wrong, and he wasn't particularly sorry. In the end it was easy for me to realise that I deserved better, and I divorced him. But at the time of the text message I was afraid and vulnerable, and I just wanted us to be happy.

For what it's worth, OP, I think that if you take him back he will do it again. He is the one who has lied and cheated. It doesn't matter that you are willing to take the moral high ground and to do the right thing. He is the one who has done wrong and unless he takes steps to address that, I think he will do it again. The only thing for you to consider, in my opinion, is whether you will be strong when that happens.

You won't always feel the way you feel now, OP, and things will get better.

I presume he didn't convince you he really meant what he said then ?

Or he was so convicing you threw caution to the wind, he's currently there picking roast beef out of his teeth and counting the ways in which he's come out of this smelling of roses and contemplating his cock made of gold ?

hmm

I agree with xales, don't have him move straight back in. Give you both some space to work it through and decide if gettig bak is really the right option. Ow thought they were going to make a go of it... He must have behaved a some way to make her think that.

No AnyFucker - no roast beef for him at all!!!!

He has slept on the sofa for 2 nights as his Mum has been staying here with me for a couple of nights. He is currently looking for a room to rent locally so that I can have some space to decide if I want to be in a relationship with him. He has agreed to counselling to see if there is anything we can do to repair the damage he has caused. As his Mum is going home tomorrow he knows he has to stay in a hotel tomorrow night if he has not found somewhere else to live.

We haven't spent much time together as he has been working but is off tomorrow so his Mum will look after DD to give us a chance to sit down and start to talk about things.

I need to make sure what I want is 100% right for me - not just DD. I am still trying to find out if he left OW because he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with her or he left her because he realised he loved me......... I'm sure this one will take a while to come out and as Catrin has said I do not want to be the default/fall guy.

I don't see why he had to be there just because his Mum was.

And those aren't the only two possibilities. The OW could have dumped him. In fact that's highly possible.

I think he'll try to wheedle his way back in. Suddenly there'll be no suitable rooms to rent, he can't afford hotels and since he's already spent two nights on the sofa (how confusing for the children) he will take up squatter's rights on it if you let him.

good for you, love

don't be soft-soaped though

I reckon OW has told him to sling his hook

Or whether it's just that they've had a row and he's charmed you into letting him stay until they make it up...

Or whether they've decided that actually he wants to make a claim to stay in the house, and once he's back in he is just going to make living there intolerable until you move out...

Or whether he quite fancies using your home as a base for a single man lifestyle...

Frankly you'll never know the truth about why he's back, because you can't trust a single word he says. The burden is on him to be honest and upfront and prove his good intentions.

Sternface i only let him stay as his Mum was here otherwise it would have been hotel. He has been up and dressed before DD was up as if he had just arrived. She'd not seen him in the evening as he was working until 10pm. DD is my first concern and we have been doing our best not to make things too different from the last 8 weeks.

Have just heard from a friend who has found him a room to stay in from tomorrow (I know the guy who he'll be sharing with) and he is happy with this so hopefully that will work out and give us the space we need.

I don't know if he ended it like he said or if it was the OW. He says she had been having a go at him that her friends and family kept telling her that he would come back to me eventually and she was trying to get a commitment out of him which he couldn't/wouldn't give. Maybe she did then tell him to sling his hook when he couldn't/wouldn't. He told me she was very shocked that he had ended it as she did think they were going to make a go of it. He's told his Mum more than he has told me about her and sounds like she was quite demanding/controlling and was really having a go at him about how much time he was spending with DD and not with her.

poor diddums

OW turned into a bunny boiler ?

'course she did

His Mum thinks so!

His Mum is also quite biased and trying to make excuses for him too though so typical Mum.

Saying that she has been very supportive of me and has said that I do need to do what I need to do and if I can't take him back she'll understand as can appreciate what he has put me through

his mum is very, very biased and just like you only has his say-so on what the real truth is

you should work on the proviso it's very far from what he actually says it os

is

I'm afraid that this is typical behaviour to start denigrating the OW to the wife. Just like he denigrated you to her for 16 months. And the trouble is, because you hate her with a vengeance (and I completely understand if you do, btw) this will be music to your ears. So you'll believe all these tales about her being 'demanding and controlling' and this dynamic turns you two into a team against the OW. His mum has responded fairly typically too - at heart she probably wants to believe the tale of a wanton woman who turned her precious son into a cheat - so it's in her interests to peddle stories about the OW being a shrew.

The common denominator in these scenarios is that it's always a woman who gets the most blame, while the man in the middle has the luxury of leaving his wife because he knows he's got someone to go to, then later leaving the OW (or not being too downhearted when he's dumped by her) because he er....knows he's got somewhere to go to.

At some level, he must have known there was a fair chance you'd have him back. I strongly suspect he isn't taking this living separately business too seriously and believes that after a while, normal service will be resumed if he says enough of the right things, appears suitably chastened and contrite and promises never to do it again.

