Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Sorry artmummy I posted too soon. My X used to say he wasn't going to make an effort or indeed to leave, because I was the one that was making things difficult. When it got to the end I asked him if he would leave so that our DS could stay in his home. He said no of course. Me, I would have left in a heartbeat so my son could stay where he knew, but hey ho. I ended up taking my 2 yr old DS to refuge, and just to ram the point home that I'd left him I moved 300 miles away. He still didn't believe I wasn't coming back, even when he got the divorce papers. Idiot. The thing with these men is that they are so very, very selfish. All that really matters to them is themselves, their things, their house, their car etc. My X is completely incapable of sympathy, or more importantly empathy, which I think they all lack. I started breaking free by not making eye contact. It means you don't get to see the anger, glaring, disapproval etc on their face. It is a small thing to do, but it really helps to detach and start viewing the relationship sceptically. Sorry can't post more at the moment, I need to do the school run.

Hi, newby here but have been lurking for a while.

This sounds naive but is there any way to know for sure (like a test?) if somemone is abusive or if there only being an arse temporarly? DH sometimes fits a lot of the narc profile but in other ways seems the complete opposite, and i mostly dont fit the lists that describe someone living with a narc either. in many ways i actually think i am a stronger more complete person than when we met (used to be the perfect target!) but ive grown up around him rather than around my own self if you get me. very confused cos i dont want to jump to nasty conclusions if were just struggling because things are tough financially (which is his opinion).

i guess im asking how did you know your OH was abusive?

Thank you in advance if anyone can help me figure this out.

I bought my mum an Ipad so that I could skype her. She's dying now, only has a few weeks left to live if that. She couldn't cope with it so I brought it back to our house because we could use an extra laptop. I thought I'll see if it fits our needs and if it does I"ll keep it.

DH has been swearing at it as he can't get along with it. I think I'll give it to my sister, as she wants it. Is that petty? I'm also going to document my issues with DH on here so that when he woos me back, I can read them like a diary and refresh my memory to what actually happened :)

So am I being unreasonable?

H is getting bemused. I am trying to disengage with the argument cycle, so haven't picked up on the usual cues.

Unresponsive to:

1. rilly rilly ill H - ok with vodka and footie...
2. Rilly rilly bad day at work huffing, stomping and puffing H 3)Storms out of the house as I am honest about something he has done (comes back at random time in a random mood)
3. Are YOU OK wife? You seem rilly rilly not yourself (read - your depression must be back) you seem rilly rilly ill...
4. Wow - look at me, I am superhusband and have started noticing all the lovely things you do and am going to pat you on the head a LOT and pay you compliments.

All this after he 'jokingly' elbowed me in the back at the party and justified it by telling everyone how horrid I was to him about all sorts of things. I honestly don't think many (if any) people in RL will believe me if I tell them some of the things he does.

Sorry - must seem like I am such a mega bitch - I just want all the nonsense to stop.Whenever I engage in any of the above, I invariably do something wrong (according to H) and get into a HUGE row. I am too tired to keep on living with a hand grenade and wondering what will happen to H next to cause an outburst.

I don't even think he does it on purpose a lot of the time, it's just like a default setting.

Is there any sure fire test for EA relationships?

PS hope you all had goodenough days and peaceful ones xx

Scuse the 'flow of consciousness - should start a blg really...

Meant BLOG, not BIG

So, have to meet FW tomorrow morning because DD2 needs a new passport and both parents have to sign in together.
Been boring all you wonderful women to tears going on about trying to work out why I want to beat the fing shit out of converse with FW.
Here is another thought. Since divorce was mentioned in 2010 - by me, of course, FW is perfect , FW has been going on about how divorce is 'so normal' these days 'nothing to it' 'no need for conflict' 'everyone does it'
Well, excuse me or not as FW pleases , but NOT all men behave like FWs whether they get divorced or not.
I have already signed for a slow 'incompatibility' divorce. But, this is because I did not want FW's behaviour dragged through the courts for all to see.
As Lundy the great says, it is a small step for abusers to move from 'we have had problems in the relationship' to 'you are a problem'
I hope this makes some sense. I will not take the fing flack for FW!

Ex wanted us to part for 2 years, then divorce by mutual consent. But I said I would need financial settlement in that case anyway. So I went for divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Here in England it didn't drag through the courts for all to see, he didn't contest it, and we didn't even have to attend for the court hearings, which were just the judge reading the papers and giving the nisi and then the absolute. It may have been different if he'd contested it?

And because kids were adult and no pension fight, I could apply for absolute before financial settlement was sorted.

Am still concerend you have signed stuff away tbh fingers, although of course that's your decision. I think you may be too nice!

Hi screwtop,

I guess the only way to know is to check the stuff up there ^ at the top of the page, if he is like that most or all of the time then you have a problem. Personally, I realised he was making every^ decision, chosing when we saw people and who we saw, stopping me working, stopping me see my family and friends, telling me what I could and couldn't wear etc. This went on for years before I realised it wasn't right.

Have you got friends who are happily married? If so, have a chat with one of them and run comparisons maybe, such as 'if you did this what would your DH do?' or 'who makes decisions in your house?' etc. It will soon become apparent if you are being controlled/bullied and so on. Good luck.

