Am I a toxic parent

[RatherBeIncognito]

if I am fair enough, you must say - but don't be too polemical about it that will make me switch off. Just tell me in a dispassionate way.

Here are my sins:
Swearing at my children - saying ffs what is wrong with you? when they push my buttons (occasional - not every day)
Calling my dd names (am not proud) when she winds me up - she is particularly good at that. I have used 'witch' and 'bitch'. I am somewhat ashamed
Telling my dh within their earshot 'no you put them to bed, I've been stuck with them all week'

My good points:
Lots of hugs and kisses
Telling them they are wonderful, clever etc
Providing them with home cooked meals, an organised,tidy family home, routine and stability
Making them laugh
Looking at for them, listening, advising, allowing them to criticise me and accepting that
Ensuring that they are stimulated and happy, putting them before me and my needs most of the time

That should be 'looking out for them'

How old is your dd?

I think you seriously need to work on the language/name calling. But perhaps toxic is a bit harsh.

Yes I think I do banyan...
Dd is 10

Wouldn't go so far as toxic, but tbh its boarder line. Some of the things you are saying is very hurtful and they will grownup remembering how bad that made them feel. You need to stop now before it gets actually in to toxic.
Is this a reverse thread?

Don't know enough about toxic to give an opinion but I've never used those words to my children.It sounds just so unpleasant.Sorry but you did ask.

I think you are saying very hurtful things. Don't you realise that's what they remember?

No - not a reverse thread. I know you are right, I need to change this

Calling names is verbal abuse. Would you do it to a random member of the public who "pushed your buttons"?

Oh and your "good points", not good points, you are SUPPOSED to do that.

I think you are probably confusing the shit out of your dc with this abusive/supportive see saw. I have a challenging, young dd and feel I don't always do right by her. I have, however, never labelled her a bitch or a witch or any other negative labels or sworn at her. I think there are clear lines a parent doesn't cross.

Why do I get the feeling you are going to turn on people who criticise you?

Aka - yes probably!
Really Seventh? - am interested. Why is that not good? ( I have a genuine desire to do the right thing so am interested)

Well, TBH. I have just finished watching "We need to talk about Kevin" and, as far as I could tell the mother did nothing wrong, and look how he turned out!!!!!
Don't beat yourself up. Being a parent is hard.

You'd be wrong there ProudandScary - have had some frank feedback already and haven't bitten

I don't think allowing them to critize(sp?) you is a good thing personally.

And I've never called dd a bitch

Said FFS many times.

I wouldn't exactly say toxic

I don't know what toxic is.

You need to ban yourself from swearing at your dc and calling them names.

Your good points are good but they will remember the bad.

Um, sorry to say I think you are abusive at times. Not sure about 'toxic'.

However, you care, and you want to do something about it. The biggie is swearing at and calling DC names. You need strategies to stop.

Name calling is horrid. Not sure I'd call you 'toxic' though given your other points. Has anyone said that you are?

I don't swear and I believe that it is wrong, but my DD and I are a single parent religious family and it simply wouldn't occur to me to use those words. I am not sure how acceptable it is, generally, to swear around your kids, but I do believe it is wrong to swear at them and you should try very hard not to.

You sound pretty normal to be honest. We all try to do better, don't we? But don't let them hear 'I've been stuck with them all week'. Lots of mothers feel that way, I know I did when I was with DD's dad, but children pick up on these things and I am not sure hugs just sort it all out...

Lowestpriority - a lot would disagree that the mother is not responsible in that book/film.

Yes they will remember the bad ( dawning realisation) because that is what I remember about my parents! Will sort this!

Hmm. I think calling a 10 year old a bitch or witch is pretty bad tbh. Btw, she does not wind you up. You get wound up. You also say "when they push my buttons". You are responsible for your swearing etc, not them.

I am a swearer. I swear in front of my children quite often. I often shout ffs out into the atmosphere when I'm stressed. I would never swear at them.

I have been known to use the line "what is wrong with you?", when picking up their mess, or similar.

I think you are obviously trying hard to be a good parent.

Am very appreciative of these responses - sometimes you need people to tell you like it is

"FFS whats wrong with you?" much, much worse than swearing - you've told your children that there's something wrong with them..... that will stay in their memories.

Their own mum thinks there's somthing wrong with them. Think about how damaging that is to a child.