Scared and confused

[Backtobedlam]

Hi all, I hope it's ok to post on here and get some of your advice. I'm completely shaken and confused and have no idea where to turn next.

I have been with dp for many years, we have 2 children and were planning to get married this year. We've had our ups and downs, he has a very bad temper and has lost it on quite a few occasions but last night has left me flumuxed!

He was out most of the afternoon drinking with friends, got home had dinner and went to bed. I came up a lot later and went to charge my phone, as I unplugged his it lit up 'missed call x' i passed him his phone and asked who x was...he then came up with 3 different stories in the space of a few minutes so I questioned him more as was completely confused as none of it added up. He kept saying 'leave me alone I'm half asleep, we'll talk later' but by now I was pretty upsett so pushed and pushed for more answers. Suddenly he lost it-he was whacking me round the head with pillows (it sounds comical but really wasn't) and telling me I was a 'f*ing idiot' right up in my face, and just kept repeating it. I was in tears cowering away from him and really scared.

Once he'd stopped and calmed down he told me that I had to leave, he was cancelling the wedding as it wasnt right how angry I made him, he works hard and gives me everything, and I just give him grief. I cried myself to sleep and when I got up this morning he has totally ignored me and gone off to work.

What do I do? Was I wrong to question him? He told me I was like a 14yr old school kid, and he's allowed to have friends, and that he can't stand me accusing him. I thought I was just asking as it was someone I hadn't heard of, and hadn't wanted to go to bed wondering about it all night. Maybe I was too confrontational? I don't know what he will say when he comes home-if he kicks me out (it's his house) I have nowhere to go with the children. I can't talk to anyone in RL as to the outside world we have the perfect life-if I tell someone and then he comes home and forgives me I will have ruined everything.

Don't be sorry, MissF. You are showing compassion that is all.

If I was so, so wrong about something I would want to be told in no uncertain terms. And I was. You should have seen some of the pastings I got when I first started posting in the Relationships and FWR boards. All of them completely deserved.

You're probably right - I wish I'd never even asked in the first place. Next time I won't

I sincerely hope that the only reason you won't be asking again is that you've got yourself and your dc well away from this abusive twunt, honey.

I hope you are ok, MissF. I hope everyone is ok. I hope Op sees in time that this is just the beginning, and decides to save herself and her children from a life of misery.

Seeing these abuse myths peddled on a thread like this is appalling.

Just to set a couple of posters straight:
1 -- The person responsible for hitting a partner is the person doing the hitting.
2 -- There is no excuse and there are no extenuating circumstances.

To the posters who said that he was tired etc, he didn't even apologised next day. (not that an apology would make it ok). that means that this is his real self.

OP i think that you have made up your mind to stay.
IF thats correct can you at least make sure that
a) you let your parents and best friend know so they keep an eye and keep a door open for you
b) make sure you save secretly some money and also to work towards some financial independency i.e. part-time job, training? Otherwise you will always be scared and always walk on eggshells. Thats a terible way to live.

This is a man with a temper who has now crossed a line into violence. He is showing no sign of remorse of any kind.

OP, please, please put your wedding on hold.

Im still very in the woods so to speak OP but YES, do put that wedding on hold (at the least), what my now ex (please god I have the strength and the teaching from here) to sustain, is pure wrong.

And a very heart felt message to the women who think that there was a excuse, there really isn't and you deep down know that the same way I do.

i left out the frigging word "does" blimey.. it shoud have read "what my now ex does" see how bloody confused we get ay and

we gotcha, MissF

Unless you are defending yourself from physical harm, there is NO excuse for violence.

I damn well hope so know so

I hadn't thought of that MrsF. OldWoman and Tonneofbricks if you're in a relationship like this, i am so sorry. Please know that this sort if behaviour isn't right. This behaviour can't be excused. You can't make someone hurt or try to control you.

