so confused - is he having regrets???

[tryingtobestonger]

Oh I'm so confused by behaviour of stbxh today. To cut long story short he walked out 8 weeks ago after an 16 month affair and moved in with OW 2 weeks later. We have a DD who is 2.

He arrived to see DD before he went to work and when he walked in he gave me a hug - never does this when he arrives only sometimes when he leaves - and as he hugged me his hand went down and squeezed my bum! I jumped back in shock and told him what he had just done. He looked a bit sheepish and when I asked him if this was an accident he said yes.

He'd been telling me that there was no point in hanging around and we might as well get a quick divorce, he agreed I would have to divorce him for adultery for this to happen which he wouldn't contest. I have been wondering why he wanted a quick divorce though and wondered if he was planning on remarrying.

So....I asked the question. Was shocked when he said 'actually I'm not sure if I do' so I asked if he had realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He said 'not that so much as I didn't realise a lot of the joy I had was spending time with DD and I miss her a lot'.

Now I know that he hasn't said he misses me (but he had said a couple of days ago that he does miss his old life) but it does make me wonder if he is starting to have regrets about leaving. I suppose I probably need a big dose of MN reality check about how I am letting him get away with being an idiot to me but I do miss him so much and would give anything to have him tell me he has made a mistake (even if I didn't take him back). I am reading to much into what he is saying/his accidental actions or is there really more to it????

16 months his affair went on for. 16 months, when you had a very young child.

He lied to you throughout what should have been the happiest, most important time in your marriage, and the time when you needed his support and his love the most. He has insulted you and insulted your daughter. FOR 16 MONTHS!!!

I'm sorry, but he doesn't get to have second thoughts now. If he is only just realising that he has blown it in the Perfect Father department then that is his problem, not yours.

I think if you take him back he will do this to you again. Without a doubt.

I agree Ma'am If trying takes him back he will just see it as licence to do as he pleases and she will let him away with it

Or perhaps she ended it with him ? Perhaps it's no fun anymore, and she wants rid - now he's stuck, and thinks he can worm back into your life with an arse grope and mealy-mouthed platitudes about missing his daughter ( the one that he misses so much , he's spent over half her lifetime shagging another woman in his spare time.)

I agree with a lot of the earlier comments. I'm going to add... keep him away if his presence in your home is making you doubt yourself. Tell him that you'll deal with access arrangements through a solicitor and that you can't see him in the meantime. Your DD won't notice he isn't there.

It's understandable if you're weakening after 8 weeks and looking for signs of remorse or reconciliation. There are few things worse than loneliness. However, one of those things is falling for the flannel and accepting a cheating partner back into your life. I did exactly that many years ago and, after a very short time, regretted what I'd done, hated him and hated myself in the process.

So stay strong, keep him well away from your home and good luck

You can see how this one will pan out...

"I knew I couldn't live a lie with her when it's you I really love" blah blah blah.....

Worms way back in.

"but I love him and he is such a good daddy and he is trying"

3 years later......another post on here with suspicions of cheating...

Just remember.......16 months. Not a quick snog in a pub or a one night stand. 500 days of being with someone else. The novelty wears off and he is bored....you are better than that and deserve more.

It's just a text, can you believe him?
He's lied to you consistently for almost 2 years yet you're willing to believe a text sent at midnight?
It could be desperation if ow has kicked him out.
Don't let him use your loving nature against you again.

Even if it's true and you do want him back it's far too soon for that to happen. You need to accept what he's done and let it settle before you make any decisions.

He needs to show that he'll move heaven and earth to win back your trust, if that is even possible!

You need to think about working on your self esteem. What about hobbies, work/training, friends?

Do little things for yourself - make sure you do nice things when your DD is with ex.

Re access - your ex needs to take DD out of the house, do not let him in the house.

Its your home, not his. You do not need him polluting it and trying it on with you - that grope sounds yukky.

You need to be more detached - do not reply to his texts if these are not about DD.

Remember that you and DD are in for a life of misery if you let him come back - stay strong!

HI trying

Sorry to hear that you are having all this stress.

The feelings you are having are all normal and relevant to whats going on, the key is to accept this is how you feel now, and in the next few weeks months they are going to change. Just because you have these emotions and thoughts doesnt mean you have to act on them, yes you want him back yes its normal, your grieving for what you think youve lost, which might be a different view to what he thinks.

Dont beat yourself up all the time, when it hits you hard accept it let it come, deal with it, but tell it and I mean litterally out loud if you must, youve had ya five minutes, now the ironing or insert relevant chore,wine,child here. Its early days yet babe, but dont get stuck in denial, if need be re read your posts on here for affirmation of what a shite he is. bare in mind like the rest of us will tell you it does get better, but it cant be rushed, and to cut yourself some slack now and again.

x

HE IS A TOTAL SHIT BUM

kill him

I got back with my ex after 4months of being apart and he left his bit on the side to come back to me, I was so happy for about a month and then ta daaa ! Back to his usual shitty behaviour he didn't want the responsibility of a family and me

Please don't do it it will delay you moving on, instead empower your self by getting your friends around you a lot, meet one everyday if you can, just for a short time while this period of mourning for your relationship is going on, I'm sure you rl friends don't want you to get back with him

You will meet someone who would never do this to you in a million years if you gave yourself a social life ( I agree you should be socialising when your ex has your dd )

Good luck you are being strong and i know it's hard !

maleview I totally concur but I reckon it will be much less than 3 years...

OP My shitbag ex behaved exactly like yours - and I was exactly like you, in denial, crumbs keeping me going, texts saying he had ended it. Left when DD was a baby. I got back with him too, but next time (it wasn't OW, I was just fed up of his crappy, disrespectful attitude) I was the one to end it and I didn't look back. He has someone else now but still tries it on in text messages - not to my face though, he wouldn't dare.

