my dad may be cheating on my mum

[foolserrand]

Will keep this as concise as possible.

Dh and dad work together and, last week, dh caught a glimpse of dad's company credit card statement with a payment to a hookup site. I have done a little detective work and, sure enough, there he is, looking for, amongst other things, a private relationship. The thing is, there's not much info on his profile. I found him by signing up myself (with dh's knowledge) and searching my email contacts.

My mum has been happily married to this man for over 30 years. It is possible she knows about this (she has terrible arthritis and often has painful joints. That wouldn't help an intimate relationship, I assume) but I doubt she does. My mum is a strong woman with a lot of self respect. I really can't see her being alright with this.

So, do I do or say anything to either of them? He's raking her for high tea at the house of lords today.

I don't like my dad, he has done things I can never forgive but I don't have another agenda. He doesn't factor into my thought process at all in this if I'm honest.

But you are happy to profit from his business and use him to gain a company off him.

My dad should not be using a company credit card and dh would be well within his job description to call him on it

Erm, if your dad is the owner of the company and employs your husband, I wold say he can probably do what the hell he feels like doing..

God what an awful position.

The replies you've gotten just confirm my belief that there are 2 distinct types of people. The 'heart on sleeve' honest type and the 'prefer not to know' type.

I would always want to know the truth. Always. And I'm useless at lying and 'pretending' things. It feels completely alien and wrong to me and stresses me out, like wearing clothes that are 2 sizes to small. I end up blurting out things anyway. OP - I'm guessing you are the same - and all those people who are telling you to keep out of it, just don't understand how difficult it is to have a a genuine, supportive relationship someone (your Mum) when you're keeping such a huge secret from her.

The problem is your DM may genuinely not want to know. Can you find out some way? Maybe talk to her about a make-believe friend who has found out something about her parents' relationship and see what she says?

Sorry, OP, I wish I had the solution for you.

I think you are in a no win situation here. The best I can suggest is that you totally ignore it at this stage, but keep an eye on your Dad's behaviour and on your mum's wellbeing. Whatever he is doing, or wants to do, if he is managing to be discreet and your mother is not hurt because of it then I think you have to leave well alone and pretend you never saw it.

For all you know he may have been a serial adulterer for years, and your mother may even be choosing to turn a blind eye to it for an easy life. It's just not worth rocking the boat all the while everyone seems happy.

However, this might be the beginning of a massive midlife crisis and if he starts to behave in an indiscreet way that cannot be ignored then you will have to confront him, and warn him that if he doesn't stop you will tell your mum.

I think many of the responses have been very harsh on you personally. You've done nothing wrong!

I'm with the suggestion to print out the profile details, ask him what's going on and then listen. You'll then have more information and know how best to support your mum.

To be honest, I think your dh would be better off looking for another job elsewhere. Being financially beholden to a man you say you don't like is no way to live.

I'd stay out of it.
I realised my dad had something - I just know these things, OK, I know who's shagging who or who wants to shag who just like that, I really do.
Never told a thing. Don't know why.
They are fine now.
I'm not sorry.

I would print off the page and show your dm, or if you think she would find it to embarrassing coming from you, just post it anonymously.
My SD cheated on my mum, gave her a few stds and broke her heart. I was there to pick up the pieces, it was an awful time for everyone but things are better than ever without him. It was actually my youngest dsis that found out and told me (she was 13 at the time) and I broke the news to dm. She was devastated, and I helped her get him out the house, took her to get the std check, dealt with that when the results came back positive for two stds. Yes my dm was angry with me when I told her, but only for a day or so, she apologized as she knew it was him she should be angry with.
It's not you or your dhs fault, if your father didn't want anyone to know, he should of used a fake name or I don't know, not cheated on his wife.

How about setting up a full profile on the site and arranging a meeting....if your dad agrees to it you know that he has every intention of cheating and probably already has.

You don't know enough. Stay out of it unless/until you know for sure.