Will the nighmare ever end?? :/

[Butterflygp]

My husband walked out on me 8 weeks ago it was a huge blow as i really loved him and always put lots of effort into the marrige. We have two children age 3 and 17 months, we have moved from the uk and have been here in austalia for nearly 4 years. We have been together for 5 years i was 18 when i met him, im now 23 and his 28, his reason? Just doesnt love me anymore wants to be free single, he doesnt fancy me. Now i have just found out he is seeing someone else, shes 20 fun and free he thinks that he hasnt done anything wrong, that i just need to move on and only talk to him about the children, I am heart broken and im finding it so hard copping with the loss. I have always taken care of my self and havent let my self go he just says things like he doesnt like my strech marks and im irretating. How can this man who was my best friend just well complety fuck me over?? He wants a relationship with the kids which is good im just so angry that it was that easy for him to walk away from us all. He did a few things in our marrige, put him self on a dating site there were naked pictures of him self on there i forgave him i feel like a fool, his taking his new gf on dates and stuff, and im left holding 2 young kids picking up the mess. But he blames me for how i am how does he not for guity/?? please help me!

You've mentioned that he's there on 'my spouse's visa'? Have I read that right? Are you an Aussie? But your family is in the UK?

Any chance you can simply book a flight, pack a bag, gather up your dc, and come back to Blighty without him knowing?

But it seems your dc were born in Oz... are they Australians or do they have dual nationality? And do the three of you have valid passports?

Where is your Mum Butterfly?

I am having your quote: 'A real man would talk about problems and go for counselling, not just walk out.' made into a t-shirt.

Butterfly..keep talking and leaning on people here. Keep calm, get good legal advice and please keep in contact here.

It will be OK my love.

I think she has to apply to the courts before she takes the dc. She is going to find out when she sees a lawyer this week.

He is such a bastard. Not the lawyer.

There are a few mumsnetter

Whoops
There are a few mumsnetters in Perth Butterfly. Have you met up with any of them?

You may well have to go to court to remove the children. However, a) the children spend most of their time with you, b) if you can show that you would have family support/home/job in the UK that will have sway and c) the deciding factor is often the mother's mental health and her mental health would have been harmed if she had to stay. Will search out the link for you, if you want it. I have a male friend living in a country with strong UK ties (legal system very similar for instance) whose children are going to move abroad with their mother and, in contrast with your H, is a totally involved dad who had them for at least half the time, who even offered to cover mother's living costs if it meant she would stay, but if courts have to make a decision they usually side with the mother.

Appreciate this isn't where you are now, it's all too raw but just wanted to reassure you a little bit on that front.

You should certainly get your solicitor to ensure you get from the family home yours and the children's belongings and ensure H is paying appropriate maintenance. You and dc have to be able to afford a roof over your heads.

Your H has revealed himself to be a selfish and cruel man, and it can be such a shock. You grieve for the person you thought you were married to just such a short time a go, and then it feels like a double insult that you have to then cope with having the fuckwit he's morphed into to cope with as well.

You put yourself and your dcs first and you do what is right for you.

My mums here with me now, she feels helpless but she helps me in just being there. I would love the link im really worried ill be trapped here forever as DH thinks i have no chance! Im looking forward to seeing a lawyer and getting facts as my fucker of a H just tells me crap to scare me i think. I did somthing silly today though, I wrote to the OW i just told her the truth, and asked her if she felt wierd sleeping in by bed having sex in it, I know i look silly because she will now tell the H i dont want to seem like the crazy ex but i just feel like so far theres been no justist to his actions :/

OK - I can understand you writing..you are hurt and angry. But put nothing else in writing and let your mum help you to stay calm and centred, particularly for the children. It sounds as if your ex is panicking - don't let him bully you.

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marilynstowe 1
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Couldn't find the precise link but these relate to external relocation. Your solicitor would be much better placed to advise, but the links might give you some idea of the questions to ask.

punkatheart can you get me one of those T-shirts too?! That's all I keep repeating at the moment as my H did the same , walked without talking!

