OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

(name change) I never said anything about sacrifice or selflessness...of course we are both selfish. I am not deluding myself about any kind of 'secret medicine' either. All I really said was that I have made him happier and more able to cope with his life at home. I know that for a fact sternface... I don't have to read it in a book. I confront this situation every single day because I live with it.

Sugar Why don't you ask his wife if he seems happier at home? Bet she disagrees and finds him cold, distant abduction critical instead ...

Abduction should have been and!!

don't think so kirsty...

do you live in their house with them, sugar ?

or just rely on what he tells you ?

sure, he seems happy when he's with you...that's the nature of deceitful, extra-marital sex for some people, they enjoy it and they smile a lot

This thread is so sad.

Sugar - you are deluded.

You have no idea if he is lying to you or not.

You have no idea of what his wife is thinking and feeling.

I think the op's post was honest and truthful and the situation was quite sad. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but had she waited until he actually left his wife before starting an affair perhaps it would have worked out.

I know it's easier to paint OW as cruella-esque monsters but I think many probably do feel remorse for hurting wives. It's just a shame they don't think of the consequences when caught up in the heat or romance of the moment.

I actually think some of the heartbreaking threads on here (eg chocoraisen)could be the basis of some good lessons in citizenship at school. Being good citizens surely relies on being good people and not hurting others and infidelity must be one of the most damaging things to families statistically.

My Old Mum has a saying "you can't build lasting happiness on the misery of others..." and I honestly believe that's true....

I don't get these threads. They're popping up with frequency at the moment.

' Here is another perspective you naive closed minded people won't have thought of'

Why don't people just admit they want to tell their stories and get justification and/or sympathy or attention?

Sugar:

"Why are you painting such a negative picture of wives?"

Yes I was exaggerating of course (hence the !s !) but I have to get across this very, very important point: that marriage is REALITY and an affair is a FANTASY.

And every OW on here is not acknowledging this important fact: that 'her' relationship is not real. (except the brave lady who absolutely knows she is simply getting her needs met. But even she, if she left her H would feel a terrible pull towards him. And if she denies it, I challenge her to do it. Tell him, and leave for a week and see what pain and discomfort you will be in). Every OW here is showing the same split thinking - which of course is the same split thinking that the cheater uses.

It is simply not fair to compare the unrealistic bubble of an exciting forbidden affair where everyone is beautifully dressed and putting their best foot forward, with the everyday life that is a marriage. Children's demands don't go away. The mortgage and the roof bill doesn't go away. There is nothing like this in an affair. A wife cannot possibly compete and so to assume that an affair is anything but an attempt to avoid reality, is just self-delusion. Affairs are a selfish way of getting your needs met, without dealing with the original problem. They are about 'the ego state of the individual' - Frank Pittman

The only person I exempt from this comment, is the lady who is committed to her disabled H who CANNOT fulfill certain needs.

I'd like to come back on the comments about marriage = reality and affair = fantasy. Those of us who are married presumably got married because we were in love, and we saw a brighter happier future with our spouses than if we did not marry. More money, better house, the joy of children, the comforts of home and companionship, joyous sex with someone you love. That is what we all sign up for and when it goes wrong, when a partner puts children first over spouse, lets stuff like bills and roofs be a big issue, doesn't dress nicely, spend time together etc then yes, the marriage isn't working.

This hum drum life does not form part and parcel of only marriage. If you are single you still have bills to pay, roof to fix, relations to worry about and no one who has promised to be there to support you - but you can bet your bottom dollar if you are in "the market" for a partner you won't be making it the be all and end all of your life.

I would more or less agree that the sort of affair where a married person thinks there is an escape to a better life with someone who is just "different" is living in fantasy world, but maybe that other person is better at coping, better organised, more of an optimist and those sort of qualities are important.

The other sort of affair, which does less damage, is where two people know they are contracting out for good (or any) sex, a civilised conversation, and just the opportunity to talk with someone who won't judge and criticise them. Far more of this goes on in the world than most people realise, and I suspect it is better - and cheaper- than any sort of miserable soul searching therapy which can't solve the problem.

I have been in great relationships, v. happy relationships, mediocre relationships, love of my life relationships and I was unfaithful in all of them. (blush) (Not now tho'). The thing is, being unfaithful doesn't say anything about the quality of the relationship at all. It more often says something about the person doing it. I was self-absorbed, self-entitled and arrogant like a lot of the men you read about on here.
Sugar, you know nothing about the relationship this man is in. You only know what kind of man he is. Of course he is happier now he has you on the side.

That is what we all sign up for and when it goes wrong, when a partner puts children first over spouse, lets stuff like bills and roofs be a big issue, doesn't dress nicely, spend time together etc then yes, the marriage isn't working

EH? Children ALWAYS come first. They are children. They are reliant on you, dependant, their needs always come before the ADULT. That is just good normal parenting, anything else, is bad parenting and highly selfish. But then we are talking about cheaters, who are in their nature selfish. Who so far bar one have not put across one point which does not make them the same as everyone else. Or disprove any of the theories around adultery, such as selfishness.

Dressing nice? With 3 puking chidren, what is this the 50's, stepford wives?

I'm young, good looking, get my hair/nails done. Does that mean when I have an off day like today as we are all sick, my husband is going to fuck someone else? Does it mean when he comes in and starts helping the kids, that I dont come first? As he is rightly going to make sure the sick kids are all ok, before coming to tuck in his poorly wife. What a twat, I must fuck someone else.

