Will the nighmare ever end?? :/

[Butterflygp]

My husband walked out on me 8 weeks ago it was a huge blow as i really loved him and always put lots of effort into the marrige. We have two children age 3 and 17 months, we have moved from the uk and have been here in austalia for nearly 4 years. We have been together for 5 years i was 18 when i met him, im now 23 and his 28, his reason? Just doesnt love me anymore wants to be free single, he doesnt fancy me. Now i have just found out he is seeing someone else, shes 20 fun and free he thinks that he hasnt done anything wrong, that i just need to move on and only talk to him about the children, I am heart broken and im finding it so hard copping with the loss. I have always taken care of my self and havent let my self go he just says things like he doesnt like my strech marks and im irretating. How can this man who was my best friend just well complety fuck me over?? He wants a relationship with the kids which is good im just so angry that it was that easy for him to walk away from us all. He did a few things in our marrige, put him self on a dating site there were naked pictures of him self on there i forgave him i feel like a fool, his taking his new gf on dates and stuff, and im left holding 2 young kids picking up the mess. But he blames me for how i am how does he not for guity/?? please help me!

I don't use this word ever, but honey, have a big hug.

Stay strong and don't let him see how much hurt he is causing.
Do reach for help, but from a peer or a group.

Church organisations or women's organisations can be good for that.

Anyway, remember that children particularly that young are not impressed by toys.
You have them most of the time and you leave a bigger impression on them. They know you are the person they can count on.

Use the time alone to get your strength back and deal with practical stuff.

If he is spending money it's your money too.
Consider freezing accounts? And get on top of the financial side asap.

I have seen my GP i have taken ani depressents since my oldest DD was 4 months old, he has made the dose higher and gave me something that helps with the panic attacts, i see a theripist too. My friends have been great so has my family im so home sick. Why do i feel like this? why cant i see a future?. When i saw him yesterday i just cried and said come back, im so stupid his already with someone else and still i cant move on its been 11 weeks everyone says it gets better but im not seeing that at the moment.I have taken some savings he is paying child support and were just in the process of the property pay out. But he is still riding around in our family car with this OW its like being stabbed in the heart, why cant i get over this looser?:/

Could you get some counselling to help you come to terms with this?

already doing that. :0

You are grieving for the relationship, it's normal.

I was the one who left ex, but after a year only now I'm thinking of dating other men.
And I still missed the good things about the relationship. :(

Take it easy on yourself and focus on the bad points of the relationship.

We're here to hold your hand Butterfly. We might not be able to come up with any magic answers but we are here, understanding how you feel.

yes, agree with Midwife, we totally understand what you are going through. It is normal to grieve for the end of the relationship, I have been doing that and just when I think Ive bucked up, I fall right down again! But its normal and sadly it all has to be gone through, so we can come out the other side

Butterfly, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. What a complete bastard your H is :(
I know it's easy to say but please stay strong for yourself and your little ones and later things will get better. At the moment it's still so raw and you are still grieving the loss of your H and relationship, continue speaking to your RL friends, deal with each day as it comes.
I hope that you realise this is not your fault and what he told you is utter bullshit, the fact he put himself on dating sites proves he left your marriage long before he actually walked out of the door, so what he said about stretch marks etc...are merely excuses. The fact that he said it at all shows he is a childish, immature, selfish piece of shit, after all he participated in causing them. (my ex is many many kinds of bastard but never has he used my body after DC to hurt me, its unfair and unacceptable)
As for staying where you are so that he can keep contact with DC...... Stop thinking about him, it's about you now and what's best for DC and if that means returning home then don't think twice about it.
Your not being stupid Butterfly, it's all part of the process, you can't help the way you feel at the moment. Don't be hard on yourself, you didn't cause this HE did.
You WILL soon see him for what he really is, the "angry" feelings will kick in and hopefully you can then move on and see a future that doesn't include him because YOU don't want HIM. He doesn't deserve any more of your heartache.
Big big hugs sweetheart xxxx

You are grieving. That is all. You aren't going mad, it's a natural process after the shock. It bloody hurts, it feels like there will be no end to it but I absolutely promise you that little by little it will ease, it will get better. You'll be thinking 'hurry up, come on' but suddenly you will look back and it hurts less and less. To the point you will be glad, honestly!, to not be with that muppet.

