my dad may be cheating on my mum

[foolserrand]

Will keep this as concise as possible.

Dh and dad work together and, last week, dh caught a glimpse of dad's company credit card statement with a payment to a hookup site. I have done a little detective work and, sure enough, there he is, looking for, amongst other things, a private relationship. The thing is, there's not much info on his profile. I found him by signing up myself (with dh's knowledge) and searching my email contacts.

My mum has been happily married to this man for over 30 years. It is possible she knows about this (she has terrible arthritis and often has painful joints. That wouldn't help an intimate relationship, I assume) but I doubt she does. My mum is a strong woman with a lot of self respect. I really can't see her being alright with this.

So, do I do or say anything to either of them? He's raking her for high tea at the house of lords today.

Bugger, pressed send too early.

Dh is uncomfortable with my saying anything to show his involvement because he is being trained by my dad to take over his company when he retires and doesn't want to jeopardise that.

Think that's all. Wwyd?

Oh God, I'm so sorry. :( Hope you're bearing up okay, it must be horrible.
Can you do a little more digging? I think I'd make absolutely sure of the facts before telling my mother, so that my father couldn't lie his way out of it.

I'm not sure what else to look for, his credit card was used to upgrade an account on a website linked to his work email. His age, star sign and home town are listed. And its his name. :(

I don't like the man much but didn't think he would do this.

If DH didn't want to get involved, why was he catching glimpses of credit card statements or discussing it with you? If he had any balls at all, he would be having the quiet word with your father man to man, not loading the gun for you to shoot in such a cowardly way. If he is correct, his future would not be in jeopardy because your father probably wouldn't want to risk exposure.

He has to open the mail and check the statements to ensure people aren't misusing their cards. He opened my dad's by accident. He told me because he wasn't sure how to proceed and offered to mention it if I wanted.

My dh is neither cowardly nor are his actions under the microscope. Regardless of the back story, I know what I know and would like advice on how to proceed.

Stay out of it. It's none of your business.

I think you need to talk to your father - tell him the truth: that your DH opened the bill by accident and feels uncomfortable mentioning it given the working together. And stress how unhappy it is making you and the likely affect on your mother if/when she finds out. It might just be the reality jolt he needs.

Dh is uncomfortable with my saying anything to show his involvement because he is being trained by my dad to take over his company when he retires and doesn't want to jeopardise that.

and

My dh is neither cowardly...

are contradictory.

Whatever you decide, your DH's job prospects should not be a factor in reaching that decision.

Being uncomfortable with something does not make a person a coward. I have also said he would bring it up himself if I want. I do not.

If you want to berate my dh, at least offer something useful as well. Calling him a coward is not helping anything really.

That was advice: remove the job thing from the equation, and then decide what you want to do.

I remain unimpressed by your husband's concerns. Do you share them? It's a big thing, and it has the potential to sway your moral compass.

Sorry, hotDAMN, I'm a bit touchy.

I think as its my dad I want to deal with it myself rather than my partner. Even though it was him that found the transgression in the first place. It's not fair or right to expect him to deal with a familial issue. He offers unconditional 100% support but I don't want him directly involved as it creates more issues than it solves.

I don't see how its none of my business, I can't unknow this and think of it every time I see or speak to my dmum (daily). I'm just not sure whether most people in my mum's position would rather I kept quiet or told her or offered him the chance to stop/tell her himself.

No, you can't unknow it.

What are your feelings about telling your mum? You know how you feel now, knowing what you know. How would you feel if you told her, she knew, and then had to deal with the hurt?

Are you prepared for her to possibly shoot the messenger?
Or, alternatively, are you prepared for her to be outraged if she finds out herself, and finds out you knew?

How do both scenarios make you feel?

I disagree with the criticism of your husband. He's in a very difficult place, and probably is thinking that he doesn't want you to face the stress of him being out of work on top of this. If it was me in his position, I probably would have done the same.
I'd probably say something to your father along the lines of "I know you're on website. How I came to know is irrelevant. I expect you to tell my mother within the week, or I will tell her."
Hope you're okay :(

I think you should stay out of it. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Your mothers whole world may be turned upside down if she doesn't know and I doubt she will thank you. You will destroy your relationship with your father and risk your husbands job.

