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Original poster

Am I a toxic parent

79 replies

RatherBeIncognito · 08/06/2012 22:48

if I am fair enough, you must say - but don't be too polemical about it that will make me switch off. Just tell me in a dispassionate way.

Here are my sins:
Swearing at my children - saying ffs what is wrong with you? when they push my buttons (occasional - not every day)
Calling my dd names (am not proud) when she winds me up - she is particularly good at that. I have used 'witch' and 'bitch'. I am somewhat ashamed
Telling my dh within their earshot 'no you put them to bed, I've been stuck with them all week'

My good points:
Lots of hugs and kisses
Telling them they are wonderful, clever etc
Providing them with home cooked meals, an organised,tidy family home, routine and stability
Making them laugh
Looking at for them, listening, advising, allowing them to criticise me and accepting that
Ensuring that they are stimulated and happy, putting them before me and my needs most of the time

OP posts:
Inedit · 09/06/2012 10:05

I think the worst thing you have said is "FFS, what is wrong with you?" I think that's so damaging

the other stuff makes me very sad

i think you need some major help communicating with your children.
A very basic child behaviour book like "how to talk so kids will listen" would be a start
How many dc do you have?

puds11 · 09/06/2012 10:15

Lowestpriority if you read the book it is evident that the mother has pnd, which kevin picks up on. She acts strangely around him and has it set in her mind that he is a bad child. All of this children pick up on. She also throws him across the room and breaks his arm. Not exactly perfect eh?

Rather when you say FFS do you actually say to them ' For fucks sake what is wrong with you?' Im confused as someone referred to FFS as not swearing and i thought it was.

chrome · 09/06/2012 10:37

You are toxic wrt your DD, you do realise that all the good stuff you do for your daughter is undone by calling her a witch a bitch right? Such vicious insults, I wouldn't believe someone could be so hate-filled towards a ten year old except for the fact it happened to me. My family was stable, generally functional with a lot of affection but I really internalised those words and acted out the 'bad girl' role in my teens, got in lots of physical fights, drank until I couldn't stand and had lots of risky sex - cos that's what bad nasty bitches do. It took me a decade and several hundred miles away from my mother to realise and really believe that I am a good person.

garlicfanjo · 09/06/2012 10:59

Leaving Kevin out of it - I thought the strength of the book was that there's no definite answer to where Kevin's problems came from!

RatherBe, everyone gets irritated with children. The main thing is realising that YOU are irritated, rather than blaming her. She's a child, not a 30-year-old, and when you tell her she's a bitch you're expecting her to know everything an adult would know about what's reasonable behaviour. In essence, you're yelling at her for being a child.

It's okay to show your feelings. Not okay to blame other people for your feelings or expect a child to sort them out for you. "I'm feeling irritated/grumpy/etc, it's not your fault."

It's okay to criticise behaviour, not the person. "That was silly/mean/inconsiderate" - preferably with an explanation - is completely different from you're mean.

If you lose it, apologise straight away.

Basically, you shouldn't EVER treat your own loved ones worse than you'd treat a passer-by! It looks obvious but, once you've got into the habit of acting like your family matter less to you than a stranger, it takes a bit of conscious effort to change. You'll do it :)

garlicfanjo · 09/06/2012 11:04

PS: The answer to "What's wrong with you?" is "Nothing at all, I'm a normal ten-year-old!" Just thought it might help to remember that.

gabsid · 09/06/2012 11:06

inedit yes, that book may be a start. All kids push buttons, its their job! The difference is how you react and deal with it.

If you come down to their level with swearing and name calling you will make it worse.

If you get yourself a plan, find some acceptable and effective strategies to deal with your DD's button pushing and stay consistant,

then things should improve, but don't expect her to be perfect - she is a child!

garlicfanjo · 09/06/2012 11:12

"How to talk to kids so kids will listen" is fab imo. It's worked for stacks of people.

PatronSaintOfDucks · 09/06/2012 11:31

I think it's ok to tell the children how you feel or to tell them that what they are doing is wrong or is distressing you. But it is not ok to tell them that something is wrong with THEM. So, "ffs, what's wrong with you" can be turned into "please stop doing this thing it's dangerous/making mummy tired". Children should not be made feel that they are fundamentally bad. They have to know that they are good and empowered and can correct their own wrong actions.

knowsitall · 09/06/2012 11:55

I dont agree with trendy psychobabble like "toxic" but personally for me swearing and name calling is far far worse than giving a child a smack on the bum. It can really make a child feel worthless

gabsid · 09/06/2012 12:00

I think everyone sometimes 'looses the plot' (and I don't mean every week or month). I sometimes felt like saying 'are you an idiot or what?' to my DS (7) but I am glad I never did. I did say 'right now you behave like an idiot' once or twice. I did bang the door and walked off to cool down.

But usually I have steps I follow (e.g. ask nicely, ask more shaply, warning, counting, consequence), DS knows what's to come and usually doesn't go beyond the warning stage - works for us.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 09/06/2012 12:03

Can I ask why you call your daughter names, but not the other DC?

Yes, you are being verbally and emotionally abusive, but the fact that you are aware that this behaviour is damaging and willing to question it and change it imo removes you from the "toxic" category.

I wonder if your DD is being scapegoated, if she is the only one you call names. Can you articulate why you treat her differently?