Exactly HOP!

My H and I agreed from her birth that our daughter came first until (without telling me) he decided he wasn't getting enough attention and went and fucked someone else.

I'm good enough looking and get hair and nails done and considered to be a nice and fun person ..

OP I think all the blame should be on him, weak nasty little man

For me DH comes first, children fit in. My oldest is 21 and just finishing university ( Oxford) the youngest is hoping to get in next year and is doing very well at school - knowing their place in the family pecking order has done them a lot of good. They are delightful young men, pleasant company and always help out at home. When they were little and puked we would cope with it with good humour - together. I sometimes think when I read the threads on here that a lot of women marry and then use children as some sort of excuse for changing the rules. Surely it is pretty obvious that if you tell someone you love them, care about them and want to make them happy and then you produce a couple of children and put your partner last all the time you will have problems.

and we would make sure we both looked nice if we could - it is not just the woman in the relationship who should have some pride in her appearance, I would be very disapointed if my DH let himself go, slobbed about etc.

HOP of course it doesn't mean that if you have a bad day your spouse is justified in having an affair, but if you ( either or both) live in this world where marriage becomes an excuse for not trying as hard with everything in life as you would have to if you were single then the party who looks elsewhere is not "living in fantasy world" but trying to restore normaility.

Sugarsprinkes, I'm sure you are right - you know this man better than anyone on here and you will be able to sense his mood. If the relationship is one where he has decided - bravely - to stay in a relationship that has some areas of unhappiness I'd agree the situation with you is likely to make you both a lot more cheerful, and make him better company at home. I presume you are a pragmatist and not a "siren" hoping to lure him onto the rocks of a matrimonial split (!)

Giving advice to women about their marriage from a woman quite happy to wreck it is priceless. Well done OP. What a star.

Well most decent parents do put their children first, especially when very young. Young children are very demanding. Anything else is utterly selfish and bad parenting. Grown ups, really mature, unselfish people, get this. the also know it's temporary and some of the best memories shall be formed.

I never understood as a mother or father how one could love their spouse more than their own children and put their spouse first.

Our marriage is good, we are close,lots of real love. we have lots of play time....but our children come first, always, thankfully that is something we both agree on, infact he is probably the most utterly unselfish out of both of us. That is the problem, you can have all these things....then one selfish partner who cannot stand their dcs taking over, selfish.

You could not make some of this shit up. Cheaters are selfish, you are just proving it higgle, the typical sterotype who dosent really priotise their own kids, gotta laugh.

HOP - How dare you!!!! I am not a cheater, I have been faithful to my husband for 38 years, and have a very happy marriage. I have two lovely sons who have had great academic sucess and are ( and I am their mother, soi I can be proud) socialy rounded and great fun, helpful and supportive. We have a wide circle of friends, and I have worked in a sector ( legal) where men are good at conversation and happy to share their views on life. I think that one of the reasons my marrage has been a good one is that we have made each other feel valued and important and that sometimes that has meant putting the interests of the children second e.g. we have an expensive holiday for just the two of us and they don't have cars bought for them at 17 or an endless supply of computer games etc. because there are things DH and I want more. Over the years many people we know have had dalliances and sometimes this has lead to greater happiness all round, sometimes it just seems to put a spring in someones step, and occasionally it has brought an unhappy marriage to a premature end. I just don't recognise these egomaniac self entitled husbands and selfish women amongst my circle that are mentioned here.

Funny many others recognise them...

putting the interests of the children second e.g. we have an expensive holiday for just the two of us and they don't have cars bought for them at 17 or an endless supply of computer games etc. because there are things DH and I want more

higgle

I hear you. You sound like you have a lovely life!

'It is simply not fair to compare the unrealistic bubble of an exciting forbidden affair where everyone is beautifully dressed and putting their best foot forward, with the everyday life that is a marriage. Children's demands don't go away. The mortgage and the roof bill doesn't go away. There is nothing like this in an affair. A wife cannot possibly compete and so to assume that an affair is anything but an attempt to avoid reality, is just self-delusion. Affairs are a selfish way of getting your needs met, without dealing with the original problem. They are about 'the ego state of the individual' - Frank Pittman'

Ok. This has been going on for nearly six years... it is not unrealistic, sometimes but not always exciting, we are never beautifully dressed and don't put our best foot forward. We have had legions of problems, arguments, fallings out but we still continue. We have talked endlessly about our situation and, AF and Mad, he is not lying to me I know I have made him happier in his life and he has done the same for me. You know it's nothing to do with younger models and looks, dressing up, having nails done etc I am nearly ten years older than his wife and well... do not have a perfect body or anything like that. I don't really care what Frank says or what you have read in a book, I am living this and I know what I feel about it. Not saying it's right... it isn't but I am not deluded and it is not a fantasy.

Higgle just seen your post... thanks for that

*wistful face

Don't even know why I'm wading in here again... KirstyWirsty seems to be suggesting that parents don't have a right to decide what's good for their own children. Personally, I would far rather my three children grow up with a good idea of self-worth, self-confidence and individuality and, most importantly, with the realisation that maintaining a healthy relatiionship takes work between the two adults that are at the heart of the family, ESPECIALLY once the children came along. Others may choose to believe that throwing their children everything they ask for, an IPOD here, computer games there, culminating in a car at 17, is in their best interests. I think Higgle perhaps meant she sees more 'value' in taking a holiday with a partner (the example she gave) and working to maintain an adult relationship than in spoiling kids.