my dad may be cheating on my mum

[foolserrand]

Will keep this as concise as possible.

Dh and dad work together and, last week, dh caught a glimpse of dad's company credit card statement with a payment to a hookup site. I have done a little detective work and, sure enough, there he is, looking for, amongst other things, a private relationship. The thing is, there's not much info on his profile. I found him by signing up myself (with dh's knowledge) and searching my email contacts.

My mum has been happily married to this man for over 30 years. It is possible she knows about this (she has terrible arthritis and often has painful joints. That wouldn't help an intimate relationship, I assume) but I doubt she does. My mum is a strong woman with a lot of self respect. I really can't see her being alright with this.

So, do I do or say anything to either of them? He's raking her for high tea at the house of lords today.

I would leave well alone because of all the hurt this would cause. Your dad putting his details on a dating site doesn't mean he is actually having an affair or that he will.

izzy It isn't their private business if the mother doesn't know! And the only way you can find that out is by speaking to her directly, not the father. Because if he's willing to look for secret affairs, he'd also be willing to lie about it.

Having affairs without the knowledge and consent of the other partner in a monogamous relationship can be categorised as a form of abuse. People have a right to know this stuff, and be told (sensitively) by anyone who finds out.

I am so sorry you're in this situation. I know that doesn't help, but I'm completely torn as to what would be the right thing to do.

I would be outraged, want to tell my mother and rip his head off, and probably end up confronting him (to try to spare my mother ever having to know) to ask him WTF he thinks he's doing. The advice from Mariella (agony column in the Guardian) would be to keep your mouth closed and stay out of your parents' relationship - that it's none of your business, they're adults, you have no idea how their marriage works and telling anyone the result of your 'snooping' (she's judgy) would only cause heartbreak and embarrassment - particularly if they do have an arrangement with regards to sex outside of the marriage, even if it's just her turning a blind eye to it. Lots of couples find themselves in situations where the marriage is happy but one partner doesn't want sex. She'd say you could force a breakdown of the relationship that seems to be working for them.

I would still want to confront him, but I don't know what I'd end up doing.

If in doubt, do nowt.

Without hesitation and hand on heart, if it were my dps I'd keep schtum and keep a watching brief.

There's absolutely no need to rush decision making on such a delicate matter, fool. Give it time.

Similar situation here

If you want your husband to take over the business I most certainly would not tell your mother. If I was your father in this situation and found out that your hubby had 1. Opened his post and 2. Shared the information with you and that 3. You then told his wife I would be absolutely furious regardless of what I was doing. Handing over the business would go right to back of my mind and I don't think I would want to work with him again.

I would tread very carefully with this one.

I also vote stay out of it, you dont know if your mother knows and frankly their sex life has nothing to do with you.

Plus its easy to say DHs job propects are irrelevant, they wont be irrelevant if he doesnt have any.

and I think your parents knowing your dh is having an affair is different,

Op your first loyalty is to DH and your children.

I can understand your outrage on your dm's behalf.

But if all this were to come out a)would your dh still have a job? b)would your dm still have a marriage?

Don't think, in all good conscience, I could explode a bomb into the family like that. I know it is really your dad who is jeopardising everything, but if it all goes horribly wrong, then it will be his doing, not yours.

Several people have said that you should tell your mother because she will be upset with you if she later finds out that you knew and didn't tell her. I don't buy that because if the two of you keep quiet about it there is absolutely no way she can find out that you knew.

All you know for sure is that he posted a profile on a website. That was foolish, but there's no evidence of adultery and he may well not have taken it any further.

If you tell your mother and she challenges him, how can he prove the negative? You will have driven a huge wedge between them just when she needs his support with her health problems. Is that worth it just to ease your conscience?

Far better to keep quiet.

The other thing is, how come your dh is in charge of checking compay credit card expenses, but that, apparently, your df's go unchecked?

If his business is claiming the expenses as tax deductible, then surely this is fraud? Perhaps not relevant to the relationships between df/dm and dh/df, but the consequences could be a lot more serious.

