so confused - is he having regrets???

[tryingtobestonger]

Oh I'm so confused by behaviour of stbxh today. To cut long story short he walked out 8 weeks ago after an 16 month affair and moved in with OW 2 weeks later. We have a DD who is 2.

He arrived to see DD before he went to work and when he walked in he gave me a hug - never does this when he arrives only sometimes when he leaves - and as he hugged me his hand went down and squeezed my bum! I jumped back in shock and told him what he had just done. He looked a bit sheepish and when I asked him if this was an accident he said yes.

He'd been telling me that there was no point in hanging around and we might as well get a quick divorce, he agreed I would have to divorce him for adultery for this to happen which he wouldn't contest. I have been wondering why he wanted a quick divorce though and wondered if he was planning on remarrying.

So....I asked the question. Was shocked when he said 'actually I'm not sure if I do' so I asked if he had realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. He said 'not that so much as I didn't realise a lot of the joy I had was spending time with DD and I miss her a lot'.

Now I know that he hasn't said he misses me (but he had said a couple of days ago that he does miss his old life) but it does make me wonder if he is starting to have regrets about leaving. I suppose I probably need a big dose of MN reality check about how I am letting him get away with being an idiot to me but I do miss him so much and would give anything to have him tell me he has made a mistake (even if I didn't take him back). I am reading to much into what he is saying/his accidental actions or is there really more to it????

Brilliantly put Spirited.

I think it is always good to step back and take off the rose tinted specs. Things often look different in the cold hard light of day.

My XP bleated about what a hard time his DW had given him. When I started seeing him he told me had split with her. He was in fact still with her and I didn't realise until much later down the line. Six months into our relationship, he was bleating to her about what a mad old witch I was. When she wouldn't have him back he was confiding in another OW who he then claimed (a short while later) was stalking him. He was playing us all off against each other. I feel well rid. Thankfully I now have a lovely DH. Just wish I hadn't wasted so much time on that sleeze ball....

'He's not the man you thought he was. Its tempting to take him back because he looks and sounds like the non-cheating spouse you thought you had...'

Spirited, I've read similar advice in the past and never really got it before; but reading your post now, about eighteen months down the line for me, it finally makes perfect sense. The person you think/thought you loved and knew inside out is revealing a completely different side of their personality, albeit one that's lain dormant until now. But once you know it's there, you can't 'un-know' it, however well they try to brush over it...

spirited excellent post, this is exactly how I feel, grieving for the man I thought he was, as he has turned into somebody else. It takes time to accept that they are no longer the man that you fell in love with

izzyizin when I first read your post on Monday I thought this was a bit extreme but as the week has gone on I am beginning to think this is a good idea as I really think he is taking the piss out of me.

He moved out of the OW's house on Monday and into a temporary place but thinks he has found somewhere more permanent from next week for a minimum of 3 months. Of course he is storing his stuff here.....

He agreed with me that it was best for him to not have any contact with the OW for my sake but also because 'he' needed to move on. Cut a long story short I am able to see his phone bill online and can see for the last couple of days he has been sending 50-60 texts to her a day. I didn't even get one yesterday! He doesn't know I have access to this but I did ask him if they were in contact when I spoke to him on the phone a couple of days ago and he said 'well yes but just friendly texts'........ WTF he can't even send me a text to ask how DD is but can send her so many in a day???!!!!!

Am feeling very low now as seeing he is really taking advantage of my good nature (has even asked if he can borrow my car to move his stuff from one flat to the other). I was really getting into a better place and accepting that my life would go on despite him living with the OW. Now he has left her I just fell like I am back in limbo again.

One things I am worried about - can anyone tell me when deadline for divorcing him for adultery will be? Discovery of the affair was March and solicitor advised while he was living with her I didn't need to worry about the 6 month deadline as he was still commiting it. So would that mean I have 6 months from when he moved out or still from discovery???

Thank you for all your support so far - I have just reread the thread to try and gain some strength from it and to remind myself what a shit he is.

Hi there. Glad you are feeling stronger. It does help to retread the thread and remind yourself why you don't need that person in your life any more...

My H texted his mates wife 100 times a day "as friends" well nobody texts their friends 50-100 times a day.... Don't take any bullshit from him. That level of contact isn't just friends..

Stay strong!

I am not a legal expert, but it doesn't sound right about the six month deadline not counting if the adultery is ongoing. Is your solicitor a divorce law specialist?

Mm, actually, on a quick reading-up on the subject, the sol probably is right; but if he moves back in that would change things again, probably not to your advantage.

He's not going to move back in for at least 3 months IF we work on getting back together which he very much needs to lead by firstly stopping all contact with OW in which case I wouldn't be divorcing him.......but in the meantime as I am snooping and know what he is up to and it is completely unacceptable I think I should continue with getting on with divorce.

Feel in such limbo :(

He shouldn't be having any contact with her at all. Never mind 50 texts a day.
I've seen this happen to a close friend. Her not so 'D'H went back and forth from OW to my friend again, utterly lying to them both. It turned out that he did still rather fancy OW, but he missed the DC's and couldn't live with the guilt, so he tried to revert to being married and cheating. He kept them both on a string for months. Actually for all I know and I do suspect that he's still doing it as he's back with my friend now in the marital home after leaving her twice already.

Do NOT do him any favours. Do NOT be nice to him in any way.
As for the 6month thing, I believe that doesn't matter if you are separated. It's only taken into accoutn if you're still livng together as man and wife. But you can do him for Unreasonable Behaviour anyway. The courts (assuming you''re in England) dont' take into account whether it was adultery or not when making financial or child care provisions.

