Scared and confused

[Backtobedlam]

Hi all, I hope it's ok to post on here and get some of your advice. I'm completely shaken and confused and have no idea where to turn next.

I have been with dp for many years, we have 2 children and were planning to get married this year. We've had our ups and downs, he has a very bad temper and has lost it on quite a few occasions but last night has left me flumuxed!

He was out most of the afternoon drinking with friends, got home had dinner and went to bed. I came up a lot later and went to charge my phone, as I unplugged his it lit up 'missed call x' i passed him his phone and asked who x was...he then came up with 3 different stories in the space of a few minutes so I questioned him more as was completely confused as none of it added up. He kept saying 'leave me alone I'm half asleep, we'll talk later' but by now I was pretty upsett so pushed and pushed for more answers. Suddenly he lost it-he was whacking me round the head with pillows (it sounds comical but really wasn't) and telling me I was a 'f*ing idiot' right up in my face, and just kept repeating it. I was in tears cowering away from him and really scared.

Once he'd stopped and calmed down he told me that I had to leave, he was cancelling the wedding as it wasnt right how angry I made him, he works hard and gives me everything, and I just give him grief. I cried myself to sleep and when I got up this morning he has totally ignored me and gone off to work.

What do I do? Was I wrong to question him? He told me I was like a 14yr old school kid, and he's allowed to have friends, and that he can't stand me accusing him. I thought I was just asking as it was someone I hadn't heard of, and hadn't wanted to go to bed wondering about it all night. Maybe I was too confrontational? I don't know what he will say when he comes home-if he kicks me out (it's his house) I have nowhere to go with the children. I can't talk to anyone in RL as to the outside world we have the perfect life-if I tell someone and then he comes home and forgives me I will have ruined everything.

Hmmmm.... don't like the sounds of these:
"Maybe I was too confrontational?" - were you? do you think your repeated queries were unreasonable? I think you need to answer your own question> Judging by your account I would say no, but it's hard to say

"I don't know what he will say when he comes home-if he kicks me out (it's his house) I have nowhere to go with the children" - that doesn't sound like a very solid, trusting relationship. Has he threatend with kicking you out before?

"if I tell someone and then he comes home and forgives me I will have ruined everything." - this is the wrong way around, as other posters said, you need to forgive him not the other way around! Are you scared of him?

Tonne of bricks & old woman: OP is in a precarious situation, she needs to think clearly and take a course of action that is best for her and her children. She does not need voices that play on all the psychological abuse from her partner and make her doubt herself more.

OP - please call womensaid and take action. It does not matter what you did. He has committed a crime and you have been made to feel it was your fault. This will not end well unless you get out. Take important docs with you. Or seek advice from womensaid on whether you can change the locks as a lawful tenant with his children.

You're probably right-I wish I'd never even asked in the first place. Next time I won't-i asked casually to begin with as I chucked his phone over, but then the more worked up he got the more I couldn't understand what he was getting so wound up for, but as you've pointed out I get pretty ratty when I'm tired so could have been just that. Thanks for the different perspectives all, guess I'll wait and see what he says when he gets back.

Errrrr..... I'm afraid you misunderstood my post.... I wasn't saying you're to blame for asking!

I was just trying to point out that it's hard for us strangers on the web to figure our the answer to your question

Please don't take this the wrong way. I do think he was massively in the wrong, abusive and threatening.

tonneofbricks and oldwoman I'm appalled by your posts. You have managed to successfully convince the O.P. that she is responsible for her partners physical abuse, and that she is 'paranoid, clingy and obsessive' and has driven him to his aggressive, violent behaviour.

She now believes she didn't have the right to follow her instincts and simply ask him who was calling.

The truth is, his irritability does not EVER give him the green light to making his partner feel threatened, or scared. EVER. In fact his extreme reaction would only make the O.P. feel more insecure as opposed to reassured. Perhaps he does have something to hide.

O.P. I would RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND.