Butterfly- get yourself the best legal advice you can, and work out what's best for you and your kids. Good luck.

Well with a new day brings new dramas.... the DH was meant to pick the DC up at 10am he didnt arrive until 12 noon, I was pissed i ask him where he had been, He told me the the car was in the garage and that they messed him around, i said more like you were in bed with this OW he said yea she did stay round i dropped her home at 8,he spoke like this as if it was completly normal.Anyway the kids went off they were meant to be back at 3 he txt and said can i drop them off at 11? why i said? he wanted to play football, fucking hell i though nothing has change as usal DH puts his own needs first. Then a friend told me they saw him out last night, so who was with my kids?is this man taking the utter piss out of me??(cant miss his kids that much?).

I told you all before that i wrote to the other woman when i was angry, (silly i know!) i told her that when he came round thursday for our 2 hour chat we ended up sleeping together (not true of course) anyway now shes dumped him and his crazy mad with me! saying that i have ruined his life.

After making a show outside the house, grabbing me to talk to him, telling me im crazy and thats why he left, I decided that today it stops, the abuse the lies and the absolute taking the piss out of me, Im going to my lawyer and stopping this bastard in his tracks....... He said i never wanted it to be like this cant we just be friends.... No i wouldnt be friends with someone like you, now fuck off! Could you ever be friends with someone that left you hook up with a 20 year old and shags her in your house? No i dont think so.

I suppose he thinks it's ok to say stuff like that to you because he has just moved in so easily that he thinks it wouldn't bother you. Or he doesn't care. The wanker.

Not long until you see the lawyer now. Then at least you will know where you stand.

I think you should think carefully about what your 'story' is going to be. I think a lit of australians think that Australia is the best place in the world to be and certainly to raise children. Some people find it hard to understand why a person would not want to be here.

Lawyer tomorrow, please please be good news!!

So lawyer was very nice, she told me that me and the children are entitled to alot more than what were getting, and i stand a good chance of relocating, but it could take up to a year, She thinks that maybe all the money he will have to spend might make him start playing a bit nicer. Im going to let him see the kids again at the weekend and if there dropped off early or he goes out and leaves them with his sister i just record it. As for his child lover, Im trying to just think im better off without him, that he chances of this working with this young girl are pretty slim, and that one day ill meet a man, a good man where our love is true and lasting. Maybe theres still hope and me and my children will get what we desevre.??

I hope things start looking up for you. I am in exactly the same position although with no option to leave the country! Its sickening, gross and so frustrating that the RP has no say over what happens when the dcs are with the father.

I have to hand my dcs over in a few weeks so he can play happy families and pretend devoted dad whilst he gets married(slam bang ty mam) to his rebound he found after a month of us being apart. The dcs are bridesmaids/pageboys etc, it makes me want to vomit thinking about it.

In my head Ill never dignify her with a name or title, in my head(and my phone contacts!) shes the rebound and will be dcs dads gf, not wife, in my eyes you dont walk into someone elses life and take their partner or v recently exp when the exp is less than 6months postnatal with his youngest child and then expect everyone to see you as the wife less than a yr later.

What she did was unforgivable, he is obviously to blame too of course but really, who shacks up with a recently split man with several kids when they also had a child themselves?

I also get your feelings of losing years, i spent my latter teens and majority of my twenties with my exp, feels like 10yrs down the pan.

What I find helps is to think it probably wont last, lets face it, rebounds rarely do, especially in my case where theyve ran into their relationship without really knowing the other person. Rebounds happen because the other persons trying very hard to forget/get over the ex, not a great recipe for a lasting relationship!

I hope your lawyer helps gets you relocated-thats something i personally wouldnt discuss with him (there are court orders(in uk anyway) nrps can get put in place to stop the ex leaving the country with their dcs) concentrate on yourself, try not to think of that arsehole because he wont be thinking about you.

