i think its just hit me - especially reading the posts in EA & VA relationships - i think im living with one who is both
i thought i was going mad, i was selfish (as im often told), i was useless always doing things wrong. - but am i?
it started shortly after we moved in together 6 years ago after having my daughter - prior to that we had been seeing each other for 12 years living in our separate homes, seeing each other when OH could fit me in inbetween his mates, social life and HIS family, but i was besotted (stupidly) and went along with it all. When he one day said lets have a baby and live together i was thrilled, so we did.
We moved to a small village about 20 miles from where we used to live (his choice- something to do with giving our children having a safe and lovely life in the country (but this was quite a distance away from my family and friends) i eventually had to give up work which was a hour and half journey each way after his constant nagging that it was too much with the (now 2 children), i really didnt want to as it was my little bit of independence, but he wore me down and i handed in my notice. i talked myself into it being ok, i still did my OH admin and accounts for his business from home, so i wouldnt be bored when the kids were at school.
i was very isolated at first - didnt know a sole but me being me i eventually got out there and started meeting mums, went to the local playgroup ect, and now have some very special lovely friends who persevere with me despite my always letting them down, blowing them out and being very distance when with them when i am with them waiting for my OH to call me to find out why im not at home (and thats during the day!). OH constantly says why do you have to get too familiar with people you hardly know, they have time to have coffee mornings all day long but you dont. we are always asked out with their OH's but i have to make my excuses as he never wants to go.
Then came the everyday augments "your not working why is the house so untidy" "what are you doing all day" - "you put all your friends first before the house we live in, i work every hour to come home to this" i would like to point out at this stage my house is clean and tidy but after a while i got so nervous before he came home that he would start shouting over the smallest spek of dust (believe me he does the running his finger over the picture frames ect) i started to clean everyday, even put off coffee mornings to clean. funny enough he still comes home shouting that the house is untidy - apparently i dont clean properly.
The thing is i really try and try and try to please him, i take on board his criticism of me and work even harder the next time, but it is so soul destroying to still be told your still not doing it right, or your still useless. you get to the stage where you are so drained, you just accept what you are being told and completely believe it.
He rings me almost every hour daily to see where i am and god forbid if i am having cofee with a mum, "when are you going to get my book work done, i needed an invoice done urgently. what about that job i asked you to do this morning." thats when i would sit and rack my brains - what job? "you dont listen are you stuipid i told you this morning (shouting) i need an invoice done" - i must be going mad i dont remember that conversation at all. this happens most weeks - i have got to the point where i am really thinking about seeing someone about my memory - i think im going mad.
Then there are the things that i type up incorrectly, or send to the wrong person - "you are useless, you cant be bothered to do things right - im out working every hour for you to constantly cock things up, cant you do anything right."
when i say i am a constant nervous wreck that would be an understatement. When he calls i think s**t what have i done now.
My mum and dad started coming over each week, because it was difficult for me to get away to see them what with the kids and OH business keeping me very busy, i ring him to tell him they are coming over, initially he would make himself scarce, now its "im working from home today they cant come over - too distracting" my mum and dad now come over once a month if that for a few uncomfortable hours, and OH is never there. they have never been round for dinner, christmas nothing!!! they came round once on my DD 1st birthday and OH made me so nervous he kept pulling me into the kitchen having a go about different things, he was so off with them it was awful and embarrassing that i thought never again.
his family however are always over for christmas, meals birthdays ect, which in all honesty i dont mind because i enjoy cooking for people and the social side - although it does annoy me when i am constantly told that i should cook the way his sister cooks, she is so good at this and that - in fact she is the perfect housewife, cook, mother there ever was so im told. the voice im my head is usually backing up what he says telling me that im a terrible mother, im always putting others first, im selfish and my priorities are all wrong. he must be right then.
I have always enjoyed cooking and love baking cakes - one day last year someone asked me to do some cakes for the DD birthday - and i did - i got paid for it and everyone told me how lovely they were. i was so thrilled that i was being praised for something i was finally good at!! see im not useless. i thought im going to set up a small business baking cakes. so i did OMG when i told OH he told me how what a stupid idea, noone would buy my cakes beside it was a complete waste of time for little money, and dont forget my priorities are the home and the kids i would not have time.
unfortunately for him and fortunately for me word got out that i was pretty good at baking cakes and started to get asked to do them. Without telling him (for fear of being told that i couldnt) i set up a small business and started baking whilst he was at work, which is very stressful as i would be trying to take his calls with his daily instructions on what to do and what not to do, plus secretly bake. I have not pushed the business tho, and have tried to keep it at the moment to one order per week purely because he will find out if i do anymore than that. but im loving it and so want to expand. he does come home at times to find me baking and goes absolutely mad, and says "you would rather bake for people you dont know than clean house, do my book work, look after your children - you are selfish, self centred ive never met anyone like you"
so how did i find my way here on mums.net - well i finally sort of woke up last week when my OH went out on a all day racing jolly with his mates for his birthday, one of my friends said come over to mine in the evening if you fancy it. i thought lovely - OH wont be home to early hours that would be really nice plus my kids and her kids get on. so there i was i had just got round my friends when my phone rang - it was him, i answered and in a very drunk voice he said "where are you" "i said round my friends. he said i need picking up, so i said i have only just got here and we have ordered a takeaway i cant just leave. he put the phone down. i prayed he would carry on with his night and leave me alone. NO - an hour later my phone rang - where the f*k are you im trying to get in the house - i have no fking keys your so selfish. this was said in an arrogant nasty voice. i was terrified - i just picked up the kids shoved them in the car and raced home - my friend just stood there thinking what the f*k.
Couple of days later i was with my friend and i just broke down i told her everything - she couldnt believe what i was telling her - she said i was one of the loveliest people she had ever met - me really? - and HE was a bully and told me he was controlling me and it was wrong - i found myself saying but i do sometimes forget to clean the kitchen floor, or do his bookwork wrong, and put my cakes first - she said listen to yourself - you are your own person and a lovely one at that, none deserves to be controlled or treated like that. so i started to look up relationship problems on the internet and found the thread on here - are you in a VA or EA relationship - as i was reading it i though OMG thats me.
But what do i do now - i have too very young children, leaving would traumatise them - (believe it or not he is a brilliant dad and they love him), plus he would not let me leave without a huge fight (and i dont mean physical) - in a nut shell im terrified of leaving.
One thing i am trying to learn tho to keep me going is that despite the constant putting me down, criticising and the controlling is that im not, there are so many things i can do and i dont deserve to be treated like this.
The other is that i have found some lovely friends who love me for me unconditionally and have said "they arent going anywhere regardless" without them i wouldnt be here (as in realising the above).
x