Dh would still have a job. I have a decent job to tide us over if the worst did happen, I would just end my maternity leave. It won't though, dad wants his company to continue and won't unless we take it on.

As per the credit cards, I don't know the answers but if I did, its irrelevant to this.

There are so many reasons to keep quiet and lots to tell. I think I'm more confused than I was before I started this thread! My gut does say to talk to mum but I'm now wondering how selfish that is. I'm close to her and see her often. I don't know if I could see her or speak to her daily and keep this to myself forever. So he has affected my relationship with my mum already.

He can only affect your relationship with your mum if you let him, honey.

Deep breaths and rise above it - keep your own counsel and let time be your friend.

TBH, I think I might leave it.

If your mother knows she will probably feel embarrassed.
If she doesn't she may feel forced to kick him out and she is already vulnerable.
If their relationship is otherwise happy, not sure it will matter too much.

Just for a sense of perspective, my mum is about 70. We once discussed a couple who is friends of theirs. She has lots of physical problems, particularly with her back and bones. He is almost blind, but physically strong. She was very upset that he had a lover, but he has stuck by her side.
My mum's opinion was that she might as well accept the situation rather than be alone and vulnerable.

Why don't you probe first what her views are on this type of situation?

if he worked elsewhere, then he would be sacked for divulging this information

you dont know what will happen to the business if they split up

its really difficult, but I wonder if your poor opinion of your dad is colouring your judgement

You say it won't affect your husband's job? So after you have told your dad that your husband 'accidnetally' opened a letter, found out he was using the firm's credit card, told you, you did a lot of detective work and sent him a message on a dating site there won't be a bit of an atmosphere in the workplace?

For all his faults, my dad is a professional in the workplace. Just not so much with his credit card, it seems.

Besides, he doesn't have to know how I found out as has been suggested up thread. I could even tell him dh doesn't know. I don't owe him the truth.

Wow what an incredibly awful and awkward situation OP.

FWIW I am seemingly one of the few who would NOT want to know if DH was having an affair. I love our life together. For various normal reasons our sex life is not that great right now (young kids, work full time, medication, blah blah blah). If he needs to look outside our marriage for a bit of something I can't give him right now, so be it. I don't want the details. I don't even want to know. I just want my marriage and my family.

Not that I would ever tell him any of that!!!!!

No idea if that is helpful OP, just don't assume because you would want to know, or others would want to know, that your mum feels that way....

Thank you, Hearts. I'd like to believe that is also true for my dm. May ask her opinion on the situation, pretend its a friend. I do ask her advice fairly often so doubt she would be suspicious.... unless she does know.

Why even mention your dh? Just say a friend is on the site and spotted your dad and told you, you didn't believe it and checked yourself

He may have put the details on in a moment of madness and be regretting it right now. He may never be able to go through with an affair. He may have had lots of affairs throughout the entire marriage. You don't know and personally I would not tell. I leave my parents to sort out their love lives (and they have been tangled at times). Having said that, someone did tell my mum when my dad was having an affair, but that was when she really was the last to know and everyone else in his social/family circle already knew and it became too embarassing to maintain ignorance.

If you tell your dad you know about this - and then you do nothing - what happens if your mum finds out say in three years time and your dad says @well your dd knew but kept quite@ - how do you think your mum will feel? She will feel you betrayed her and she will know then you knew.

If you say nothing to either of them and your parents stay happy together - how will you feel?

If you say something to both your parents and the marriage ends and they are both unhappy - how will you feel?

The attitudes on this thread are nearly as depressing as some of those on the OW thread.

OP - your mother, is more than likely being deceived and lied to. You have the power to give her information which will allow her to decide if SHE wishes to continue being lied to. It is a horrendous situation to be in, but my eternal gratitude goes to the friend who had the guts to blow the lid on my ex. You have to find the courage to do the same.

And to the poster giving their 'D' h permission, to have an affair, have you ever thought about doing some work on your self esteem ?

Did your dad not notice that the envelope containing the cc bill with the dating website on it had been opened?