OP the reason you're so willing to believe that you provoked this vile behaviour is that this incident didn't come out if the blue. Physical abuse often comes once the groundwork has been laid by a campaign of emotional abuse. Makes it easier to convince you that you're to blame, so you don't leave. You mentioned his very bad temper. Do you find yourself avoiding 'setting him off'?

I really hope the OP comes back.

I'm appalled at what I read here. It takes one person to validate an existing view in cases of rape or abuse but B2B got 3.
There is no therapeutic range for abuse - it's not ok to get hit a little bit, to get abused a little bit or get raped just a little bit.
In a healthy relationship there is no violence against body, mind or spirit - none. Ever.

MissF - Firstly hi love, secondly denial is one thing, accepting abuse of the self is a whole different kettle of fish than promoting violence against another. Enabling the abuse of another doesn't mean you get your sentence lessened, it means you have to live with another person's fear and pain on your conscience while you take the beatings or abuse you think you're due. Culpability is the word I want to apply but won't. If those 2 posters aren't in an abusive relationship I can't find appropriate words to describe them. If they are I hope to god they don't remember what they've done today when they are trying to heal.

B2B - Please come back. Please just read even if you say nothing. Read the links given. Know you are worthy of love and respect and dignity. You do know that normal people don't beat anything dogs like your P beat you don't you? There is no excuse for violence but (and a very big but) even if there was his excuse this time was not good enough.
My kids pester me all the time - I have never laid a hand on them, would you? Would you do this to your child? Would you do this to your mother, brother, friend, stranger in the street? Why would your partner do it to you? Anger is no excuse, I've been angry in my time but I have never beaten or abused anyone because I'm a normal person. I've pissed of my DH - really pissed him off but he has never, ever laid so much as a violent sneeze on me. He is a good and decent man and therefore is horrified at what he read in your post. This is not your fault, you are not responsibile for another person's actions.
I hope you can see, soon. I hope you realise that he has made you scared of the world without him so you stay chained to him. I hope he doesn't start on your children before you see him for what he is. I'll be thinking of you.

I can't believe there are people who think that asking their DH a question whilst he is tired justifys him hitting her with pillows and shouting in her face.

The title of the op was scared and confused

Scared because this man attacked her, confused why anyone would behave this way.

She was taking the first step looking for advice, for someone to validate this was not normal, acceptable behaviour.

It's very hard to accept and face up to the fact you are in an abusive relationship, the days,weeks, years of controlling behaviour and being told its your fault I hit/shout/abuse you is drilled into your head.

The op just wanted someone to tell her she is right, this is not normal, she can leave and have a decent life.

But all it took was a couple of people telling this vulnerable woman that it was her fault I mean, of course she shouldn't have questioned her DH while he was tired??

Now the op has gone, not doubt to creep around after her DH. Trying not to upset him, never daring to question anything he does in case he flips at her again, giving him free rein to do as he pleases.

DV is DV
There is no justification.
Op I hope you are reading this.

its not your fault he hit you or shouted in your face

I reported the scummy posts from the cretins. Please all do the same!!

OP ignore those twats. NEXT TIME (and there WILL be a next time!!) IT WILL BE HIS FISTS!!!

Thank you for taking the time to post all of you and for your support on this. He has apologised for over reacting, and although I know what he did is wrong, a small part of me knows I'm also to blame for pushing him. Although I was scared about what would happen if he kicked us out, he didnt, and I suppose we all say things we don't mean in an argument. I really appreciate your support-I've looked on this section in the past but never posted so will try and post more often. Just wanted to update that I am fine, and also I don't blame those who didn't immediately jump to my defence...after all, I was asking for opinions, so it's just their thoughts and ultimately it's up to me what I do. Thank you again.

Op it's not your fault. Not one teeny tiny part of it is your fault.
You do not have to watch what you say and when you say it for fear of an attack.
But it's a profile of abusive men, to say sorry but you made me do it
That's not an apology.

Also, the fact he is the sole owner of the property you live in with your DCs and uses this to threaten you with ie i will kick you out and you will have nowhere to go so you might as well put up with me doing what I want is controlling also.