Your Ex phoning the police is a move to try and make you look unfit and him look better. Twat. It's a ploy. As is the toys - a sign of guilt. If there is any counselling available take it. What are you doing with yourself whilst the dcs are with him at the weekend?

If your plan is to come back to the UK, and the only way to pay for it is by legal aid, then get in that queue, even if it takes up to a year. If there is another way (loan? family willing to help out?) then take it. If your plan is to stay then start divorce proceedings on the grounds of his adultery. You will feel better for taking action, it makes you feel righteous and that something is happening rather than wallowing in what feels like never-ending horribleness.

Thank you everyone for you kind words, I feel dont feel so alone when i come on here to talk. I did have some bad news today my legal aid got rejected, on the grounds that my DC are not in any danger and that they dont normaly give aid to people who want to relocate, My lawyer is writing to argue and say i have good reasons for wanting to relocate so i guess i have to wait and see, the thought that i may not be able to go home is more than i can bare :( he left me and now i have to suffer? I have made a promise with my self that i will not contact him its been two days and i do feel better from not txting i never get the response i want. I want to let go of him so much i want to see the bright side of life again, today i went to playgroup and played with the girls and took them for a walk they really take my mind of stuff. The one thing thats keep coming back into my head is this OW i feel like i look a mess at the moment and that he thinks he has won the jackpot! Im not fat i dont think im ugly but when he compares her to "stunning" i feel like a peice of shit. I am going for therepy and also soon to be joint a group one to, I feel like i just havent taken this well he doesnt even seem to be affected. My DC 3) is getting confeused going back to our old home for 1 night she doesnt understand why we dont live there all the time, I think he to should move out as our lease is up in auguest that way the child and myself can detatch our selves from that life. Were the hell did it all go wrong? and will any man want me when i have two young children? My DH said i was too avaible maybe to him i dont understand this?

For yours and your children's sake please get some support from whatever women's aid services are in aus. Also please cut off contact between him and the dcs for a short while while you regroup. They are too young to jump right into overnight visits and the situation is too confusing for them. You and xh need to prioritise their well being during contact. He is not, he is prioritising using them to abuse you and he doesn't care about helping them to adjust to the change. He wouldn't even let you have the baby's bed FFS. Please, please just cut off from him for a short while just so you can regroup and please get some help with the abuse.

It is exceptionally indicative that he kept all the stuff and houses, cars, money but he didn't even try to keep the children.

Keep coming here to talk/read/vent Butterfly, you're not alone here.
Good luck with getting the legal aid decision changed.
Well done for the no contact, it's tough but it saves you from H's crap and ignorance, continue it and continue keeping yourself occupied with DC.
Please stop putting yourself down, you didn't cause this, it's not your fault honey. Try not to think about the OW and certainly don't compare yourself to her. Build your own confidence and self-esteem, make time for yourself too, get your hair done, nails done etc... look after yourself.
As for another man wanting you..... Make no mistake and please believe me, when the time is right and you're ready, the fact that you have 2 little ones WON'T be an issue. There's lots of lovely men out there who won't have any issues with you having kids. (spoken from experience and I have 3 dc)
Stay strong Butterfly xx

Hi Butterfly.

I'm going to talk to my friend tomorrow who works in a family court to see what I can find out. I live in Victoria though so it won't be exactly the same but she might know something.

There is no reason why you should be 'over' your marriage in eleven weeks! Even though he is a twat. You have every right to feel emotional about it.

Don't let him have the dc for the whole weekend if you don't want to.

That whole thing with the police was him trying to show you who's boss and trying to make you look daft. He's a knob.

Can you get legal aid to get the finances sorted out and stuff? Leave the relocation part until some of the other stuff is sorted out?

Have you and your dc got Australian passports?

Hi savoycabbage thank you any info would be great, my DC have australian passports but mine is british. I trying to scrape together my for the finances and hopfully if i am due for some kind of pay out it would help with other lawyers cost. I think if i was made to stay in Perth id proberly move states! I havent had any contact since Sunday and i feel better i have made a promise to my self that i wont and when he picks kids up Saturdays ill let my mum hand them over and ill go for a walk! I have choosen time sat 10 til sun 11 and im sticking to these!. I spoke to my DHs mum and i said i thought what he had done and how he was treating with was like emotional abuse and she said i was being ridiulas! so i havent bothered with her.