OP? Are you ok? Please tell us you are safe?

congratulations tonne and oldwoman

you steamed right in there and convinced this woman who is a victim of domestic violence that it was her own fault

no, she didn't need much convincing did she, that she was wrong and that she deserved to be attacked, humiliated and cowed by her larger, stronger partner

that, if you ever educated yourself about what the fuck you are talking about, is what many DV victims do

so next time she annoys him, he will step up it up a notch (because it worked last time, didn't it) and she will back down out of fear of retribution

well done to you...victim blaming at it's very best

Oh dear god, please don't cave in! Please don't let there be a next time, this man's dangerous! The speed with which he's gone from asleep to assault is breathtaking!

This is not acceptable, it's also not your fault love.

Don't marry this man.

OP, I am so sorry, love

I strongly suspect that the reason he massively over-reacted is because he has something to hide on that phone/about the person that called

was it a woman ?

A normal person would have said "take the bloody phone and search all you like if that's what you want" surely.

Thank God the voices of reason have arrived on this thread. I do hope the OP comes back!

Oh no, oh no, OP please please listen to the posters on here who are saying this is very serious and you should get away. Tonneofbricks is talking rubbish - my husband would answer me straight away if I asked who someone was and if I asked him a hundred questions he wouldn't hit me whether with pillows or anything else. This was not your fault, this is a bad man making bad choices to hurt you and scare you.

You must leave but I have this awful feeling you are going to stay.

What AF said. Op, hope you are OK!

I'm actually very pissed off bwith what has happened here!

We're running a We Believe Her campaign to support victims of rape. It's a hard decision to stand up and admit to being violated against our will.

In many ways Domestic Violence is actually HARDER to own up to as the wearing away, the blaming, brainwashing and intimidation is built up in such a subtle and creeping manner, often the victim isn't fully aware that she IS being abused, certainly not to the extent she really is, and even if she notices anything, she'll already have been convinced she's deserving of it.

Attacks such as the one our dear OP are the start of the slippery slope, he's entitled to go on and on now if things carry on as normal. This situation is anything but normal.

With the ridiculous questioning displayed here effectively accusing her of harassing HIM, if she has been driven back underground, her very life could be at risk.

PLEASE, when an attack or violence is described, refrain from cross examining the OP. There are many posters here who have real and direct experience of DV and have ways of gently establishing facts without accusation.

I hope to god OP comes back. I really do.

Appallingly written, sorry, on phone.

HappyHissy hear hear

tonneofbricks and oldwoman you are dangerous abuse apologists. So this man was sooo tired he couldn't talk, but had the energy to assault his partner. And the poor tired man, tired from working to provide for his family... that excuses assault then? And I'm assuming that the OP either works or looks after the children or both - does that give her the right to assault anyone?

Listen, BacktoBedlam this is abuse. This man has assaulted you. And he's not even sorry! God knows why he got so worked up when you questioned his various 'stories', but I'm guessing it's because he's been up to no good. Please contact Women's Aid.

This is NOT your fault.

Im not sure i agree that these women are "appologists" maybe they're in abusive relationships themselves and trying the justify this hideous man's actions??

pardon the spelling by the way.

I was there once and did just that

an apologist by any other name...

the reason for doing it can be understood to some extent, but it must be challenged strongly every time it happens, IMO

same for rape, like Hisspots said

Hmmm I do get what you're saying and zero tollerance stuff I really do. I'm not sure that attacking them is the way to go though. I personally, and that's obviously just my opinion try not to name and "shame" them. Whilst still making a huge point.

i passed him his phone and asked who x was...he then came up with 3 different stories in the space of a few minutes

This is the crux of the matter. He attacked the OP because he's got something to hide.

Honey, any man who behaves in a violent manner towards the mother of his dc, and follows through by telling her that she has to leave the house that he owns in his sole name, is an abusive twunt.

Frankly, he wouldn't have needed to have told me to leave because if I'd gone through what you endured, I would have called the police and either had him removed from the house or taken myself and the dc to a refuge.

Even if the name showed as John, there are no prizes for guessing the sex of Ms 'x'

That's a fair point, MissF

But I think the damage they have potentially done to this OP justifies the backlash they have received

And I just want to cry for them because their views are so obviously skewed as are very very many women.

Sorry, I'm having a bad day I guess.