Am I a toxic parent

[RatherBeIncognito]

if I am fair enough, you must say - but don't be too polemical about it that will make me switch off. Just tell me in a dispassionate way.

Here are my sins:
Swearing at my children - saying ffs what is wrong with you? when they push my buttons (occasional - not every day)
Calling my dd names (am not proud) when she winds me up - she is particularly good at that. I have used 'witch' and 'bitch'. I am somewhat ashamed
Telling my dh within their earshot 'no you put them to bed, I've been stuck with them all week'

My good points:
Lots of hugs and kisses
Telling them they are wonderful, clever etc
Providing them with home cooked meals, an organised,tidy family home, routine and stability
Making them laugh
Looking at for them, listening, advising, allowing them to criticise me and accepting that
Ensuring that they are stimulated and happy, putting them before me and my needs most of the time

OP, I think Seventh was picking up on how you said you put your kids' needs first 'most of the time'. I think most of us would say we put our kids first all of the time [that they are present/awake]. Nothing wrong with putting yourself first when your children are in bed... say you need a bath, time to relax, a movie night to yourself, whatever you need... just do it when the day is over for your children.

Does that make sense? Maybe you just didn't come across too well in your original post. 'Ive been stuck with them all week' makes you sound resentful... there's no need for them to hear that, just make sure you get a few minutes to yourself each day after their bedtime to wind down, no shame in admitting you need some time to yourself but you can't resent your children for needing you to do what you are there to do...

Ok - I will

Same here with the swearing. I swear a lot. Really, a lot. But it would never cross my mind to swear at anyone. Ever. it really is nasty. Can you try to stop that bit?

All that said, cognito, I think it is pretty bloody obvious that you are a good parent struggling, rather than a toxic one. Toxic people are nasty, narcissistic and selfish. You don't sound like this at all, but you don't sound as if you always cope very well. It's very different.

Not toxic. Certainly flawed but so are we all. Many many people have managed to successfully grow up into pretty much functional adults having survived imperfect parents, it is OK to be imperfect.

So long as they know you love them and always will no matter what happens, and there is nothing they could do, no mistake or decision they could make, that will stop you loving them - they can survive the odd bit of the negatives you mention.

Toxic is more like this: always finding fault and telling them they could have been clever/pretty/successful IF they had followed your advice but now that they haven't they can't blame you for what happens. Making them feem small, powerless and unable to make their own decisions without worrying about what you will say or think. Withdrawing expression of love and support in retribution if they don't do what you want them to.

Avoid that, you'll almost certainly be OK.

No, probably didn't come across too well in OP, but then didn't want to sugar coat it.

I think that despite me the dc are happy and secure. Work is need however

OTOH, I tell my DD she is beautiful, wonderful, clever, all these things... but I have never complained about being 'stuck' with her. I tell her to let me brush her beautiful hair, because she hates that, and I say how beautiful she looks when it's done; I tell her she's clever when she recognises her own name written down, including saying 'i-dot' for the 'i' at the end of her name because she isn't yet two and I think it is clever; I tell her she's special because I adore her... but I don't tell her these things to make up for previous 'toxic' things I've said that she might have heard. I don't think you can make up for hurtful things said in the presence of a child.

Really OP... the things you feelare normal, but keep them to yourself, or at least out of earshot of your kids, who you clearly adore.

Don't beat yourself up, but you can change things.

Heads - am pretty confident that they know my love is unconditional and without limits so thanks for that reassurance

I do appreciate that I could be doing a lot better by them though

Imperial....please enlighten me. From what I saw the mother bent over backwards to make that boys life easy. what am I missing? How could it be construed as her fault?

I have a Toxic Mother. You are not Toxic as you have admitted that there is a problem with your behaviour. Toxic parents will never admit to doing wrong.

It's great that you recognise there is a problem and will admit to it. I hope you can work it out for the future. Good Luck x

"The things you feel are normal but keep them out of earshot of your children" - its good to hear that it's normal to feel that way, the issue is simply one of self control and not verbalising those negativities. I should be able to address that. It is my personality to be blunt and direct but with effort I should be able to moderate that?

Thanks mampam, and I am sorry you were deprived of a positive relationship with your mother

I think you should be very careful about sometimes calling your daughter a "bitch" and sometimes telling her she is "wonderful". My mother did this to me as a child. It was utterly confusing and very distressing (although I hid it well at the time). I ended up not knowing whether I was the most fantastic person or absolutely worthless. It has taken me a very long term to begin to come to terms with this feeling. And for what it's worth I no longer have a relationship with my mother. :(

Jacques - noted! Yes it must confuse her and cant be healthy. I WILL stop! Sorry that happened to you

Thanks for your frank responses (and for being reasonable about it and not overly censorious). Am going to bed now but will check in tomorrow morning. Am determined to make a fresh start and be the mother they deserve

BodyUnknown Fri 08-Jun-12 23:14:21
"OP, I think Seventh was picking up on how you said you put your kids' needs first 'most of the time'. I think most of us would say we put our kids first all of the time [that they are present/awake]. Nothing wrong with putting yourself first when your children are in bed... say you need a bath, time to relax, a movie night to yourself, whatever you need... just do it when the day is over for your children."