ImperialBlether · 09/06/2012 12:31

Lowestpriority, the mother in Kevin doesn't want a child and doesn't bond with him at all. You can take it that he's vile or you can take it that all he's wanted is her attention and love. It's only at the end that he gets that. The book is a lot more complicated than the film, though.

DeckSwabber · 09/06/2012 13:42

I confess to saying 'whats wrong with you?'. Blush. Usually qualified by something more positive, eg do you need some help with tidying your room, getting music practice done? But not always.

My mother used to call me a slut. I have never forgotten it.

Regarding the praise, such as telling a child they are clever, I think you have to be careful. My mother also used to say I was clever, but I always felt it was loaded, eg when she said 'you're so clever', it felt like what she was really saying was 'you did well in that exam, but then again you are clever so it wasn't much of an achievement for you'. As a result I have always felt that nothing I did was good enough for her. She also told my brother he was 'brilliant'. Often. He does have a formidable brain, but he can't cope with not being very good at some things and won't accept that he is not always right - he is a terrible loser. As a result I try to reward effort rather than achievement - 'well done on getting that grade in the exam, that extra work you did really paid off.' However, I do tell them they are clever if they seem to need reassurance - 'this isn't your favourite subject but you have a good brain and I believe you can pass this exam if you make the effort'.

Original poster
RatherBeIncognito · 09/06/2012 18:47

I have one other dc - a son, couple of years younger. He is better at reading me and understanding when I am about to loose my temper so he will then back down so avoids my viper tongue more than poor dd.

Have had a chat with dh and we have agreed that there is too much damaging name calling in this house (we have been known to call each other, dh and I, 'idiot' and arse hole etc in a fit of pique). He and I both agree this doesn't engender good feelings and has led to us slipping and sometimes (rarely) calling the children names (not usually in the worst category - often something mild like 'plonker' - but still not good) and they calling each other names. Basically it does not foster mutual respect. I have spoken to the children and explained that name calling is wrong whoever the perpetuator and have explained that I have been wrong to do it in the past. We now - as of today - have the equivalent of a swear box - a 'disrespect box' with fines for insulting others. I am very optimistic that with effort and vigilance I (and we) can and will change. I don't want to damage my children.

Don't want to paint too much of bleak picture however - we are a happy family despite these flaws...but the dc do get visibly upset on the occasions where I have ranted, but this will now change. Determined.

OP posts:
gabsid · 09/06/2012 18:55

You are called(!) your DH even worse names. Hm, doesn't sound like a very happy and respectful relationship.

So, what will you do instead of the name calling? I feel its just a sign of the lack of respect and effective communication in your household.

Its a first step though!

garlicfanjo · 09/06/2012 19:09

Wow, Rather! That's brilliant.

I really hope you all enjoy an insult-free home, enough to make it stick :) Go you!

NicknameTaken · 09/06/2012 19:11

Well done for facing it and putting in place a strategy to deal with it.

Original poster
RatherBeIncognito · 09/06/2012 19:16

Well we have kept a clean sheet today - although I appreciate we need to keep it up consistently and it will take effort to break bad habits

OP posts:
banyan · 09/06/2012 20:37

Excellent that you have spoken to your DCs and been open about your failings at the same time as offering a solution for you all to work on. Best of luck.

Inertia · 09/06/2012 21:27

I found the "How to listen so kids will talk..." book really useful. Sometimes it's knowing what not to say, or when to not say anything. And it shows you how to lead into conversations which allow children to express their own opinion about things they are proud of, rather than seeking parental praise (so e.g they've made a scale working model of the Anderson Boat Lift- rather than the "You're so clever" parental response, the book explains how to instigate a conversation which allows the child to evaluate their own efforts).

The other thing is to take issue with the behaviour , not the person. I've often told my children that I will always love them, even when their behaviour has not been acceptable.

midwife99 · 09/06/2012 21:33

Sorry love, calling DD aged 10 a witch & bitch cos she is "good at pushing your buttons" is toxic. You are the grown up FFS & shouldn't be saying FFS to them! Or saying you are "stuck with them all week". If you were my mum I'd find you very hurtful & be scared of you. You wanted us to be straight - there it is!

midwife99 · 09/06/2012 21:37

I have just read your latest response having only read beginning of thread. Glad you are taking steps to change things & recognise the damage caused.

Perriwinkle · 09/06/2012 23:26

I have a friend in her mid 50s who has a toxic mother aged 80. She has always been toxic and is still being toxic to this day. However, she firmly believes that she is, and always has been, the best mother in the world though despite being a thoroughly nasty, evil, sadistic, twisted old hag who over the years has done and said the most truly awful things to my friend and her siblings.

My point is, truly toxic parents don't think that they are anything other than wonderful parents. They just feel sorry for themselves and wonder what on earth they've done to deserve such toxic children.

So, I don't think you're a toxic parent OP. If you were, these things would never have occured to you in a million years.

justaboutisnowakiwi · 10/06/2012 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chalkbored · 10/06/2012 09:27

Name calling and swearing at children is toxic, yes. I'd feel ashamed of myself if I did that and I am not a perfect parent by a long chalk. Some lines you just don't cross though - and name calling and swearing is one of them. I've managed 14 years as a parent and never done it.

However, you DID ask for opinions and it sounds like you want to change. Instead of 'FFS what is wrong with you? ' try ' you need to go to your bedroom as I am really cross about this ... ' far more 'parenty' and much less 'abusive '

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