This just shows that it's a pack of lies that he ended the relationship with the OW. More likely she ended the relationship and it's taking him 50-60 texts a day to get her back on side. No-one send this many texts to a woman he doesn't want a relationship with.

And you've got yet more evidence that he's still lying to you. And her, of course.

Press on with divorce and get his stuff out of your house. No more favours any more.

I am still trying to find out if he left OW because he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with her or he left her because he realised he loved me

It sonds to me like it's neither, I think she has thrown him out.

he isn't "working on it" with you if he is sending any texts to the OW, never mind the sheer volume of them

keep on with the divorce plans, love

yes, she chucked him

OP, why are your initial knee jerk actions always with him shown in a good (or better) light ?

there is no good light to this behaviour he is demonstrating

My word... 50/60 texts a day to the OW... 'friendly texts' my arse.

You need to speak to the OW to try and get some truth. I'd bet my bottom dollar that shes kicked him out and he's begging to get back with her, whilst telling you the same thing hoping that one of you will put a roof over his head

You deserve so much better.

And I wonder why he does not want you to contact her....?

Because you will find out the truth, perchance?

This man does not love you, he is trying to get her back while keeping the home fires burning.

It is all about him, you and DD are nothing but a safety net.

Honestly I think you really should divorce him and minimise contact. If you take him back he will do it time and time again, because he knows he can.

You deserve so much better.

Hi trying, just thought I'd share what happened to me with the OW and hope you can take something from it.

I had my ex do this for 3 years, telling me he was sorting out the problems and it was totally over with her blah blah, except it carried on the whole time. The real deal breaker came when she was pregnant with his child. I refused contact. That was 2 years ago.

Yes I still love him, but I have learned to live my life. They still have problems even with a child now, they live apart and don't have the great relationship they thought they had.

Even though I've had no contact for 2 years, ex sent a message through one of the kids recently saying basically that he STILL wanted to come back (not a chance).

You have to do what is right for you and dc but it does seem that he is keeping you as a back-up plan for when things go wrong with her, which they inevitably will because she will never be what he fantasised she was, and deep down, what man wants to be with a woman with zero morals, and from her point of view, she will always be scared he will leave her too.

Take time for yourself x

Anyfucker I know, I know, I know. No good light at all. I think I want someone to come on here and tell me that he's not actually too bad, this will all work out as they took their DH back and it worked out ok.

Why? In RL I have always been a strong, independent woman who doesn't take any crap. This shit hits the fan and I've turned into an emotional wreck who still wants the man who has treated her like a peice of shit on his shoe.

I am being as weak as he is and he probably knows it so it completely taking advantage of my good nature. I can see this and would be telling someone else to bin him straight away but it's easier said than done.

This is just consuming my whole life at the moment. I work from home so don't really have any time where I can escape my life and be with people who don't know whats going on. I have wonderful Mummy friends around me so life is full of playgroups and play dates so I'm pretty busy everyday but with my friends this is all I can talk about. When I'm at home I'm on Mumsnet reading other peoples experiences or on the phone to DM or MIL talking about it. Poor DD is watching so much Cbeebies as I just can't find the enthusiam to do exciting things with her. I even feel like a terrible Mum at the moment as this is the time in her life when she is starting to talk and asborb so much I know she should be getting more attention from me but I just can't stop obsessing about my situation.

I just want this horrible nightmare to end and some normality and happiness to come back into my life.

I am so sorry, love. You don't sound like a terrible mum. You sound like someone that needs to try very, very hard to detach from the mindfucks you are being dealt.

Keep talking on here, we are all on your side x

trying - I know how you feel. i work from home too mainly, i do go out to clients premises as well sometimes. When my H first walked out, it was all I could talk about with my friends, family, the cat, anybody who would listen! and also addicted to mumsnet, or chatting to friends on facebook night after night. Now, almost 3 months on, I find myself relaxing more of an evening, watching some tv, maybe reading a book. It no longer consumes my every waking moment.

Now that I can accept what a complete and utter tosser my H is for walking out on his daughter, it is easier to accept that he is not here. I also went to the doctor and got some anti-depressants and that really helped me to stop obsessing about everything and stopped me from crying all the time.

Your DD needs you and I know its not easy, this is why I went to the doctors, to get back on an even keel for my DD who is 4. She has picked up far too much from what I have said to friends, so now I have to watch what I say.

Keep yourself busy with friends, go to the park etc and your DD will be fine. Keep on posting here to vent to us. I too would have done anything to keep my marriage together and taken my H back, but now I have got to the point that I wouldnt have him back if he came begging. and you will get to that point to, in time.

Are you keeping copies of the phone bill which shows the txts. Can you cut and paste or just save the website on your pc just in case you need it in the future.

Skye i was almost in this place but him leaving the OW has made me take about 20 steps backwards. I saw the Dr the week before and we had agreed that I didn't need anti-depressants but counselling to work on my self-esteem was more important. I wonder if now things have changed I should go back. I am a little concerned about them as they made my Mum feel really poorly.

Mayisout yes I am!

I'm having counselling too through the local children's centre but the doctor did recommend that I went to relate on my own. I don't want to sound like a happy pill pusher lol. They have been a godsend for me but I understand that they arent for everyone.

I'm sorry that you have been set back by what's happened , I would have been the same if my H had come running back in the early days. At the end of the day it's your life and your relationship and you have to follow your heart sometimes. I did that, it didn't work for me but it is your path to follow.

He is breaking his agreement not to contact OW. He is still attached to her.

You need to think about your own sanity and welfare and this means moving on from him and getting a divorce.