Really? You don't think the OP should allow herself to relax and have a comforting bath until her 10yo is in bed? Are you sure that is healthy?

I don't think 10yos should be constantly looked after and put first- in my world it is perfectly acceptable to expect a child this age to look after mum occasionally, make her a cuppa when she is tired or just go off quietly to give her a break. I think waiting hand and foot on big children and making your whole life about them is actually quite scary for them; it puts enormous expectations on the relationship. My dc would have found it exhausting to have had my full attention every waking moment when they were that age.

I think you are addressing your problems in this thread, OP. Clearly you do need to do something about your language and you recognise that.

But it might also be an idea to encourage your dc to do things for you from tiem to time, just little things. Cups of tea, running down to the shop for you. Everybody needs to feel needed. Maybe the 10yo could help with putting the little ones to bed- I can't imagine she needs to be put to bed by anyone.

A toxic parent would be on here complaining about how their 'stupid' or 'disobedient' or 'unruly' etc DCs are awful and asking for advice on how to control them better or tips on discipline e.g. 'is locking my DC in the coal cellar with no supper for the evening enough punishment or should I leave them to sleep in there too??'

You're clearly NOT a toxic parent because you're here asking for advice and you know that it's not good to swear at your children or call them names. So that's a start. So just try to rein in your temper and count to ten and things should improve.

In any case, having a short fuse is just going to make things worse with your kids as they'll sense that and will want to keep on pushing your buttons mercilessly.

I don't think asking for advice means you are not a toxic parent. Perhaps someone has commented to the OP that her behaviour is not good. Perhaps she has seen the threads on MN where people are criticised for swearing at their DCs.

Good luck with your new resolution Rather, I hope it goes well.

When frustrated I wander off muttering under my breath but would make sure they don't hear.

No swearing or name calling. It's horrid.

You are kidding right, Lowest?

Did you just see the movie or read the book?

Although there is room for interpretation, I would say the mother in Kevin was judgemental, bitter, staggeringly unaware (so assured was she of her own intellect), unloving, resentful and blindly in love with an inadequate bozo of a husband who had zero connection or understanding of his son.

If your advice to someone who swears at her dd and puts her down is 'oh well whatever you do your kids will be who they are, don't worry' why are any of us bothering to be strive to be nurturing and encouraging parents?

OP it's great you are posting. We are none of us perfect and parenting is bloody hard but yes I think you have to change your ways or the 'toxic' aspects of your parenting will damage dd's self esteem.

Yes - this is emotional abuse.

How would you like if it your partner,for example, called you names, swore at you or talked to other people (in your earshot) about being "stuck with you"?

If you posted that your partner was saying things like that to you people would certainly say it was abusive.

Telling my dh within their earshot 'no you put them to bed, I've been stuck with them all week'

You do this OUT OF earshot

allowing them to criticise me and accepting that

I don't remember my young DCs criticising me. Perhaps you are criticisng them (rather than just asking them to do things) and so they are doing it back to you.

Good point Lizza - I would be very upset if my partner said that to me / about me, even if it was infrequent

The worst about your post is that you seem to intentionally say negative things about your DC in their earshot - they will feel rej
ected. The name calling is bad - you say 'not every day' , so that means very often then. That makes me wonder about how frequent those nasty times are and what your relationship is like with your DC on the whole.

I think you have to work on the nasty things either way, but if that happened once every 6 months then OK, but several times a week - no, that' bad.

If you feel you are 'stuck' with the kids all week, it might be a good idea to return to work? Maybe part-time, that way you might look forward to spending time with your kids, rather than feeling 'stuck'.

I dont agree a toxic parent would not be on here asking for help, not all toxic relationships are willfull, many poeple parent how they where parented or treat others as they have been shown. To say that gives the impression that people are incapable of changing or recognising when things have gone wrong.

OP i think there is room for improvement and some aspects of what you do /say with regards to your children possibly have some toxic aspects but none of us are perfect and many of us do/ say things in haste with regret afterwards, though i would and vever have called my dd names.

It sounds like the expectations of you as a mother are very high and that as another poster has says, I think at 10 yeras old it is time for your dd to recognise the things she can do for herself that will not only help you but help her indipendance. A black bag sweep when they dont tidy up tends to get my dds backside into action .

Also there are things your Dh should be doing in recoginising the things he should be doing to pull his weight, should he really need to be told when you need a break, should he not be recognising this?