my dad may be cheating on my mum

[foolserrand]

Will keep this as concise as possible.

Dh and dad work together and, last week, dh caught a glimpse of dad's company credit card statement with a payment to a hookup site. I have done a little detective work and, sure enough, there he is, looking for, amongst other things, a private relationship. The thing is, there's not much info on his profile. I found him by signing up myself (with dh's knowledge) and searching my email contacts.

My mum has been happily married to this man for over 30 years. It is possible she knows about this (she has terrible arthritis and often has painful joints. That wouldn't help an intimate relationship, I assume) but I doubt she does. My mum is a strong woman with a lot of self respect. I really can't see her being alright with this.

So, do I do or say anything to either of them? He's raking her for high tea at the house of lords today.

A lot to think about. Thank you everyone. You've thought of lots I hadn't.

Another vote here for staying well out of it.
If they were younger it might be a different matter, but your mother has enough problems already with her health, without adding this stress.
It's possible that he is acting with her tacit but unspoken approval, and if you bring it out into the open this will cause unknowable consequences.

And another vote to keep quiet. But if you had to do something I'd go the "have a word with your dad on the qt" route.

And another for keeping quiet.

The fact that you've given consideration to revealing this knowledge before their special outing does not seem to indicate that you have either of your dps best interests at heart.

As it also seems to me that you have another agenda with your dad, I'm therefore adding my voice to the 'stay out of his relationship with your dm' brigade.

Involving your brother and approaching your dm can only lead to discord and disharmony and, as a private person, I very much doubt that your dm will thank you for drawing attention to any marital shortcomings your dad may have.

Thanks to your dh's failure to read a name on an envelope, you've become privy to information you shouldn't have known about.

Some secrets are best taken to the grave and if this one should emerge by other means before your dps have shaken off their mortal coils, you will at least be best placed to help pick up the pieces as it won't come as any great shock to you.

If I were your mother I would want to know. It is not your secret to keep.

This will eat you up inside. Every family event, every cuppa round your mum's house, every phone call, every time you see your dad.

I think confront your father and find out what is going on. I suspect he will then come clean to your mother.

From experience, secrets will destroy you

Telling my dad.... that's sensible, isn't it. If its innocent, he can clear his name

Again, why does your dad have to 'clear his name' to you? It's just not your position to judge him.

Your mum has health problems which you have hinted may prevent a sexual relationship or make it difficult. You have not given the impression that (this matter aside) your father is anything but a good husband and supportive of your mum in looking after her needs.

If you follow this through to its natural conclusion, ie tell your mum, she throws your father out, mum left alone without care, who is actually going to actually benefit in any way? Other than you having satisfied your need to get it off your chest and share it with the people it is most likely to destroy.

I agree with Youcanringmybell and also agree your dad doesn't need to know how you know as obviously that would implicate your dh and he did only come upon it by accident, not snooping. Also not "confront" but gently raise that you've become aware of this, does mum know etc. Good luck.

I knew my Dad was having an affair. The difference was the selfish git told me so himself (he needed to unburden himself apparently)

My brother was getting married the next week so I agreed to keep it quiet for DB's sake. I can honestly say it was the most awful and emotional couple of weeks of my life. Fortunately for me my dad told my mum himself.

I have full sympathies for you OP. I really can't tell you what to do, but understand completely that your loyalties lue with your mum at the moment.

I had planned to make an almighty fuss if my father didn't confess all. Not directly tell my mum, but basically stop speaking to my dad (which my mum would've immediately noticed)

I realise your situation is a little different because work is involved. I wish you the best of luck x

So let's say she goes for this option and Dad says "yes mum's fully aware of it". What then?

(a) OP believes him yet ruins relationship with dad because he cannot abide the thought of her having this level of intimate detail about his sex life.

(b) OP doesn't believe him and checks the story out with mum anyway, in which case
(a) turns out mum did not know and the marriage is blown apart
(b) mum confirms that she actually was aware but is now (being a very private person as OP describes her) also mortified that everyone is aware. Relationship with mum also in tatters.

How can anyone benefit in any way from revealing this information?

OP, I think you should stay out of it. It will destroy your mother.

izzi, you have misunderstood a few things. I don't like my dad, he has done things I can never forgive but I don't have another agenda. He doesn't factor into my thought process at all in this if I'm honest. I am thinking only of my mum.

