Am I a toxic parent

[RatherBeIncognito]

if I am fair enough, you must say - but don't be too polemical about it that will make me switch off. Just tell me in a dispassionate way.

Here are my sins:
Swearing at my children - saying ffs what is wrong with you? when they push my buttons (occasional - not every day)
Calling my dd names (am not proud) when she winds me up - she is particularly good at that. I have used 'witch' and 'bitch'. I am somewhat ashamed
Telling my dh within their earshot 'no you put them to bed, I've been stuck with them all week'

My good points:
Lots of hugs and kisses
Telling them they are wonderful, clever etc
Providing them with home cooked meals, an organised,tidy family home, routine and stability
Making them laugh
Looking at for them, listening, advising, allowing them to criticise me and accepting that
Ensuring that they are stimulated and happy, putting them before me and my needs most of the time

I worry about this too, my DM is definitely on the 'toxic' side, lots of little negative comments all the time. I worry that I am like her & that DS will fell like me when he grows up.

I found "The Secret of Happy Children" by Steve Biddulph good.

Its good you are recognising wrong patterns & making changes.

My DM was a single mum working full time bringing up 3 kids. Must have been really tough for her but I have never heard her swear my entire life! The ONLY bad thing I ever remember her saying in a moment of anger was "You're lucky I don't put you lot into care". Who knows what kind of day she had had...and I was being particularly difficult while she was trying to put me to bed. The point is, this is the only bad thing my DM ever said to me and I still remember it to this day (am 29 now) - I was no older than 6 or 7 at the time. You need to realise the effect your words will have on your DCs as they will definitely remember.

You sound quick tempered rather than toxic Yes as others have said it's good to avoid calling actual names but FFS you are a human being with limits!

I swear a lot so am sympathetic to your struggle. My mum swore like a trooper and occasionally at us. She called my brother 'a wee bastard' once and we were like followed by :o Then laughed. We still laugh about it now. So if it's very frequent I can see a negative pattern forming but if it's very occasional you probably just need to get yourself out of the situation and take ten minutes.

I agree with others that it's not always wise to put your children's needs before your own because that's what breeds resentment and the inevitable explosion that follows. Always remember reading some anti child abuse advice saying something like, "If your baby is screaming and nothing obviously wrong, better to get out of the situation for two minutes, rather than stay trying to be 'good' then just snap." We all have to know our limits.

Just read the stuff you are doing and think it sounds great, good luck!