The best thing is when you realise you are worth more than this, that even if he really had ditched the OW you could never, ever trust him again and you are so much happier without him.

I know my ex will never change. But I have. A lot, and I am so much happier for it.

Please tell him that the door is now closed. You don't want him back because of the way he has treated you and the fact that you will never be able to trust him again.

Move on. You will meet someone else who is more deserving of the lovely you I promise!

Best of luck. x

He misses his daughter and thinks he can undo everything he has done so that he can see we more. He's wrong, he's made his bed, make him lie in it and you move onto to a life you deserve. Don't let him hurt you twice.

He has called and does want to come home. Asked if it was for DD or for me. He said me as he loved me (gosh it's taken him a long time to realise).

Going to talk again when he has finished work. Trying very hard to be even stronger - don't think I could go through all of this all over again.....

16 month affair

Moved in with her.

Just keep that in mind and don't talk to him about going back.

Can I suggest you ask him to move elsewhere for a few months at least. No contact with OW and the pair of you have total frank open discussions where he tells you everything you need to know.

Go back to basics and start counselling talk everything through before you allow him back in the house.

It is very unfair on your DD (as well as you) for this man to come whistling with his hands in his pockets and a happy grin as if he has done sweet fuck all wrong. It will confuse her and break her little heart again if you do not go through this process properly and are very sure he is not going to just fuck anyone else and wander off when he feels like it.

If he is not willing to do this properly, get to the root of why he felt entitled to cheat, treat you like shit and break your heart and your little DD's your attempts at a reconciliation will not work.

If you don't care enough for your own heart I am sure you care enough for hers to make sure this is done right.

Oh OP, think long and hard about this. There is every possibility he will do it again. How would you feel then? Even worse I would think.

I would not be speaking to him after work.

Shagging another woman for 16 months = zero respect for you

Sorry, but it's the truth. :(

I wish WWIFN was here, if I remember right, her DH moved in with OW for a while before coming to his senses.

It IS possible to recover OP, I speak from experience, but you do need him to be completely accountable, prepared for total openness, and address the reasons within himself that he allowed this to happen. 16 months is a very long time though.

In order to know that he means business you need to ascertain the following:

Is he still living with the OP? Is he prepared to leave her and live on his own for a while to win back your trust, or does he just want to move seamlessly from one to the other? Be very wary if he will only agree to a situaion that is nice and easy for him and he doesn't have to make any sacrifices/

Has he already split from her and is it his decision or hers? You should speak to her and find out. If she has dumped him he might just be feeling sorry for himself. If she hasn't dumped him then has she got any idea how he still feels about you? If he really thought leaving was a mistake he'd tell her, wouldn't he?

If he means what he says then I would expect him to move out of her place even if you refuse to take him back. If he still loves you then he should not be prepared to just settle for her if you refuse to take him back.

16 months is a very long time to lie to someone, at your stage in a marriage. A very long time. Be careful.

There is an upside to his move now, though.

Instead of feeling rejected by him and his affair, you have gained the upper hand and you can now reject him.
:o

And get your self esteem back.

If you allow him back, you are feeding his ego and telling him it's ok to cheat on you.

At the very least he should go through months of grovelling and gaining your trust back. If you ever can trust him again.
It was not a one off.

No, it was counting's DH that moved in with his OW.

Hopefully she'll be here with some useful advice.

Thanks AThing, wasn't sure if I was correct, counting's posts are always very wise too.

Yes Lueji I do feel like I have the upper hand now and it feels good!

I had discussed a similar scenario to that suggested by Xales with a RL friend. I cannot forget or sweep under the carpet the way he has made me feel the last 8 weeks but at the same time I cannot tell him to sling his hook without at least hearing him out and thinking about giving him another chance.

HerMaj he tells me that it was him who finished it with OW and it was like a bolt out of the blue for her ? she thought they were really going to make a go of it?. I don?t feel it is appropriate (at the moment anyway) for me to speak to her as I think it would probably just end up as a cat fight and I will not lower myself to that.

I hope that the conversation we are going to have tonight will show if he is prepared to move in somewhere on his own. He is fundamentally quite lazy and it will be interesting to see if this laziness does kick in to result in him not doing this in which case I?ll be telling him to take a hike?.he is going to have to work bloody hard if he wants to work things out with me and we are going to have to start all over again. I will not risk this happening again to me and certainly not to DD as she will be getting old enough to understand more of what is going on.

I will have a look at Counting?s posts now ? thanks for the recommendations.

trying am in a v similar position to you. H moved out 10 weeks ago. Since then, I have had the whole range of emotions from him - he misses me, he wants his life back, he misses dd and it is not good for her to live like this...
The point is, he left. A lovely friend of mine told me that women cry during the breakup, men do it afterwards and it is so true. We know what they will lose, they only do when it is gone.

I assume you are feeling as I felt - that I would never, ever move on. I did and I have. I had a year of trying to fix it - I couldn't, he left. Now... indifference. I love him, of course I do, we were together for 16 years, married for 12. But, now, I don't actively want him. That does take a bit of time, but, when I got to that point, around the time he left, I felt nothing but crushing indifference. I get the xx at the end of texts - he may as well be sending it to the milkman. Could not care less. A part of me will always love him I think - we shared and had so much. But I want and deserve so much more. And he is not part of that.
I am sure he does miss you. Because you are his old life, the comfortable familiar. Do you really want to be the default position? Every time he screws up, it's fine, because you will be there? Value yourself and your child more. Do not be the fall back, because otherwise, he knows he can do as he pleases and you will be there to catch him when it falls through.