Scared and confused

[Backtobedlam]

Hi all, I hope it's ok to post on here and get some of your advice. I'm completely shaken and confused and have no idea where to turn next.

I have been with dp for many years, we have 2 children and were planning to get married this year. We've had our ups and downs, he has a very bad temper and has lost it on quite a few occasions but last night has left me flumuxed!

He was out most of the afternoon drinking with friends, got home had dinner and went to bed. I came up a lot later and went to charge my phone, as I unplugged his it lit up 'missed call x' i passed him his phone and asked who x was...he then came up with 3 different stories in the space of a few minutes so I questioned him more as was completely confused as none of it added up. He kept saying 'leave me alone I'm half asleep, we'll talk later' but by now I was pretty upsett so pushed and pushed for more answers. Suddenly he lost it-he was whacking me round the head with pillows (it sounds comical but really wasn't) and telling me I was a 'f*ing idiot' right up in my face, and just kept repeating it. I was in tears cowering away from him and really scared.

Once he'd stopped and calmed down he told me that I had to leave, he was cancelling the wedding as it wasnt right how angry I made him, he works hard and gives me everything, and I just give him grief. I cried myself to sleep and when I got up this morning he has totally ignored me and gone off to work.

What do I do? Was I wrong to question him? He told me I was like a 14yr old school kid, and he's allowed to have friends, and that he can't stand me accusing him. I thought I was just asking as it was someone I hadn't heard of, and hadn't wanted to go to bed wondering about it all night. Maybe I was too confrontational? I don't know what he will say when he comes home-if he kicks me out (it's his house) I have nowhere to go with the children. I can't talk to anyone in RL as to the outside world we have the perfect life-if I tell someone and then he comes home and forgives me I will have ruined everything.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT!

Please give a few more details about your living arrangements and some of the ladies here no everything there is to know about what to do in this situation.

Hold on hun.

no Know

Excellent. He's called off the wedding and left the house. Pack up you and kids and get the f* out.

This time it was with a pillow, next time it will be with his fists.

He owns the house, I moved in at a later date and we have since had 2 children together-everything is in his name, and we are unmarried. I don't know how it has come to this-I love him and our family so much and try so hard.

That's the actions of a guilty man. He assaulted you. He should be looking for you to forgive him, not you looking for him to forgive you. You did nothing wrong but ask who the person was on his phone. His was the over reaction. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you are the fall guy for his wrong doing? You do know you always will be if you accept this sort of behaviour from him, don't you? I would reconsider that wedding if I was you.

Do you have someone you and the kids can stay with? Parents, friends?

He hit you and blamed you.

Get the locks changed.

He's in the wrong not you. It is never acceptable to hit someone you love under any circumstances.

Use the Domestic Violence links above your post to help you sort out the practicalities, and do please keep posting - no matter what course of action you decide on, you will get support here from people who care and understand.

OP, he was wrong to whack you with pillows, and you may want to leave him, but you also come across as clingy and obsessive - you sheould have respected the fact that he was tired and half asleep as he did say you will talk next day - you do need to gather some dignity and control yourself. You could have waited till next morning, and it's unhealthy to obsess about a call to the point that you couldn't sleep. You must try to get some life outside the house for yourself, whether with this patner or the new one - nobody deal with extreme clingyness/paranioa well (I don't mean by being violent, but they could just get up and leave)!

He physically assaulted you, honey. It may have been with pillows but, as has been expressed by others, next time he may use his fists.

Contact www.womensaid.org.uk and get yourself and your dc into a refuge prior to being rehoused in accomodation that will be in your name only.

I have family that would take us in but that would be all of us in a shared room. We wouldn't be on the streets, but it wouldn't be a solution for more than a few nights.

Than use that few nights and follow the link that izzyizin posted www.womensaid.org.uk. Don't even tell the jerk you're leaving. Trust me on this. My ex started off with pillows and light pushes.

or maybe the bloke works very hard and he was knackered trying to sleep, and she was pestering and pestering - he did offer to talk the next day, NOT unreasonable. Obviously he was wrong also to lose it, but it's unfair to say OP is blameless, they may well drive each other up the wall, so best to split up in that case.

As the house is in her dp's name, the OP will be acting unlawfully if she changes the locks, Pidgin.

Likeatonneofbricks, she only asked him who the person was. He could have given a simple true answer no matter how half asleep. The truth comes out easilyy. He couldn't answer because his brain was asleep and he couldn't think to make up a convincing lie, so he got cross and assaulted her instead.

His behaviour is totally unreasonable. Does he normally lose his temper like this?

I dont care how tired he is; I dont care how much she 'pestered' him- he assaulted her. There is no justification for that. She is lucky that it was only pillows this time.

OP he owes you a massive apology- I doubt you will get one.

I would start making plans to be elsewhere with the DC. Go and stay in that room. It is a terrifying prospect but your children do not deserve to grow up with this.

Yes - I agree. Please leave to go to a family member, contact womens aid. They will have had every conceivable situation before and THEY WILL help you.

This cannot be put off. You have been left with no choice. Please pack some bags today and leave. You need to be away from him.

I want to know why the OP was obsessing over who had rung, if she doesn't trust him then she should not be getting married to him.
If she does trust him and it was just insane curiousity on her part, I can partially understand his reaction. Yes it was wrong to react the way he did , and I'm not excusing it but many people react with extreme bad temper when woken in that manner, for something he considered unimportant, and fuelled by the OP's curiousity.

I think the OP asked who it was out of curiosity but because his reaction was odd she felt she needed to query it! Nothing unusual there really if a story doesn't make sense.

OP was scared. OP was told to leave. He blames her for how angry she makes HIM???
All these are red flags to me.....I was brought on forgive and forget but this to me is the top of a slippery slope toward OP being in the wrong, making partner have an affair, making him hit her.....

oldwoman, that's my point too - even if it's something untoward (this call) he would have explained next day, OP must really mistrust him to be so worried that she couldn't wait till the morning. I get very upset and angry if very tired and someone tortures me by pestering with some talk - yes, no excuse for physically lashing out, but was there an option to lock her out of the room? sound like she just wouldn't let it go as she wanted to know RIGHT NOW, and it's very immature. He does provide for her and kids and has a right to rest. He's wrong and needs to admit it, but she's also hard to deal with - maybe they are wrong for each other.

That was a cross post, izzy. I retract that bit.

He was too tired to answer but had all the energy and will to assault her.

He only had to hand his phone to her if he couldn't be bothered to answer. He chose not to do that and let her fret instead. Prick

btw he may have come up with false stories because he didn't want to say he has a female friend knowing OP would start immediately digging more and being mistrustful - and he was too tired for that. Sounds like he planned to explain in detail next day. But this doesn't mean that he's having an affair at all!