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh on you. The last 8 weeks must have been as grim as hell and you're probably still in shock about the whole thing. I'd completely understand it if a large part of you is hoping that you can resume your marriage and put this behind you, but I'd really urge you to take your time with this.

It's understandable in this phase to feel like you've won back a prize, but try to stand back and be as objective as you can about the triangle I've mentioned above and especially the one person who is sitting pretty and unscathed at the top of it. It would be too much to expect you to sympathise with the OW's predicament here and it's true to say she knew the score, but do take with a large pinch of salt these tales about her behaviour. He's got a lot invested in you believing all that and acting like a victim with the two most important women in his life; you and his Mum.

Men will often say that they are pleasantly surprised when the women they've failed end up blaming their fellow women more than they blame the men whose responsibility it was to treat them with consideration. Try not to fall into that trap and urge your MIL not to do so either.

Take your time and watch for actions, not words. Try to find out the truth of their break-up. See what he does in terms of self-help and wanting to become a better person himself rather than for the reward of getting his marriage and assets back. Start focusing on you and your life now. Make changes. Do some things you've always wanted to do, that you might have sacrificed for your relationship. See friends, take up new hobbies, kick-start your career.

If you do all this, you might not want him back but if you do and he comes back from this period a reformed character, then you'll have a better life anyway.

that is brilliant advice, I really hope you heed it

Agree with sternface's post. Makes a lot of sense.

Thank you sternface not harsh at all but realistic and the way I need to go to protect myself from further hurt. I had actually started to be ok being on my own and my family and friends had been ensuring I was getting out and about. I had so many plans over the next few weeks that I would not have had had I still been in a relationship with him and I am not going to cancel a thing just because he wants to come back.

I'm really glad you understood that I was on your side in my post!

And very glad that you intend to fulfil all your arrangements and that you've been getting lots of support. You just cannot lose by having a life that is not dependent on your husband for happiness because if he really does make the necessary changes, it will mean creating a new relationship where your own aspirations and ambitions are not put on hold because of your relationship and this is something he will need to get used to and encourage.

The best relationships after affairs start with the relationship the faithful partner has with her/himself, putting themselves first for a change and having higher expectations of the other partner - and of life itself.

And if he never does 'get this' and do the necessary work on himself, your life will still be better in many ways than it was before he went off the rails.

Are you sure he's not doing this to punish OW in some way Trying ?

She goes on at him about how is going to come back to you and, lo and behold, he does. Not enough to finish with her, but to show her that he was always going to go back to you. He's ended up killing 2 birds with one stone here, he keeps you hanging on and shows her that if she dares to think the worst of him, he'll prove just how little she means to him too.

Sounds like an arsehole to me sorry.

Absolutely what sternface has said.

Given his shenanigans, I suggest you go ahead and divorce him for adultery - and don't be tempted to engage in any hanky panky with him until the Judge's gavel has called time on your marriage.

If he wants to get back with you after you've got your Absolute, it'll have to be the whole kit and caboodle.

Courtship, engagement, wedding - new rings opportunity, honey

You don't love him. You don't miss him. I know you think you do BUT

You love and miss the person you thought he was before you found out about him having a 16 month affair which he started when his baby was 4 months old.

You need time to grieve for that man you thought existed who wasn't a cheat or a selfish git. You can't have him back, he doesn't exist.

The person who wants to have a relationship with you now (or at least a comfy place to sleep and not to be alone anymore) is the type of person who would cheat on his wife and baby daughter for 16 months, move in with another woman and then decide that the grass isn't greener, flirt with his wife behind other woman's back and try to move back in with his wife, at least until something better comes along.

If you had never had a relationship with him in the past, ask yourself: Is that the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with? (or at least, is that the person you want to live with waiting for the next time something 'better' comes along) Is that the example of a relationship that you want your daughter to grow up with? You want her to believe that women should be so grateful to have a man in their lives that they should put up with cheating, lying gits?

Like the posters above, I don't expect you to sympathise with the other woman. But his treatment of her is similar to his treatment of you and your daughter (and quite possibly his treatment of his mother) because he thinks his needs and whims are more important than that of the women around him.

He's not the man you thought he was. Its tempting to take him back because he looks and sounds like the non-cheating spouse you thought you had. If you do decide to start a relationship with this imposter, then you need to do it with the full understanding that it will never be the same, because he is not that man you admired and trusted.

If you didn't have a history with him, if he wasn't the father of your daughter, is this new, much less admirable human being* be someone you would want to start a relationship with?

*16 MONTHS, Starting from when his gorgeous DD was 4 months old and his wife needed him more than ever! I know we are all flawed, but I don't know how he could ever make it up to you, how you could ever trust him again, how on earth could you be sure that he wouldn't let you down when you need him again.