Scared and confused

[Backtobedlam]

Hi all, I hope it's ok to post on here and get some of your advice. I'm completely shaken and confused and have no idea where to turn next.

I have been with dp for many years, we have 2 children and were planning to get married this year. We've had our ups and downs, he has a very bad temper and has lost it on quite a few occasions but last night has left me flumuxed!

He was out most of the afternoon drinking with friends, got home had dinner and went to bed. I came up a lot later and went to charge my phone, as I unplugged his it lit up 'missed call x' i passed him his phone and asked who x was...he then came up with 3 different stories in the space of a few minutes so I questioned him more as was completely confused as none of it added up. He kept saying 'leave me alone I'm half asleep, we'll talk later' but by now I was pretty upsett so pushed and pushed for more answers. Suddenly he lost it-he was whacking me round the head with pillows (it sounds comical but really wasn't) and telling me I was a 'f*ing idiot' right up in my face, and just kept repeating it. I was in tears cowering away from him and really scared.

Once he'd stopped and calmed down he told me that I had to leave, he was cancelling the wedding as it wasnt right how angry I made him, he works hard and gives me everything, and I just give him grief. I cried myself to sleep and when I got up this morning he has totally ignored me and gone off to work.

What do I do? Was I wrong to question him? He told me I was like a 14yr old school kid, and he's allowed to have friends, and that he can't stand me accusing him. I thought I was just asking as it was someone I hadn't heard of, and hadn't wanted to go to bed wondering about it all night. Maybe I was too confrontational? I don't know what he will say when he comes home-if he kicks me out (it's his house) I have nowhere to go with the children. I can't talk to anyone in RL as to the outside world we have the perfect life-if I tell someone and then he comes home and forgives me I will have ruined everything.

I completely agree with all the other posters with regards to abuse and denial.

I did want to add one point though in addition...I am wondering if after these events, with the assault, the putting additional fear into you of being told to leave and then the 'apology' whether who was calling him was actually resolved. Because if not it seems like a rather (nasty) convenient misdirection on his part. You are nicely wrapped up in fear and then guilt and self-blaming and the focus is now off what sparked this all in the firtst place, I.e. what he was hiding. Works out ok for him doesn't it? Not so much for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Fucking hell I can't even read any more of this thread, thank god for AF!

Please do not listen to the people who say you deserved what he did (I would post exactly what I think of those people but I don't want my post to be deleted) THEY ARE WRONG!!! They in fact know NOTHING about abusive relationships and I am so angry that you got them posting first instead of some of the posters who really DO know what they are talking about.

He ASSAULTED you, it doesn't matter if you had tipped a bucket of water over his head to wake him up. He STILL had NO right to attack you. That was ABUSIVE and he could (rightly) be prosecuted for it.

NOBODY ever has the right to do that. Please call women's aid, please get help.

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Professionals sherbet? By that do you mean Counsellors? Relate? Therapy?

If so, not done I'm afraid. If this pair goes to Relate, it could give him more ammo to hurt her/erode her confidence further. IF Relate knew about this attack they would refuse to counsel them. Counselling is ALWAYS contra-indicated in situations where abuse has happened.

As far as the OP knows, the relationship is NOT coming to an end, they are planning to marry.....

The P may know different, or be simply shagging around in the meantime, but the END of this relationship was NOT apparently in sight before this event kicking off.

The only way of 'fixing' this is for the OP to lay down some SERIOUS boundaries, for the P to be absolutely HORRIFIED with what he has done, offer the phone, open access and come clean where needed. and for him to work tirelessly to win back her trust, respect and love.

Anything less than this, she is on a hiding to nothing, and very possible a hiding in itself.

the question about the phonecall and who it was from MUST be answered. DEALBREAKER.

This guy is pretty unimaginative; he's following the abuser's scrip to the letter:

1. He does something out of order, he's about to be caught out. (Phone call from ?? I'm guessing OW but could be anything he's scared of you finding out about.)
2. Deflect attention by going on the attack. Create huge drama to overshadow original issue. (Physically assault partner).
3. Make partner feel like she's in the wrong, and in a vulnerable position. (Blame partner for questioning him. Refuse to apologise, threaten partner - and children - with withdrawal of relationship, marriage, home.)
4. Keep partner on her toes by giving her just enough of an apology to make her feel that this can be smoothed over, if only she behaves better in future and doesn't question him again.
5. Sit back and be smug about the fact that she'll never dare question him again and he gets to stay in a relationship with someone whose needs come way below his.
6. Not happened yet, but there will be a honeymoon period where he puts his happy face back on to remind you of the lovely early days of your relationship when he was wearing the mask all the time. You might just believe that this relationship can be salvaged and everything can go back to the way it was.

Bedlam your posts are heartbreaking. Some of the worst things about DV are the mind-games which make you doubt yourself, which make you think that you're not entitled to live without fear of being verbally or physically assaulted by the person who's meant to love you above all others.

He's got something to hide and he's concocted this elaborate drama to get away with it. He's scared of losing you, because YOU ARE A MUCH BETTER PERSON THAN HIM. You deserve so much better.

OP, your situation is now this..

1. you cannot ever question him about anything

2. if you do, he will attack you physically until you drop the subject

3. if you displease him in any other way, he will attack you physically

4. any time he wants you back in line he will attack you physically and make you fear being cast out on the streets like some dirty rubbish

5. he is currently very likely to be cheating on you, and you have no say in the matter

6. your children are learning damaging lessons about what constitutes healthy relationships

7. you are not "ok" you are living in an abusive relationship

Is this how you want your life and your dc's life to be ? Is this what you dreamed of when you planned a family ? Is this what your parents hoped for you ? Would you advise anyone else to live like this ?

It isn't your fault you are living with an abuser. You don't make him attack you and terrorise you. he alone is responsible for that. No matter what you do, it is not justified for a loving partner to do what he did to you. If he was a stranger he in the street he would be arrested. If you reported him to the police today, he would be arrested.

It isn't too late not to legally tie yourself to a man like this. I actually think it's great you are not finacially involved in the house etc. It means you can walk away and not look back. Yes, you will be leaving with no money. You can get money, but he will never be a a decent partner.

OP please listen to the posters here. And read your own posts - your partner lies to you, assaults you so you are crying and terrified, tells you to leave and that you are a fucking idiot. And your first reaction is.. to wonder if he will forgive you for making him angry.

His behaviour is not normal, neither is your reaction.

Backtobedlam - get yourself an std test.

You have painted a picture of a relationship that is seriously awry even without the violence you recently suffered.

You feel isolated.
You are conscious of the disconnect between what your relationship may look like and what it really is like to live through it.
You see yourself as the one who needs to be forgiven for doing something wrong here.
You are living with a man whom you believe is capable of turning both you and his own small children out onto the street with nothing.
He has a temper and you are living with the knowledge of that temper at the back of your mind at all times.

Believe me when I tell you he doesn't lose his temper. He USES it.

'Once he'd stopped and calmed down he told me that I had to leave, he was cancelling the wedding as it wasnt right how angry I made him, he works hard and gives me everything, and I just give him grief.'

He has you wrapped around his finger. This is not a criticism of you. You are dealing with an angry and controlling man whose behaviour and fundamental irrationality are out of your control. The thing that drives him is not the normal impulse that drives you, the impulse to create harmony and a loving home where all can flourish. This man can only feel good about himself when he feels the power of cracking the whip, making home a prison for everyone, and you are his target.