By the way, those sound like good ideas fber! Both to giving the iPad away and to writing things on here. It helps to read things that you've said in the past.

Hi bb

Telling you your depression must be back? Patting you on the head? Elbowing you in the back? Telling you he's superhusband? It's always your fault? Living with a hand grenade? You invariably do something wrong? I kind of think you answered you own question there. It doesn't sound like a good place to be IMO.

This thread can help, but nobody here can tell you what to do. It needs to be your decision whether to stay and try, or to leave. A tough decision.

bb99 Think
very ill husband with F all wrong with them
'are you ok' I'm very concerned that you are mentally unstable
and most certainly all the 'jokes'
will have to make it on to our Bingo board
and NO, bb99, you are not a bitch
and YES, FWs most certainly do do all this on purpose. Notice how their public persona is 'Mr. Great Guy'

Pink I am quite happy with the settlement and am as certain as I can be that the girls will be very well provided for (maybe even better than before)
What I am not happy with is FWs attitude of 'ho hum, just another run of the mill amicable divorce'
Fool is right that I will get the blame for it all whatever I do. I hope that this is just my last tantrum at the unfairness.
Even if I did go public with FW's behaviour, it would only rebound (as my very very wise and beautiful daughters pointed out to me)
I have to keep thinking of the ending of 'Ode to Billy Joe'

How could this not be at the top of the thread.
In Memoriam and for singing at the top our voices

Hi today and arthritic

yes - I know it's not right, just keep telling myself it's a bit of a rough patch (well, 12 years and counting now LOL) but am starting to realise he doesn't think there's anything wrong with how he behaves. He genuinely believes it's all me and even his current attempts to change (lots of self help books in the house atm) I don't believe will succeed. He's been struggling with eating disorders since he was 14, and hasn't made any progress over the last 12 years since I've known him. I DO understand it's really awful to have an eating disorder and it's all but impossible to get away from food in our society, but even when the docs offered him counselling for it, he turned it down after the first 2 sessions. QED - this leads me to believe he doesn't really want to change.

So now am having to front up to the reality of the situation and try to extricate myself and 3 dcs from the situation, with minimum emotional damage to all....

Anyone else??

arthritic - hope your meeting tomorrow goes ok.

Are your children still little bb? They really do adapt well if they're young. My son was 2.3 when I left, and he has no recollection of me and his father ever living together.

Arthriticfingers "Since divorce was mentioned in 2010 - by me, of course, FW is perfect , FW has been going on about how divorce is 'so normal' these days 'nothing to it' 'no need for conflict' 'everyone does it'"

My stbxh is the same - lets all be best friends, there's no need for this to be hard for everyone, its just like we're still married but just living in separate houses! (This is actually what he said he wanted last year, I told him that is not a marriage, that is called being separated! If we were going down that route I was not waiting around to be at his beck and call while he lived the single life, I would be actively looking for someone who did want to spend time with me.)

Its like they just don't live on the same planet as us. All the hurt, the tears, the pain we feel are an alien concept - to them, we can fix the problem by just simply putting a few miles between us and then carry on as lovely friends, still pop round for dinner at each others' houses, still spend xmas and holidays as one big happy family...

I know we have to sell the DCs the story about how it will all be ok and that they will get to spend more time with daddy, but honestly - does he actually believe this is a better outcome than being a decent human being and living with his wife & kids?!

Today, ages aren't too bad or good.

1 y/o (no probs there, other than aw what a shame mum and dad couldn't live together)

5 y/o (could be problematic - esp as this child idolises their dad)

teenager (step child to H, tho H has 'been around' a lot with this one, but dc is old enough to maintain a relationship themselves??)

Teenager adapted to not having birth father around a lot (we split when dc was

I think my NSDH's mask be starting to slip. He was out tonight having beers with his friends, while I was watching the footy studying. He came home, came in to me and first off asked me if I wanted to know what he thought of the beers he had tonight. I was trying to concentrate so I said "not right now" and he walked out of the room without saying another word and went downstairs.

I'm so so tired. My head is killing me but still so much studying to do for next week's exam.

What a strange question Nini! Why would you actually care what he thought of the beers he'd had while out with friends?

Did he want to hear what you thought about the pens you'd been using while studying?!

Sorry, I should elaborate, we both love beer and used to attend festivals together all the time pre-DC.

Now he just goes and I stay home. In fact he's going to one with FIL tomorrow and staying overnight with him. It's been ages since I got to go to one.

Was reading this thread on relationships
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1505932-10-things-you-love-about-your-husband

Made me a bit sad as i thought, gosh are there men who are really like that?

Was single for ages before i met DP and never much luck with men. Also my mum was so verbally abusive, so i feel sad for myself that i am prepared to accept such scraps (if any) of affection and kindness and if i wasn't with DP, I would just resign myself to being single (although will always have my gorgeous DS) as i just think i am rubbish at relationships...

I started reading that thread too Romilly but it depressed me so much I had to stop. I couldn't even think of 5 things I love about my husband.

OK, not so strange a question then, just a strange response to your answer!

Can't even bring myself to look at the '10 things' thread until I have recovered from this relationship and am on the lookout for a better one!