OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

You know NotYet40 you would have considerably more credibility as a poster if you weren't so angry and defensive all the time. Your very first post set the tone. You will also only answer questions you're comfortable with (note: you have persistently evaded the ones about why you felt entitled to intrude on another woman's unhappiness and only spoke about your own) so your latterly expressed views about wanting an intelligent debate with lots of perspectives seems somewhat disingenuous.

Normally, when someone is this angry and defensive it means she is not at peace with the choices she has made, or with those that were taken out of her hands, as in the case of your married lover's decision to end your relationship. Your stance (and Sugar's) contrasts so dramatically with the other women on this thread who regret the pain they have caused others through their choices, especially towards women who've done them no harm like the wives of the men they were/are sleeping with.

Long time lurker etc etc....clearly MN is far from representative considering the percentage of women and men allegedly having affairs. I have known several people who have had affairs and every one of them (women and men) have been in shit miserable marriages. IME it is rare that affairs exist in happy marriages and who the fuck is Shirley Glass anyway? (self help books give me the shits)
I'm sure many of you will be frothing at the mouth over this but life is too short and if you are trapped (for any number of different valid reasons) in a loveless lonely relationship and you are able to get comfort and some happiness elsewhere then go for it, I won't judge. The happiest couples I know are on their second marriages. Apologies but I don't know any serial adulterers and I also believe it is perfectly possible for someone to be unfaithful only once;I have also seen affairs turn into successful happy long term relationships.
It is easier on the ego to blame others and undoubtedly there are many people who have had the misfortune to marry or partner with those of narcissistic or psychotic personalities but to drag out the old cliche, life is not black or white.
On a slight tangent, I have spoken to many elderly women who sacrificed their happiness for their husband or children. Was it worth it? No.

Oh I think MN is hugely representative of British society and what happens in it.

And to think that affairs only happen in shit, miserable, loveless, lonely relationships is extraordinary and demonstrates an astonishingly narrow view, but perhaps you've never encountered couples who have stayed together after an affair, or an individual who lost his/her relationship because of an ill-advised affair and regretted it bitterly thereafter. Admittedly I meet a lot of people through my work, but have met people in those categories simply through life itself, as I've also met couples who are happy having got together through an affair. I just find it extraordinary and have scepticism that there are people out there who've only encountered one side of the story.

Sternface-please read my post...I said 'in my experience' not 'in my opinion'. I assume that as my experience does not fall in with your opinion, I have a narrow view?

'MN is hugely representative of British society and what happens in it'?

Nope. It is hugely representative of any forum on the net which has regular posters, cliques and many many more people who read or 'lurk' and never post for the fear of being 'flamed' or are simply not that bothered.

how anyone could still think my posting style is aggressive and bullying after reading the posts from 40 and latterly from tadpoles is beyond me

some true colours emerging here

please, nobody report that last post, let it stand

that's 3 separate posters within a few minutes coming on to slag off a poster in very personal terms, that as far as they knew, was no longer on the thread

what's your definition of bullying ? Because mine looks just like that ^^

'oh, and how fucking dare you attempt to give advice to women who are being cheated on ?'

THAT's my definition of bullying, at least in the context of MN, AnyFucker.

And it was irrelevant to me whether or not you were on the thread. I was illustrating the nastiness on here to prove a point, and using you as an example.

well, I've talked about my thoughts about why OWs are treated the way they are .... and now I wish I'd never participated in a thread which has sunk to these depths. We're using retarded as an acceptable insult now? Did I just faint and wake up in the eighties? Sheesh.

[hides thread]

I wasn't the only one to question why an OW would be in any position to give advice to a wife who has been cheated on. I found it to be condescending and inappropriate.

You have used me as an "example" all through this thread, 40. And dragged old grievances into it, going off the broad hints you have dropped. Most of that time, I wasn't on the thread.

I stopped attempting to communicate with you when you made that impossible. So to bring my name up several more times fits the definition of "goading" and would be viewed as several personal attacks. Taking issue with the OP'spremise is not a personal attck in the same way that you have been unpleasant, aggressive and resorted to using offensive terms in an attempt to get your point across.

bullies tend to gather in groups

yeah, I said that a few posts ago

'well, I've talked about my thoughts about why OWs are treated the way they are .... and now I wish I'd never participated in a thread which has sunk to these depths. We're using retarded as an acceptable insult now? Did I just faint and wake up in the eighties? Sheesh.'

No, no one has said on this thread that it's acceptable. But it's far from the worst and most vile insults that HAVE been used.

Quite often it seems OW have a mysogyinistic viewpoint and there's a lot of hatred for women from some of the OW on here, toward MN users, their affair partners unwitting spouse and the world at large it seems to me.

No idea why AF in particular has been picked on with such vitriol.

Actually, AF, I think it was I who stopped communicating with you. God knows why I'm doing this now. Believe me, it is not bullying on my part, I am not in league with any other posters, and I hardly ever log on. On the rare occasions when I do, if a thread catches my eye and I see what I believe to be unreasonable, vindictive behaviour, and I have a view or insight or advice I think I can offer, I will do so.

• made

Anyfucker- my post was in response to Houseofplain. IMO her/his post to 40 was offensive and she/he accused 40 of posting on here with the sole purpose of attacking you. As a 'lurker' I didn't see that, I saw someone posting an alternate view which has been attacked by several posters on this thread. I have been fortunate to be blessed with an open mind, non judgmental and a dislike of bullies. Although you give welcome support to those who have been cheated on, your posting style is often aggressive and it is bizarre that you should be crying 'bully' when people do not agree or kowtow to you.