What you're dad is doing is awful, but it's not up to you to solve your parents marriage problems.

Hard as it is, I really think you need to keep out of it. It is quite possible that your mother is aware, and turns a blind eye so long as your dad keeps it discreet.

I definitely don't want her to find out later and have the added upset of my hiding it from her.

I can handle telling her and her getting angry, even directing that anger towards me. That's natural. My mum is a very private person emotionally. She will probably hide how she feels until she's alone.

I'm tempted to give my brother a heads up as he lives there and can be a git, he would know to behave. But think telling him to share this burden is cowardly.

Telling my dad.... that's sensible, isn't it. If its innocent, he can clear his name and I won't risk hurting mum. He can't talk his way out of this though. There is no innocent reason to join a dating website.

Wish I could do this VIA email or text as I don't often see him unless mum is there. Would a call work? And do I wait until after their nice day out?

I agree with MEExpat, stay out of it. It's not your role to get involved in your parent's marriage and it's definitely not your role to be handing out ultimatums to your father.

You can't unknow the information, no, but you can keep it to yourself. Would you feel happy to have to answer to your children about your sex life at some point in the future?

So you would be happy if someone close to you knew your husband of 30 odd years is being unfaithful and not telling you? That wouldn't be an added betrayal? If she knows, surely she wouldn't care if I mentioned it.

What do you hope to achieve by confronting your father?

If you are going to bring this out into the open, (and I dont think you should, as it really is not going to go well for anyone), then yes, speak privately to your father first, but have a long think about the fall out that will inevitably happen if you do open this can of worms.

Your husbands job is at risk. Even IF there was nothing untowards going on, it will look like he was snooping and any trust your father had in him will be lost.

Your mother is going to be furious if she did know but was hoping it could be kept secret, and furious if she didnt know, and if as you say she is a very private person, then she will be mortified that her daughter knows about this.

I agree, it is not a pleasant thing to learn about a parent, but really it isnt going to go well if you say anything.

Of course I wouldn't be happy, but sometimes ignorance is bliss! You risk opening pandoras box and do you really want to be responsible for that? For all you know your mum might be doing the same as your dad!

I agree with telling your Dad and not saying how you know.

It's his mess he is the one who needs to deal with it. If he has some extenuating circumstances then your also giving him the chance to explain himself to you and/or your mum. Also by giving him some control i think your limiting any repercussions on yourself and DH.

I'd be tempted to do it by email since I can't imagine how I'd begin in RL and also allows you to edit what you need to say. I'd add a read receipt so you don't get that awful waiting and wondering if he read and didn't reply or whatever. Text is too short.

Really sorry you're in this position. I hate having to deal with my parents issues :(

I would just gently let my Dad know I knew. A few pointed questions asking if he has any plans for that day/evening/weekend and see what he says.

If he is going to meet someone he will have to come up with some excuse like shopping, meeting a mate etc and then sweetly offer to go along with him.

I also think your DH did the right thing in telling you. I'd expect my DH to tell me and not involve himself directly if it was my family in this situation.

You said 'I don't like the man much' re your Dad. Whilst what he is doing is undoubtedly wrong, I'd be wary of getting involved when your relationship with your Dad is rocky anyway.

In the end, as much as I'd want to stay out of it, I'd end up saying something to my Dad and as a previous poster suggested, refuse to be drawn on how you know. Hopefully it'll shock him into stopping.

But what if he doesn't stop? You need to think about your next steps.

I would never put myself in this position, Numberlock. I agree its not my place to give him ultimatums but disagree he would be answering to me about his sex life.

My loyalty is to my mum. It's her feelings I want to protect. Do I best do that by keeping quiet and risk her finding out later or tell her now when he may just be looking and try to minimise the hurt?