I hope you continue to post and that it will open your eyes to the fact you are worth so much more than this.

That small part of you that knows you are to blame? It's only a small part. Listen to what the rest of you is saying. You know deep down his behaviour was wrong, you just don't want to believe it yet.

Did you ever find out who 'x' really is? Please postpone marrying this man and maybe get a free half hour with a solicitor to find out where you stand just incase he changes his mind about kicking you out

Oh, and keep posting x

'I was scared about what would happen if he kicked us out'.

Then make this your motivation to sort out legal and financial rights. Forgive-if you like-but don't forget. Don't forget that scary feeling when nearly in the street. Do something about it, cover yourself. You will get ill from the stress of walking on eggshells. I'm all for staying at home when children very young etc but honestly with this man i really think it would be wise to get a job, it will give you confidence aswell.

Are you young? Is this your first relationship?

Just backing up tantrumsandballoons and tallwivglasses -

It was not your fault - you are not to blame, you did not push him.
I know you can't accept the totality of what this means yet, it is a large and scary truth. But really question why strangers on the internet would be so nearly unanimously voicing the opinion of 'it's not your fault, you didn't goad or push him, this is very, very wrong', why? What do we get out of it?

On reflection Missf may well be right - if you look at the numbers on this thread then it fits that the poster's the rest of us disagree with may be in DV relationships - statswise it's not far off (unless my maths is). If so then they are working off the same conditioning as you 'it's your fault I get angry and can't control myself'. And that my love is bullshit.

Do keep posting, keep talking, keep reading. There's always company or a hand hold whatever you decide to do. Please don't dismiss warnings though - this wisdom is very hard won, be safe above all else.

Ah and Laquitar it seems. Another second from me. Protecting your future is part and parcel of safety - it's called a safety net for a reason.

However, even if you don't manage to get something sorted before the next time comes (which will be sooner as you accepted this) remember there is always somewhere you can run and you can take your children. WA will take you. Everything else can be sorted out later, don't let it be an excuse to stay, it's easier though if you can sort it beforehand but really, really not a reason to wait until he is doing something even more vile and violent.

Regarding Likeatonneofbricks. She is on the turning tavern thread. I don't believe she is in an abusive relationship from what I have read on that thread. She is hankering after another woman.

Just a heads up...

Backtobedlam With respect you are not fine, you have entered the phase called denial.

This phase will go on potentially for years. I was in denial from about 2 years into the relationship for about 8 years. Took me 2 years much MNing (and a helluva lot of MN booting up me arse) to see that the situation I was in was (a) FAR FROM PERFECT and (b) NEVER GOING TO GET BETTER, ONLY WORSE.

There was a last straw, and they are always funnily small things, and then I realised that I had to be strong and allow it to fall apart.

Your 'D'P is probably cheating on you, you asked him a question and he verbally and physically assaulted you, putting you in abject fear for your own safety and well being. You genuinely thought he would throw you out.

If I were you I would LEAVE for a while and go and sit somewhere that you CAN'T be thrown out. I would shelve the marriage plans for a while and I would see what this guy does NEXT.

You need to sit HIM down and tell him RIGHT OFF for attacking you and say that if he so much as raises his voice again to you that you will call the POLICE to have him REMOVED.

I would keep posting here and I would see what the MNers who are NOT in the midst of a situation as confusing and tense as this would think.

THEN I would decide what to do.

You need to back WAY off this guy, he needs to prove himself to you now.

If he can't.... you know what to do. MOVE ON.

one thing that always astounds me about mumsnet is the amount of women prepared to put up with crap relationships because they are terrified they cannot cope on their own.

Loving this man is not enough to make him love you the same way. It is not about what you have done or whether you deserve it, etc. Some couples just dont work out.

Men often act like dicks when a relationship is coming to an end, he may not necessarily be a bad person but you need to recognise that this is not the stuff a marriage should be made of.

If he battles to keep the relationship going (I doubt he will) the only route is proper advice and support from professionals.