Glad it went so well with the lawyer. I suggest you get the ball moving asap legally for your own security and because you want to leave him behind eating your dust! Routines for little children are very important - if H doesn't stick to them it will count against him. Tbh, it doesn't sound like he's very interested in playing good father but might start to get arsey about his 'rights', less so about his 'responsibilities'. Also the harsh reality of handing over a % of his income rather takes the gloss of wining and dining the OW on a budget!

You are sounding much stronger

OP, don't you dare take the blame for this on your shoulders. He is a selfish, lowlife idiot and although you know you deserve better, you have to go through a grieving process for the change.

All I can say is that I understand how hurt you are and you should try and get some local support but concentrate on yourself and your children and slowly, you will detach your emotions from him. What a complete and utter bastard. I am so very angry on your behalf.

Thank you for all youre messages, it has helped me so much jointing this site. I try not to blame by self, but he is very good at twisting things around. Even though my lawyer has told me stuff i still feel un sure because he says things like you dont stand a chance you have had money and that he is not giving anymore handouts! this bloke is a low life, I want to pack and bag and fucking run but instead i have to waste yet more of my life living this nightmare.:( Can you ever bet these big bullys? Everyone keeps telling me justice will happen but at the moment i feel helpless.

busybeen, I cant imagin what youre going through,my DH or can we now call them D WANKER was just seeing someone that was bad enough, youre right though many of these relationships dont work with the OW, one day your man will come and you will have happeness again :)

Butter-they always are good at twisting things. My exwr swans around doing fun expensive stuff with our children and his gf whilst paying the bare minimum cs whilst I struggle to feed clothe and look after our children on a basic level. I too feel like packing a bag and running, if I came into some money Id be off like a shot. I get your feeling of being trapped,to rub salt in the wound he moved him and his gf closer to where i live so I have to put up with seeing them about/shoppin etc and come sept her child starts going to the same school as one of my dcs so I then have to see her everyday. Im in HA property so the chances of moving anytime soon are pretty slim, but I keep trying.

Im sure justice will happen eventually although it does not feel like that now. All we can be is the best for our children and keep going for their sakes, in time as they grow older children start to realise whos been their for them in the long run.

After being back in austalia for 2 weeks now life really doesnt seem to be getting much better, I didnt think i could reach a lower point but i think i just got there! I am so homesick and i have started the process of applying for legal aid, I have found a lawyer but it could take up to a year. Part of me wants to run to pack a bag and go but i know i cant we would just get brought back. DH has been seeing the kids every saturday until sunday tea it feels to long for me when they came back they had about 5 new toys each, he was in new cloths new watch the car had been sported up and i stood there with sollwen eyes from crying all day. They came back and they smelt different are dressed different, he then said his goodbyes and walks back in to his single life... I told him i couldnt do it that i couldnt spend one more day feeling this pain he walked away, 1 hour later the police knocked on the door they said my DH had rang and said he was worried i was going to take my life i felt so stupid i told them the story they were really nice asked if i wanted to spend sometime in hospital i didnt i just felt like i stood in that room screeming and no one heard. Does he not seeing what his doing to me?.

What now? why? its not just him leaving its knowing his spending time with someone else and i have never felt more alone. :( please help.

Oh love I'm so sorry. Please go & see the GP to get some anti depressants to help you through the next few months. You feel so desperate.

He is doing it deliberately, he is emotionally abusing you. He sent the police round to make you look crazy and hysterical and to establish a case that you are an unfit mother. Children ages 3 and 17 months do not need to have overnight visitation. This is purely for xh's benefit not theirs and I think if you are going to make yourself strong enough to cope with extricating yourself from an abusive relationship you need to have a period of time of no contact.

I dont think you are feeling so bad because you are depressed. What you have got is a normal reaction to someone who is deliberately trying to illicit the response he is getting in you. That is why he is full of "see, this is why I left" and "you've had your share". He is a selfish and irresponsible man child who is not afraid to use the children as a method of psychological torture. This is damaging for them. You would be perfectly reasonable to explain that in order to have fulfilling contact with their father he needs to respect you as their mother and that while he is behaving how he is you are not willing to put your children into that position where they are being used to abuse.

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