I considered before they left to end a charade, as it were and sharing this with my brother (which wasn't a serious consideration) was just to have someone else in the same boat. Totally selfish and not something I would ever do.

This isn't something I blame my dh for. It's not his inability to read that's caused this. My dad should not be using a company credit card and dh would be well within his job description to call him on it. If my dm does know, wouldn't he use a personal credit card to keep his affairs.... well, personal?

She is a private person and won't like anyone knowing if he is having an affair but that doesn't mean she wouldn't want to know.

Would all the ladies here saying not to say anything not want to know if their dh were having an affair???

The OP is not going to destroy her mother. Her DH seems perfectly capable of doing that himself.

The op has already said that it is unlikely that her mother would approve.
Very very few women do allow husband to have an open relationship. Odds are that the mum has no idea and yet daddy is getting to have his cake and eat it.

I knew my Dad was having an affair

We don't know the OP's dad is having an affair. All we know is he has paid to put a profile on a dating/intimate encounters site. The rest is pure speculation.

I had planned to make an almighty fuss if my father didn't confess all

I'm genuinely astounded that people genuinely believe they are entitled to know the ins and outs of their parents' marriages.

Would all the ladies here saying not to say anything not want to know if their dh were having an affair???

Well I certainly wouldn't be happy with any of my children sticking their nose into their parents' private business.

I think you need to break down your options.

Your dh tells your dad he has seen something on the company(?) credit card and that isn't a justified expenses claim/and feels unhappy about it.

You speak to your dad.

You speak to your mum.

Neither of you do anything but you can't ever tell you knew anything.

You dig some more.

Numberlock 'I'm genuinely astounded that people genuinley believe they are entitled to know the ins and outs of their parent's marriages'

You honestly think I wanted to know? Oh yes, it was a fucking blast, crying myself to sleep at night, thinking my mum would hate me for knowing about it. It's great fun loosing all self respect for your father. It's super dooper worrying that people will judge you for knowing about it and not saying anything.

In that case, honey, think solely about your mum and spare her the potential humiliation of knowing that you know something about her husband that she may or may not be aware of.

It's not always easy being an adult child of adult parents but it's a lot easier to live with if all concerned behave like adults.

Your dad may be a sleazebag but your mum needs to find that out for herself without any assistance from you/your dh.

If your mum remarks that your dad has suddenly taken an unaccustomed interest in his appearance and/or is unusually absent from home/work, take him aside and have a private word with him in person.

It is not about children and parent fgs.

It is about her mother - whom she loves- being taken advantage of.
If she doesn't tell her mother she is allowing it to happen.

I ask you again Numberlock - if your partner was having an affair would you want to know?

If it was my mum I would tell. My mum would be even more distraught if she found out that I knew about it and did not tell.

If it were me I would not be comfortable with DH does not wanting to say anything because of his work situation. If this eventually all comes out " Sorry mum but we did not want to make DH's work life at tad uncomfortable" does not sound to good either.

I think the issue of saying something or not depends on the people involved.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope it all works out for you.

Actually - I take back the comment if she doesn't tell her mother she is allowing it to happen

That isn't right. Her father is the potential cheater. Why else set up a profile?

You're making this about you, my love, whereas the truth is that it's about them and it is their private and personal business.

Numberlock - have you thought of reversing the positions? If my parents knew my DH was doing this or having an affair I would be furious if later I found out they had done nothing to confront DH and get him to tell me or failing that told me (very gently) themselves. The same if my brother or sister knew similar information.

I think it would be humiliating to know your children knew this information before you did but nevertheless worse if they decided to keep it secret from you.

But Izzy - do we not have the right to look out for those that we love?
I think what you are saying makes sense Izzy - hence the difficult position the Op is in. Otherwise she would know what to do immediately.

This is a very difficult situation Op. All I know is if it were my husband, I would want to know, no matter WHO told me the news.

Along similar lines, telling her would save her the embarrassment of one of her single friends finding his profile and telling her. He has used his home address on it.

ImStickMan, thank you for sharing your story, I can only imagine how terrible it would be to be told like that. At least finding out like this he could still be innocent

Numberlock, surely someone who loves you unquestioningly, will support you and be your shoulder if needed would be the ideal person to break horrible news to you? Regardless of their relationship.