I feel like i have made new friends on here, but just without faces! its been a real support. x

Ok, the first thing she said was about the passports and I didn't know so i will tell her and ask her when I see her. It's so hard to work things out sometimes when you are a foreigner.

I think you have set yourself a good goal, not contacting him. It will probably make it easier for you if you don't have to speak to him.

I haven't contacted him, and he txt me 2night just saying am I having the girls Saturday? I txt back and just put yes why wouldn't you be along with a new address. He txt back thanks. I felt stronger for not saying anything else to make him think I'm ok and not thinking about him. Saturday I will let me mum see him, I'm going for a walk so I don't even have to see the car let alone him!

That's the spirit. :)
Being away from him physically will help you distance yourself emotionally.

Why don't you take your time to do something for yourself and start meeting new people?

That's a brilliant plan Butterfly

I am looking into my crystal ball and I predict that nastypieceofworkEx will attempt to be charming and friendly to reel you back under his control after you maintain 'radio silence' and you aren't there to give him the emotional kick he seems to get out of being a complete bastard to you.

Given he is withholding the children's belongings and refuses to hand them over, I wonder if your solicitor can cite financial/emotional abuse? They can at least send him a letter instructing him to hand the listed items over or he will be billed for their replacement! Is he meeting his other financial obligations?

So he came today Saturday and collected the children i didnt see him or even see the car, it was better but still emotional, I remmber as a child my dad coming to pick me up it took me years to except they werent together i hated it, I cant believe the same thing is happening to them :(. We moved Friday with my mum to house sit for a friend for a few months, Its half the rent a normal place would be so it will able me to try and save some money. My mum spoke to the DH and told him our oldest DD (3) wasnt coping that well shes seems very stressed moans a lot. She look at our new home and said "i like this house mummy daddy is going to live at this house to" then its gets to the Saturday and she said "mummy im seeing my daddy today youre coming to mummy, you miss daddy dont you" I looked at her trying to hold back my tears its so crap... does this man not have any idea what hes done?

meanwhile hes happy thinking his gods gift to women because hes shagging some 20 year old, it really sucks.

My mum is going to our old house and getting the rest of our things. We are currently trying to agree on a amount for my share of the funeture.

Why do i still miss him? I feel so alone, like his life is one big party and mine is fucking hell? people keep telling me im doing so well but i just feel weak like i cant even see him yet to stop my self from still saying "please dont do this".

You are doIng very well. I don't see my STBXH either DD 4yo goes out the door once his van has stopped. He wants to chat and be friends but I don't. It's been 3 months nearly since he finally walked out. You are handling it well.

It is difficult with the kids. DD says daddy is looking for a new house for us all to live in, I'm going to have a sleepover snd daddy says you can come too mummy....

I just have to keep saying nicely to her that daddy lives somewhere else but we are happy and we have each other .

You are doing all the right things and you are being very strong. I know how hard it is. My H is staying with friends and having a jolly time while I'm lonely but at the end of the day we will be closer to the children than they will be. That is the price that they will pay.

The first time you do anything to break the cycle it's hard. You saw through your plan,really well done, and your mum sounds lovely. It does get easier, promise. And you are mourning the relationship you had, you miss it, it's only natural. But ask yourself, do you like the man your ex has become? If you met him today, knowing what you know, would you choose him? It's interesting that he's hooked up with a 20 year old, maybe she's easy to impress and bullshit? She'll learn. He sounds a selfish and nasty piece of work and you deserve much, much better. You are still very young yourself, with a lovely kind nature and you will meet someone, when the time is right, who loves you for you.

ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr :///// he has just brought a truck so now the fucking tosser has 3 cars! Is it wrong to say i hope he gets run over by a bus? I fed my daughter beans and pop corn for lunch because i have know money until tommorow. We have nothing and he has EVERYTHINK my lawyers onto it but he tells me i havent got a chance and that i wont get nothink is this prick going to get away with this?? please let me know of stories where you have ended up with youre rights being served! :( this really is a nightmare that doesnt end!;/